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Can't help but cry (TW: suicidal ideation, mention of abuse, trauma)
Roselite
Posts: 15 Settling in
Hi all.
I'm still struggling a lot. Every day I've been crying for hours and it's really draining me. I already deal with physical health issues that isolate me a lot, and having mental health issues on top of that is really intense and feels overwhelming to deal with.
I try what I can: tapping, deep breathing, grounding exercises. But it's still a lot. And between trauma from dealing with childhood abuse, and my physical health issues being chronic in nature, I can't visualise an end to my suffering.
It makes me not want to be here, knowing that no matter how hard I try, further suffering is inevitable. I don't want to go through more than I already have. I'm sick and tired and want it all to end.
I want to clarify that I'm not at physical risk to myself — the only reason I'm still here is because I dread the physical pain that would come with hurting myself, and because I mignt not be successful. So I'm not self-harming in any form.
Even when it comes to seeking professional help, it's always with the caveat of making sure you're not suicidal or in crisis, because any kind of work addressing trauma can be triggering, upsetting, distressing and make you feel worse at first...And I'm just not in a position where I can handle that right now. Helplines can only help so much as well in terms of recommending the same things I'm already doing.
So I'm not really sure what I want out of saying all this. I guess just an outlet to express how I feel. How I feel so helpless about all the things, physical and mental, that are plaguing me. How I struggle to see a way out. How reassurance from others that "things will get better" doesn't resonate at all, feels surface level and presumptive. Part of me feels like they just say that to make themselves feel better about my situation, because it does nothing to help me...I don't know. Maybe other people are in a similar situation and reading this makes them feel less alone. I know the loneliness is a heavy burden to carry on top of struggling as is. And I just want to be heard.
I'm still struggling a lot. Every day I've been crying for hours and it's really draining me. I already deal with physical health issues that isolate me a lot, and having mental health issues on top of that is really intense and feels overwhelming to deal with.
I try what I can: tapping, deep breathing, grounding exercises. But it's still a lot. And between trauma from dealing with childhood abuse, and my physical health issues being chronic in nature, I can't visualise an end to my suffering.
It makes me not want to be here, knowing that no matter how hard I try, further suffering is inevitable. I don't want to go through more than I already have. I'm sick and tired and want it all to end.
I want to clarify that I'm not at physical risk to myself — the only reason I'm still here is because I dread the physical pain that would come with hurting myself, and because I mignt not be successful. So I'm not self-harming in any form.
Even when it comes to seeking professional help, it's always with the caveat of making sure you're not suicidal or in crisis, because any kind of work addressing trauma can be triggering, upsetting, distressing and make you feel worse at first...And I'm just not in a position where I can handle that right now. Helplines can only help so much as well in terms of recommending the same things I'm already doing.
So I'm not really sure what I want out of saying all this. I guess just an outlet to express how I feel. How I feel so helpless about all the things, physical and mental, that are plaguing me. How I struggle to see a way out. How reassurance from others that "things will get better" doesn't resonate at all, feels surface level and presumptive. Part of me feels like they just say that to make themselves feel better about my situation, because it does nothing to help me...I don't know. Maybe other people are in a similar situation and reading this makes them feel less alone. I know the loneliness is a heavy burden to carry on top of struggling as is. And I just want to be heard.
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Comments
You absolutely are heard, and I can't imagine how painful and overwhelming that must be. I'm truly sorry things are so difficult, and it takes a lot of strength to talk about it here.
It's totally valid to want to be heard and express your feelings, and you're welcome to do that here - there will always be space for you, and you matter.
I know this doesn't change anything, but I can understand where you're coming from, as I struggle with loneliness and dealing with childhood trauma as well, and I know how incredibly heavy and painful it is.
I can relate a lot to what you said about people saying 'things will get better', it definitely comes across as surface-level to me too. Sometimes people seem to automatically try and fix things, and forget how important it is that the person is heard and validated, in my experience at least. I don't know if that made sense.
It did make me feel less alone reading this, and once again, I'm sorry you're struggling like this right now. I may not be able to change anything, but I hear you, and I'm here virtually to support you or just chat whenever you need
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going - going through either physical or mental health issues alone is difficult, and together even more so. Especially when feeling like you're going through this all by yourself, I can hear how much of a challenge it is to deal with all of this on your plate, and it makes sense that you'd feel tired of having to manage all of this.
You're doing your best (whether it's grounding exercises or seeking professional support), and that deserves a lot of credit. You're welcome to express your feelings here, where the community can see and hear you. And we're here to support you through this.
You're right, a lot of people out there seem to try and sweep others' problems into a tidy little box for their own peace of mind, or to give themselves the satisfaction that comes with offering a solution. I get that a lot even when it comes to unsolicited medical advice that shows they don't understand how chronic illnesses work, like "just drink more water", "do exercise" or "try yoga".
Back to the childhood trauma — sadly, in situations like these, it's extremely complicated in ways they don't give credit for. Maybe, in a sick way, it's best they don't understand because it truly is so painful that they're much better off never having to worry about the issues that come with childhood trauma a single day in their life. I wish I could relate to being blissfully ignorant and oblivious to it in that way.
But yes, what you said makes sense. When I'm struggling as badly as I have been, magical thinking like "it will get better", "don't worry", "everything happens for a reason" and "the trauma made you stronger" just makes me feel worse.
It feels like a form of erasure because it's not recognising how serious and debilitating any of this is. I mean, at the end of the day, I and only I alone am experiencing my own mental health struggles. No one else can speak to them for me. So why are people saying with such confidence all these things about how my trauma fits the narrative of some grand purpose, or that my situation is guaranteed to improve soon?
I've already spent years in therapy only to find it wasn't helpful at all, and that wasn't from a lack of trying — I would make notes after each session recapping what was said, how I felt and continued journalling throughout the week when any emotions would come up. And yet...I feel like I'm still back at square one. No change.
I've tried numerous antidepressants as well that would either come with horrible physical side effects or made my mental health worse where I'd have to discontinue use. I've been through my CMHT after waiting to see them for 3 years who were unwilling to help me.
I feel so overwhelmed and exhausted, having tried so many different things and like nothing is working. I don't know what to do. No wonder I want a way out when it feels like I'm permanently stuck and forced to live like this no matter how hard I try, burdened by both physical and mental health issues with no end in sight.
Even with no responsibilities, nothing happening on a day-to-day from the outside I have to worry about, being stuck in my body and mind is a living hell. It hurts to be alive.
Thanks @Azziman. It really does feel like I'm trying my best even though my "best" just looks like being stuck in bed all day right now. Just being alive is a challenge. I end up feeling ashamed of this where I don't give myself enough credit.
I end up comparing myself to other people who have different circumstances, or the inner critic in my head tries to tell me I need to be doing more or else how can I have the right to complain about not healing? As if I'm supposed to be doing intensive trauma work 24/7 to 'justify' feeling affected by trauma. So that's been very frustrating and draining to deal with on top of the existing physical and mental health issues.
I feel like I constantly have something to prove to other people. Like, just describing all this is in a way trying to prove to myself that look, just being here is a lot for me to deal with, can I cut myself some slack? And I was about to describe the things I've been doing re: seeking help like through helplines in order to argue with myself over it.
I end up assigning a lot of these inner feelings of shame and guilt onto others as if they're demanding this from me, when really it's been internalised from the past and the only person doing this to me is myself. I end up feeling like I'm in a perpetual state of unsafety, that people are out to judge me and hurt me even when no such thing is happening at all anymore.
It's tough. I've been trying to undo that programming that runs deep from so many years ago, picking apart at the thoughts and how they aren't "rational", how other people used their own struggles as an excuse to lash out and project onto me, how none of this belonged to me to begin with...But my mind, or maybe my body with how I experience fight-or-flight, simply can't let it go.
Any talking-based therapy has been completely ineffective in changing this, and any alternative therapies require me to be in a much more stable place so I can handle any triggering feelings or memories that come up from it. I truly feel like I'm in an awful catch-22 where I'm screwed no matter what I do, and I don't know how to get out of this.
Please don’t underestimate how much strength it takes just to get through the day when your body and mind are both in such a painful place. Even though talking therapies haven’t helped so far, the fact that you’re still reaching out and still expressing what you’re going through is admirable and we are proud of you for that.
You don’t have to prove anything to anyone in this space. You don’t have to justify your pain or your exhaustion. You’re allowed to just be, exactly as you are. Please remember you’re not alone in this community , many of us understand different pieces of what you’re describing. We see how much courage you have to keep going in a world that hasn’t always protected you or cared for you the way you should have been cared for.
And even though you’re hurting so deeply, I’m really glad you’re safe right now. That matters so much and you deserve to be seen and heard. You don’t need to have a plan or a solution. It’s okay to just breathe, to just exist, to take things one day at a time, or even one moment at a time at your own pace. We’re here with you through this and you don’t have to carry everything by yourself.
It's weird. I'm not used to taking things one day at a time even though you'd think with my physical health issues I'd be used to that by now. Maybe there's a sense of stillness from the outside looking in but inside my mind, I'm always moving. Even those purposeful moments of stillness like with the breathing exercises, or grounding, or mindfulness are all with the intent of "I need to do this to make progress", not an acceptance of where I am right now.
Because I hate where I am right now, and I want things to change, and yet I feel so powerless when it comes to that change being outside of my control. So I latch onto all the control I can, but it's not enough. That's why I've been feeling so hopeless: I can't see a way forward, a solution, when so often I've been preoccupied with trying to find one. In a way I'm not giving myself the permission to be who I am right now, because if I don't have an eventual better outcome, a better me that is attainable, then I feel like nothing. Like I'm just being forced to suffer. And that's unfair.
I do feel very lonely in all this. Entire institutions like our healthcare system failing me, all this therapy that I thought would help me get better failing me, it makes me feel like I'm to blame. Like there's something wrong with me specifically, otherwise I wouldn't be failed by so many people around me and things would've improved by now. I don't know. Any options that I could try would require me to be in a more stable place. But how do I get there? I'm at a loss. I wish I knew.
I think my fear is if I let myself take a break where I don't think about where I am progress-wise mentally right now, that's me being "lazy". That's me just looking for excuses to do nothing. I have to be actively chipping away just to justify that I don't deserve to suffer, prove that I want better for myself and am trying as hard as I can for things to get better.
Prove to whom? That's the thing. I've internalised all this criticism over the years, whether it be ableism over my physical health issues (where I was told the same things about being lazy and just looking for excuses), or being lashed out at when I was younger for just...Existing? That now I punish myself.
I do this to myself, even when no one else is demanding anything of me. I'm so used to it. I know awareness is the first step, I try reframing those thoughts, regulating my nervous system but...That conditioning is so hard-wired into me it's hard to let go of where those practices don't resolve it.
Once again, I'm not sure what my point was in saying all of this. I know your reply was getting at the fact that there doesn't necessarily have to be a point beyond expressing myself or wanting to share it with others but I can't help but try to search for a reason regardless, just to justify it again, like I'm stuck in survival mode and if I don't something bad will happen even in a space like this that's supposed to be safe...
But thank you for listening.