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Falling Apart...Bit by Bit
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I feel like my life is completely falling apart. I feel like there's very little in my life that is actually working for me.
1. Shit flatmate. I'm learning to deal with her now but she has the amazing ability to make me feel like shit. If she's been having a laugh with the other flatmates and I walk in the atmosphere changes - she makes it well known that she really doesn't want me there.
2. My boyfriend. He doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me outside of sitting around in my flat. I know it's not true but I feel like he just stays here because he's got more to do here - tv, games consoles, his laptop is here etc. I spoke to him a couple of weeks ago about this and he agreed. But no matter how many times I drop hints about just wanting to go for a walk, or no matter how many times I tell him I'm taking him out for lunch...it just doesn't happen. In two weeks we haven't gone anywhere or done anything together. I really, really need him to be there for me right now but I just feel like he isn't.
3. Dad leaves for war in a couple of weeks time. I've never been more scared in my life. I feel ill with worry for him, and for my family. Keep him in your thoughts.
4. My finals coming up. I try so so so fucking hard. I honestly do. But the harder I try the worse my results. I ask for advice and for help but nothing happens. It just doesn't work. I'm so scared that I'm going to do badly in my exams and after four years of real sweat, blood and a fuck load of tears I don't want to find out that it was all in vain.
5. My BDD/severely low self-esteem. I just feel so hideous and completely worthless. Fat and revolting.
6. I seem to spend most of my time wanting to sleep or cry. I feel like both of these things just make me feel worse.
I'm stressed, I'm depressed, and I just want to crumble away into nothingness. I feel like everything is out of my hands and I really don't know what to do with myself. I'm starting back some habits from when I had my eating disorder. I'm finding myself struggling so hard not to go back to self-harming.
I just want to disappear because I can't make all these horribles situations and feelings disappear.
I don't even know why I'm posting this. I need a miracle.
1. Shit flatmate. I'm learning to deal with her now but she has the amazing ability to make me feel like shit. If she's been having a laugh with the other flatmates and I walk in the atmosphere changes - she makes it well known that she really doesn't want me there.
2. My boyfriend. He doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me outside of sitting around in my flat. I know it's not true but I feel like he just stays here because he's got more to do here - tv, games consoles, his laptop is here etc. I spoke to him a couple of weeks ago about this and he agreed. But no matter how many times I drop hints about just wanting to go for a walk, or no matter how many times I tell him I'm taking him out for lunch...it just doesn't happen. In two weeks we haven't gone anywhere or done anything together. I really, really need him to be there for me right now but I just feel like he isn't.
3. Dad leaves for war in a couple of weeks time. I've never been more scared in my life. I feel ill with worry for him, and for my family. Keep him in your thoughts.
4. My finals coming up. I try so so so fucking hard. I honestly do. But the harder I try the worse my results. I ask for advice and for help but nothing happens. It just doesn't work. I'm so scared that I'm going to do badly in my exams and after four years of real sweat, blood and a fuck load of tears I don't want to find out that it was all in vain.
5. My BDD/severely low self-esteem. I just feel so hideous and completely worthless. Fat and revolting.
6. I seem to spend most of my time wanting to sleep or cry. I feel like both of these things just make me feel worse.
I'm stressed, I'm depressed, and I just want to crumble away into nothingness. I feel like everything is out of my hands and I really don't know what to do with myself. I'm starting back some habits from when I had my eating disorder. I'm finding myself struggling so hard not to go back to self-harming.
I just want to disappear because I can't make all these horribles situations and feelings disappear.
I don't even know why I'm posting this. I need a miracle.
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Comments
It would be nice if I could. But it's not going to work like that. Each 'issue' only serves to make another 'issue' worse. I can't separate them.
So getting over your BDD makes what worse exactly?
It's not as simple as that. Getting over BDD will not make everything go away. And my BDD can't just disappear when I'm feeling shitty about my relationship too. And my relationship can't just disappear. It's too complicated. I can't just simplify things like that.
I never said that it would make everything go away, if they're the problems your dealing with atm then dont just think to yourself its too much to cope, sort them out..(anything is possible)
The issues in your control here are your boyfriend and your flatmate.
Start checking out other places to live or counting down till you can - this wont be forever. Dont put up with living with someone who makes your issues worse.
Your boyfriend. How would you feel about issuing an ultimatum? How do you see the relationship this time next year?
Im sorry to hear about your dad. I hope it passes quickly and he stays safe. It must be a terrible worry.
Its not surprising you are sinking back into bad coping mechanisms. Sometimes it feels like they are our only friend even when the sensible part knows theyre not.
I wish I could help more
I agree with this. Can you talk to your boyfriend about how're your feeling? The main thing i think you need here is someone around you to listen and support you and who you can turn to.
If not your boyfriend, then a close friend? Another roommate? I feel inclined to agree with graham tho. Once you feel better about yourself then maybe you'll feel better about other situations as well?
I think everyone is right. I need to take a step back, take a deep breath and see what I can do.
I really want to sort out this ridiculous BDD/self-esteem malarky. I just don't know where to start. I also don't want to go into anything too deeply, just in case I end up with even more burdens sitting on my shoulders!
I'm glad you've had the time to pamper yourself and have time to yourself! =]
I've been to counsilling before and it was shit. Really, really didn't help at all. I could go speak to a GP at the uni health service but there's only one and a half weeks of the semester left to go. As of 5th May I'll no longer be a student at my uni too so I probably won't qualify.
Thank you! =]
*Hugs*
I have periods when I get like this. When I won't leave the house for a few days, apart from going to the gym, work and picking my bf up. But I won;t go to the shops or town for the fear of people looking at me, staring and thinking about all the horrible thoughts they could be thinking about me!
They have started to become more frequent me not wanting to go out but I am trying to fight them, it is hard.
Have you spoke about this to your Dr? (Sorry if you have, I;ve not had chance to read the whole thread
I haven't spoken to a doctor. I don't really think that I want to. Thing is...my BDD isn't actually diagnosed. Maybe I've just got really bad self-esteem but the more I research BDD, the more sure I am. Still, I think it would be stupid of me to go see a doctor. My boyfriend thinks I've just got low self-esteem and that it's something I should figure out for myself. Maybe he's right?
I went to class, feeling like shit and really just wanting to disappear. I'd wrapped up, extra layers despite the sun and the warmth and I felt worse see all the pretty girls in their summer skirts and their shorts. No one turned up for class...so I'd gone out for nothing...
I couldn't bare to leave the flat to go and celebrate with my friends tonight.
And I start my new job tomorrow...
I want to sort my head out. I'm trying so hard but...I'm just ranting here.
So many googd things have happened to you today, that's
great but until you see the pattern that I can see you may
never recover.
I notice you believe so many negative things about yourself..
Why must you belive these things I don't know, but wouldn't it be much
better to learn to start beleiveing the complete opposite of what you
already do?
Take today as a beginning, so many good things happened to you but
still you're not happy.. Why are you not happy? because you chose
not to be or because someone forced you to beleive you are
unhappy?
Maybe this could arise in your mind what the frig is he talking
about, sometimes I think this myself but if you look deep
you'll see it all makes sense..
What about rephrasing what you last said to read "So many great
things happened to me today and I'm so happy they did, in fact
I beleive this happiness will continue for the rest of the week maybe even
until the end of the year.. Isn't it so great to feel happy."
Wheteher you like what I say or not, people choose to be happy
and also choose to be unhappy.
When at school the teacher could be general and shout at the pupils
for only one pupil to take it the wrong way and become upset, while the
rest smile and get on with their day.
People have choices, these choices, sometimes aren't easy
or recognisable but if you take the time to recognise your patterns of
thinking and find a way to change them, there's always that escape
route to happiness.
I'm confused... I really don't choose to feel this way. If someone said 'This is what you do for guaranteed happiness' I would do it. I want to be happy, just sometimes I struggle.
For the record, I've had a great day so far.
to let things get to you and to let your lifestyle rule you
then repair is very far from happening.
If you want more information on this reply, I will respond
to any questions you may have about this.
I'm still confused! But if you could tell me how to stop hating myself that would be grand
So you hate yourself is this an internal voice growling at you telling you that your are
worthless, your own inner voice deceiving you no matter how hard you try to think differently.
I guess so as it's the only part of you that can hate yourself, I mean if you arm were to
jump out at you and say it hated you it would be a strange occurunce, so inside of your
mind is where the hate is coming, from, something not easy to cure but very managable if
you take it into your own hands to understand it and what could be different.
I can imagine that voice in your head, and how it makes you feel, but I can also say it's
extremely easy to manipulate..Just imagine that voce now, in fact play it over in your
head just as it sounds, nasty isn't it?
Wouldn't you like to know how to change that, I'm sure you do, and I'm going to say
that it's quite easy, first you need to think deeply into that voice.. where is it appearing
from.. the front of your head, the back of your head or somewhere else?
This will help you become aware of this voice so in future you knwo that when that
voice creeps up on you from the same part of your head you can avoid it by doing
a short and easy exercise..
Try it now.. take that voice that you hear nad turn it into mr squeaky, mickey mouse or
any other funny character you can find, change the vocie so that it's so funny you can't
help but laugh at how stupid it is... keep doing it until you crack a smile, maybe even you'll
encourage a laugh but this is good, you'll see the power of this.. it's really powerful.
You may also bring images to the front of your mind everytime you think of yourself..
With these what are they like? Big? Bright? Colourful?
No images of hate or redicule should get big or colourful in your mind.. take these images
imagine them getting smaller and further away keep imagining them doing so.. keep doing it until
you've made very bad image about your situation so small tiny uncolourful and almost forgotten
Do these tasks now, for you not not for anyone else, but only yourself.. remember these tasks..
and complete them daily until you are eventually unable to think like you last did.
There is more, I will write more to help you, just try all of the above... do them now,, don't
keep regretting life and begin living life again.
.
Maybe it's being bitchy, but I'm getting nothing from these 'ideas' of yours.
And my good day doesn't feel quite so good now that I've been made to think about all the reasons I hate myself.
Your problem seems to be you are afraid of what help might
bring..
are you scared of what might happen if you take things into your
own hands and begin a state of repair?
I assure you there is nothing to fear only fear itself, fearing helping
yourself can only be a sure sign of unwillingless to learn.
The brain is EXTREMELY powerful when used to it's potential
you woulndn't believe what is possible, people through only
the power of their mind have battled ilnesses for years..
Think about it... there is no medicine that will fix you, the
medecines exist but there's nothing to say they will work.
Put your mind to work and you will see... I encourage no more
but would be sad to see another person on this earth fail
to see the real road to repair.. that many never would have
to do, as their circumstances never quite reach a point
of misunderstanding.
Some people never get this way, for me I've been there but know
I can never make it back.
Excuse me? But what are you? Cause I don't see psychologist or counsillor in your list of jack of all trades.
This is why I stopped counsilling... It was very patronising having someone point out how 'sad' my life is.