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juggling partner and parents
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi everyone,
Me and my bf live together and are engaged, I have lived with him for 2 and a half years now. Since I have lived with him I haven't been home for Christmas with my parents although I do see them in some holidays and stuff when I'm not working. I think my parents are getting upset that I don't see them more.
Now my bf has said that for my birthday he would like to have at least early morning for opening presents and stuff just me and him at our house. I assumed we would be going to see my parents (they are staying near where I live for the whole weekend). He now says that he is ok for the weekend just would like sat morning. My mum says he has no right because she doesn't see me enough anyway and that he is just having a tantrum.
I feel like I'm fighting a brick wall with my bf but at the same time I hate my mum feeling that way and I'm worried she will treat him differently because of this.
She has said before she thinks I do everything he says and not what I want. I don't think there is much I can say or do to change her opinion.
Any suggestions? Sorry for talking so long.
Me and my bf live together and are engaged, I have lived with him for 2 and a half years now. Since I have lived with him I haven't been home for Christmas with my parents although I do see them in some holidays and stuff when I'm not working. I think my parents are getting upset that I don't see them more.
Now my bf has said that for my birthday he would like to have at least early morning for opening presents and stuff just me and him at our house. I assumed we would be going to see my parents (they are staying near where I live for the whole weekend). He now says that he is ok for the weekend just would like sat morning. My mum says he has no right because she doesn't see me enough anyway and that he is just having a tantrum.
I feel like I'm fighting a brick wall with my bf but at the same time I hate my mum feeling that way and I'm worried she will treat him differently because of this.
She has said before she thinks I do everything he says and not what I want. I don't think there is much I can say or do to change her opinion.
Any suggestions? Sorry for talking so long.
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Comments
I'm ok with knowing what I want just not putting my foot down. Or knowing how to stop my mum feeling bad
Im not sure either why your boyfriend says he wants you to be together for your birthday morning if you have told him youd rather go to your parents on friday. Its YOUR birthday ffs, not his.
You dont sound very assertive
I'm not very assertive and I think they both see it as each others decisions if that makes sense. It's like... my mum will say i always do what my bf says and my bf will say i always listen to my mum too much!!
I feel responsible for their feelings somehow. Like its my job to keep them happy.
I know its not my responsibility Suzy its just hard to keep telling myself that. I always feel like everything is my responsibility and worry. I even worry when things nearly went wrong!
Sometimes mums think they know who is good and not good at the end of the day it is your choice. My mum was always telling me my bf was no good but I made the choice if he was or wasnt.
Does he not get on with your mum?
Im 32, have lived away from home since i was 16, yet speak to my mum on the phone several times a week or see her
Agreed.
Why somebody should have an issue with you speaking to your mother is rather confusing.
He says he doesn't mind but he gets so bored and distracts me.
he doesn't get on that well with any of his family, only pops in occasionally. I think he just has always been independent and doesn't get why I 'need' to speak to my family so often.
Then why not have a special extra birthday? Like just before your parents get into town. That way it can be extra special fun!
If he's being really stubborn, maybe it's because he has something exciting planned!! Do you have any mutual friends that can maybe find out?
You know, that's what I started thinking.
Possibly not best to start prying - if it is something really nice, to ruin that would be just stupid.
youve been together 2 and a half years, but he cant entertain himself for a little while while you chat on the phone once a week?
Is he quite controlling in other ways?
What about friends of yours. is he ok with them?
He gets on well with most my mates but we tend to spend more time with his because of where they live.
He has a very short attention span. He will get bored within like an hour.
This seems like a difficult situation, you don't want to hurt either of them yet you are trying to hold an equal balance and this can be very hard, especially if your parents don't approve of your boyfriend. This article on parents not letting go can help you step by step on the kind of relationship you want with your parents - yet if you use the same steps and look at the relationship with your boyfriend it might help too.
Good luck!
You sound like me about three years ago....
You have every right to talk to your parents and see your family when you want to. When he gets bored tell him to go off and amuse himself until you've finished. Just because he doesnt get on with his family doesnt mean he has to stop you seeing yours.
If you include uni my brother hasnt lived at home for six years now and my mum still phones him once a week for a chat.
You really need to stand up for yourself a bit more.
I find it difficult to work out how much contact is normal and if my mum or my bf are being too demanding. I guess it should be less about normal and more about what I want but I'm not always good at that either!!
You were right IWishIWas, he does have stuff planned. I'm thinking he still would have been better to say something rather than making lame excuses about beds being too small!
I was having bad day yesterday and I hate hearing my mum upset. Today I am feeling stronger. I do need to stand up for myself more. Habits Are hard to break especially when people assume you are just going to let them walk over you. They tend to get a bit defensive in my experience.
if you live with him, you obviously see him everyday and as you have said, your parents are up for the weekend. i would just tell him that i was seeing my parents and would see him the other days you are off together!
YES! I was right!
Still, as you say, it might have been easier if he'd just come out and said it. Glad it's all helped you feel stronger though!
When is your birthday? Do keep us informed on the surprise!
Hehe, that's what I was thinking! Is there any possibility that you could tell your mum that you think he has something planned, so she doesn't just think he's being awkward? Is it a special birthday?