Telling people you don't like to fuck off

Former Member

This sounds awful, but basically I'm half-Chinese (and look Chinese), and am always inundated with Chinese blokes wanting to "network". A lot of them are younger (eg students at Imperial), wanting to break into my industry, or see me as a mentor / inspiration.

Anyway, irrelevant. And its not just the above, its plenty of random blokes I meet out at parties and stuff, some working in tech, some new to London and wanting to make friends. The point is, I get flooded with emails, text messages / phonecalls (often friends giving my number out to randoms), Facebook messages / wall posts / Chat msgs, from people always asking to meet up for a coffee or dinner.

I don't want to meet blokes. I see it as a total waste of time. I have enough male friends, and many of these guys are complete and utter gimps, with poor social skills, can't speak English properly (not their fault if they're not from here, but I don't want to hang out with people I can't have a flowing conversation with) who I simply don't like.

Anyway, I don't like ignoring emails / messages not replying to them. How do I politely decline coffee / dinner requests from guys wanting to "network"? I often try saying I'm busy but then they message / call again the week after, and the week after that. Obviously nobody is too busy 7 evenings a week.

I'm sure a lot of you must have people you don't particularly like wanting to meet up with you, how do you get them off your back? I can't rudely tell them I don't like them etc as there's always mutual friends.

T x

Former Member

Ask your friends not to give your number out. If you don't know them then you aren't really obligated to respond if you don't want to.

Former Member

clementine_the_tangerine wrote: »

Ask your friends not to give your number out. If you don't know them then you aren't really obligated to respond if you don't want to.

Thx. Its more typically a friend of friend I have 10 seconds conversation with at an event, they then straightaway add me on Facebook, feel obligated to accept as I'll no doubt see them out and about a lot thereafter with same mutual friends, and then they start wall-posting / msging to meet up for dinner. If I was gay I'd love this.

Former Member

It's funny how we sometimes are never happy with our lot in life. There are a few people that post on these boards who appear not to have any friends, or social networking, for one reason or another. I am sure being lonely is far worse than having too many friends and acquaintances. You seem to complain a lot about your life. If this is a real issue, remember things could be so much worse, which pales this into insignificance.

Former Member

Teagan wrote: »

It's funny how we sometimes are never happy with our lot in life. There are a few people that post on these boards who appear not to have any friends, or social networking, for one reason or another. I am sure being lonely is far worse than having too many friends and acquaintances. You seem to complain a lot about your life. If this is a real issue, remember things could be so much worse, which pales this into insignificance.

Good point. Nobody ever has it perfect but this issue despite being annoying I'm sure is bearable.

Have you tried politely saying you don't feel like you know them well enough to go to dinner with them? I don't think its rude or harsh either

Former Member

The other thing to remember is facebook doesn't tell someone if you reject their friend request. So don't bother saying yes.

Former Member

Teagan wrote: »

It's funny how we sometimes are never happy with our lot in life. There are a few people that post on these boards who appear not to have any friends, or social networking, for one reason or another. I am sure being lonely is far worse than having too many friends and acquaintances. You seem to complain a lot about your life. If this is a real issue, remember things could be so much worse, which pales this into insignificance.

Well you sort of have a point, I know my posts are trivial compared to other people's. But, does that mean I don't have the right to make threads here just because other people's issues are much more serious? Where do you draw the line, to most people here their life isn't worth complaining about, if you compare it to a starving African or whatever..

Former Member

Scary Monster wrote: »

The other thing to remember is facebook doesn't tell someone if you reject their friend request. So don't bother saying yes.

If you reject their friend request, it will say "Add as friend" again, so either they'll know I've rejected them and then bitch about that to mutual friends, and/or add me back again. If I leave it pending, they'll know I've just left it pending as they'll know through me posting on people's walls / tagging pics that I log in frequently. I need my profile as public as possible as I occasionally get hot girls wanting to hook up, has also helped a bit with my career eg partnerships etc, just fed up of being flypaper for ugly, antisocial gimps who can't speak English properly.

Former Member

i would just not respond to the friend requests or texts.
who cares what people you dont know think?

Former Member

I feel for you. I agree that there are worse problem to have but to be honest that could be said about everyone in the world except for the one person who literally does have it the worst, so it's hardly worth the comparison.

I can relate to you as I've had this issue both in the past where I really was a busy person and now when I do have time and I don't see many people but I prefer not to, I often get asked to go out with people and decline. When I was at university I would get people wanting to like 'make friends' with me because I was a good student and had really clear lecture notes so people would often want to borrow them from me etc and would falsely try to be friends with me when all they really wanted was someone to help them catch up with the lectures they bunked off. Grr...

And now, well I have many friends and I both find myself turning down offers from real friends to meet up and if someone who is a potential new friend suggests something too it can be awkward. I just want to isolate myself now, through choice, although I agree that this is preferable to being lonely.

Hmm... in some ways being assertive can help a lot. Have you done any assertiveness training? I found this to be really helpful. Really a bit of honesty is usually preferable to lying about being busy all the time. Or sometimes, if it is a friend who I do want to see but not as much as they want to see me I suggest meeting up a date really far in advance knowing that it will give me some time without them. But yeah it is a tough one. Especially if you don't want to actively offend people and if you have friend in common.

Former Member

SuzyCreamcheese wrote: »

i would just not respond to the friend requests or texts.
who cares what people you dont know think?

Agreed.

Also, if they're going to bitch about you as you didn't accept their friend request on Facebook then they really need check their priorities.

Former Member

tinkler wrote: »

I need my profile as public as possible as I occasionally get hot girls wanting to hook up, has also helped a bit with my career eg partnerships etc, just fed up of being flypaper for ugly, antisocial gimps who can't speak English properly.

Then I suggest you use honesty. Tell them you think they're ugly, antisocial gimps who can't speak English properly. If they have any sense, they'll want nothing more to do with you. I notice that in a post further up you remark "If I was gay I'd love this," because presumably gay people are either all walking libidos eager to get it on with any old "ugly, antisocial gimps" they can lay their homo mitts on, or else they're just all much nicer than you?

Former Member

Shakespeare wrote: »

I notice that in a post further up you remark "If I was gay I'd love this," because presumably gay people are either all walking libidos eager to get it on with any old "ugly, antisocial gimps" they can lay their homo mitts on, or else they're just all much nicer than you?

Well, I have no doubt from what I've seen that gays are a lot, lot less fussy about who they'll "lay their homo mitts on", but that's a different debate for a different thread..

Skive

Non issue.

Don't like somebody, ignore them. Can't ignore them, tell them they're a cunt.

Former Member

Skive wrote: »

Non issue.

Don't like somebody, ignore them. Can't ignore them, tell them they're a cunt.

Love it

**helen**

tinkler wrote: »

Well, I have no doubt from what I've seen that gays are a lot, lot less fussy about who they'll "lay their homo mitts on", but that's a different debate for a different thread..

Actually, that's not up for discussion on these forums at all. It's complete crap and for the record, anymore comments on it will be deleted and get this thread closed. Shakespeare, please don't come into a thread just to cause aggravation - if something offends you then just report it.

On topic, it's not wrong for you to ignore people you don't fancy meeting for coffee etc. There's only so much time people have for socialising so I wouldn't feel bad about asking friends to avoid giving your number out where possible.

Former Member

Why are your friends giving out your phone number without your permission in the first place? If any of mine did that, they'd get an absolute bollocking!

Former Member

reject them as facebook friends.
If they moan thats their problem. Its not as if you see them every day.

If you did, then there wouldn't be a problem adding them as a facebook friend.

Former Member

Maybe you are an easy target in being easy going and a little too trusting. I do not have a problem saying “No”, but being firm about it, and assert myself when the time is right. There is no need to be outwardly rude - saying “F off!” is more likely to gain you enemies, so rehearse what you’re wanting to say, memorise it and wait until some guy triggers you into responding. Start doing things independently, even ask yourself why you favour one particular establishment for socialising. Is there another place you can go to that is quieter, like being sat a table facing the door where you see people entering only without them spotting you first?

Social networking may work well with the likes of Facebook or Myspace if that is your thing or, if you have one of those then why not make them private? But as for emailing be choosy. Don’t offer your email address to anyone until you at least get to know them. Trust is only gained when you begin to feel that the person isn’t likely to ask for your phone number or begin getting a little too personal in asking you awkward questions. If asked something you are not comfy with, a polite “No I’m sorry, I don’t know you well enough yet” should be good enough. Look them straight in the eye, but give a slight smile to take the edge off your reply. If challenged, removing that smile off your face and fixing them a dead stare works really well. If not - then use silence. Silence is a potent weapon. And walk away. And keep walking. In saying “No!” in situations where you don't feel right or are in doubt, you will tell them to move along.

We all have boundaries. Setting boundaries helps protect ourselves. It seals a friendship that will not go further than you wish. Speak out your feelings. I have had something similar to deal with in the death of my family friend when other people though well-meaning became unacceptably intrusive. I told other people when they were acting in ways that wasn’t acceptable to me and if they didn’t like my attitude I’d walk out the door.

I don’t know if I have helped in any way but I have found that only those who respect your privacy and keep their distance are, in the long run, those worth keeping. Because then you have all the time you need to nurture friendships but only in your own time.

Poppi

Former Member

Well Id find a women who is clearly out of your league, and keep emailing and txting her, then use her rejection emails and txts as material for yourself. Think of her as a random rejection generator. You could get done for plagurism though.

Former Member

From what I read it seems that the OP needs to calm down a tad or two. While it is ok to tell people that you're not interested in any more contact, there's really no reason to tell them to fuck off by word or to use filthy language. Further on, it's also acceptable to not like people you meet, but the OP doesn't have to tell the world how crappy he thinks everyone else are.

Former Member

T-Kay wrote: »

From what I read it seems that the OP needs to calm down a tad or two. While it is ok to tell people that you're not interested in any more contact, there's really no reason to tell them to fuck off by word or to use filthy language. Further on, it's also acceptable to not like people you meet, but the OP doesn't have to tell the world how crappy he thinks everyone else are.

I'm using "fuck off" as a figure of speech rather than would say it to their face! If we have mutual friends, it means at parties etc I'm lumbered with their company, so thinking I should just be tolerant of people if I have no choice but to be in the same social circle at times. Am thinking of the excuse I do a hardcore gym session every night and don't go drinking on weekdays so I can't catch up with them then, but they can find me out at weekend parties with our other friends..

Former Member

Just keep politely declining their offers until it reaches the point where you can decline them on the basis of them harassing you in a creepy manner.

Former Member

I don't understand this much. On the one hand, you care enough about what they think not to tell them to fuck off... but you don't want to spend any time with them. So, you want people to like you without spending time with them?

If it was me I'd probably say I was too busy in an average week but they're welcome to e-mail me if they want to ask any questions or whatever it is you talk to them about. Instead of telling them to fuck off you can offer your time virtually so you can reply when you can be arsed and nobody has to know. Plus, they probably won't e-mail you anyway.