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My mum is dying and I feel helpless
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My mum's basically on her deathbed at the moment. She's nearly died many a time from various health issues. But at the moment she's in intensive care receiving treatment for possible kidney failure and chronic obstructive lung disorder. And I can't even go and be with her because she's all the way over in Thailand.
My brother is flying over tomorrow with his family because he's his own boss and he can drop everything to go and be with my dad. He's a very matter of fact person and my sister's argument is that this is what my dad needs rather than me and her being emotional wrecks during this obviously very difficult time.
I've been told under no circumstances to fly over or anything and to leave everything to my brother as it will make no difference and I have to concentrate on my last year of my degree and my dissertation.
I just feel so fucking helpless. I last saw my mum just less than a month ago and I remember the last thing I said to her was "Please, please look after yourself. I want to see you back in this country in May (When my parents are due to return)" and she said she'd try.
I can't even talk to her on the phone because she's been rendered speechless by the machine helping her to breathe and they don't have any phones in there or anything.
I'm trying to keep busy, I'm trying to justify not dumping everything and rushing out there but I just can't help but think about I'm never going to see her again or speak to her.
My heart is breaking and I just don't know what to do. My friends are being great but I just feel so fucking helpless.
My brother is flying over tomorrow with his family because he's his own boss and he can drop everything to go and be with my dad. He's a very matter of fact person and my sister's argument is that this is what my dad needs rather than me and her being emotional wrecks during this obviously very difficult time.
I've been told under no circumstances to fly over or anything and to leave everything to my brother as it will make no difference and I have to concentrate on my last year of my degree and my dissertation.
I just feel so fucking helpless. I last saw my mum just less than a month ago and I remember the last thing I said to her was "Please, please look after yourself. I want to see you back in this country in May (When my parents are due to return)" and she said she'd try.
I can't even talk to her on the phone because she's been rendered speechless by the machine helping her to breathe and they don't have any phones in there or anything.
I'm trying to keep busy, I'm trying to justify not dumping everything and rushing out there but I just can't help but think about I'm never going to see her again or speak to her.
My heart is breaking and I just don't know what to do. My friends are being great but I just feel so fucking helpless.
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Comments
I cant imagine how difficult this must be.
Who is it who has said under no circumstance to go over there?
Do you live near your brother? If you aren't able go out there, maybe he could take something out from you, a letter (if she can read), or a message or something?
Thanks guys
Let the University know your mum is ill, they will take a note of it in case of anything (like you need to take a leave of absence or whatever) - at least then you don't have to worry about anything else except yourself if they understand the situation. I did try to cope and get on but my grades dropped dramatically.
My thoughts are with you x
My Mum was sleeping but in the same house as my nana when she died. She was so upset she wasn't even able to be in the same room as she passed. I wouldn't care whether your Dad told you to go or not. Your Dad has to know you must be out of your mind, he can't just use your brother as a pillar of strength, your brother needs someone too.
I would definitely go against the grain and do everything in your power and go, whatever you have here whether it's work/uni and such can make allowances for you in this tragic time.
Get a plane ticket ASAP. You know you'd want your Mum here if it were roles reversed. Good luck and my condolonces. x
I know I would want to go, but maybe there is sense in what's being said. I don't know, the bottom line is that it's your decision. If you need to go then you should go.
Thinking of you.
It might not be in THEIR best interests for you to go, but you have to think of how this is going to affect you if you dont manage to do this.
But I'm thinking about it. I'm not going to fly off just yet give it a day or so and see what's happening and assess the situation from there. I just wish I could speak to her.
I don't think I'd travel to a different country without any people I can rely on. Afterall - should the worst happen then you'll be able to say goodbye to her here. But it's up to you and it's your decision. But you're probably right when you say your mum wouldn't want you to jeopordise all your hard work at university.
Sorry, I wish there was something more comforting I could say - I hope I've not come across as insensitive. *big hugs* take it easy no matter what though, try and eliminate any unneccesary stresses (projects and such) for the time being so you can concentrate on looking after yourself
Take care of yourself and if your at univeristy you might want to see if theres a counselling service availiable they might be able to help you through this.
This is such hard news and I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through right now.
You clearly have a very strong head on your shoulders and you've thought really long and carefully about the issues you're facing. We can't admire you enough for that.
I think it's important that you let people look after you though - and regardless of what you decide about whether to visit or not - it's probably really important that you are around folk who you can really trust. I also wondered whether or not you've actually spoken to your Dad? Would it help you at all to hear from him do you think?
Anyhow, keep posting and letting us know how you're doing x
Yes, it isn't nice to see someone you love so much ill, but I also saw my sister's reaction as she was too late to come and say goodbye. If you do not go make sure it is because it is your decision and noone elses. Grief is a very personal and in many ways selfish thing, but IMHO if you are not allowed to do what you want to do, you may well have a hard time with closure afterwards.
As for university- mine have been very understanding, and I will also get special consideration. It can also be good to have something to concentrate on, but your uni should let you have a lot of leeway with something as big as this. And another heads up for the counselling service. I have a wonderful network of supportive friends and people, but there are many times that I do not want to put them under the pressure of my feelings and experiences. I've only been to one counselling session so far but I can sense a change, so it can do no harm to try it out.
Good luck. If you need anything else PM me
She said to me on the phone that it's all very well and good being sensible and logical about it but at the end of the day logic and stuff don't really make up for emotions. So I'm feeling better about it now.
My brother's already on a flight over at the moment with his family. I feel bad for my sister though because her husband's dad is also on his deathbed as well and they are going to have some trouble with their three kids (two are at boarding school and have no idea what's going on at the moment).
Just going to have to wait for her to call me and give me the score. I'm going to try and get in touch with my tutor as soon as possible and explain the situation. He's my dissertation tutor as well so hopefully we'll be able to work out something so my grades don't suffer too badly.
My friends are being fantastic and I know all they can really say to me is sorry but they've been doing me a world of good. Little things like putting funny youtube videos on my facebook for me to watch and just to distract me. I'll keep you guys informed and let you know what happens.
XXX
I have no words of advice but I really hope that during this time you also make sure that you look after yourself.
Thinking of you lots xx
Be strong, I'll be thinking of you.