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Just a rant
Animalloverb
Posts: 471 Listening Ear
Since my son has woken up from his power nap he has been so unsettled, he is constantly crying. I don't know how to help him, I am trying my best but I really hate seeing him so upset and not being able to do anything to help. We got some Mcdonald fries since he loves those and I also let him decide on some snacks, which he wanted the barney bear things which he is obsessed with at the moment, he then also wanted these Dougie cupcakes which I allowed as I thought it would help him settle a bit. We are going to make these cupcakes and then put on a film. I really hope this helps him settle a bit because I don't like to see him so distressed.
It's also hard as he struggles to communicate, he is only 2 years old but his language isn't as clear as it should be as he is a bit behind which is okay. But I can't tell if he is in pain anywhere or if he isn't feeling well, he doesn't have a temperature so I don't feel the need to head to hospital.
I know he can't help it but sometimes the crying can become overwhelming but can also be kind of upsetting for me as I hear him cry when he has his port accessed for treatment and so when he cries at home it does make me feel really upset as I want him to feel safe at home and when he cries I feel like I am doing something wrong.
It's also hard at the moment as my PTSD is having some flare ups which I am doing my best to cope with but it is making everything a little bit more tricky.
TW- mention of appetite
I have slightly lost my appetite with everything going on at the moment, I think I am so overwhelmed that I just don't feel hungry and don't want to eat, yes I know isn't healthy.
I have work, I have called in sick a few times these past few weeks, I only work part time and I should go into work but I just don't feel up to it with everything at the moment.
I have been doing my best to keep up with the animal therapy I do, it's been tricky but I think seeing how much of a difference i am making to the children that come is what is keeping me going, but as it is coming to the colder months I will be closing just because I don't find it appropriate it have my clients do it when it is based outside. I know this may sound awful but I am sort of glad I will be closing soon as I feel I need that time away from it just to focus on myself and my son I guess.
I do feel exhausted, it isn’t easy.
I may put a smile on my face and show up for everyone and protect my child but on the inside I'm not so golden. On the inside it feels like I'm drowning.
I did also have a moment where my son just shattered my heart, I asked him what he would like for Christmas and he said "no more ouchie from doctor, chocolate bear and new monster truck" the way his first response was for no more doctors really upset me, he cries everytime but then pushes through and makes everyone laugh once his port has been accessed and his treatment is started, he really is strong and I really do wish I could make it all go away buy sadly I can't.
Nobody should ever have to go through such a scary diagnosis and no child this young should have to either, hospitals and doctors is basically all my son has ever known. His first 2 ever Christmases were spent there which is just super sad. I am really hoping this year things stay the way they are so he can spend Christmas at home and it will be super special. And also next year I am hoping he can spend his birthday at home too.
It's also hard as he struggles to communicate, he is only 2 years old but his language isn't as clear as it should be as he is a bit behind which is okay. But I can't tell if he is in pain anywhere or if he isn't feeling well, he doesn't have a temperature so I don't feel the need to head to hospital.
I know he can't help it but sometimes the crying can become overwhelming but can also be kind of upsetting for me as I hear him cry when he has his port accessed for treatment and so when he cries at home it does make me feel really upset as I want him to feel safe at home and when he cries I feel like I am doing something wrong.
It's also hard at the moment as my PTSD is having some flare ups which I am doing my best to cope with but it is making everything a little bit more tricky.
TW- mention of appetite
I have slightly lost my appetite with everything going on at the moment, I think I am so overwhelmed that I just don't feel hungry and don't want to eat, yes I know isn't healthy.
I have work, I have called in sick a few times these past few weeks, I only work part time and I should go into work but I just don't feel up to it with everything at the moment.
I have been doing my best to keep up with the animal therapy I do, it's been tricky but I think seeing how much of a difference i am making to the children that come is what is keeping me going, but as it is coming to the colder months I will be closing just because I don't find it appropriate it have my clients do it when it is based outside. I know this may sound awful but I am sort of glad I will be closing soon as I feel I need that time away from it just to focus on myself and my son I guess.
I do feel exhausted, it isn’t easy.
I may put a smile on my face and show up for everyone and protect my child but on the inside I'm not so golden. On the inside it feels like I'm drowning.
I did also have a moment where my son just shattered my heart, I asked him what he would like for Christmas and he said "no more ouchie from doctor, chocolate bear and new monster truck" the way his first response was for no more doctors really upset me, he cries everytime but then pushes through and makes everyone laugh once his port has been accessed and his treatment is started, he really is strong and I really do wish I could make it all go away buy sadly I can't.
Nobody should ever have to go through such a scary diagnosis and no child this young should have to either, hospitals and doctors is basically all my son has ever known. His first 2 ever Christmases were spent there which is just super sad. I am really hoping this year things stay the way they are so he can spend Christmas at home and it will be super special. And also next year I am hoping he can spend his birthday at home too.
5
Comments
I am officially really tired.
I have been grieving for too long. I still haven't stopped grieving the lose of my friend, the loss of my brother, or the loss of my fiancé.
Being a parent is a challenging task at the best of times, and your feelings of being overwhelmed and upset are valid given what you and your son are going through with your respective health situations. You're both doing the best you can to get through things, but it sounds like a really difficult position to be in.
I can also hear how you're happy that you'll have more time to focus on yourself and your son with the time you spent with animal therapy reducing over the colder months. Given that the difference you make to the children that come, it further speaks to the difficulty of the situation you're in, if stopping something as fulfilling as this is beneficial to you being able to look after the two of you. It sounds like a difficult thing to stop, but you're trying to make the best decisions to help your family and I don't think that's awful. How do you feel about having to step back from animal therapy, is this something that you'll be hoping to return to in the warmer months next year?
You also mention grief, and the impact of losing your friend, brother and fiance are all difficult by themselves, let alone together. How do you feel about how you're processing your grief? You mention you've been grieving for a long time - why do you think this is the case? You deserve to be supported through this difficult period.
Dealing with any of these things in isolation is a big challenge, but having to deal with all of them together sounds like a really difficult position. To do all of that, while having to put on a brave face for others, it is entirely valid that you feel tired, overwhelmed and upset. You're doing your best each day, and trying to make the best decisions to help you and your son, and you deserve to be supported and heard as you go through all of this. Are there people in your life that are supporting you through this, even in some small way? We're here to listen to you.
Yeah I will definitely be starting it back up again in the warmer months.
I don't know why I am grieving for so long. Its hard and I get upset. All of those people meant so much to me. My brother had a rough life and so he came and stayed with me quite a bit as he was basically homeless for a while.
I have nobody supporting me with anything. It's me on my own as always.
I know me saying this won't change anything, but I just wanted to let you know that you're doing an incredible job - it can't be easy to keep going despite everything that's happening right now. You genuinely sound like a really caring mother, you're doing your very best, and that matters. Please take care of yourself, and we're here for you whenever you need to vent about anything
I also keep getting people who tell me to get a 'real' job. Like what the hell. I do have what they call a real job aswell as the other stuff I do. Helping people is one of the most important things to do.
I also have so much to do, I haven't even done the Christmas shopping yet. I am so unorganised it's literally Terrible.
I'm just fed up, I feel like I'm not good enough and that I'm not doing a good enough job at anything.
Thank you for sharing what your going through, and to echo what @Nemuritai has said you are honestly doing an incredible job.
Having people dismiss your job on top of everything else must be so frustrating. Would it be possible to have a conversation with them to make them aware that these comments are hurtful or if not could you maybe distance yourself from them?
I hear how you're feeling overwhelmed with everything going on at the moment and the pressure Christmas brings seem to be adding to this stress. Firstly I want to reassure you that this stress is completely understandable, Christmas can be hectic even at the best of times. Its ok to not have everything sorted right now. At times like this I can find it helpful to do a couple of little tasks that are sitting on my to do list. Sometimes I find even ticking of a couple of tasks can help you feel a bit more in control of everything.
I think you are such an incredibly caring individual, please remember to give some of this care back to yourself. I promise you, you deserve to show yourself kindness.
Oh yeah I do distance myself away from them, I don't even know them so I shouldn't care as much as I do but the words of complete strangers just get to me. Like they have no reason to put me down about my career just because they feel like it.
I don't even have a list of things I need to do, I have loads to do and a lot of it is like important so I have to try and get all that done while the hectic months are coming round. Christmas is chaos I never celebrate Christmas because I never had anyone do to that with so I used to spend it in church. The last 2 years I spent Christmas in hospital with my son (he wasn't my son at the time but I was always there for him). But this year will be my sons first Christmas not in hospital if things stay how they are, so I want to make it really special for him so I am probably adding extra pressure onto myself but it is for a good reason.
I'm just overwhelmed. I have so much to do, and I am constantly either busy or doing something. I am exhausted.
I don't think I'm doing a good job.
I'm glad to hear that you have been distancing yourself from the individuals who are making these comments. Has this distance helped at all?
I hear how your feeling exhausted and that you have a lot on your plate right now. However do you think you could potentially plan some designated time for you to rest, maybe do something that helps switch your brain off, even if its just for an hour?
I know it probably sounds really counterintuitive and like the last thing you need to be doing now. But a break may help you be better abled to make a plan of everything you have to do.
I believe that you will get everything done.
Honestly not really, I think it is probably because so many people have said it, it is now engraved into my brain.
I don't have the kind of time to do that. I try but there isn't much more I can do as I have absolutely no time at all to do something to switch my brain off.