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Girl says she likes me but needs time?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey guys here is the situation. My friends invited this girl to my birthday last month. From the getgo we hit it off perfectly. We meet every day, go out for a meal, and lately she has been holding my hand and letting me hold her and give her a peck on the cheek.
Here lies the problem. She recently broke up with her bf who she went out with for 3 weeks on a spur of the moment thing. (She was attracted to him in high school, and the feelings came up). However, he ended up abusing her, and she bailed out.
We have been nothing but honest with one another. She knows I like her, and she has admitted she likes me. She broke up with him a week ago. However, she keeps telling me she needs time to sort out her feelings and that she doesn't want to make the mistake of getting into a relationship too quickly (though she told me I wouldn't be a bad choice?) She also has told me she is trying to distance herself from me because of this. (Though last night we went on long walk holding hands)
So how much time do I give this girl before I should look to move on? It has been 1 week since her break-up, but we have known one another almost a month. I love the girl the death, and I don't mind waiting. But I have been burned waiting so many times ... I just don't know.
Here lies the problem. She recently broke up with her bf who she went out with for 3 weeks on a spur of the moment thing. (She was attracted to him in high school, and the feelings came up). However, he ended up abusing her, and she bailed out.
We have been nothing but honest with one another. She knows I like her, and she has admitted she likes me. She broke up with him a week ago. However, she keeps telling me she needs time to sort out her feelings and that she doesn't want to make the mistake of getting into a relationship too quickly (though she told me I wouldn't be a bad choice?) She also has told me she is trying to distance herself from me because of this. (Though last night we went on long walk holding hands)
So how much time do I give this girl before I should look to move on? It has been 1 week since her break-up, but we have known one another almost a month. I love the girl the death, and I don't mind waiting. But I have been burned waiting so many times ... I just don't know.
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yeah exactly. if you like her enough you'll give her as much time as she wants irrespective of how you feel.
I can see how this would be a frustrating situation: you like her, she's admitted that she likes you, you'd like there to be a relationship - and yet she's asking you to give her time and saying that she is trying to distance herself from you while she sorts out her feelings.
There could be a bit of this:
Or she could just be feeling a bit down after the break-up, or she could be confused about liking someone else so soon, or any one of a hundred other possibilities - without knowing her there's no way to know for sure.
As for:
This is really up to you, and how much this girl means to you. Can you be happy just getting to know her in the meantime? It's not possible to say 'in one month' you'll know, or anything like that, as each person's different. However, if she continues to ask you to wait, then you might get to the point when it doesn't seem to be worth it anymore.
Good luck!
I knew her bf was abusive before. Here is what I posted about it on another forum I frequent in reference to her past 2 bfs.
In other words, she is a completely broken woman, and it just freaking breaks my heart to see her this way. She literally ran away from me a distance last night while we were walking and began crying her eyes out saying "I told him NO! I told him NO!"
The only thing I could think of doing was cradling my arms around her, and telling her it would be ok, even though honestly, it probably wouldn't. She told me after she is still trying to block it from her head when I asked if she should get councilling over it.
She told me her goal was to be ok after summer break is over. That could mean I will have to continue to play friend until the middle of August. Which is alright, but it will mean I am probably going to get upset out of selfish frustration a couple of times.
I was upset last night for that reason I just mentioned and she knew it right away. That is how I got her to open up about her past two bfs.
Like, I just wish I had met her before she met all of these arseholes, but of course I can't go back. And to be honest, the only think I can really do for her is be with her and try to make her laugh.
She gives SOOO much back, and the one time she tries to make herself happy with another guy, she gets abused.
It isn't fair for her, and I am at a complete loss. My heart tells me to just keep waiting, and push aside my personal feelings. Hold her hand in mine and just be a good listener. But man, it isn't easy...
As long as your intention is good then I would say help her through this difficult time and enjoy your time together afer.
I would also say that her goals, as positive as they sound are not necessarily realistic. If somebody took advantage of her then there are no rules as to how long that takes to heal... you just have to decide as to whether you want to be there when she does.
We later went out and got coffee. We proceeded to then walk around this mall-esque area while still holding hands.
Eventually we came back to the campus and sat down next to this tree we have begun to frequent. There is a stray cat I have come to name "Tommy" that usually shows, but tonight not so much. We just sat and still held hands talking about everything and anything.
Eventually I wrapped my arms around her, and she came around and fully embraced her. Something in me told me to kiss her on the cheek. I did, and she just snuggled closer. I kept kissing her on the cheek, until she was resting her head on mine with her eyes shut. (She looked so cute at this point, I really didn't want to leave.)
So we walked back to the dorm holding hands, cause she was really tired. And now she is back upstairs in her room.
I am assuming this means things are going ok, even though we are still "friends" ?
She went back up to the dorm, and we were talking about something ... basically along the lines of the things I was doing ... reminded her of what her ex did. I got really really, upset with myself, and told her I was going to go do something else. She wrote this while I was away.
well ok then
I'll keep typing and you can read it later
I blame myself
for letting you get so attached
when I knew I was going to have issues
but I didnt know what to say
its like I'm not uncomfortable, but I'm not comfortable either
I was afraid to say something because I knew you'd feel bad and/or try to blame yourself
which is not what I want
it really isnt your fault
and if I hadn't been so backed into a corner with him
I might not get that uncomfortable backed-into-a-corner feeling
because nothing youre doing is wrong
I just cant respond to it right
and I'm really sorry
for not trying to explain it sooner
but I didnt know how
well
now I'm mad at myself for saying anything
but I cant really change it now
I guess I'll ttyl
I came back and she was gone. I wrote this back and am waiting a reply. I haven't re-read what I am going to post below this, but it is probably pretty emotionally charged.
no, i figured all of these things in the back of my head
why I am
is because I was a complete asshole, and kept getting closer
because, I have just been lonely for like forever
and, I am just fucking terrible at holding back
I tell you one thing
and next thing I know, I am right back to giving you a hug
I know what that disgruntled noise you make is
i think i did at least in the back of my head
but, it just angers me so much
that i can't just keep my hands to myself
I can't leave you alone
I am the worst guy of all
because when you just need a friend most
I am just a complete asshole and just can't hold back
I love you with all of my heart, and I know you are still devastated over eddie
and I am a person
who usually can come up with help
for any problem
but, I can't do anything to help you at all
and it just ...frustrates me
past any frustration I have ever known in my life
frustration about the fact you got hurt and I couldn't be there for you
frustration that I can't seem to control myself for even a few hurs
*hours
and frustration at myself
because for the first time in my life where I find a girl I know is the girl I really care about
and after waiting so long to find you
I can't even fucking wait the short amount of time
to maybe eventually be with you
in light of the fact I have been waiting so fucking long
agh, none of this came out right at all
I fell in love with you the first night we talked
the night we talked in the hall into 3am
*until
the first time i rode with you to gp and drank coffee in starbucks
every part of me years
*yearns
to just hold you and drive all of this bullshit you had to deal with
and the emotional scarring you have unfairly had to have
both as a child, and as a young woman now
but I know that is wrong
the last thing I need to do
is be touchy with you
and remind you everything of eddie
the problem is the nicest guys are often the most dangerous
and i consider myself a nice guy...
yet..
i dont know how to express myself to you other than giving you a hug, or holding your hand
because I am awful at words
... god I love you so much
and at the same time
I know I can't love you like that now
because it is both unfair to you and me
it raises expectations that you and I know can't be fufilled
yet, I just can't dismiss how much I love you
even though as much as it makes sense in my head to hold back as hard as I can
my damn heart decides to change things the other way
and this all just shows
how I say one thing, and just do the god damn opposite
no matter how I try
it
's the god damn opposite
and it is hurting you
and the last thing I want to do
is hurt you anymore
...i dunno
it might be unfair
that we hang out so much
as much as it is going to hurt me
to not see you everyday
in fact, I will probably feel like shit to be honest 
not seeing me daily might give you the time you need to sort out things
rather than have me continue to perpetuate
these feelings about eddie
well
this wasn't at all I would have liked to say it
...but I will be back later
I feel like I want to die I feel so bad right now. I have betrayed her, and now that I know she has been REALLY feeling like this... God, I feel terrible for her, I have just completed f*(&%ed up beyond all belief.
I was prepared for her to hate me the rest of my life rather than let her drive in that weather. She texted me she wouldn't and that I should come back before it got worse. I asked her to promise.Her answer was "I don't want to walk in that weather"
I am so lost, upset, angry, and disheartened at the moment, I am having a hard time even knowing what to do...
I texted her and told her how upset I was and how dare she risk her life like that. She just told me she was sorry again, but I had left her no choice.
If anyone has advice, I would REALLY appreciate it now.
She says she is fiercely independent. She asks whether she has dealt with enough. (abusive parents, 2 abusive boyfriends)
I told her I am willing to wait, but she tells me she can't make me do that.
She said she initially thought she liked me, but now doubts are coming in that she might have just pitied me.
I don't know what to do, I am completely lost.
I will know if I really love her if we can pull through everything she is going through. I am just afraid I am going to creep so far into the friend's zone with her, she will never reciprocate my feelings.
But I guess I can take from this the knowledge I helped another person rebuild. And I think in the end that is reward enough.
I must let happiness come to me like a butterfly, instead of a wasteful chase.
Realistically,if her favourite actor,rockstar came after her would she tell them she needs time?
My advice is to move on,get some distance from her and go and find some new girls.
Its not your job to look after her or sort her problems out.
Best of luck.
ETA: Can I ask how old you both are?
I would still be friends but just give up on the relationship aspect for now. Maybe in the distant future after you've dated other people or whatever things will just happen when she's in a better place.
Thank you for the help guys.
Not feeling too great right now.
It is probably the best decision for my sanity and hers.
She has been getting better. Tonight I found out she has had a crush on one of my roomates the entire semester, even before she made this mistake with another guy. I pretty much convinced her to try with this guy. So much that I told her I am willing to throw him hints and be less physical with her when she is around.
I genuinly care for her, and want her to be happy. She thinks I might be too far down the friends road now, but she says she doesn't know.
Why do I feel so terrible?
edit: Not to beg, but I don't even know what to think at this point, I could really use some advice.
I think.... I need to go on this date with this other chick I got Thursday.
And now she is talking about this 22 year old she has gotten the flutter since October. God it really hurts.
And now she told me how she wasn't ready ready for me to pursue when I did.
I told her "Yea I probably scared you off for forever"
and she said
idk
Mate - I'd walk away from this girl completely. She sounds like a bit of a 'mare and you'll just become her emotional crutch again... and again... and again.
I think the best move at the point I could make is to make sure I am a very very distance but available presence for her. It is going to be hard, but not as hard as the things she apparently is going through.
You have been a great friend to her and she will be very is grateful, yet now is the time for you to rebuild your life without her problems getting in the way. Good luck.
Oh by the way, in case you want to watch a funny video on love, here's a link : http://preacherinbluejeans.com/video...c-5-2006-.html. The funny part starts around 3mins into the intro. It's bo sanchez, author of How To Find Your One True Love.
Anna
I really do love her. But the fact that she is now talking about other love interests she has including this 22 year old guitar player in a band who "understands" her poetic side makes me think she is just content using me as someone to unload her problems on as a friend.
...sigh
As selfish as this sounds, it really hurts now that she has started doing that to me. Especially when she keeps hinting at me I might have come too late into her life, which I think is a complete bullsh8& excuse. Maybe she is mentioning these guys to see how steadfast I am, who knows.
But yea, I really need to control my emotions better about this. Otherwise, I am never going to have the patience to wait to see if her next bf is me or that 22 year old guy.
Ironically enough she says her next bf really needs to know what they are getting into. Yes, she told me that knowing full well I am the only guy that has some idea of what she is going through...
I have to stop worrying about this... I have to stop worrying about this...
Cut all contacts with her and leave it.
She is using you,teasing you and making you feel like shit.
She knows how much you like her yet keeps on stringing you on like a little lapdog talking about other guys she wants to bang and your sitting there and taking it.
You really think shes doing all this because shes got some issues?:no:
No,she loves the attention and its a power trip for her too,having someone hang on her every word and always being there and bowing to her.
Get rid of her and let her sort herself out.Only then can you sort yourself out,stop being tortured by her and do much better.
Trust me,it wont work out at all in the end and believe me it will hurt you all the more if it carries on.