My mum is dying and I feel helpless

Former Member

My mum's basically on her deathbed at the moment. She's nearly died many a time from various health issues. But at the moment she's in intensive care receiving treatment for possible kidney failure and chronic obstructive lung disorder. And I can't even go and be with her because she's all the way over in Thailand.

My brother is flying over tomorrow with his family because he's his own boss and he can drop everything to go and be with my dad. He's a very matter of fact person and my sister's argument is that this is what my dad needs rather than me and her being emotional wrecks during this obviously very difficult time.

I've been told under no circumstances to fly over or anything and to leave everything to my brother as it will make no difference and I have to concentrate on my last year of my degree and my dissertation.

I just feel so fucking helpless. I last saw my mum just less than a month ago and I remember the last thing I said to her was "Please, please look after yourself. I want to see you back in this country in May (When my parents are due to return)" and she said she'd try.

I can't even talk to her on the phone because she's been rendered speechless by the machine helping her to breathe and they don't have any phones in there or anything.

I'm trying to keep busy, I'm trying to justify not dumping everything and rushing out there but I just can't help but think about I'm never going to see her again or speak to her.

My heart is breaking and I just don't know what to do. My friends are being great but I just feel so fucking helpless.

Former Member

oh my gosh, what a horrible difficult time for you
I cant imagine how difficult this must be.
Who is it who has said under no circumstance to go over there?

Former Member

How rubbish for you

Do you live near your brother? If you aren't able go out there, maybe he could take something out from you, a letter (if she can read), or a message or something?

Former Member

My dad, sister and brother have all said I'm not to. And my brother's on his way to the airport now so I can't even do that. It's so pants

Thanks guys

Former Member

StarCrossed, if you want to go then go. Please don't let anyone stop you. I've been through it all (parent being ill and such) and know it's tough. The University will understand, and so should your family. However, having said that maybe it's better for you to be in familiar surroundings with people around you.

Let the University know your mum is ill, they will take a note of it in case of anything (like you need to take a leave of absence or whatever) - at least then you don't have to worry about anything else except yourself if they understand the situation. I did try to cope and get on but my grades dropped dramatically.

My thoughts are with you x

Former Member

This is absolutely awful. I would go, at a time like this I'd want to be there. It's your Mum, for God's sake. I'd be besides myself with grief if I wasn't able to be there for my Mum.

My Mum was sleeping but in the same house as my nana when she died. She was so upset she wasn't even able to be in the same room as she passed. I wouldn't care whether your Dad told you to go or not. Your Dad has to know you must be out of your mind, he can't just use your brother as a pillar of strength, your brother needs someone too.

I would definitely go against the grain and do everything in your power and go, whatever you have here whether it's work/uni and such can make allowances for you in this tragic time.

Get a plane ticket ASAP. You know you'd want your Mum here if it were roles reversed. Good luck and my condolonces. x

Former Member

I'm so sorry, I really don't know what else to say.

I know I would want to go, but maybe there is sense in what's being said. I don't know, the bottom line is that it's your decision. If you need to go then you should go.

Thinking of you.

Former Member

Thanks SB, I spoke to my tutors and they've said that if I need to I can go over but it will kind of affect my grade as such because our project is to run the paper and we are graded by how many pieces of work we get published each week. They said as long as I can get on the internet and have a phone it would be OK. But I know my mum wouldn't want to me to drop everything. Meh... so confused.

Former Member

id go as well, even if others had told me not to, although id do my best to keep out of their way and not be a burden on them while i was there if they really didnt want me to be there. Id explain to them that I really needed to say my last goodbyes and i needed to do this for me.
It might not be in THEIR best interests for you to go, but you have to think of how this is going to affect you if you dont manage to do this.

Former Member

I think they're trying to stop me as well because my sister can't afford to fly out or drop everything to go. She's got three kids one who's about to start his GCSEs and a full-time job. She's not seen her in over two years whereas I saw her less than a month ago. I think in a way it wouldn't be fair as such.

But I'm thinking about it. I'm not going to fly off just yet give it a day or so and see what's happening and assess the situation from there. I just wish I could speak to her.

Former Member

Personally, I don't know if I would go. I mean, it's weird. Im glad I got to say a last goodbye to my dad, but I didn't like seeing him in that condition. At least for my dad he wasn't comfortable at all and it's difficult to watch. (Though he was unconcious on pills so he wasn't aware the doctors said)

I don't think I'd travel to a different country without any people I can rely on. Afterall - should the worst happen then you'll be able to say goodbye to her here. But it's up to you and it's your decision. But you're probably right when you say your mum wouldn't want you to jeopordise all your hard work at university.

Sorry, I wish there was something more comforting I could say - I hope I've not come across as insensitive. *big hugs* take it easy no matter what though, try and eliminate any unneccesary stresses (projects and such) for the time being so you can concentrate on looking after yourself

Former Member

You guys are great. That's what my sister said that the last time I saw her my mum was sad (because I was leaving) but she was healthier and smiling. I got big cuddles and kisses and I don't think seeing her with tubes sticking out of her would be very good. I dunno it's just hard, maybe it's not the fact that I don't get to see her the last time but more the actual fact I may never see her again or speak to her again that's hitting me. I'm not sure. It's so difficult. I've been preparing for this for like ten years now, she's nearly died about 10 times in that time but this time it's like... really it. It's so hard.

Former Member

im so sorry you are in this situation it must be horrible for you. I just wanted to say that although you really really want to be with her there is some sense in not going, im so grateful i wasnt allowed to see my sister after she died because now i can still remember her as she was last time i saw her. If you decide you need to see her though dont put it off because you think it would be unfair on your sister because its not something you're going to be able to change later you've got to do whats right for you not what everyone else is telling you to.
Take care of yourself and if your at univeristy you might want to see if theres a counselling service availiable they might be able to help you through this.

Former Member

If you really want to go then I think you should go. You can decide when you get there if it will be too upsetting to see her by speaking to the docs. When my dad was dying (about an hour or so away from where I live) I was adament I wanted to go. I know my aunt didn't want me to be there but I think grief blinds some people and they sometimes react in basic accordance with their needs at the time. Anywho I didn't make it to see my dad because he died before I got there. My biggest regret is not being there for him when he died. I think even if I was in the next room I would have felt better. Just being close by and knowing I think won't make you feel as helpless. I hope you get to do what you want to do. Sending hugs.

**helen**

Hey Starcrossed,
This is such hard news and I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through right now.

You clearly have a very strong head on your shoulders and you've thought really long and carefully about the issues you're facing. We can't admire you enough for that.

I think it's important that you let people look after you though - and regardless of what you decide about whether to visit or not - it's probably really important that you are around folk who you can really trust. I also wondered whether or not you've actually spoken to your Dad? Would it help you at all to hear from him do you think?

Anyhow, keep posting and letting us know how you're doing x

Former Member

I was recently in this situation myself. Although I was only four hours by car away from my dad, it's still similar. He was hospitalised and, as you've said, didn't want me giving up on my final year at uni and everything like that, but for my own sanity I had to go to see him. It did me a hell of a lot of good to see him and put my mind at rest. Then when the docs said he was dying I also upped and left to see him, and am incredibly glad that I did.

Yes, it isn't nice to see someone you love so much ill, but I also saw my sister's reaction as she was too late to come and say goodbye. If you do not go make sure it is because it is your decision and noone elses. Grief is a very personal and in many ways selfish thing, but IMHO if you are not allowed to do what you want to do, you may well have a hard time with closure afterwards.

As for university- mine have been very understanding, and I will also get special consideration. It can also be good to have something to concentrate on, but your uni should let you have a lot of leeway with something as big as this. And another heads up for the counselling service. I have a wonderful network of supportive friends and people, but there are many times that I do not want to put them under the pressure of my feelings and experiences. I've only been to one counselling session so far but I can sense a change, so it can do no harm to try it out.

Good luck. If you need anything else PM me

Former Member

Thanks guys, your advice has been fantastic. My sister's broken and decided that she's going to call dad and see what the situation is and is going to get us tickets to go over as soon as.

She said to me on the phone that it's all very well and good being sensible and logical about it but at the end of the day logic and stuff don't really make up for emotions. So I'm feeling better about it now.

My brother's already on a flight over at the moment with his family. I feel bad for my sister though because her husband's dad is also on his deathbed as well and they are going to have some trouble with their three kids (two are at boarding school and have no idea what's going on at the moment).

Just going to have to wait for her to call me and give me the score. I'm going to try and get in touch with my tutor as soon as possible and explain the situation. He's my dissertation tutor as well so hopefully we'll be able to work out something so my grades don't suffer too badly.

My friends are being fantastic and I know all they can really say to me is sorry but they've been doing me a world of good. Little things like putting funny youtube videos on my facebook for me to watch and just to distract me. I'll keep you guys informed and let you know what happens.

XXX

littlemissy

I am glad you have decided to go over. I am sure that if you didn't then you would regret it always.

I have no words of advice but I really hope that during this time you also make sure that you look after yourself.

Thinking of you lots xx

Former Member

I think you have made the right decision. Without meaning to be cruel, you do not want to end up in a situation in a few months time when you just think "what if?".

Former Member

It's great that you're able to go. My mum was in a similar situation a few years back, as she was in switzerland and her dad was dying in india. She didn't go, and I don't think she's ever forgiven herself. She says that if she had at least tried harder to get tickets, she might feel better about herself.--though I remember that we tried every possible way to get them. I think that you made the right descision, try not to feel guilty, no matter what happens. It's up to you in the end, what you feel you must do.

Be strong, I'll be thinking of you.