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Telling people you don't like to fuck off
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
This sounds awful, but basically I'm half-Chinese (and look Chinese), and am always inundated with Chinese blokes wanting to "network". A lot of them are younger (eg students at Imperial), wanting to break into my industry, or see me as a mentor / inspiration.
Anyway, irrelevant. And its not just the above, its plenty of random blokes I meet out at parties and stuff, some working in tech, some new to London and wanting to make friends. The point is, I get flooded with emails, text messages / phonecalls (often friends giving my number out to randoms), Facebook messages / wall posts / Chat msgs, from people always asking to meet up for a coffee or dinner.
I don't want to meet blokes. I see it as a total waste of time. I have enough male friends, and many of these guys are complete and utter gimps, with poor social skills, can't speak English properly (not their fault if they're not from here, but I don't want to hang out with people I can't have a flowing conversation with) who I simply don't like.
Anyway, I don't like ignoring emails / messages not replying to them. How do I politely decline coffee / dinner requests from guys wanting to "network"? I often try saying I'm busy but then they message / call again the week after, and the week after that. Obviously nobody is too busy 7 evenings a week.
I'm sure a lot of you must have people you don't particularly like wanting to meet up with you, how do you get them off your back? I can't rudely tell them I don't like them etc as there's always mutual friends.
T x
Anyway, irrelevant. And its not just the above, its plenty of random blokes I meet out at parties and stuff, some working in tech, some new to London and wanting to make friends. The point is, I get flooded with emails, text messages / phonecalls (often friends giving my number out to randoms), Facebook messages / wall posts / Chat msgs, from people always asking to meet up for a coffee or dinner.
I don't want to meet blokes. I see it as a total waste of time. I have enough male friends, and many of these guys are complete and utter gimps, with poor social skills, can't speak English properly (not their fault if they're not from here, but I don't want to hang out with people I can't have a flowing conversation with) who I simply don't like.
Anyway, I don't like ignoring emails / messages not replying to them. How do I politely decline coffee / dinner requests from guys wanting to "network"? I often try saying I'm busy but then they message / call again the week after, and the week after that. Obviously nobody is too busy 7 evenings a week.
I'm sure a lot of you must have people you don't particularly like wanting to meet up with you, how do you get them off your back? I can't rudely tell them I don't like them etc as there's always mutual friends.
T x
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Comments
Good point. Nobody ever has it perfect but this issue despite being annoying I'm sure is bearable.
Have you tried politely saying you don't feel like you know them well enough to go to dinner with them? I don't think its rude or harsh either
who cares what people you dont know think?
I can relate to you as I've had this issue both in the past where I really was a busy person and now when I do have time and I don't see many people but I prefer not to, I often get asked to go out with people and decline. When I was at university I would get people wanting to like 'make friends' with me because I was a good student and had really clear lecture notes so people would often want to borrow them from me etc and would falsely try to be friends with me when all they really wanted was someone to help them catch up with the lectures they bunked off. Grr...
And now, well I have many friends and I both find myself turning down offers from real friends to meet up and if someone who is a potential new friend suggests something too it can be awkward. I just want to isolate myself now, through choice, although I agree that this is preferable to being lonely.
Hmm... in some ways being assertive can help a lot. Have you done any assertiveness training? I found this to be really helpful. Really a bit of honesty is usually preferable to lying about being busy all the time. Or sometimes, if it is a friend who I do want to see but not as much as they want to see me I suggest meeting up a date really far in advance knowing that it will give me some time without them. But yeah it is a tough one. Especially if you don't want to actively offend people and if you have friend in common.
Agreed.
Also, if they're going to bitch about you as you didn't accept their friend request on Facebook then they really need check their priorities.
Then I suggest you use honesty. Tell them you think they're ugly, antisocial gimps who can't speak English properly. If they have any sense, they'll want nothing more to do with you. I notice that in a post further up you remark "If I was gay I'd love this," because presumably gay people are either all walking libidos eager to get it on with any old "ugly, antisocial gimps" they can lay their homo mitts on, or else they're just all much nicer than you?
Don't like somebody, ignore them. Can't ignore them, tell them they're a cunt.
Love it
Actually, that's not up for discussion on these forums at all. It's complete crap and for the record, anymore comments on it will be deleted and get this thread closed. Shakespeare, please don't come into a thread just to cause aggravation - if something offends you then just report it.
On topic, it's not wrong for you to ignore people you don't fancy meeting for coffee etc. There's only so much time people have for socialising so I wouldn't feel bad about asking friends to avoid giving your number out where possible.
If they moan thats their problem. Its not as if you see them every day.
If you did, then there wouldn't be a problem adding them as a facebook friend.
Social networking may work well with the likes of Facebook or Myspace if that is your thing or, if you have one of those then why not make them private? But as for emailing be choosy. Don’t offer your email address to anyone until you at least get to know them. Trust is only gained when you begin to feel that the person isn’t likely to ask for your phone number or begin getting a little too personal in asking you awkward questions. If asked something you are not comfy with, a polite “No I’m sorry, I don’t know you well enough yet” should be good enough. Look them straight in the eye, but give a slight smile to take the edge off your reply. If challenged, removing that smile off your face and fixing them a dead stare works really well. If not - then use silence. Silence is a potent weapon. And walk away. And keep walking. In saying “No!” in situations where you don't feel right or are in doubt, you will tell them to move along.
We all have boundaries. Setting boundaries helps protect ourselves. It seals a friendship that will not go further than you wish. Speak out your feelings. I have had something similar to deal with in the death of my family friend when other people though well-meaning became unacceptably intrusive. I told other people when they were acting in ways that wasn’t acceptable to me and if they didn’t like my attitude I’d walk out the door.
I don’t know if I have helped in any way but I have found that only those who respect your privacy and keep their distance are, in the long run, those worth keeping. Because then you have all the time you need to nurture friendships but only in your own time.
Poppi
If it was me I'd probably say I was too busy in an average week but they're welcome to e-mail me if they want to ask any questions or whatever it is you talk to them about. Instead of telling them to fuck off you can offer your time virtually so you can reply when you can be arsed and nobody has to know. Plus, they probably won't e-mail you anyway.