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I'm bleedin' furious with my girlfriend.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
This weekend, I could could have gone away with the lads, or I could have spent a bit of time with my girlfriend. I chose the latter.
It turns out she wanted to do something today, or so I thought anyway......

So as I'm preparing myself this morning to go out and enjoy my weekend with her........... she's on the phone,a nd dithers around before suddenly deciding to concel on me. For no good reason, saying she's gonna watch the Glastonbury coverage instead or something. the tone of her voice suggested tm me that she couldn't give a damn either way.

Natually I was furious, having denied myself some precious time with the lads for her, only so she can suddenly let me down like that? I made no secret of my displeasure over the phone, and she just hung up after a brief trade of four-letter expletives.

Trouble is, this isn't really an isolated case at all. Half of the time, she can be the nicest person on earth, but on the other hand, she can be downright nasty, rude and inconsiderate. Just like today.

I'm starting a new job on Monday too, so I really don't need this nonsense spilling out beyond the weekend. Don't get me wrong, I love her, but it's very difficult to feel that way when she's behaving like this.

I don't know whether to try and sit her down and make her listen to what I have to say about her attitide, or just cut my losses and run, but obviosuly, the latter option will never be easy. Never is, is it?

We've been going out for a year now, by the way.
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you're feeling like this after just a year, cut and run mate! Whats the point hanging around when you're not 100% happy?
    Theres always somebody better suited to you out there so why settle?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve87 wrote: »
    This weekend, I could could have gone away with the lads, or I could have spent a bit of time with my girlfriend. I chose the latter.
    It turns out she wanted to do something today, or so I thought anyway......

    So as I'm preparing myself this morning to go out and enjoy my weekend with her........... she's on the phone,a nd dithers around before suddenly deciding to concel on me. For no good reason, saying she's gonna watch the Glastonbury coverage instead or something. the tone of her voice suggested tm me that she couldn't give a damn either way.

    Natually I was furious, having denied myself some precious time with the lads for her, only so she can suddenly let me down like that? I made no secret of my displeasure over the phone, and she just hung up after a brief trade of four-letter expletives.

    Trouble is, this isn't really an isolated case at all. Half of the time, she can be the nicest person on earth, but on the other hand, she can be downright nasty, rude and inconsiderate. Just like today.

    I'm starting a new job on Monday too, so I really don't need this nonsense spilling out beyond the weekend. Don't get me wrong, I love her, but it's very difficult to feel that way when she's behaving like this.

    I don't know whether to try and sit her down and make her listen to what I have to say about her attitide, or just cut my losses and run, but obviosuly, the latter option will never be easy. Never is, is it?

    We've been going out for a year now, by the way.

    thats really inconsiderate of her..she should have appreciated that youve taken time out just for her!! If shes nasty to you on a regular basis,id say cut your losses and run,to be honest..i know thats the harder of the 2 options,but can you honestly say you really love someone whos so nasty to you on a fairly regular basis? You cant exactly love the way that makes you feel!! Either way,hope you manage to have it out with her this weekend so the airs cleared in time for yous new job..good luck..:)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve87 wrote:
    she can be downright nasty, rude and inconsiderate. Just like today.
    Err, dump the bitch?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    tinkler wrote: »
    Err, dump the bitch?

    I have to agree. Behaviour like that should be few and far between - if it happens at all, that is! If this is regular, then no chance.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    tbh
    i would say dump her
    but before i would sit down a talk with her if u really like her
    if u've been going on for a year then i would devintly talk to her first
    Give her a chance to change
    if she doesn't change then cut ur loses and leave
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe you've just come to the end of the line relationship-wise. I personally think relationships aren't meant to stand the test of time as we as individual are contionally changing during the course of our lives whether we realise it or not. Does make you think what's the point eh...but then we have to remember we are living in here and now and anything can happen! :eek2:

    I'm bit of a cunt :yes: and tend to see the worse sometime. One thing I'd consider is she might be being all hot and cold playing mind games as ploy so she can buy time till new ship comes along then she'll ditch you like a rat jumping a shit-infested-stinking-soon-to-be sinking ship.

    *Some* birds hate being on their own so much they'll endure an unhappy relationship just so they don't have to be alone!

    Or could be she feeling jealous of your new job and see you moving on with life and she stuck in rut etc etc. However don't feel like the bad guy and don't pour more attention onto this cold fish, you've done right thing it's up to her to play nice back to you.

    Come whatever may mate one thing is for certain.....Next time you get an offer to go out with the boys you fuckin well do it and to hell with that bitch!! :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Did you not suggest that you watched the coverage together?

    Personally I'm always reluctant to suggest (as others have) that you dump her, we really have so little information to go on. Talk to her, explain your issue with her actions and see where it goes, just swearing at her is not communication (and its bad form).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Now for an update;

    She did phone me yesterday, out of the blue. She had the cheek to place the blame for all the problems on me and my temper, but I think she's just not willing to accept that she did stand me up on Saturday, to a certain degree at least. She's just as in the wrong as me, yet she's just trying to make me feel guitly for being unhappy just because I was incovenienced in such a manner?

    I told her in reply that I was unhappy because of her hot/cold attitude, but I think that went in one ear and out of the other, because she still preferred to focus on the fact I was a bit pissed off. She also said she'd "find someone else" if I didn't "change my attitude". To be honest, she's hardly had a nice thing to say about me for some time, so if I really was the arsehole she like to make me otu to be, why didn't she piss off earlier?
    Perhaps she really doesn't want to be single...

    Then she went on to ask me if I wanted to meet up somewhere today and discuss things, but I'd have to ring her in the morning to confirm things.
    Which is what I've tried to do, but with no answer. I've left her a message asking her what's going on. I doubt I'll get a reply.

    She totally ignored me on Tuesday, and much of Wednesday too despite having agreed to talk to me earlier in the week.
    I think I'm really starting to lean towards rather drastic action now, if you catch my drift, because all she's doing is giving me more problems when I've already got my new job to concentrate on. I really don't need any more of this crap.

    Which is a shame, because things really were good a few months ago, but especially in recent times, she's developed this whole hot-cold thing,a nd she can go form one to the other with very little warning, and often at the worst times too. I'm sure it's something more than 'time of the month', because it's far worse than that.

    I know I can get wound up by certain people sometimes, but that doesn't make those who cause the problems as clean as a whistle though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wouldnt bother chasing her, if she wants to talk and put the effort in she will call you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    budda wrote: »
    I wouldnt bother chasing her, if she wants to talk and put the effort in she will call you.

    :yes:

    Sounds like she is done with the relationship. If she can't be bothered trying, I don't see why you should.

    I am wondering if she is trying to get you to end it with her as she doesn't know how to end it herself...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    g_angel wrote: »
    I am wondering if she is trying to get you to end it with her as she doesn't know how to end it herself...

    it's quite possible, i dated a lass with similar issues who kept pushing friends away with the hot/cold treatment to the point where they eventually left her, and she could hold onto the victim mentality without feeling guilty for having to be the one to end it. she did teach me a valuable lesson though, i can spot a bunny boiler a mile off lol.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve87 wrote: »
    Now for an update;

    She did phone me yesterday, out of the blue. She had the cheek to place the blame for all the problems on me and my temper, but I think she's just not willing to accept that she did stand me up on Saturday, to a certain degree at least. She's just as in the wrong as me, yet she's just trying to make me feel guitly for being unhappy just because I was incovenienced in such a manner?

    I told her in reply that I was unhappy because of her hot/cold attitude, but I think that went in one ear and out of the other, because she still preferred to focus on the fact I was a bit pissed off. She also said she'd "find someone else" if I didn't "change my attitude". To be honest, she's hardly had a nice thing to say about me for some time, so if I really was the arsehole she like to make me otu to be, why didn't she piss off earlier?
    Perhaps she really doesn't want to be single...

    Then she went on to ask me if I wanted to meet up somewhere today and discuss things, but I'd have to ring her in the morning to confirm things.
    Which is what I've tried to do, but with no answer. I've left her a message asking her what's going on. I doubt I'll get a reply.

    She totally ignored me on Tuesday, and much of Wednesday too despite having agreed to talk to me earlier in the week.
    I think I'm really starting to lean towards rather drastic action now, if you catch my drift, because all she's doing is giving me more problems when I've already got my new job to concentrate on. I really don't need any more of this crap.

    Which is a shame, because things really were good a few months ago, but especially in recent times, she's developed this whole hot-cold thing,a nd she can go form one to the other with very little warning, and often at the worst times too. I'm sure it's something more than 'time of the month', because it's far worse than that.

    I know I can get wound up by certain people sometimes, but that doesn't make those who cause the problems as clean as a whistle though.


    Right this is interesting. There could be many reasons for this but without knowing both sides of the stories with the "facts" etc it's difficult to tell.

    However, you do have some options. I have always favoured the communication option and in this case it would seem you both need to talk about this.

    Ideally get her to meet you, perhaps for a coffee, on neutral ground. Don't beat around the bush and stick to the point, be direct and be firm but don't raise your voice or lose your temper.

    Discuss your feelings and your position in the relationship, explain you do want to continue to see her but you are concerned with how she has been acting lately. Wait and see what she says.

    It's going to be a play-it-be-ear situation so don't try to guess the outcome. Try to remain positive throughout. Be aware that it could go either way and you and her meeting up could be possibly construed as her way out of the relationship and afford her with the opportunity and excuse to end things.

    If she is willing to continue then an ultimatum might he a consideration - are you willing to allow yourself to continually treated with disrespect or do you value yourself more than that?

    You can decide how long you feel is an appropriate time to establish her motives and, being in that position, you must be prepared to walk away if she isn't interested in continuing.

    Hope it works out for ya.

    A.

    Edit: I find advice like "dump the bitch" a little destructive and pointless because it is one person's opinion and not based on sound reason and evidence :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    On additional note, there is something to note about psychological relationships; in short, if someone has a continuation of bad relationships, often it is that type of relationship that moulds what someone is used to, so when the question is asked "Why oh why does she always go for the bad guys" (for example) the reason is that it is literally all they know and when they do find a nice guy and someone they do get on with, they cannot handle it as it goes against what they can handle.

    Hence always going back to what you know...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yet another update...:rolleyes:

    she's suddenly phoned me, and she claims there's nothing wrong. However, unusually, she says she won't be speaking to me for a week. She says she's working Monday, Wednesday and Friday (which is obvious to me) and then she says she's at some 'party; on tuesday and shopping on Thursday.

    I asked her if she had a spare moment this weekend, she simply says she's "doing stuff." She doesn't even hit at what she means by that, but it does whiff of dishonesty in a way, I guess.

    So no chance of me doing the deed in person then. But again, it was her way of delivering all tjhat. Quck as she could, and she cuts off before I can get a word in. I didn't lose my temper, I just tried to reason with her.

    So, basically, she can't even spare five minutes in her day to speak to someone she supposedly 'loves'? What a joke!

    Why do I even fucking bother? :banghead:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve87 wrote: »
    Yet another update...:rolleyes:

    she's suddenly phoned me, and she claims there's nothing wrong. However, unusually, she says she won't be speaking to me for a week. She says she's working Monday, Wednesday and Friday (which is obvious to me) and then she says she's at some 'party; on tuesday and shopping on Thursday.

    I asked her if she had a spare moment this weekend, she simply says she's "doing stuff." She doesn't even hit at what she means by that, but it does whiff of dishonesty in a way, I guess.

    So no chance of me doing the deed in person then. But again, it was her way of delivering all tjhat. Quck as she could, and she cuts off before I can get a word in. I didn't lose my temper, I just tried to reason with her.

    So, basically, she can't even spare five minutes in her day to speak to someone she supposedly 'loves'? What a joke!

    Why do I even fucking bother? :banghead:

    End it. She doesn't deserve face to face if she can't be arsed to give you five minutes.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dont bother, as hard as it might be dont chase, dont try and phone her, and dont try and get her to talk to you. Just wait and see what she does.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve87 wrote: »
    Yet another update...:rolleyes:

    she's suddenly phoned me, and she claims there's nothing wrong. However, unusually, she says she won't be speaking to me for a week. She says she's working Monday, Wednesday and Friday (which is obvious to me) and then she says she's at some 'party; on tuesday and shopping on Thursday.

    I asked her if she had a spare moment this weekend, she simply says she's "doing stuff." She doesn't even hit at what she means by that, but it does whiff of dishonesty in a way, I guess.

    So no chance of me doing the deed in person then. But again, it was her way of delivering all tjhat. Quck as she could, and she cuts off before I can get a word in. I didn't lose my temper, I just tried to reason with her.

    So, basically, she can't even spare five minutes in her day to speak to someone she supposedly 'loves'? What a joke!

    Why do I even fucking bother? :banghead:


    Hey Steve

    Ok she's made it clear she isn't interested at all - little even to talk it out.

    This is going to sound tough, but, pull back, completely.

    If you're going to walk from this with some self-respect then you need to pull back completely, that means, ignore her calls, if any, ignore her texts, do not chase her. As soon as she realises you aren't chasing then her human nature will be curious as to why.

    But! Don't give in, if she does chase then let her chase you a while, hey she's busy right? Well, now, so are you. Make plans for every night this week and the weekend and if possible keep busy next week also.

    Even if you aren't busy it's important that she be aware you are. In short, you don't need her as you have things to do and don't have to make any time for her unless you want to and at this point you don't.

    Remember, the one that needs the other one the LEAST in the relationship, is the MOST in control. I'd guess presently that you aren't in control as she doens't need you in her life.

    So, no pitiful chasing text messages or phone calls to her, simply pull back until you are in a position to dictate terms.

    Until she is knocking on your door and ready to talk to you, when you have time that is, then best just play it cool.

    The deal is that she come back to you when ready but I'd suggest having a firm date in mind of when you say goodbye - perhaps a month perhaps sooner it all depends.

    Good luck !

    A.

    Edit: If at some point she does want to talk it out, ensure you don't slip back into the old habit, I cannot stress that enough, if you do end up trying again, be sure it is what you both want and that your needs are addressed and you are happy. A suggestion would be a trial "try again" period whereby you can give her a chance to make it up to you - that is up to you - but don't let her walk all over you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Admittedly, I have since sent her a 'final word' telling her what I think, but I'm not saying anything else, difficult as it may be. I suppose I've just got to get something off my chest, right?

    But from here, it's up to her as far as I'm concerned, though considering her attitude, I'm not hopeful in the slightest.

    I've been enough of a mug as it is lately, now I think is the time to take care of myself. better phone up a mate or two. Any more time worrying about her, and I think I'm working my way toawrds a nervous breakdown anyway.

    EDIT; just to add, thanks guys.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve87 wrote: »
    Admittedly, I have since sent her a 'final word' telling her what I think, but I'm not saying anything else, difficult as it may be. I suppose I've just got to get something off my chest, right?

    But from here, it's up to her as far as I'm concerned, though considering her attitude, I'm not hopeful in the slightest.

    I've been enough of a mug as it is lately, now I think is the time to take care of myself. better phone up a mate or two. Any more time worrying about her, and I think I'm working my way toawrds a nervous breakdown anyway.

    EDIT; just to add, thanks guys.

    If I may ask, what was the final word?

    "... and the horse you rode in on!" type ?

    A.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmm, I wish I could remember now!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh dear.

    Well wait it out. See what happens. But try to remain positive.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mind you, most of my anger was taken out on my phone this time 'round.

    Things I wish I never did......
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Another update:

    She's just phoned me, and dumped me there and then, blankly saying "we're finished". Again, no time to say anythig myself, but it all happened so quickly really.

    Even though the writing was probably on the wall, it's still a masiive shock to me,a nd there is obviously a massive gap in my life now by the looks of it.

    Ther's all the advice in the world on how to deal with these things, but I honestly don't think there's any easy way of going through it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wow. I'm sorry to hear that!

    I guess it's time to move on then ... :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Write it off as a learning experience, with her dire level of communication skills it wasnt going to last anyway.

    I'd also have a think about how you reacted to her and whether it was productive at the time - I dont mean that to sound harsh, but this is a good stage to look at how you acted and see if there is anything you want to change.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There is a lot, I think. I think my moods probably added to it, but I think that was sometimes as a result of her attitude. I guess sometimes we were like water and electricity.
    But really, I think just being in a relationship made my emotions a bit more dramatic too, though I guess that's pretty normal, isn't it?

    Either way, I think part of me does need to change a little, because of course I don't particularly enjoy being angry.

    I do have my regrets in a way, but I know it wasn't entirely my fault it ended up like this.

    Maybe I just needed a break so i could calm down a bit. Maybe I'll slow down as the years add on, I don't know.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It doesn't seem like you've come to the point in a relationship where you find an understanding on how to compromise each others emotions.

    Another way of explaining it is in some circumstances she doesn't value your views/affection/feelings enough to realise that she is being unreasonable.

    That's not bad, you know, people grow on each other in time and realisations need to be made to about what is acceptable to make a relationship strong. This is key, you need to demonstrate to her that she is acting unacceptable. you NEED to do this in a very loving, respectable and SECURE way.

    Don't be scared to tell her how you maybe feel hurt/neglected/annoyed at the way she acted and she has been very inconsiderate/selfish. When you do this do it in a really calm manner, the most important point is indifference. Be indifferent to her reactions - "listen, i'm just explaining how i feel you've been, i thought you had more respect for me. if that's what you want to do it's fine, there's nothing directly wrong with that, i was just looking forward to spending time together and even cancelled plans with my friends". Try not to throw a guilt trip, just accept her decision instead of arguing.

    The reason you do this is because you're handling the situation maturely, most people go against the grain and will continue with the arguement being selfish if you push them. I can recall so many times i've argued over something like this and after an hour or so on the phone i end up just saying "you know what, fine" then getting a call back from her saying she's sorry and realises what i meant.

    So, accept what she says but make her understand why you're annoyed, she will do what she wants i'm sure but so will you and while she's in this freeze out period you should be independant and continue whatever plans you had. Hopefully she will realise how silly she has been and say sorry.

    All you need to say is "it's ok, i felt a bit bad over it but i just want you to try not to be like that ok?"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Steve87 wrote: »
    Another update:

    She's just phoned me, and dumped me there and then, blankly saying "we're finished". Again, no time to say anythig myself, but it all happened so quickly really.

    Even though the writing was probably on the wall, it's still a masiive shock to me,a nd there is obviously a massive gap in my life now by the looks of it.

    Ther's all the advice in the world on how to deal with these things, but I honestly don't think there's any easy way of going through it.

    Why did she dump you? has she given a reason? Seriously, do yourself a favour and just cut contact. Forget talking to her, i really do understand how hard it is but it's the only way you retain respect from someone once they dump you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah i know im not like an adult or anything so i wont know much but i would say dump her because like it seems like shes trying to get you to dump her....
    And you probably deserve better than this.:)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah i know im not like an adult or anything so i wont know much but i would say dump her because like it seems like shes trying to get you to dump her....
    And you probably deserve better than this.:)

    May be worth reading the whole thread before replying - she already broke it off with him.



    :)
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