Things at the moment

I think Im doing ok atm, in life, like not to jinx it though, I have a job its not the most glamorous or anything but I think its the right thing to get me in the working life like my foot in the door and in a routine. I take it for granted like Im just happier that Im working, getting a proper income after so long, I've been planning forward, trying to get something else a bit more ideal, again not the dream job but something a bit better and Im not sure I don’t have it all planned out tbh. I still like vent about my job about issues etc and I know the unemployment rate is quite high, its tough like obviously for me like stuck in the job search, facing stigma, everyone going at me, there was low points and it was coming to the point its nearly was 2 years that I was looking then this came up before December. I think being in this point ive been at my place a couple of months now, its like wow, I didn't think I'd last a few days, Im not prepared to get sacked just like that, it would fuck me up if that happened, I do have that fear still in the back of my mind. Im still regaining my confidence back from things, slowly because there been times my confidence has been low, ive been out of work, education or whatever then rebuild my confidence, go back to a new college course, a new career, then it doesn't work out, I have had quite a few of them, during my job search and before. Im just glad this is lasting, Im looking forward getting some money for a car, saving for a house etc. Im taking it for granted and getting my heart set on these goals.

I also have a cruise booked at the end of the year with family, I'm paying it in installments atm but I'm probably just going pay bit chunks of it and just pay it all off. I spoke a lot about all of this on chats especially this but it caused a few issues at home about holidays like I've never really been a fan of abroad holidays on like land but I've felt pressured to go, its partly been my fault too for maybe not being assertive enough and just going because I feel pressured too. I need to be more assertive, even if that requires being a bit stubborn like not letting anyone convince me to change my mind to make me do something I dont want to do so have been doing this and will continue too. I think the holiday we have booked is the first holiday I truly actually want to go on and actually looking forward too. There was some holidays I was just counting the days down just hoping the time would go fast, I don't want to sound dramatic, I might do but there was ome years ago that just felt like a jail, wi fi not working, in some random country stuck there in a room nothing I want to actually do that a I want to do. That's the same with all previous holidays all we've really done is gym , football which i didn't want to do I just got forced to do, you could do that literally at home, done cycling which was a bit better but you can do that at home. Going restaurants were ok but you can do that at home too. I guess its just a different experience doing this stuff abroad and stuff but I just didn't like it, its expensive too. A cruise feels way more intresting, just a massive boat and different restaurants, activities on it, and stopping off at random places stuff on it rather than a hotel which just feels boring, I'm not sure if anyone is in the same boat as me where they arent a fan of abroad holidays unless under certain conditions, another way I might go intrested is certain countries like I heard dubai is nice or America or Japan i heard is nice, another thing would be is maybe going on a euro tunnel just taking my car up there like a road trip taking it abroad or something like that. Without certain conditions I don't think I'd be interested in abroad holidays.

Anyway thats a bit lesser problems, I wanted to talk about relationships, I've spoken about them quite a bit recently but its just been tough, I've been bored, like just at home after work or my day off and not doing much. I wish I had girlfriend I could spend time with after work, that I could laugh with, hug, sit with, spend loads of quality time with, love, support, feel supported by etc. I feel so lonely without one, I've never had one, I've got close but its tough not knowing when then its just if I do find one it could be just some rubbish relationship and facing heart break. Im pretty short too and I'd ideally like someone shorter than me, Im like 5 foot 4 ish, a lot of women are taller than that, I think its average female height so its just tough like being alone, Valentine’s Day alone which was tough, Ive previously vented about, I think since then its hit harder. I feel like the competition are better, people way taller, more successful, more attractive to the woman, I don't actually know how women would see me on the looks part even though looks arent everything, they don't matter if someone's got a big heart and everything. I feel out of everyone's league, I feel everyone is just looking down on me, just in general, my job, my appreance, my height , whatever like its so tough like I faced so so much with my job search , nearly 2 years rejections, hopelessness etc and I could face it again with dating or way worse. Like what if I don't find someone? I want to find someone special, whos genuine, loving, has a sense of humour, wants to come along my future journey, respects me and build a future with, have nice cars, holidays, a house, eventually build a family with etc.

I don't know when Ill find that, I can't take rejection well or heart break. I might not even get any dates, its actually tough because I really want to find someone, I hate being single, people might be like change certain things about myself, mindset, confidence and whatever but I just want a girlfriend, like its so complicated. There's definitely kind women, I do think that when someone is kind, they're near my age or whatever I do think, do I have a chance or whatever. I think I'd like someone in a similar position to me in life because I know they won't look down on me, either way I want whoever I see to see me evenly that im someone whos working, I want them too see my qualities because Im not a bad lad. Im too scared to talk to people, I think when people get to know me they'll know im funny, kind, respectful, humble etc all qualities that im sure women would like and I wish I could find someone who sees my qualities or saw something special about me. I hope it find someone like I don't want woman just to solve my loneliness, its for many other reasons too. Im not sure how id meet someone like people suggest stuff like social clubs, volunteeing or whatever, i find them hard to, I've been on some dating apps, I got a few likes but I don't know if that means anything, you have to pay to message or see the likes, I would spend it but no guarantee id get anything from it, I might pay and not even get a reply back, maybe I should just pay. I'd love to meet someone just naturally for example I go to a shop or something and just naturally drift into a convo or something.

Life's just hard, just getting a job to be a normal citizen is hard, relationships, money, simple things that end up being complicated, its actually so hard, it feels like 1 thing after another, tough jon search and a tough dating scene I might have to face. I still am trying to look into a job a bit better now nearer to home and more hours, although the store i work at is nice, im trying to see if I could see if theres any jobs in the store because more hours and everything, it would make more sense on terms of fuel, plus it seems like a friendly place, quite intresting and I'm familiar. I currently work for a company that provides cleaning services to the store, I try to class it as "preparing the store" rather than "cleaner" as preparing up the store sounds better and would maybe filter out judgemental people which unfortunately theres a lot of, Im at the people where Im just fearful that everyone is looking down on me which is tough, Ive had loads of negative experiences where I had negative people, been judged I've been guilty of some of this myself in the past but its like everyone I come across im scared im getting judged like when I say judged I mean including what people think too im really scared of that and im cautiosof just getting a comment critisising me or looking down on me. Ive had issues with my payment for my wages too, getting paid short, which has been a headache, I had it a couple of times, issues with the clocking system, its fustrating when something simple just turns out to turn so complicated. Anyway, sorry how long this is, Im like a broken record, I've just had a lot on.