Um how do i tell her?

Former Member

Uh... Okay wierd to ask a bunch of strangers but most of you dont live in the states. How would i tell my Girl Friend i was molested as a child?

(i am at peace, he got what he deserved)

Former Member

Remember it's your choice whether you tell her or not.

Nothing as bad as being abused but the few people I tell about bits of my past tend to come into the conversation starting something along the lines of 'we've all got things in the past that we would rather had never happened....'.

Former Member

I just want some suggestions on how to tell her I have already decided to tell her. She deserve's to know. Thats how I feel. No offence of course you do have a good sugestion Monster.

Former Member

Nah tis fine, sorry for sounding like I was lecturing. Just someone once tried to imply to me that you should always tell partners and I don't agree with that, should be own decision each and every time.

This would be a personnal choice thing, but particularly if you are at peace with it (I really like that choice of words btw) then I'd try and do it in a not too serious way. Some time when you're chatting anyway and have a bit of time, not one of those sit down for a serious talk jobs.

Former Member

Once again i leave out info, I've tried that, but i cant work up the nerve. It is kinda of a serous subject since the truth is my parents dont know just my brother and my cousin who, gave him a limp and a cain for what he did. Possibly caused him his speach impedament, im not sure. I have treid to comfront him now that im older but, well I'm not 4'1 any more Im 6'1 dont know how to convert that sorry. I honestly scare the crap out of him. There are few people who know me personaly that know that, so it still is a hard subject to bring up. I dont like the thought of my brother and cousin going to jail for giving some one like bobby what he deserved. So basicly yeah I need to know how to do it serously without over whelming her and a way to keep my nerve.

Thanx agian though.

Former Member

It's a very difficult thing to do, but basically you just have to come out with it. I don't agree - personally - that it can be done within the boundaries of normal conversation but then that's just me. I found a time when we were alone, when we weren't rushing off anywhere in an hour and when I knew we wouldn't be disturbed. I can't remember exactly what I said, but I credit my boyfriend with being really, really good with me. I came out with some vague statements and he kind of led the conversation which was really what I needed, I still find it hard to say these things aloud. We've talked about it since and I've filled in various blanks. You have to be prepared for the emotions the person who loves you is going to experience, though. They're likely to feel angry and devastated and helpless. You get through these revelations together, because I definitely found that when I laid all these things on the table we both felt like we'd been hit by a truck. Despite the fact that I'd lived with this knowledge and these feelings for years and years.

I know you say you're at peace with it, and if you truly are then I both envy and respect you. But for me actually telling my signifigant other for the first time in a relationship was like breaking down a dam of emotion and really just the beginning of healing past wounds. I had thought I was as close to being at peace with it as I could be, before I told him. That changed afterwards, and I became very angry and frustrated with the people involved and the people I felt should've helped me. He helped me realise that not every man is an abusive man, whereas before I would have definitely thought that all men had it in them to do that... and he helped me to realise that the horrible, horrible things that happened in the past are in the past and they are nothing for me to be ashamed of. I found things became easier once I'd heard that from someone I felt so close to, rather than that just being a mantra I used to convince myself I wasn't at fault.

I can't even begin to tell you about how good it is to confide, and then reap the benefits of a boyfriend/girlfriend who knows you candidly and from whom you aren't keeping secrets. For example, when I had really bad flashbacks my boyfriend would just cuddle me and that was what I wanted. I didn't want to talk about it, and he didn't ask. Sometimes I do want to talk about it and he doesn't say a thing, just holds me. It must be really hard for him but he was a lifeline. You can't overestimate how encouraging understanding is.

Have you talked to someone professionally? I haven't, but I think it would've helped me at the point I told my boyfriend. It definitely dredged up a lot of buried feelings, and I would probably have benefited from having a counsellor at that time. But each to their own.

I hope you manage to tell her. She loves you and she would want to share this with you, relationships aren't all light and fluffy conversations... as I'm sure you're aware.

Former Member

I did when i turned 18, they would have told otherwise some kinda parents right to go into your privet life and fuck you up some more. No i was smart and waited. I do think of pressing charge's ever once in a while but, I honestly think that the cheyenne court would just for lack of a better term screw me. Seeing as how the delt with other sexual offince cases that where a over a year old. He Helped me come to terms with it. That is another reason I am at peace. I kind of feel bad sometimes though. It happend to me, but i dont have flash backs, I'm not a homophobic, I've allways been in touch with my emotions. The reason I can lose my virginity to My gf if she was willing to lose hers. I've messed around first second and third. How come i was so lucky?
Why didnt it take a serous toll on me, like its done to some many others? I feel kinda out of place at my suport group sometimes. Its just so hard to tell her, for some reason.

Former Member

My ex told me he'd been abused when he was a kid. We hadnt even known each other long and he's never told anyone before. He's 36 with his own children and although he suffers with depression(which may come from past experiences) its not something that affects him day to day. He never taked about it after that.

He was very shy and found it hard to say it, but from what he was saying, about his mum and her partners, his step-dad and his childhood, going to live with his grandparents, i could tell something had happened and i just asked him some questions. He kinda just said someone had made him do some bad things. i asked if he meant sexually and he said yes. he said he'd been hurt so i asked if hed been physically hurt etc.
It didnt make any difference to me, i just felt so sad for him, gave him a big hug and it was never an issue for anyone.

Former Member

Two things,

1. I told her and she was really suportive.

2. My assulter was killed yesterday in a car crash at a bar called jim town.

GOOOD!!!

Truth time. About i think 10 years ago he was diagnoste with HIV, He died do to complications of AIDS, I dont really feel sorry for him, I dont know if it was the ass kicking he got or what but, He never did anything of the sort again. At least there was no tell tail signs of any kind. I learned I was his 5th victum and last victum. He was 19 and i was 6. Okay I have been tested for aids for multiple reasons, army I got one when i had a tonsilectamy, and one becuase well i was getting a blood test for diabetes. Nothing came back any of those times. Now I am wondering what is my risk factor, I was very resistent to his advance's but he did get inside me a little. I really am nervouse so a little help her plz.

Former Member

Matty - well done for finding the courage to tell her. Not that you have to, but because you wanted to. Second, I'm not 100% sure but I think HIV is one of the hardest sexually transmitted diseases to catch. The chance is something like 1 in 300 with unprotected anal sex I think. The fact you've had multiple tests that have all been negative is as close to proof as you can get that you aren't infected with HIV.

Former Member

Well speak of the devil they always say. It's good new's I am not diabetic, Nore am I HIV positive. I do am hypo glycemia (low blood sugar) But after the gave me a over the phone test Im 100% HIV Negative. Nore Diabetic, hooray for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Former Member

Im really glad it went well and your girlfriend is supportive and youve got the all clear healthwise
Also good news about the bastard who hurt you. The final nail in the coffin. Serves him right.

Former Member

Matty wrote: »

2. My assaulter was killed yesterday in a car crash at a bar called jim town.

Delighted to hear it. It's always good to hear of the death of someone who has caused nothing but misery and pain to someone's life. Two years ago, a guy whom I used to be at school with was killed in a car crash. Turns out he'd gotten behind the wheel drunk, and lost control of the car. Normally, I would find it tragic. Given, however, the bullying that coward subjected me through, I was happy at the news. May they both burn in hell.

Former Member

SuzyCreamcheese wrote: »

Im really glad it went well and your girlfriend is supportive and youve got the all clear healthwise
Also good news about the bastard who hurt you. The final nail in the coffin. Serves him right.

Damnn fucking right!