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Struggling with loneliness (TW: mention of suicide, trauma)
Roselite
Posts: 4 Newbie
Yesterday I posted a story on Instagram asking if anyone else could relate to how I was feeling. In that story I shared a post which read "the people who love you would rather hear your struggles than see you in a casket", and then talked about how I find it difficult to open up even when I'm doing very badly mental health wise because I'm so worried my trauma will affect others and I don't want to overwhelm them. Also that I feel like I'm living a double life not talking to anyone about my mental health where no one knows that I'm struggling.
I posted that story with the hope that at least one person would reach out and offer their support or affirm that what the post was saying was true. But not a single person did. Two people hearted the story but that's about it.
I feel so alone in what I'm going through. Like no one in my life cares enough to actually talk to me about this. And I built up how scary it was to reach out to anyone in my head with so much fear for so long, finally did the scary thing as I reached a new low only for none of it to make a difference or actually matter.
I don't know what to do. I just want people in my life who feel like a safe space where I can talk about my trauma and not hold back for once. Who are willing to listen and understand. I do counselling sessions but only having that very brief time once a week to offload everything I've been going through? Not having any ongoing support throughout the week, feeling incredibly lonely with no support system outside of my sessions and no friends to talk about this with? It's hard. I'm struggling a lot.
I posted that story with the hope that at least one person would reach out and offer their support or affirm that what the post was saying was true. But not a single person did. Two people hearted the story but that's about it.
I feel so alone in what I'm going through. Like no one in my life cares enough to actually talk to me about this. And I built up how scary it was to reach out to anyone in my head with so much fear for so long, finally did the scary thing as I reached a new low only for none of it to make a difference or actually matter.
I don't know what to do. I just want people in my life who feel like a safe space where I can talk about my trauma and not hold back for once. Who are willing to listen and understand. I do counselling sessions but only having that very brief time once a week to offload everything I've been going through? Not having any ongoing support throughout the week, feeling incredibly lonely with no support system outside of my sessions and no friends to talk about this with? It's hard. I'm struggling a lot.
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Comments
You deserve to be heard and listened to. Having a safe space where you can be open about your feelings and experiences is something that everyone can benefit from. As mentioned above, we're here to listen to you and support you through this.
Thank you, I appreciate it. I'm sorry that you relate to feeling isolated too. It definitely gets overwhelming trying to keep track of absolutely everything I've been through in the span of a week that I want to talk about in a session, and even then there are plenty of times I never get to talk about everything because there just isn't enough time. So there's a lot of feelings that I think of as having no place to go. I know self-regulation is an important skill and I try my best to cope by myself but it helps immensely if you're able to confide in others, be listened to and feel loved, supported and valued despite your struggles. It's just unfortunate I have rarely if ever experienced that (in a lot of cases when I was younger I sacrificed my wellbeing to do that for others without receiving it in return).
Thank you. Yeah, worrying about whether others can handle hearing about.my trauma (and ultimately deciding against sharing it in case they can't) is a very regular occurrence for me because of how heavy in nature the trauma is. That must be why not getting a response from anyone when it came to my Instagram story was so heartbreaking — whilst I didn't outright mention what the trauma was, to open up about the fact that I was struggling at all felt like a big deal, just for those efforts to go unnoticed. It was a cry for help in a way, and not getting a single response felt like a resounding "we don't care" or "you don't matter".
It doesn't help that a lot of these friendships involve minimal interactions outside of going out places together, which (due to my chronic illnesses flaring up the past few months) I haven't been well enough to do lately. It feels like that's all these friends are for — a +1 if you're going to an event, or to temporarily pass the time with whilst you're out. Whenever I try to express some kind of emotional vulnerability in the hopes of a deeper connection it never goes anywhere and the other person isn't interested which leaves me sad and disappointed. Like you're only friends so you can say you have friends where it stays superficial. Maybe I just haven't had enough opportunities to meet people organically in-person, I don't know.
As for anything I've found helps during this time, to be honest not much. I do journalling to gain some clarity on my feelings or process them but that doesn't exactly help with the isolation. I also spoke to a couple helplines earlier this week when I was struggling badly, after posting the story, and felt like I had no one to talk to. I suppose that temporarily helps (for the duration of the call) but since I don't know the person on the other end and will likely never speak to them again I'm still left feeling empty and lonely afterwards just as I was before.