I am hating my home life and family life so so much right now and making me so depressed. Everyone is constantly aruging and i dunno if i am the problem or what or if i am in the wrong. And all just a bit of a mess
The situation is i hate my my parents. For 16 years i lived like an actual tramp, they neglected me so much. Im 18 now and living fine now. But the house didnt have a bath cause it fell through, the celling was and still is falling, had no hot water, no heating, no washing machine, not a proper bed, cluttter absolouty everywhere, and not a room by myself and basically took me hours on end to just clean myself. Things would start to break but instead of fixing it they left it. My dad wanted to fix it while my mum didnt want anyone round the house and controlled the whole situation. Its pretty grim and i didnt want to tell anyone else because i felt like a tramp even thoigh wasnt my fault.
They was made to buy a new house which i now live in, but my mum still live in the shit hole, the houses are both payed for so they are constantly paying for bills for both houses and they will not be able to afford to have both houses for much longer, which is where a lot of tbe arguments comes from cause i am telling them they need to sort out the "shit hole" otherwise they will have no money. My mum claims she is living there to tidy but it looks no different and i dunno if she likes living like a tramp or what but as much as i hate her i feel a bit sad for her cause i dunno how to help or what is weong with her. Cause she normalised trampy behaviour so much and tries to confuse me. She does have a heart condition so she uses that as an excuse to why she neflected me when it hardly affected her, she just never cared. So i dunno if i should care or let her keep living like that.
My dad is also mentally ill, he has sereve depression but it wasnt always that bad but he never did anything to help the situation, im not sure i understand him either. I dont think their illness jusitfy what they put me through at all. My dad only cares about my mum, he goes out and buys her food for her and gives it to her while she does nothing everyday. And every arugment we have my dad sticks up for her and it is so weird because she is completly deluded and he knows that too but is so protective of her and does anything to make her happy even if it makes us angry. He could no give a shit about us and only cares about her. When we are blood related and shes just some woman he should off divorced years ago. My dad wants to pretend to play happy families but i dont get how when he only cares about her and he wants is a quiet life when he isnt going to get it only making her happy
My mum comes round on weekends and some workdays as soon as she comes and starts speaking i just want her to leave, there is something in her vioce that switchs something in my brain and makes me so anrgy no matter what she is saying. And i cant help but shout at her and cause the aguments She only cares about her self, she is a bitter person and says the most horrible things and loves herself. Last night she was telling me i am an ungrateful bitch becuse my home life is fine but i still cause arguemnts. And that i should be happy and fine.
I just really dunno what to do. I feel like i am just the problem and should just shut up and let them pour money down the drain and pretend to be happy with everyone. But i choose to not forgive them for what they put me through and i think that is the problem. But i think about some of the days how i would live and how much i just wanted to kill myself there and then. i cant see how anyone would put their kid through that so i just dont want to pretend. Even thoigh i thought i woukd be happy moving and is all i wanted was some where decent to live but now i feel just as shit as i did then. Im so fed up of the arugments and horrible atsphore i just cant take it much longer. And dont see myself moving out any time soon.