Would you tell the spouse?

Former Member

Having read KymC's thread, it made me think alot, and I'd just like to say I dont mean any disrespect to her situation at all.

But if you were in the situation where you found out your other half was secretly married, would you feel obligated to tell the husband or wife?

If my friends knew I was being cheated on, I'd want them to tell me, so surely the husband/wife would feel the same and would want to know, and as someone involved I would feel guilty and like it was my responsibilty to let them know what a cheating pig their husband/wife was. Anyone agree, or do you think it wouldn't be your place to get involed?

Indrid Cold

Never been in that situation (or even remotely close to it) but I think it would be fair to tell them. No judgement on people who disagree however.
What I'm not sure is whether I'd include any personal information (like my name or a photo of us as proof -for all I know the other half is some kind of psycho who'd blame me and maybe hunt me down) or just an anonymous letter.
I guess however, if it was anonymous the cheater could easily say "Probably some wacho sending letters around trying to break people up" so it would be useless to send it. Hm...

Former Member

I've never been in that situation but I'd suggest definitely not. The bloke might be straying for any number of reasons (not saying it's justified) and telling the wife could make an already awkward situation worse, especially if there are children involved.

Former Member

There are no children involved, well not as far as I'm aware. I get what you're saying, but why should I be the bad guy and be the one to break her heart. She may be the kind of person who would blame me and not him in a ditch attempt to keep him, I don't know. I don't know her or anything about her really.

Now if it was a close friend and his/her partner was playing away then I'd say that was a different situation.

I have been in that exact situation, where my ex cheated on me, eventually he broke it off with her and this didn't sit well with her so she rang the landline and told me all about their affair. Although I knew it wasn't her fault if she didn't know about me and it was my ex to blame, I hated her for telling me. I don't know why really.

Former Member

It sounds like the lesser of 2 evils, there certainly are women who, in her position would blame you in an effort to mask her own anger at herself or her husband.

Former Member

I can understand that and I would think its definately a risk and you would seem like the bad guy and the one who got in the way but I dont think i'd be able to just sit back and let this woman (or husband) carry on blissfully unaware of the person they're married to.

Then again 'blissfully unaware' is the key phrase, if to the them the marriage is perfect then surely it would do more damage to reveal the affair. Liek you said it depends on the person and how well you know them.

Former Member

Its a tricky one and I really don't know her at all, therefore I'd prefer not to get involved any further. I have so much else on my plate to deal with at the moment I just don't have the energy. I know this may sound selfish but what is a girl to do?!

Former Member

Oh no, i wasnt criticisng you, or your choices, its just something i was wondering about and what would be the best thing to do in general

Former Member

Your ponts are valid though. From my point of view, I'd have preferred it to come from a close friend, if they knew rather than the actual mistress. But then I do believe in my case, the mistress chose to tell me in order to cause trouble for my ex because he dumped her. I guess motives plays a part, but I'm not in any way vindictive and don't seek revenge on my recent ex.

Indrid Cold

Just to clear, if I ever was in that situation and decided to tell, it would be because I'd want someone to tell me if I was in the other's shoes, not specifically to cause trouble. More like to "save" someone from being duped.

Former Member

Indrid Cold wrote: »

Just to clear, if I ever was in that situation and decided to tell, it would be because I'd want someone to tell me if I was in the other's shoes, not specifically to cause trouble. More like to "save" someone from being duped.

But that's on the assumption that the wife would want to know. There are some women who would prefer not to have known and would blame you for her finding out. A strange attitude to take but it does happen.

Former Member

Glenn Quagmire wrote: »

But that's on the assumption that the wife would want to know. There are some women who would prefer not to have known and would blame you for her finding out. A strange attitude to take but it does happen.

Exactly.

Indrid Cold

Glenn Quagmire wrote: »

But that's on the assumption that the wife would want to know. There are some women who would prefer not to have known and would blame you for her finding out. A strange attitude to take but it does happen.

In that case, theoretically I'd either need to find out if he (in my case I doubt it would be a woman) would prefer to live in a lie or I'd have to assume he'd have some self respect. I think doing the former would be taking it too far.

Former Member

It's a tricky question, but I tend towards no, but just because I don't rat anyone out. So even if it would be seen as the wrong "thing", I won't rat anyone out, if I had some kind of relation to him/her.

Former Member

If it was a close mate of mine, of course I'd let him know. Otherwise, I'd probably stay out of it....as cowardly as it sounds.

Former Member

I'd say no. Not because i'm heartless but because until you've been in that situation you can never say how you'll deal with it. Back in my naive days i would have said yes but after being put in the position of knowing far too much many times (was a barmaid) i've learnt to keep the hell out of other people's business. I've told my best mate a couple of times of when her partner has cheated and the lying bastard has got out of it everytime and then blamed me for being a shrew/liar/jealous etc. etc. I gave up in the end, kept my gob shut and let her make her own way in life. Luckily he's now been given the boot :yes: :yippe:
Also i had a friends fiancee (my boss) giving me the come on, texting me all the time etc. I put a stop to it, told him if he ever did it again i'd beat the living f**k out of him and tell everyone. I didn't tell my friend as i felt uncomfortable, embarrassed, didn't think she'd believe me etc. Unfortunately my "friend" then found the phone records, asked me about it and i got the cold shoulder about not telling her but she stayed with him anyway. As she has done through the next couple of women/young girls he did the same thing too. Even though some of these girls told her what he was doing, people told her he was cheating etc. but the girls always got the blame. So no, honesty doesn't always pay because a lot of the time people don't want to hear it and also then need a scapegoat.
Well i got sick of being people's scapegoat and also getting grief and hassle for being honest. So nowadays i just don't care. Unless it was my very best mate i wouldn't tell anyone.