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I have fallen apart- also TW mentions of suicide and passings.
Animalloverb
Posts: 249 Trailblazer
I'm literally falling apart right now, I am holding so much, including Stuff I have never spoken about openly before.
Well firstly tomorrow is the anniversary of a friend who passed away.
TW- mention of suicide
I was always on high alert 24/7, if she needed me at night I would pick up the phone, no matter what I was doing i would always pick up.
When I was running to get to her that day, I fell so many times, I ran into so many things but I got straight back up and carried on, I was also in pain that day, I was unwell but I didn't care i needed to get to her, I used every little bit of energy in my body to get to her.
I was doing so well, but with her anniversary coming up tomorrow the memories of that day have become so fresh into my mind again, and I can't escape it.
I feel like this situation is also why I am so harsh on myself with my morning runs. Making myself go for these runs in the morning to make me become faster on my feet, to avoid something like that from happening again. Always pushing myself to my limits, if I fall I get up and keep running, if I run into something I just keep on running, if I feel unwell I just keep running. I do enjoy the runs I do, they are great but I do feel like I am doing them because I don't want to end up in that situation again.
The same goes for the gym, it's like yes I use the gym as a distraction, as a way to get a few moments for myself but even though I go there for that, I am also pushing myself to go, to get stronger.
The gym doesn't just help me get physically stronger, it makes me push myself to my limits, not letting anything stop me from going, not being light on myself, I go and I push myself, I make everything harder then it should be to make me push myself.
Also, a family member of mine that passed away 3 years ago, they died from cancer. Now we were not that close but I loved her and we had a decent bond when I did visit her. She was very religious, always talked about ghosts and God. The day before she passed I was going to visit her but she wasn't that well, I know she had cancer but she was sick and everything so I wanted to give her privacy and let her rest, but then I wake up the next day to get ready to go out for a while, and I got a call to say she has passed away, and I burst into tears, and I cried for such a long time. I spent that whole day crying and trying to distract myself, I drew, I made music, and even looked at the special card I made her for Christmas... she died not long before Christmas so that's why I had a card already prepared for her. And she had one for me, I still have that card now, and in the card she got me for Christmas, even though she was unable to give me it I was still happy to receive a final card from her, she had put money in it and I still have that money now, I just have not been able to bring myself round to ever actually spending it. And to be honest I don't think I ever will.
This isn't everything, but I just know tomorrow is going to such a difficult day for me with it being the anniversary of my friends death. Especially with everything else going on right now.
I'm not to mention anything else that it going on as this was hard enough to talk about. Especially since I haven't openly spoke about any of this before. And I don't want to torture myself much more right now.
Well firstly tomorrow is the anniversary of a friend who passed away.
TW- mention of suicide
my friendpassed away due to suicide, she struggled massively from her mental health and one day i got a call from her, she was very distraught, crying saying she is sorry but its time for her to go, to let go. I then instantly left my house and i mean i ran, i ran extremely fast to her house, still on the phone to her, telling her to hold on and thaf i will be their. I got there and she was gone, i did everything i could, i called emergency services and tried saving her but she was already gone
I felt so bad for her family, I failed her.I was always on high alert 24/7, if she needed me at night I would pick up the phone, no matter what I was doing i would always pick up.
When I was running to get to her that day, I fell so many times, I ran into so many things but I got straight back up and carried on, I was also in pain that day, I was unwell but I didn't care i needed to get to her, I used every little bit of energy in my body to get to her.
I was doing so well, but with her anniversary coming up tomorrow the memories of that day have become so fresh into my mind again, and I can't escape it.
I feel like this situation is also why I am so harsh on myself with my morning runs. Making myself go for these runs in the morning to make me become faster on my feet, to avoid something like that from happening again. Always pushing myself to my limits, if I fall I get up and keep running, if I run into something I just keep on running, if I feel unwell I just keep running. I do enjoy the runs I do, they are great but I do feel like I am doing them because I don't want to end up in that situation again.
The same goes for the gym, it's like yes I use the gym as a distraction, as a way to get a few moments for myself but even though I go there for that, I am also pushing myself to go, to get stronger.
The gym doesn't just help me get physically stronger, it makes me push myself to my limits, not letting anything stop me from going, not being light on myself, I go and I push myself, I make everything harder then it should be to make me push myself.
Also, a family member of mine that passed away 3 years ago, they died from cancer. Now we were not that close but I loved her and we had a decent bond when I did visit her. She was very religious, always talked about ghosts and God. The day before she passed I was going to visit her but she wasn't that well, I know she had cancer but she was sick and everything so I wanted to give her privacy and let her rest, but then I wake up the next day to get ready to go out for a while, and I got a call to say she has passed away, and I burst into tears, and I cried for such a long time. I spent that whole day crying and trying to distract myself, I drew, I made music, and even looked at the special card I made her for Christmas... she died not long before Christmas so that's why I had a card already prepared for her. And she had one for me, I still have that card now, and in the card she got me for Christmas, even though she was unable to give me it I was still happy to receive a final card from her, she had put money in it and I still have that money now, I just have not been able to bring myself round to ever actually spending it. And to be honest I don't think I ever will.
This isn't everything, but I just know tomorrow is going to such a difficult day for me with it being the anniversary of my friends death. Especially with everything else going on right now.
I'm not to mention anything else that it going on as this was hard enough to talk about. Especially since I haven't openly spoke about any of this before. And I don't want to torture myself much more right now.
2
Comments
Yhats a lot to be managing at this time and completely understand how much you are struggling at the moment and I a way it's natural. Its okay to be feelibg the way you are. Bereavement st any stage, for whatever reason can be hard thing to comprehend and things like anniversary's exact dates can make things feelibgs rise to the service.
I want to remind you, you did everything you could to save your friend and you were there to support her in every way possible. Its a real shame she has gone but this is not youe fault (nor is it theirs) that thy are no longer here. Having someone pass from suicide is painful. Ive ben through it with a relative passing through suicide but sometimes it helps me and brings comfort to b know that they went in a way that felt comfort for them. I dont know if that's the right thing to think but it helps me atleadt they had control over it rather than passing away in a hurtful, miserable way. Lets hope they are happier.
Again your family member passing away from cancer is hard- seeing someone detotiate is horrible. I imagine theres thst guilt emptiness if you were going to go and couldn't say the final bye. But you have she gave you the christmas card yes in a different way but you have it. It reached you.
There's no right or wrong way to deal with this nor is there a time frame.
We are here for you..
I am still struggling to be honest.
And as I said thats absolutely natural! You are going to find it hard but we can support you in managing it. Is there any particular bit your struggling with.
Not really, I am honestly just struggling with everything. I just can't really get the image out my head.
I have other stuff going on right now which makes absolutely everything so much harder.
Sometimes distracting yourself can help. Or allowing yourself to feel those memories by maybe writing down a note for them that you'd imagine as if your giving it to them, or memory box