Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨


Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
i'm not sure if this is in the right place but i just thought it might fit here.

basically im having a really down day, i have an exam later that i haven't revised for because my head is in bits.

my dad died suddenly in january, from a heart attack, completely out of the blue. it has devastated me, my brother, and my mum, but we all pulled together and were strong for the funeral etc. my mum was absolutely brilliant, she kept me going, hardly ever cried because she knew how much it would affect me to see her break down. she was absolutely brilliant. then she went on a holiday that she had booked with my dad, with her friend - everyone thought it would be best for her to go as she has asthma and arthritis, and the hot weather always makes her feel better. so, 3 days into it, she is taken into intensive care with bacterial pnuemonia. completely out of the blue, i thought she was fine. basically it was touch and go for about 4 weeks over in spain, i flew out to be with her, which was the scariest thing of my life, alone in another country, with my mum unable to speak (she had to have a tracheotomy), hooked up to so many tubes. but she pulled through, bless her, she said she wanted to carry on for me and my brother.

we got her home, and after another 4 weeks in hospital in england, she was allowed home. course, as soon as she got home, being so organised and brilliant, she got onto a solicitor, with all the life insurance and money stuff that came with my dad's death. she was getting better, and we went for a really nice meal, and she was feeling tons better, and was so proud of me cuz i was getting all my work done for uni, like dad would've wanted.

then two weeks ago on tuesday, i handed all my work in and was in manchester having a shop round, then was going to go home to see mummy. i got a phone call that day from my brother, he had found my mum collapsed in the bathroom and had rang an ambulance but it was too late, she had died.

it was a heart attack as well. she was so incredibly devoted and in love with my daddy i honestly dont think she could keep going. that is the only thought getting me through at the moment.

now i am trying to deal with everything, solicitor's things, my brother, exams.. and i am a mess. i am angry and upset over the slightest thing, take everything out on my boyfriend, just wanna lie down and cry. i cant believe i dont have parents anymore, 6 months ago i would've laughed if someone said this would happen. i am really trying but im just having such a down day i miss them so much, i dont know who to miss first. i am having a counselling session next friday and i know i dont really need to worry about my exam as i can re-sit, but i just feel overwhelmed and am having a bad day.

i dont know the point of this really i could've wrote it in my livejournal but i guess i wanted a wider range of people to see it, if maybe has anyone gone through a similar experience, or any kind of bereavement and how they coped, or just any advice would be lovely.



  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't have any advice for you because thank God I haven't been through the same thing...but your post really touched me and I wanted to say how truly sorry for you I feel. I can't imagine being without my parents, it must be the most horrid thing in the world to have gone through and it sounds like you're trying to cope with so much....I'm not surprised you're feeling down and like you can't take any more. The good thing is though, from experience I've found that this is definitely the right place to come for advice and support and I know others and mods will be along really soon to help you out as much as they can. I'm sure there are loads of support agencies and networks out there for people going through similar experiences - perhaps have a bit more of a look round TheSite, maybe there are some contact details available on it. I'll have a look for you too and post again if I find anything. Take care of yourself, big hugs to you xx
  • Options
    BunnieBunnie Posts: 6,099 Master Poster
    I have never been in your position, and I cannot begin to imagine how you feel, but you are right, your exams can wait.

    You deal with things in your own time, I am sure your bf understands, but perhaps just send him a message now and tell him how much you love him and are grateful for his support - I know it would mean a lot to me.

    Which exams are you studying for?

    Is there anyone else who could give you a helping hand with the practical things? solicitors, shopping, housework? An auntie or uncle? A close family friend?

    Can I ask how old you and your brother are?
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That made me cry reading that.
    I don't have any advice for you or anything really, just wanted to say that I think you're being really brave and strong and I'm so, so sorry that this has happened to you because nobody deserves this least of all you.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Here you go - an article that could be a good starting point. It has links on the left hand side to a couple of agencies that could help you too.

  • Options
    TashJTashJ Posts: 79 Budding Regular
    Hi Steph,

    It sounds like you've had a horrible year so far and I really feel for you. It's totally understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed, with the loss of your parents, dealing with solicitor, and exams on top of that.

    It sounds like you've been incredibly strong, but it's important to realise that you need to take care of yourself too. The counselling session on Friday sounds like a good step. As is writing down your feelings in a journal (LJ, if that works for you) or posting them here - as you can see from the other messages, we're here to support you.

    If you feel like you need someone to talk to straight away, you also might like to call CRUSE bereavement care on 0844 477 9400 or email them on helpline@cruse.org.uk.

    The BBC Relationships website also has a section on Coping with Grief which you may find useful.

    With all that's going on, it's understandable that you haven't been able to revise for your exam this afternoon. I'm not sure where you're studying, but Nottingham Uni has a pdf guide to bereavement for their students, and you might find some of the information useful to you. You might also be able to get extra support from your tutors, or a student support centre.

    Above all, give yourself time to work through this and be gentle with yourself. Don't beat yourself up about taking things out on your boyfriend, or wanting to lie down and cry (allow yourself to lie down and cry if you think it'll help)... Surround yourself with supportive people - friends, other family members, and please, keep posting here if you have any questions or just want to vent.

    Thinking of you,
  • Options
    JsTJsT Posts: 18,268 Skive's The Limit
    I dont really know what to say, just that I think you are amazing for getting through all this and that I'm thinking of you. You're too fab for this crap to be happening to you :(:heart::heart:
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know what to say but have a virtual hug.

    I think it'd be easier to forget about your exams for now. Surely if you explained to the uni, they'd give you time off, wouldn't they?

    Hope things get better soon. You sound very brave.

    Hugs :heart:
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    im crying after reading that.
    Theres nothing I can say that will make it any easier. It must be such a gaping hole in your life and in your heart, that will only become easier to live with in time.
    Do you have other family or is it just you and your brother? I guess youll really be needing to be there for each other more than ever now.

    Sending you lots of hugs
    Abbie x
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Losing one parent back in december nearly killed me, so to have kept going this far after losing two means you are incredibly strong.

    Uni should definitely after the loss of two parents in such a short time give you time off for the exams, can you get them done at a later date as a first attempt? this is what i'm doing in august.

    My PM box is always open, don't know how much help i'd be but at least I have gone through a little bit of it and can maybe give you a listening ear.

    I also did counselling, this amazing random therapy called EMDR (or possibly EDMR, but i think the ohter one is right) which was odd, but it worked. Google it. Talking to someone disconnected helped me a lot.

    Will try and think of something else later.

    Don't be afraid to ask for hugs when you need it.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My heart goes out to you at this difficult time x
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i love you, and you already know how amazing i think you're being through all this. don't feel bad for having shite days where you want to just lie down and cry, they're going to happen and i think tears are bad for you if they just get all stored up inside. everyone is so here for you, i hate how you are the least person in the world to deserve all this. massive hugs.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First of all *hugs*. You're doing amazingly well to be coping at all with this situation.

    Your university will give you time of for compassion and mitigating circumstances...they may even take into account everything and not make you resit the exams, but give you a grade based on how you've done on coursework throughout the rest of the year before it started, but that's something that only they will be able to decide.

    How old is your brother? It comes across that he's younger than yourself...does he still need a carer or not? Make sure the 2 of you pull together as well. You need the support and love that only he can give at the moment as he does yours. Even if that is just breaking down and crying it all out in front of each other.

    Counselling is a good step forward and I think it will help you a lot.

    Is there no other family that can help you with talking to solicitors and dealing with the estate? I know how scary legal things can seem if you're tackling them on your own and have never had any dealings like that before, so just having someone else with you to take things in that you perhaps will miss through the pain you're feeling may help.

    Your boyfriend will understand how you're feeling and will know you don't mean to push him away like you are. Send him the odd texts appologising and telling him you love him, maybe even let him see this thread, it might help him understand how you're feeling. But take strength from his hugs and kisses and let him help you through this, whether it's just talking things through, letting him be by your side at solicitors and so on.

    I know how hard it was when I lost my Dad and in some ways it felt like I lost my mum as well becuase she cut me out, but I really can't imagine what it would have been like if she was completely taken out of the picture at that time. It does get easier in time and you learn to cope with it, but you'll never forget them and there's rarely a day goes by even 17 years on that I don't think of my Dad with some amount of sadness.

    Try and remember the good times, the times that were full of happiness and love. Remembering the things that you did with each of them seperately and were special between you and them and if possible carry on those things. For example, my dad was a keen stamp collector and had started collections for each of us even before we were born. But that was something that I used to sit down at the weekends with my dad and help him do, so I've carried it on since, whilst I don't do much it's still there when I'm having days that I'm down about it to remind of something that was special to him.

    There's nothing anyone can say really to make it better for you though. Just pass on our words of sympathy and offer a shoulder to cry on if you need it. This site is a great place for coming and writing feelings and getting a broad spectrum of advice and is a good place to start. If you want to PM me about anything then feel free as well.

    Look after yourself and just take each day as it comes. *Hugs again* xx
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh Steph. Petal, everyone sings from the same hymn sheet here and have the best intentions for you.

    You are more than allowed to feel like this for a good while. MORE than allowed. Don't think yourself wrong for being abrupt and cutting with people around you, this is a major shift in your life.

    You have been through so much and still remain one of the sweetest people I know and because of this you'll always have people around. Albeit not your parents, whom probably wish they could still be around for you, but because of how they've raised you with all their affection and guidance you won't be alone through this. Everyone'll want to rally around ASAP because you've done it to them in the past.

    You're not going to be alone at all, I can tell. Take comfort from that if you can. Everyone will do their damndest to be here for you, even me. You know I'm a phonecall away, poodle.

    x x x x x x
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thank you so much everyone for all your messages of support.

    my brother is 18.. bless him, hes doing quite well, he dropped out of college when mum got ill just because he couldn't handle it all, so i think i feel some kind of pressure to carry on and not do the same, though there is obviously no shame in it.

    all my grandparents are dead, my dad was an only child and mum has one brother who lives in america, so its basically just us. my boyfriend has moved in with us and is helping loads, and there are family friends who pop round every night to make sure we're okay and are offering loads of help with the legal stuff, as i have no clue about all that. i'm 21 by the way.

    talked to my tutor a little while ago, she told me not to worry at all about the exam, which has made me feel a bit better, i think it has all just started to hit me though, i just feel like its up to me to sort everything and i feel like i dont have a clue.

    again, thank you to everyone, i do really appreciate the support, and its nice to just be able to spill my guts without feeling like a broken record to those close to me. i know no-one probably would mind if i had a moan, but i just want to make my parents proud and be really strong for my brother and get our lives as normal as possible.

    ps. thought i'd add a picture cuz its cute. i look a bit miserable though. hehe.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're being really strong, well done. But definitely don't feel like you have to do anything, just take your own time to get your head together. I am still crying from reading your first post. Best wishes to you and your brother xxxxxxxxxx
  • Options
    BunnieBunnie Posts: 6,099 Master Poster
    Thats a gorgeous photo Steph, you are being so strong hun, you are amazing.

    Just remember to look out for you and not just your brother.

  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    steph you are such a brave little lady and i love you lots :):heart:
  • Options
    littlemissylittlemissy Posts: 9,972 Supreme Poster
    Oh, sweetie.

    You are such a wonderful, brave, lovely person. I am not going to begin to advise because I just can't. But I will say that I am always there, if you want to let off steam or just for a natter.

    Love you lots xx
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my thoughts are with you stephy, you appear to be coping amazingly well, far better than can be expected, its got to be a really tough time for you.

    it appears there are plenty of people here as well as in your personal life that you can rely on for help.

    i wish you all the best and if theres anything you need just ask!
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really don't know what to say. My dad died in December 2005 although I cannot relate to the death of both parents I just wanted to say that posting on here has helped me a lot and also counselling. Don't be afraid to ask for support and help from your friends and family. I am so sorry for your loss and even though I'm a stranger I really do send best wishes to your family. You will get through this and make your parents so so proud of both you and your brother.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hiya.. i was in tears reading this.. im not usually an emotional person but i dont have any advice for you as i havent been through what you have. but my father had a stroke and heart attack in feb this year and i was in bits about it.
    i just wish you all the best for everything and hope things look up for you. take care chick x
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have no advice but for what its worth your a really strong person to carry all this around with you.

    I hope things pick up for you.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wow, I just came on by chance and read your message and now this, I'm another who is just devastated by what you have gone through and amazed at the strength you're showing (though you may not feel that way, it's true).

    Anyway, I don't really have advice, what can anyone say? I don't know your feelings and can't begin to imagine them but just want to echo the sentiments of all the posters in this thread; that you are very much loved and I'm glad you feel you can be open about your feelings here. It must be so, so hard to suddenly be in the position of worrying about your brother and your studies and not having time to think about your own state of mind. I'm sure your boyfriend understands your being desperately angry and frustrated and sad, sure of it. I hope you get the support you need from him and others around you. It's only a small thing, but anytime you need me I will be there. I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

    Really, anytime you need me. I'm thinking of you Stephy.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

    Big Giant Hugs I can't imagine what your going through but it sounds like your doing amazingly well.

    I am afraid i don't have much advice to give other than massive amounts of thoughts and love to send your way and to say that its alright to feel like crap for a bit and its totally alright to cry and wallow.

    You sound like you have a great support network of friends looking out for you and your brother and though nothing is ever going to make it better must be good to know that so many people care about you.

  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wow, big hugs

    it was hard enough when i lost my dad

    because he died, it made me petrified of losing my mum as well

    i'm always ringing to check she is ok, peeking in on her sleeping if i cant hear her snoring, i am so paranoid it's unreal

    so to think what you must be going through does not bear thinking about

    i know this probably hasnt helped, but nothing i (or anyone for that matter) could say or do would help...words are just words

    just know that people are thinking about you and that your mum and dad must be so proud, and so happy together wherever they may be

    chin up, big hugs xxx
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hiya. sorry im dragging this old thing up but i dint wanna have to re-explain the situation and be boring :)

    anyway just wanting a bit of advice. oh, and i did my exam and it went okay, i got a 2:1 overall for my results this year so i was happy about that.

    anyway life has gone on, as it does. everythings been okay, been just getting to a new life basically. anyway, my brother has gone away on holiday with his friends and his friend's parents (who have been brilliant through all this helping me out with absolutely everything) and theyve been texting me while they've been away, and in one they let me know that chris is having a reasonable time but he's been really down. i just feel bad i wanted him to have a brilliant time to take his mind off things. and i miss him quite a bit which is funny seeing as he does my head right in at home.

    chris has been not that easy to live with, quite unmotivated and unwilling to get out of bed etc., he dropped out of college and has found it really hard to get a job though he has been trying bless him. not to mention the group of 2 or 3 lads that are round literally every night smoking weed. we comprimised and said he could smoke in the conservatory with the fan on and windows open because he was starting to smoke in his room and i think its a bit disgusting inside a house, and i know my parents would've killed him if they were here and he knows that too.

    but as well as that hes just been really down in himself, and the other night after he'd had a drink he cried and hugged me and i was just in shock as he isn't that kind of person really, and i just want to make him better. my boyfriend has been a massive support for me and to be honest without him i don't know what i would've done, i would've wanted to die myself i think. and i just don't want chris to feel on his own but i dont know how to make myself more available for him without him backing off. he is the type to shy away if you force yourself on him but will come to you in time. i dunno, i just dont know what to do about him, i love him to bits and hes worrying me.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's not surprising in away that your brother is a bit down if he's on holiday with a friend and their parents. At times it will bring up reminders of him spending time with your parents which will be hard. That said, it's a great thing that he's gone away and it will be taking his mind off things and I'm sure that some of the time he's having a great time.

    I'm not surprised you miss him, my siblings do my head in when they're at home, yet I miss them when they're away and that's without losing my parents.

    I would have thought the only thing you can do for him is what you are already doing, being there for him, supporting him, and importantly also looking after yourself and trying to make sure you get the support you need. He might not be the talky huggy type, but occasionally it will come through, like when you mention he cried and hugged you and if you're there for him then and don't make a big deal about it he'll know you're there for him.

    To do the best for him, you've also got to look after yourself. Hard as it is try not to spend all your time worrying about him or feeling guilty that you're not doing everything you could. Try and have some fun yourself.

    Big hugs

  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sorry to drag this one up again...

    hi there everyone.

    just thought i'd resurrect this thread rather than re-explain. just wanted some opinions really, and maybe from some of the parents on here?? haha that sounds weird but anyway.

    so my brother chris is now 21 and he's done soooo well. he's been at college for the last 2 years doing his st-levels in theatre studies, film studies and english language, and he's come out with B-B-C which is so fab, he's got into uni at Liverpool John Moores to do Drama :D

    anywho i'm obviously so proud of him, and if you read back to what i've said about him on this thread in the past (in a nutshell he's lazy, untidy, smokes too much weed and has his mates round at all times) he hasn't changed loads, though he does make a big effort to be tidy and clean though we just don't have the same standards, hehe. so i thought all year 'wahooo he's leaving the house!' and was really excited me and my fella will have the place to ourselves, and i'll be able to like wear my PJ's downstairs without fear of having an 19-year-old see me without a bra on. but when his results day came and he knew he was definitely going it was so weird, i was overwhelmingly happy and proud of him but then it hit me - he's leaving me!

    haha, i don't know how parents feel when their kids go off to uni, but i feel like how i imagine they would. literally for the past 3 years i feel like me and matt have raised him in way; before we all lived together he had everything done for him, he didn't know how to do the simplest things. and though i do totally baby/mother him, he's come so far and i just love him so much. god im crying now thinking of him.

    i just have this massive crushing fear that something could happen to him, or he won't be able to cope, and i think i'll just literally miss him. he's like one of my best friends.

    also, i have this really irrational need to tell my mum and dad how well he's done, i know they would be incredibly proud and happy for him, but i just kind of want reassurance that we've been doing okay for the past few years and not just fucking things up? if you get me. and i mean, i believe in god and heaven and so i would like to think they do know that we're doing okay, but chris is a staunch atheist and he was just like 'aw i wish mum and dad could see how we're doing' and it kind of broke my heart a bit.

    basically i think i'm just getting this all off my chest because i honestly hate bringing stuff like this up IRL because what should i say 'hi guys, just wanted to drag the convo down and discuss my dead mum and dad cuz i fancy a good cry'?? like i just feel like a burden if i do that. so i'm burdening all you lot instead! haha.

    do you all think i'm normal to feel a bit like a parent? is that a normal thing to think? i just feel like i want to help him do everything, wrap him up in cotton wool, push him out the door, let him stand on his own, and not let him leave. bit of a mixture of feelings. haha im weird.

    anyway thanks for reading :) please share any opinions or anything you'd like. xxx
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not a parent - but I've had a certain amount to do with the parenting of my baby brother (who's 18, but still my baby brother). If he'd done as well as your brother had then I'd be really proud of him. You should be proud of him, he's done well, you should also be proud of yourself, you've obviously done a brilliant job of supporting him in getting to where he is now. You've done far better than just 'ok' and you're a very long way from having fucked things up.

    If you've had a significant involvement in your brothers development then it's entirely natural that you'll feel like a parent - it would be more weird if you didn't. And like any parent, or sibling, you'll probably miss him when he goes to uni. And you probably won't hear from him as often as you'd like. But that doesn't mean that you won't hear from him at all, and that doesn't mean that you won't see him. Chances are pretty high that he'll come back to yours each holiday, because a lot of students will go back to their family homes and there'll be very few people left around uni. Chances are he might well be up for a weekend back to you, or you visiting him at some point so he's go someone to show off his rooom and new city to.

    Well done you, and well done him.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It is good news to see him do so well. I didnt remember every detail about this thread (and have reread through it) but I did remember some of the background of the situation.

    You should both be proud of what you have achieved, and it is perfectly normal for you to have the feelings you are considering how close you have come to your brother.
Sign In or Register to comment.