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Girl says she likes me but needs time?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey guys here is the situation. My friends invited this girl to my birthday last month. From the getgo we hit it off perfectly. We meet every day, go out for a meal, and lately she has been holding my hand and letting me hold her and give her a peck on the cheek.

Here lies the problem. She recently broke up with her bf who she went out with for 3 weeks on a spur of the moment thing. (She was attracted to him in high school, and the feelings came up). However, he ended up abusing her, and she bailed out.

We have been nothing but honest with one another. She knows I like her, and she has admitted she likes me. She broke up with him a week ago. However, she keeps telling me she needs time to sort out her feelings and that she doesn't want to make the mistake of getting into a relationship too quickly (though she told me I wouldn't be a bad choice?) She also has told me she is trying to distance herself from me because of this. (Though last night we went on long walk holding hands)

So how much time do I give this girl before I should look to move on? It has been 1 week since her break-up, but we have known one another almost a month. I love the girl the death, and I don't mind waiting. But I have been burned waiting so many times ... I just don't know.
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sound like she got into a stupid relationship with someone she didnt know to well and shes looking not to make the same mistake twice! Just give her some time to cool off .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    as much as she wants
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    as much as she wants

    yeah exactly. if you like her enough you'll give her as much time as she wants irrespective of how you feel.
  • TashJTashJ ********* Posts: 79
    Hi pacman,

    I can see how this would be a frustrating situation: you like her, she's admitted that she likes you, you'd like there to be a relationship - and yet she's asking you to give her time and saying that she is trying to distance herself from you while she sorts out her feelings.

    There could be a bit of this:
    Sound like she got into a stupid relationship with someone she didnt know to well and shes looking not to make the same mistake twice!

    Or she could just be feeling a bit down after the break-up, or she could be confused about liking someone else so soon, or any one of a hundred other possibilities - without knowing her there's no way to know for sure.

    As for:
    So how much time do I give this girl before I should look to move on?

    This is really up to you, and how much this girl means to you. Can you be happy just getting to know her in the meantime? It's not possible to say 'in one month' you'll know, or anything like that, as each person's different. However, if she continues to ask you to wait, then you might get to the point when it doesn't seem to be worth it anymore.

    Good luck!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A few more tidbits.

    I knew her bf was abusive before. Here is what I posted about it on another forum I frequent in reference to her past 2 bfs.
    One told her that he was tempted to rape her after an evening together the next day.

    Another one proceeded to continue to take more clothing off than she wanted after she repeatedly told him no. However, she lost her will to fight back, and he took advantage of her.

    She broke down in tears about it last night to me. Her trust of men is nearly non-existent atm. Granted, I am setting myself up for a potentially HUGE fall here, I care so much that I am putting my feelings aside for at least for the moment to help her regain that trust.

    That, and she has told me she likes me, but needs time to think things over. She just broke up with the last bf a little over a week ago( she got into that relationship way too fast), and she is afraid of doing it again.

    The kicker is that she told me she knows I am not that kind of guy, but she just needs the time.

    Man do I find the good women or what?

    In other words...

    1) We don't want a rebound relationship

    2) She needs time to heal from her past bf

    3) We hold hands on walks and she takes her mask off for me. I am ok waiting a bit.

    In other words, she is a completely broken woman, and it just freaking breaks my heart to see her this way. She literally ran away from me a distance last night while we were walking and began crying her eyes out saying "I told him NO! I told him NO!"

    The only thing I could think of doing was cradling my arms around her, and telling her it would be ok, even though honestly, it probably wouldn't. She told me after she is still trying to block it from her head when I asked if she should get councilling over it.

    She told me her goal was to be ok after summer break is over. That could mean I will have to continue to play friend until the middle of August. Which is alright, but it will mean I am probably going to get upset out of selfish frustration a couple of times.

    I was upset last night for that reason I just mentioned and she knew it right away. That is how I got her to open up about her past two bfs.

    Like, I just wish I had met her before she met all of these arseholes, but of course I can't go back. And to be honest, the only think I can really do for her is be with her and try to make her laugh.

    She gives SOOO much back, and the one time she tries to make herself happy with another guy, she gets abused.

    It isn't fair for her, and I am at a complete loss. My heart tells me to just keep waiting, and push aside my personal feelings. Hold her hand in mine and just be a good listener. But man, it isn't easy...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She is lucky to have you... if you can put aside your needs for some time then you may find yourself in the most trusting and loving relationship you can ever wish to find yourself in. However, and I must be strong with this point... if you put the effort in with her and then further down the line betray her in some way, she will struggle to move on.

    As long as your intention is good then I would say help her through this difficult time and enjoy your time together afer.

    I would also say that her goals, as positive as they sound are not necessarily realistic. If somebody took advantage of her then there are no rules as to how long that takes to heal... you just have to decide as to whether you want to be there when she does.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tonight was wonderful. We ended up watching Bladerunner together for one of her classes. I put my hand out, and she held hands with me for most of the movie. We had to keep breaking up though cause my roomates kept coming in and out, lol.

    We later went out and got coffee. We proceeded to then walk around this mall-esque area while still holding hands.

    Eventually we came back to the campus and sat down next to this tree we have begun to frequent. There is a stray cat I have come to name "Tommy" that usually shows, but tonight not so much. We just sat and still held hands talking about everything and anything.

    Eventually I wrapped my arms around her, and she came around and fully embraced her. Something in me told me to kiss her on the cheek. I did, and she just snuggled closer. I kept kissing her on the cheek, until she was resting her head on mine with her eyes shut. (She looked so cute at this point, I really didn't want to leave.)

    So we walked back to the dorm holding hands, cause she was really tired. And now she is back upstairs in her room.

    I am assuming this means things are going ok, even though we are still "friends" ?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have screwed up .... bad. I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. We were watching something together today, and I was hugging her and whatnot. She said she felt tired, so I walked her out. (I got her flowers because she was not feeling well.)

    She went back up to the dorm, and we were talking about something ... basically along the lines of the things I was doing ... reminded her of what her ex did. I got really really, upset with myself, and told her I was going to go do something else. She wrote this while I was away.

    well ok then
    I'll keep typing and you can read it later
    I blame myself
    for letting you get so attached
    when I knew I was going to have issues
    but I didnt know what to say
    its like I'm not uncomfortable, but I'm not comfortable either
    I was afraid to say something because I knew you'd feel bad and/or try to blame yourself
    which is not what I want
    it really isnt your fault
    and if I hadn't been so backed into a corner with him
    I might not get that uncomfortable backed-into-a-corner feeling
    because nothing youre doing is wrong
    I just cant respond to it right
    and I'm really sorry
    for not trying to explain it sooner
    but I didnt know how
    well
    now I'm mad at myself for saying anything
    but I cant really change it now
    I guess I'll ttyl


    I came back and she was gone. I wrote this back and am waiting a reply. I haven't re-read what I am going to post below this, but it is probably pretty emotionally charged.

    no, i figured all of these things in the back of my head
    why I am
    is because I was a complete asshole, and kept getting closer
    because, I have just been lonely for like forever
    and, I am just fucking terrible at holding back
    I tell you one thing
    and next thing I know, I am right back to giving you a hug
    I know what that disgruntled noise you make is
    i think i did at least in the back of my head
    but, it just angers me so much
    that i can't just keep my hands to myself
    I can't leave you alone
    I am the worst guy of all
    because when you just need a friend most
    I am just a complete asshole and just can't hold back
    I love you with all of my heart, and I know you are still devastated over eddie
    and I am a person
    who usually can come up with help
    for any problem
    but, I can't do anything to help you at all
    and it just ...frustrates me
    past any frustration I have ever known in my life
    frustration about the fact you got hurt and I couldn't be there for you
    frustration that I can't seem to control myself for even a few hurs
    *hours
    and frustration at myself
    because for the first time in my life where I find a girl I know is the girl I really care about
    and after waiting so long to find you
    I can't even fucking wait the short amount of time
    to maybe eventually be with you
    in light of the fact I have been waiting so fucking long
    agh, none of this came out right at all
    I fell in love with you the first night we talked
    the night we talked in the hall into 3am
    *until
    the first time i rode with you to gp and drank coffee in starbucks
    every part of me years
    *yearns
    to just hold you and drive all of this bullshit you had to deal with
    and the emotional scarring you have unfairly had to have
    both as a child, and as a young woman now
    but I know that is wrong
    the last thing I need to do
    is be touchy with you
    and remind you everything of eddie
    the problem is the nicest guys are often the most dangerous
    and i consider myself a nice guy...
    yet..
    i dont know how to express myself to you other than giving you a hug, or holding your hand
    because I am awful at words
    ... god I love you so much
    and at the same time
    I know I can't love you like that now
    because it is both unfair to you and me
    it raises expectations that you and I know can't be fufilled
    yet, I just can't dismiss how much I love you
    even though as much as it makes sense in my head to hold back as hard as I can
    my damn heart decides to change things the other way
    and this all just shows
    how I say one thing, and just do the god damn opposite
    no matter how I try
    it
    's the god damn opposite
    and it is hurting you
    and the last thing I want to do
    is hurt you anymore
    ...i dunno
    it might be unfair
    that we hang out so much
    as much as it is going to hurt me
    to not see you everyday
    in fact, I will probably feel like shit to be honest 
    not seeing me daily might give you the time you need to sort out things
    rather than have me continue to perpetuate
    these feelings about eddie
    well
    this wasn't at all I would have liked to say it
    ...but I will be back later





    I feel like I want to die I feel so bad right now. I have betrayed her, and now that I know she has been REALLY feeling like this... God, I feel terrible for her, I have just completed f*(&%ed up beyond all belief.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The weather outside is super bad. She had an away message saying she was going to go driving to think, regardless of the weather. As soon as I saw the message, I dead-sprinted to the parking garage and sat against her car. Thank god she did not decide to come.

    I was prepared for her to hate me the rest of my life rather than let her drive in that weather. She texted me she wouldn't and that I should come back before it got worse. I asked her to promise.Her answer was "I don't want to walk in that weather"

    I am so lost, upset, angry, and disheartened at the moment, I am having a hard time even knowing what to do...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She lied to me. I ran through heavy rain and lightening to the parking garage and her car was gone. I started really freaking out. I get a late text telling me to dont bother running she parked somewhere else. And that she was at the meeting I was missing to frantically find her.

    I texted her and told her how upset I was and how dare she risk her life like that. She just told me she was sorry again, but I had left her no choice.

    If anyone has advice, I would REALLY appreciate it now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well talked to her for a few hours. She says she is completely broken, and that she has to rebuild herself on her own. I told her she doesn't have to do it alone, but she says she must do it alone.

    She says she is fiercely independent. She asks whether she has dealt with enough. (abusive parents, 2 abusive boyfriends)

    I told her I am willing to wait, but she tells me she can't make me do that.

    She said she initially thought she liked me, but now doubts are coming in that she might have just pitied me.

    I don't know what to do, I am completely lost.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We agreed to take it one step back in the morning. I mean, it sucks but if that is what makes her comfortable it is fine. Doubt is beginning to creep into my mind whether I will be able to win her over, but in the short term, that is no longer an option at this point.

    I will know if I really love her if we can pull through everything she is going through. I am just afraid I am going to creep so far into the friend's zone with her, she will never reciprocate my feelings.

    But I guess I can take from this the knowledge I helped another person rebuild. And I think in the end that is reward enough.

    I must let happiness come to me like a butterfly, instead of a wasteful chase.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mate,I dont mean to sound harsh here but it seemed to me you just became her therapist,someone to lock onto until she found elsewhere to go.
    Realistically,if her favourite actor,rockstar came after her would she tell them she needs time?
    My advice is to move on,get some distance from her and go and find some new girls.
    Its not your job to look after her or sort her problems out.
    Best of luck.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree. From all your posts above it sounds like you are already in way too deep and even if something does happen between you two now, it wouldn't be healthy for either of you. She needs to sort her head out and for that to happen she needs space and time...which is obviously not what you want. I would just leave her be and try to move on. I know it's hard when you really like someone but this already seems way too tangled and I can't see it working out in a way that's going to make you happy.
    ETA: Can I ask how old you both are?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm 19 she is 18.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just move on now, trust me. I've been in relationships where you have to play the counsellor part and it will end up completely one way. It builds a relationship around one person needing support and one person wanting to give support which can never work because it's not two way.

    I would still be friends but just give up on the relationship aspect for now. Maybe in the distant future after you've dated other people or whatever things will just happen when she's in a better place.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To be honest, I don't know if I am even ready for a relationship at this point, I think I need to cool too.

    Thank you for the help guys.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We talked for 20 minutes today on aim. But it felt really hollow. I guess it will be this way for a while now that I know how broken she really was, and how I was exacerbating the situation.

    Not feeling too great right now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ok I have made the decision not to promise I will remain single while I wait. It was honestly selfish on my part because it probably is putting pressure on her still. I sent her a text about it, I will have a chance to talk to her tonight about it.

    It is probably the best decision for my sanity and hers.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Update:

    She has been getting better. Tonight I found out she has had a crush on one of my roomates the entire semester, even before she made this mistake with another guy. I pretty much convinced her to try with this guy. So much that I told her I am willing to throw him hints and be less physical with her when she is around.

    I genuinly care for her, and want her to be happy. She thinks I might be too far down the friends road now, but she says she doesn't know.

    Why do I feel so terrible?

    edit: Not to beg, but I don't even know what to think at this point, I could really use some advice. :)

    I think.... I need to go on this date with this other chick I got Thursday.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    because even if you do care for her and want her to be happy, you'd much prefer for her to be happy with you. For your own sake I wouldn't get involved with anything that goes on between her and your roommate, it'll just be shit for you. And tbh, I don't think it sounds all that great of her to do this with you and then go for your roommate...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well she doesn't care about him that much apparently.

    And now she is talking about this 22 year old she has gotten the flutter since October. God it really hurts.

    And now she told me how she wasn't ready ready for me to pursue when I did.

    I told her "Yea I probably scared you off for forever"

    and she said

    idk
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    pacman326 wrote: »
    Well she doesn't care about him that much apparently.

    And now she is talking about this 22 year old she has gotten the flutter since October. God it really hurts.

    And now she told me how she wasn't ready ready for me to pursue when I did.

    I told her "Yea I probably scared you off for forever"

    and she said

    idk

    Mate - I'd walk away from this girl completely. She sounds like a bit of a 'mare and you'll just become her emotional crutch again... and again... and again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well I finally got her to get professional help today. She has an appointment tomorrow with the school counsellor.

    I think the best move at the point I could make is to make sure I am a very very distance but available presence for her. It is going to be hard, but not as hard as the things she apparently is going through.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there, you did very well to make her understand she needed to seek counseling and hopefully this will help her a lot and you won't have to feel responsible for her all the time. You need to try and get your own life back and let her fix hers, if not she might resent you for some reason and feel you are pushing her - you are much better off leaving her to get better and in the end things will pay off for both of you - together or separately.

    You have been a great friend to her and she will be very is grateful, yet now is the time for you to rebuild your life without her problems getting in the way. Good luck.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    just give her time... if you really love her, you can surely wait for a long time. Obviously, the girl likes you. She's just making sure of herself that when she commits herself unto you that she is physically and emotionally ready. give her some time. i know she would really appreciate that. but in the process make sure that you were always there by her side no matter what her decisions are...

    Oh by the way, in case you want to watch a funny video on love, here's a link : http://preacherinbluejeans.com/video...c-5-2006-.html. The funny part starts around 3mins into the intro. It's bo sanchez, author of How To Find Your One True Love.

    Anna
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ultradust wrote: »
    just give her time... if you really love her, you can surely wait for a long time. Obviously, the girl likes you. She's just making sure of herself that when she commits herself unto you that she is physically and emotionally ready. give her some time. i know she would really appreciate that. but in the process make sure that you were always there by her side no matter what her decisions are...

    Oh by the way, in case you want to watch a funny video on love, here's a link : http://preacherinbluejeans.com/video...c-5-2006-.html. The funny part starts around 3mins into the intro. It's bo sanchez, author of How To Find Your One True Love.

    Anna

    I really do love her. But the fact that she is now talking about other love interests she has including this 22 year old guitar player in a band who "understands" her poetic side makes me think she is just content using me as someone to unload her problems on as a friend.

    ...sigh

    As selfish as this sounds, it really hurts now that she has started doing that to me. Especially when she keeps hinting at me I might have come too late into her life, which I think is a complete bullsh8& excuse. Maybe she is mentioning these guys to see how steadfast I am, who knows.

    But yea, I really need to control my emotions better about this. Otherwise, I am never going to have the patience to wait to see if her next bf is me or that 22 year old guy.

    Ironically enough she says her next bf really needs to know what they are getting into. Yes, she told me that knowing full well I am the only guy that has some idea of what she is going through...

    I have to stop worrying about this... I have to stop worrying about this...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just forget her and walk away.
    Cut all contacts with her and leave it.
    She is using you,teasing you and making you feel like shit.
    She knows how much you like her yet keeps on stringing you on like a little lapdog talking about other guys she wants to bang and your sitting there and taking it.
    You really think shes doing all this because shes got some issues?:no:
    No,she loves the attention and its a power trip for her too,having someone hang on her every word and always being there and bowing to her.
    Get rid of her and let her sort herself out.Only then can you sort yourself out,stop being tortured by her and do much better.
    Trust me,it wont work out at all in the end and believe me it will hurt you all the more if it carries on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I only read the first post but to me it sounds like she doesn't fancy you but likes being your friend and likes the attention and comfort that you bring her. She's just giving crap excuses about not wanting to make mistakes..if she actually fancied/liked you she wouldn't be making excuses like that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Read all the posts. She does have problems, she is talking to me right now about what the psychologist told her.
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