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morality ocd (Trigger warning - mention of SH)
nadia0802
Posts: 6 Confirmed not a robot
does anyone have really bad ocd around morals and being a good person and never doing anything wrong and if you don't live up to that standard then you're a bad person? I experience these thoughts quite a lot and it really affects my enjoyment of things. I am a big music fan and after some deep dives I realised a majority of the music artists I listen to have done bad things (whether that be saying slurs, supporting bad people, being edgy or just being rude). I realise that a majority of the big people in entertainment probably have done something bad and that if I only consumed non controversial people I wouldn't have anyone left to stream. but it makes me feel so awful listening to them and it makes me feel like I'm excusing their actions even though I love the music. I dont even look up to celebrities that often. it happens with movies too although I don't watch a lot of movies.
it's not just around consuming problematic media though. I was selectively mute for years because I was worried that I would offended people. my intrusive thoughts sometimes make me say slurs at people in my head and I feel like a monster. I used to get told off quite a lot at school and labeled the naughty child even though most of the time I didnt even know what I was doing was wrong. I know it's impossible for everybody to be morally perfect but now I'm constantly obsessing over my actions and whether I said the right thing or offended anyone.
and what's worse is that I'm also a massive hypocrite because I often say a lot of horrible things involuntary to my family members, I will have an intrusive thoughts calling them ugly and the only way I can get rid of it is to speak it into existence or for me to harm myself.
idk i just feel like I'm not a good person for many different reasons
Comments
Hey @nadia0802, thank you for sharing this with us. This sounds like a difficult situation to be in. I can hear how you're keen to be a good person and get things right, that you're conscious about the media you consume and the things that you say. To strive to be a good person, to do things well, to speak appropriately and be conscious around your actions are all good things to aim for.
Before I go on, I saw that you feel like sometimes you need to hurt yourself when you have an intrusive thought. Can I check that you're safe?
Though I am hearing there's a difference here - not just to be a good person, but to never do anything wrong; not just to do things well, but to never make a mistake; not just to speak appropriately, but to be afraid that you're going to say the wrong thing or offend someone such that you chose muteness; and not just to be conscious about your actions, but take it to the point where it's actively affecting your ability to enjoy entertainment (which by definition, entertainment is to be enjoyed). There's a balance between trying your best to do the right thing, and taking it so far that it becomes an unrealistic standard that you can't meet, that no one expects you to meet, and actively affects your ability to participate in and enjoy life.
Do you expect the same standard from others? If a friend or family member said something wrong, or listened to a song by a musician that had said something bad in the past, or didn't get 100% in a test, would you consider them a bad person? Or do you only set this standard for yourself? And why do you set this as the standard?
You mention that you feel like a bad person for many reasons - some of which you've said are not meeting this standard you set yourself, for saying hurtful things or thinking thoughts that aren't nice. By that standard, most people fail the test and are bad. What other reasons are there for you to think you're bad?
You're free to express yourself here. We're here to listen to you and support you.
@azzazziman thank you for being concerned, I'm doing fine thank you it's more about be wanting to punch myself/hit rather than cutting (not anymore) I guess my intrusive thoughts will apply the not morally perfect logic to other people but it's mostly to me. I set such high standards for moral behaviour for me for many reasons but mainly because of the school environment I grew up in. we had a behavior system where we got negative and positive behaviour points based on what we did. the kids who had no behaviour points were rewarded with treats and the kids who had lots of negative behaviour points were looked down upon and shamed. I got a ton of negative behaviour points over the years mostly for things I couldn't control (forgetting stationary or accidentally breaking a school rule I didn't know existed.) I would control my thoughts and if something silly or unprofessional came up in my head during class I would try to shut it out. I obeyed and kept quiet and then after school all my emotions would come out into a meltdown (and in primary school that would often lead to getting hit) i think a lot of it revolves around shame but also the fact that I have a lot of empathy for people so when i see a musician I like being friends with alt right people or saying some hateful things I feel bad for liking their art. there are very few celebrities I look up to and I generally don't idolise celebrities at all, but it still kinda sucks that these bad people make good things. even if i listen to them without them making money I still feel a lot of shame around it because the things they say or did play in my mind when I listen to the music. I want to educate myself about music history but it gets difficult because if you look at most of the industry they all have skeletons in their closet. anyway I think how I grew up played a huge part in the mindset that I have to be obedient and well behaved at all times. it felt like every time I tried to follow the rules as a child I would end up breaking them accidentally and it really changed how I view myself. and ofc the whole thing with my sister and how ive hurt her brings me a lot of guilt. sorry if this was too long