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Confused and need of advice please!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I am 31 and have 2 daughters. Just over a year ago I came out of an abusive 12 year relationship with the father of my children.
I have been seeing someone else for the last 5 months. I wasn't looking for anything, it just happened. He is very different from my ex (or so it seems), very supportive of my life plans etc, which include studying Law from September.
At the start of our relationship, he used to phone text all the time but slowly this stopped. When he calls me, he always miss calls me now as he knows I have a certain amount of minutes. So I always call him back. However when my minutes run out, he stops calling until he knows I have my new allocation. He doesn't have to pay for his calls as it all goes on the company and whilst I understand that he shouldn't abuse this, surely no one is going to put him the stocks for a 5 minute call to me!
I'm a single mum with two kids and I left my ex with nothing. I am struggling to make ends meet and my boyfriend knows this, however he comes round a few times a week after he has finished work, he eats and drinks here, we have sex then he goes home.
Sometimes I struggle as I feel the need to cook well for him and he likes his meat which isn't cheap and nor is the Guinness Draught he likes to drink.
Recently, both family and friends have suggested he has it too cushy, he doesn't contribute anything, he doesn't buy me gifts or treats for the kids (he does get on with them though) and considering he is pretty well off himself it has been suggested he should do more. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect him to pay my bills or anything, I just think he could do a little more to make me feel special, rather than the empty feeling I get when he leaves.
On Thursday just gone, he was here having dinner and he asked why I had no pickles. I replied that neither my daughters nor myself liked them. But he made me feel like I should have had them because he likes them.
On Friday just gone, I sent him a text telling him that the local supermarket had an offer on selected beers and explained that being brassic I would be better off taking up one the offers while it was on. I asked which his preference on the selected beers would be. Now normally when I text him, he never responds, but to this text he responded pretty much straight away with his choice!
I just think he could have offered to buy the beers or to bring a dessert or something for a change. I mean in the last 5 months he has bought me flowers twice, but to be honest, I buy nicer ones for myself than the ones he got me. I'm not being ungrateful but he's not making much effort to woo me! My ex was a total waste of space, but even he treated me better in the early days of our relationship. We don't go out anywhere, he always uses my children as an excuse. I have explained that I can arrange for family or friends to look after them but still nothing.
I have tried to talk to him indrectly, by telling him that he doesn't make me feel special but he always changes the subject or goes off at a tangent or makes me feel silly and that I'm over-reacting. Or brings up the fact that he spontaniously bought me flowers on a couple of occasions and makes me feel like that is something I should be very grateful for. Oh and one time he bought me a packet of mints because I like them! He said it showed he was thinking of me! But the packet was open as he'd had a couple from it before he gave it to me!
A couple of weeks ago, he told me he had bought me something "because I spur him to act spontaniously!" He has metioned it a couple of times but he hasn't actually given me whatever it is he has bought! What's that all about? If he's not going to give it to me, then why tell me about it?! Unless it's not true and he's just saying it? I don't know.
Am I over-reacting? I find myself unable to be direct with him on any of this and definitely do not feel I could directly ask him to contribute. Am I wasting my time with this guy? I mean if this is how it is only 5 months in, what would it be like in years time?! Is it time to get rid now?
Thank you for taking the time to read this 'essay!' Sorry if I have bored you! Any advice and opinions would be greatly appreciated. xx
Kym
I have been seeing someone else for the last 5 months. I wasn't looking for anything, it just happened. He is very different from my ex (or so it seems), very supportive of my life plans etc, which include studying Law from September.
At the start of our relationship, he used to phone text all the time but slowly this stopped. When he calls me, he always miss calls me now as he knows I have a certain amount of minutes. So I always call him back. However when my minutes run out, he stops calling until he knows I have my new allocation. He doesn't have to pay for his calls as it all goes on the company and whilst I understand that he shouldn't abuse this, surely no one is going to put him the stocks for a 5 minute call to me!
I'm a single mum with two kids and I left my ex with nothing. I am struggling to make ends meet and my boyfriend knows this, however he comes round a few times a week after he has finished work, he eats and drinks here, we have sex then he goes home.
Sometimes I struggle as I feel the need to cook well for him and he likes his meat which isn't cheap and nor is the Guinness Draught he likes to drink.
Recently, both family and friends have suggested he has it too cushy, he doesn't contribute anything, he doesn't buy me gifts or treats for the kids (he does get on with them though) and considering he is pretty well off himself it has been suggested he should do more. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect him to pay my bills or anything, I just think he could do a little more to make me feel special, rather than the empty feeling I get when he leaves.
On Thursday just gone, he was here having dinner and he asked why I had no pickles. I replied that neither my daughters nor myself liked them. But he made me feel like I should have had them because he likes them.
On Friday just gone, I sent him a text telling him that the local supermarket had an offer on selected beers and explained that being brassic I would be better off taking up one the offers while it was on. I asked which his preference on the selected beers would be. Now normally when I text him, he never responds, but to this text he responded pretty much straight away with his choice!
I just think he could have offered to buy the beers or to bring a dessert or something for a change. I mean in the last 5 months he has bought me flowers twice, but to be honest, I buy nicer ones for myself than the ones he got me. I'm not being ungrateful but he's not making much effort to woo me! My ex was a total waste of space, but even he treated me better in the early days of our relationship. We don't go out anywhere, he always uses my children as an excuse. I have explained that I can arrange for family or friends to look after them but still nothing.
I have tried to talk to him indrectly, by telling him that he doesn't make me feel special but he always changes the subject or goes off at a tangent or makes me feel silly and that I'm over-reacting. Or brings up the fact that he spontaniously bought me flowers on a couple of occasions and makes me feel like that is something I should be very grateful for. Oh and one time he bought me a packet of mints because I like them! He said it showed he was thinking of me! But the packet was open as he'd had a couple from it before he gave it to me!
A couple of weeks ago, he told me he had bought me something "because I spur him to act spontaniously!" He has metioned it a couple of times but he hasn't actually given me whatever it is he has bought! What's that all about? If he's not going to give it to me, then why tell me about it?! Unless it's not true and he's just saying it? I don't know.
Am I over-reacting? I find myself unable to be direct with him on any of this and definitely do not feel I could directly ask him to contribute. Am I wasting my time with this guy? I mean if this is how it is only 5 months in, what would it be like in years time?! Is it time to get rid now?
Thank you for taking the time to read this 'essay!' Sorry if I have bored you! Any advice and opinions would be greatly appreciated. xx
Kym
0
Comments
It makes a relationship pretty unpersonal and distant, but I would suggest putting up a financial plan so that he pays a good part of the groceries if you cook for him. And bring the point across that he should call you if he wants something from you. This miss call someone was something I did when I was 15. I do not even do it with my father and he has a company phone and doesn't have to pay the bill. That's just pretty sad.
He was not poor as a teenager and I agree about women who live off their men. That is not something I want to do which is why I am studying to better myself. My ex held me back alot, he wouldn't let me study and after I had childen I wasn't allowed to work. I want to be independent and I am, like I said I don't want him to pay my bills or anything and I don't want diamonds, I just want him to be a little more sensitive to my current financial situation.
Thanks for your comments
Kym xx
Basically I was in a relationship with a woman and she absolutely worshiped the ground I walked on. I didn't deserve her love and affection but it was nice and I enjoyed it. She did everything for me - cooked (and not just beans on toast - she used to spend ages in the kitchen), cleaned, offered to do my washing when I stayed over, even buying me gifts when she went shopping.
Problem was I got used to it, and being the immature arsehole I was, I began expecting it. She'd do anything I wanted her to in the bedroom so it got to the point where I felt I didn't need to contribute to the relationship much.
Eventually (after numerous "this feels one-sided" chats) she told me things needed to change. She said she didn't mind doing all these things for me but she needed something in return. She too said I never made her feel special or individual and despite the chats I just didn't learn. So after numerous warnings she dumped me.
Boy was I sorry then. Far too late of course and I had no excuse. The pain I felt proved to me I did have feelings for her but I did nothing to back them up with. We eventually got back together and I brought more to the relationship but various things got in the way and it didn't last.
Don't know if any of that will help but it certainly was a case of me not knowing what I'd lost til it was gone.
Though have words, and do dumping if things dont change.
The thing with your bloke is he sounds like either he hasn't reached this point yet where you begin to understand about compromise and give and take properly, or he has reached his point and is just a bit selfish - some people are. If it's the first, it's going to take some serious sit down talks to try to knock some understanding into him, if it's the second it's your choice whether you feel you can put up with that or whether you deserve better.
Good luck
The guy is 40 years old, very intelligent, soon to be M.D. of the company he practically runs now anyway. He has experienced several relationships and a marriage and he says he's never met anyone like me. Apparently none of his exes have ever been as good to him, so you'd think he'd be a bit more appreciative, wouldn't you? I don't know, am I total mug?
How do I bring up the subject of money, it's such an uncomfortable subject and I don't feel I have the right to his money in some ways. I just don't know how to talk to him about it. But being the intelligent guy he is, why doesn't he bring it up, he knows and comments on how I struggle.
So why would anyone give him gried about the phone calls if
You also mention that he comes over, has his tea, you have sex, and he leaves. You never go out together...this is not a good relationship :no: .
If he still sticks around when the free beers and food starts to dwindle, then maybe he'll have taken the hint and start paying more attention to you. If not, you'll have to tell him outright.
Well guys, I thank you all for your comments and advice, however in the end it was all taken out of my hands. He came to see me today and guess what, he forgot to take his WEDDING RING OFF!!!
I noticed it pretty much straight away, well you would wouldn't you! I questioned him and basically the wife I believed he was seperated from is the wife he has in fact been cheating on, with me! Turns out that they are very much still together.
He gave me all the crap about their marriage being over and that it was just a technicality, that he loves me blah blah blah!
Things kind of make sense now, why he could never spend nights with me or see me on weekends, I was led to believe it was because of work and family commitments.
Oh dear, how much of a mug do I feel!! Well I guess fate works in mysterious ways and the dilemma of staying with him or not was taken out of my hands.
I do feel awful about his wife though, I was cheated on by my ex and therefore know how demeaning it feels. I doubt she is aware of his infidelity, poor woman. I would never willingly want to do that to someone. Damn, feel real bad about it, why didn't I see this, I mean if you look at the all the issues i've raised, all the signs were there weren't they? Feel like such a twat!
Well I sent him packing, whilst remaining composed, so that's that then.
Thanks again to you all for taking the time to read and post.
Good for you
Well it's one less thing for me to stress about now, feel a complete fool though, but no doubt i'll get over that!
Thanks
Morning, guys, it's a new day and you know what, I'm just fine. I have two beautiful daughters to concentrate my energies on. I have great family and friends although I have not told any of them yet.
Also I start college in September so that will keep me very busy I'm sure, I can't wait!
I thank you for your kind words and for taking the time to read my posts.
Plenty more fish in the sea, when I'm ready. (Not yet though)