Born out of wedlock

Former Member

Does it bother you??

My cousin is expecting his baby a month after ours is due and they have bought their wedding forward to this october (their baby is due Feb). Also a couple we know got pregnant last year and the lads mum said 'you've got to get married now' so the mum paid for the wedding, a few months before the baby was born.

Me and my partner arent married, and when we found out I was pregnant we didnt even think about gettin married. I can see why people want to get married before they have a baby - so they've all got the same name, but why get married just because your pregnant??

Just wanted to see other people's views really.

Former Member

It's not 1890 anymore.

Former Member

Nope it doesn't bother me at all. My mum and dad werent, and still aren't, married when I was born. My sister had my nephew before she was married whereas my other sister was married before she had my neice.
If I wasn't married and fell pregnant I wouldn't worry and rush to get married.

Former Member

lol, I don't give a shit.

My brother is born out of wedlock. My other brother's kid is born out of wedlock. And it's not because of names because we don't change names here. :P

Having said that I live in the country that statistically 'values marriage the least' because statistically we have the most children born out of wedlock here in Iceland.

It doesn't bother me at all, I don't see why it should.

Former Member

I guess some people just like tradition. I had a friend get married a couple months after she found out she was pregnant. I wouldn', though. Unless you had the means, getting married before a baby could even be counterproductive, financially. Even a cheap wedding can be expensive (unless getting married means in jeans on the way to dinner). And a new baby definatly will need that money! I'd think it could cause a strain on the relationship too. If the relationship wasn't in the marrying stage, beign forced into it like that would probably make me resent it all and it wouldn't last long. I don't even really associate kids with marriage.

Former Member

Nope, doesn't bother me at all. My half-brother was born out of wedlock, I wasn't though.

Former Member

It doesn't bother me what other people do. As long as a child is loved, wanted and cared for.

Personally though, I do want to be married before I have children. It's not even from some irrational traditional-wannabe standpoint, but I know that my family would be mortified if I wasn't (Italian/Sicilian Catholics) and while I wouldn't do it for them per se, what matters to my family means a lot to me, especially honouring what my dad would have wanted for his only daughter, and a wedding and marriage can have as little or as much attention as you want to give it, so it wouldn't really bother me if I have to sign something and enjoy some cake for the day

Former Member

Yerascrote wrote: »

Nope, doesn't bother me at all. My half-brother was born out of wedlock, I wasn't though.

I can see some people doing it to avoid that situation. Not that it's a bad thing, but some prefer having the kids in the same situation.

A friend of mine who got married very recently (after having 3 kids) half wishes she'd done it before the first baby was born because once they had the kids they never got round to it.

Former Member

xsazx wrote: »

wasnt the idea of not having illegitimate kids because pre-marital sex was frowned upon?

personally I wouldnt have kids out of wedlock, other people's situations, doesnt bother me in the slightest

It only matters if you adhere to a religion whose teachings forbid childbirth out of wedlock. Times change plus we're also a lot more secular as a society than were and thus such things aren't frowned upon any more.

I personally wouldn't conceive a child out of wedlock but such are my morals and principles. Don't really care what anyone else gets up to.

Former Member

A friend of mine who got married very recently (after having 3 kids) half wishes she'd done it before the first baby was born because once they had the kids they never got round to it.

I think that's partly the reason I want to get married first, as I know that once I have children, I'll be so consumed with them, I probably won't be financially or mentally prepared to organise and go through with a wedding. Having said that, my mum planned her wedding in less than 6 weeks, but she's awesome at stuff like that, I'm not!

I know someone who waited to complete their family before they got married because they wanted their children present on their wedding day, so it would be a family occassion rather than just focusing on the couple.

Former Member

I'm not sure I'll ever get married; I don't like marriage's religious connotations. I certainly won't be considering marriage as a factor when I'm thinking about having children.

Indrid Cold

go_away wrote: »

I think that's partly the reason I want to get married first, as I know that once I have children, I'll be so consumed with them, I probably won't be financially or mentally prepared to organise and go through with a wedding.

Then again, if you don't get married at all you'll probably be better financially prepared for children.

Former Member

It didn't bother me not being married when I had Abbie but it's kinda starting to bother me a bit now. She's going to realise soon that I've not got the same name as her and her Daddy, hmmm I don't know.

My brother had a shotgun wedding to his wife a whole 6 days before my niece was born, classy :thumb:

Former Member

Thunderstruck wrote: »

It only matters if you adhere to a religion whose teachings forbid childbirth out of wedlock. Times change plus we're also a lot more secular as a society than were and thus such things aren't frowned upon any more.

It's actually not been too long since such a thing has been frowned upon by the general public.

Certainly in Irish society, Church and State still aren't fully separated in the Republic ffs but it wasn't uncommon even in the 60's and 70's for women to suffer active discrimination because they had a child born out of wedlock. I'd recommend a great play on the issue but it's written entirely in Irish! :eek:

Indrid Cold

Glittery wrote: »

My brother had a shotgun wedding to his wife

What does that mean? I suppose he didn't threaten her to marry him with a shotgun.

Former Member

Indrid Cold wrote: »

What does that mean? I suppose he didn't threaten her to marry him with a shotgun.

It's what they call a rushed wedding when there's a baby on the way, I think it's got something to do with the girls father threatening the boy with a gun if he doesnt marry her.

Not that he did though

Former Member

I think that the generation for whom this was a big deal is dying out now. The world has moved on...

Former Member

Man Of Kent wrote: »

I think that the generation for whom this was a big deal is dying out now. The world has moved on...

About time too...

Former Member

I personally would like to have my children after i'm married (which is obviously an almost certainty now). Because and i'm pretty sure the statistics back me up that children are more likely to be balenced and stable if they are brought up by two parents within a family unit. Being married in my eyes cements the relationship between two people and is a public declaration of thier committment to each other.

However had i found myself pregnant when not married and had randomly decided to keep the baby - then I certainly wouldnt' have married the babies father just for the sake of getting married before it was born............

Former Member

Being born out of wedlock does not actually make you a "mamzer" (illegitimate). That would only happen (on a religious side) if you were born out of an adulterous or incestual relationship, which isn't the case here. (Also adulterous only applies if the woman is married, but not if the man is).

Former Member

I want to get married before I have children, but if I did fall pregnant now I wouldn't rush to get married before baby was born just because. I do plan to be married first though. Not that I'm against children being born out of wedlock or anything, it doesn't really matter to me, just in my head things go in the order of wedding THEN babies.

Oh and my mum got married when she was 6 months pregnant with me - she said she tried really hard to have me born out of wedlock in order to annoy the very Catholic family on my dad's side but they made her move the wedding forwards! (It was planned for a year later originally.)

Former Member

Man Of Kent wrote: »

I think that the generation for whom this was a big deal is dying out now. The world has moved on...

:yes: I see no problem with people having children before they get married. I know of 2 people who did it (as in, 2 different people having children with their girlfriends) and then are planning on getting married later.

Former Member

I'd love to be married before having kids but if it happens before then then it happens.

Former Member

For interest

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6951417.stm

Former Member

I'm With Stupid wrote: »

It's not 1890 anymore.

sums it up really. nobody these days gives a shit if your married, divorced, single or whatever. Who cares.

Former Member

It bothers me more that the kid grows up in a loving environment where the parents are in a stable relationship.

Former Member

Unless you're strictly religious there shouldn't be a problem. Planning for a marriage can be a really stressful and expensive experience even if there are people to help out; why put a pregnant woman through all that if it's not something you both really wanted to begin with.

OK so you could just go to a registry office and do it on the quiet, but personally, I would rather wait and do it properly with the whole shebang, than rush and have a low key wedding just to please other peoples expectations.

You obviously hadn't thought about marriage before seeing these other people. You'll know when it's right. Maybe you'll get married after your kid is born, maybe you'll never get married, but whats important is that the resulting choice is yours, not someone elses.

-Jess-

Former Member

I wouldn't be too fussed really. It's a bit old fashioned all this waiting until i get married stuff.

Former Member

i was born out of wedlock, and i'm desperatly trying to get rid of my fathers last name...fed up of people asking me if i'm related to the quaker gurney's and say yes...they disowned me...

i wouldn't be to fussed about being married before having a baby, and i don't particularly want to be, if i felt it was a good idea later on, then maybe but not just for the sake of having the baby in wedlock...

Former Member

I remember when I was in school it was weird if kids had parents who wern't married. Its a lot more usual now so its not a big deal.

Me and my boyfriend talk about having kids and getting married and which we'll do first. It will totally depend on our financial situation. We may only have enough have money to do one or the other in which case we'll have kids! Marriage can wait.

Former Member

I don't think it matters at all these days. For me and the fella personally though we want to be married first, is just what feels right to us and would keep our families happier. But if I did get pregnant we wouldn't rush to get married just so we were.