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Comments
@Cutelivejazz I just want to say that the feeling you have of not mattering is deceiving, because you do matter. To everybody on here you matter. And if your so called "friends" and people around you can't see that, then it's there loss, not yours. You are not disposable or forgettable at all.
Now about your friend. As i said before, they didn't sound like a friend, and this just goes to show they aren't a friend at all. There's no such thing as too much venting, or being too negative when talking about things that are making you feel negative. Friends are there to support one another and to lean on during the hard times and vice versa. That's what true friendships are made of. If your "friend" doesn't want to be there for you whilst you need support, then that was never a friend to begin with and you are far better off without her. I mean, how can she complain that your "to negative", when she is friends with somebody who told you that awful thing a while back. And also, a friend wants another friend to succeed, and to do their best. That your "friend" was acting as though your studies and hard work is something bad that they are annoyed with is crazy. That isn't the kind of person you want to surround yourself with at all if you want to succeed. But at least you now know for certain. It's better to draw a line under it now, cut them off, and be done with them. You don't need people like that dragging you down.
And for what it's worth, you are entirely right about mental health support. I was denied any until i mentally broke in university, despite everything i suffered through. Even today with the mental safe haven i went to, it was just insane. The waiting lists for mental health support are long, and here's a little study that shows just how bad it really is: https://www.medboundtimes.com/medbound-blog/uk-grapples-with-second-worst-ranking
And your always allowed to use the word traumatic. If it traumatised you, then it is traumatic. And being forced to do counselling is not how counselling should ever work. It helps neither you or waitlists by forcing you into it, when you don't get on with your school counsellor and you don't want to do it with them. Nothing good comes out of it. Can i ask, the Mix has a counselling service that you could maybe access on a school computer. Just webchat based stuff, and i'm sure the mix could maybe help out in that regard. I think we spoke a bit about it a few weeks back but i forgot why you couldn't.
But either way, at least there is always this one little corner of the internet for you on the mix, where you can vent, and get listened to for as long as you need, no matter what. There is no such thing here as too much venting or being too negative at all here. And here's a positive thing. When your A-levels are done, then you'll be able to go to university, and have access to an abundance of mental health support. I'm talking classes in the same building as the therapy services and counselling services, so it just looks like your going to class when accessing counselling and therapy. Everything is completely locked to your university account as well, so nobody else can see it bar you. It really makes the world of a difference and i think it could really help you.
And i completely understand with the repeated apologising. I won't tell you to stop in future if it makes you more comfortable, but i just want to reassure you that you haven't done anything wrong at all. I have a bad habit of it too, especially in person. This might not mean a lot, but I did some research as to why i can't stop saying it about a year ago, and it's suggested that it's a sign of low self esteem and self doubt, and anxiety, especially social anxiety. So it isn't just weakness or even a choice really. It's caused by genuine mental health conditions, and is nothing to be ashamed of.
@Cutelivejazz yeah, still surviving day by day thankfully. Sometimes that's all that can be done until better times come along.
@Cutelivejazz don't worry, your not bothering anyone. I'm just slow with my replies.
@Cutelivejazz that really sounds like a heart breaking story. My kind of book is a bit different, but i need to start getting into those sorts of books. What's it called? I'm still going through my book voucher bought sharpe books - Sharpe's tiger, Sharpe's triumph, Sharpe's fortress, currently on Sharpe's Trafalgar, and Sharpe's eagle atm, but once i've finished, i want to give it a read.
@Cutelivejazz that does sound pretty crushing, but it is important to be able to possibly handle things solo in future from time to time. And also remember that it is still very early in the year. There is still group projects i'm guessing later down the line, randomly selected teamwork group tasks, and many future chances to make new friends down the line, even if things aren't so great on that front right now. So don't give up hope just yet. You have to hold on to hope until that better time. That dream isn't over until you say it is.
@Cutelivejazz Quality over quantity always makes the best authors. I'll add her books to my read list. Thanks for the recommendations.
@Cutelivejazz there isn't much i can say that might make this better for you, but i want you to know that this moment, though extremely difficult for you, is temporary and will pass in time. Anxiety has a way of impacting us physically and is always a struggle to overcome. You've managed it before, and your doing incredibly well handling it again. You are safe right now, you are among friends, take as long as you need.
@Cutelivejazz That's okay, it's understandable given how much there is going on for you, from more work being given, to being alone at times without your best friend there, to the staff generally not being supportive. It's understandable being hesitant to want to wake up tomorrow and go. The important thing to remember though is that things won't stay this way forever.
Now about the pomodoro technique, that's okay if it didn't work. It doesn't work for everybody, and there's plenty of other strategies that we can try. If you give me a day, i'll be able to find a few other strategies that might be worth a try. Given how overstimulated you are, how much you struggle to focus on this sort of stuff, how practical's in physics aren't a difficulty but things like homework and coursework is, it does hint at possibly having hyperactivity challenges. So, it definitely is worth just talking to a professional about it if your able to, or even just your pastoral teacher, just to be on the safe side, and to get the support that you deserve.
@Cutelivejazz it's understandable feeling that way. The version of him you knew, who helped you through the hard times, who meant such a lot to you, who was real to you, is hard to reconcile with the version of him he truly was beneath the surface. It is not messed up of you to want that kind of support you used to have, and to want that version of him who you thought he was, present but knowing what we know now, there's a whole other side to him that was truly monsterous, and he simply isn't safe to be around. Longing for a safe person and safe place, and a support system, when you don't really have any anymore is normal and not messed up. It just can't be that math teacher knowing what we know now. You're sixth form should be providing at least some kind of support staff who you can go to for that all.