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Can't help but cry (TW: suicidal ideation, mention of abuse, trauma)
Roselite
Posts: 12 Settling in
Hi all.
I'm still struggling a lot. Every day I've been crying for hours and it's really draining me. I already deal with physical health issues that isolate me a lot, and having mental health issues on top of that is really intense and feels overwhelming to deal with.
I try what I can: tapping, deep breathing, grounding exercises. But it's still a lot. And between trauma from dealing with childhood abuse, and my physical health issues being chronic in nature, I can't visualise an end to my suffering.
It makes me not want to be here, knowing that no matter how hard I try, further suffering is inevitable. I don't want to go through more than I already have. I'm sick and tired and want it all to end.
I want to clarify that I'm not at physical risk to myself — the only reason I'm still here is because I dread the physical pain that would come with hurting myself, and because I mignt not be successful. So I'm not self-harming in any form.
Even when it comes to seeking professional help, it's always with the caveat of making sure you're not suicidal or in crisis, because any kind of work addressing trauma can be triggering, upsetting, distressing and make you feel worse at first...And I'm just not in a position where I can handle that right now. Helplines can only help so much as well in terms of recommending the same things I'm already doing.
So I'm not really sure what I want out of saying all this. I guess just an outlet to express how I feel. How I feel so helpless about all the things, physical and mental, that are plaguing me. How I struggle to see a way out. How reassurance from others that "things will get better" doesn't resonate at all, feels surface level and presumptive. Part of me feels like they just say that to make themselves feel better about my situation, because it does nothing to help me...I don't know. Maybe other people are in a similar situation and reading this makes them feel less alone. I know the loneliness is a heavy burden to carry on top of struggling as is. And I just want to be heard.
I'm still struggling a lot. Every day I've been crying for hours and it's really draining me. I already deal with physical health issues that isolate me a lot, and having mental health issues on top of that is really intense and feels overwhelming to deal with.
I try what I can: tapping, deep breathing, grounding exercises. But it's still a lot. And between trauma from dealing with childhood abuse, and my physical health issues being chronic in nature, I can't visualise an end to my suffering.
It makes me not want to be here, knowing that no matter how hard I try, further suffering is inevitable. I don't want to go through more than I already have. I'm sick and tired and want it all to end.
I want to clarify that I'm not at physical risk to myself — the only reason I'm still here is because I dread the physical pain that would come with hurting myself, and because I mignt not be successful. So I'm not self-harming in any form.
Even when it comes to seeking professional help, it's always with the caveat of making sure you're not suicidal or in crisis, because any kind of work addressing trauma can be triggering, upsetting, distressing and make you feel worse at first...And I'm just not in a position where I can handle that right now. Helplines can only help so much as well in terms of recommending the same things I'm already doing.
So I'm not really sure what I want out of saying all this. I guess just an outlet to express how I feel. How I feel so helpless about all the things, physical and mental, that are plaguing me. How I struggle to see a way out. How reassurance from others that "things will get better" doesn't resonate at all, feels surface level and presumptive. Part of me feels like they just say that to make themselves feel better about my situation, because it does nothing to help me...I don't know. Maybe other people are in a similar situation and reading this makes them feel less alone. I know the loneliness is a heavy burden to carry on top of struggling as is. And I just want to be heard.
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Comments
You absolutely are heard, and I can't imagine how painful and overwhelming that must be. I'm truly sorry things are so difficult, and it takes a lot of strength to talk about it here.
It's totally valid to want to be heard and express your feelings, and you're welcome to do that here - there will always be space for you, and you matter.
I know this doesn't change anything, but I can understand where you're coming from, as I struggle with loneliness and dealing with childhood trauma as well, and I know how incredibly heavy and painful it is.
I can relate a lot to what you said about people saying 'things will get better', it definitely comes across as surface-level to me too. Sometimes people seem to automatically try and fix things, and forget how important it is that the person is heard and validated, in my experience at least. I don't know if that made sense.
It did make me feel less alone reading this, and once again, I'm sorry you're struggling like this right now. I may not be able to change anything, but I hear you, and I'm here virtually to support you or just chat whenever you need
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going - going through either physical or mental health issues alone is difficult, and together even more so. Especially when feeling like you're going through this all by yourself, I can hear how much of a challenge it is to deal with all of this on your plate, and it makes sense that you'd feel tired of having to manage all of this.
You're doing your best (whether it's grounding exercises or seeking professional support), and that deserves a lot of credit. You're welcome to express your feelings here, where the community can see and hear you. And we're here to support you through this.