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Rant on creativity and my lack of it
Amy22
Posts: 5,369 Part of The Furniture
So lately I want to get into colouring again and doing art like I used to. But I feel bad when I have to use tutorials to help me eventhough I'm aware that's what they're for. I used to reference things including artwork all the time because of my old to the point it restricted my routine. I'm on medication for my OCD and anxiety, I'm on a double dose of fluoxetine. It helps but I don't think it fully removes all of my worries. I gate having a brain that is always switched on, there's no off button for me at all. I try to relax but I can't.
So this is going to sound down right silly but the other day I had a thought that I needed to double check I referenced a youtuber colour with Claire who coloured in a book and I think I followed it for how to colour water as well as Johannesburg Basford but I can't remember now. So the other day I double checked twice. But now my brain wants me to constantly double check everything again I'm scared I'm going back to square one all over again and I've made no improvements. I've talked to my parents about it and they have been supporting me, it's just I feel like im having a low moment right now you know.
Right now I want to double check but I'm telling myself not too in the hopes my grain gets bored and gives up. Sorry for wasting time as usual I should be more worried about what's happening in the world yet I'm worried about tge tiniest tiny things I've done.
So this is going to sound down right silly but the other day I had a thought that I needed to double check I referenced a youtuber colour with Claire who coloured in a book and I think I followed it for how to colour water as well as Johannesburg Basford but I can't remember now. So the other day I double checked twice. But now my brain wants me to constantly double check everything again I'm scared I'm going back to square one all over again and I've made no improvements. I've talked to my parents about it and they have been supporting me, it's just I feel like im having a low moment right now you know.
Right now I want to double check but I'm telling myself not too in the hopes my grain gets bored and gives up. Sorry for wasting time as usual I should be more worried about what's happening in the world yet I'm worried about tge tiniest tiny things I've done.
Just a person who likes pop culture and films
5
Comments
Aw thank you so much I think im just having one of those moments right now.
and that’s okay @Amy22 . is there anything that could help rn with what’s going on? im here and im listening amy. you’re loved & cared abt.
I think I'm feeling a bit better now actually but I think maybe getting back into crochet could help again. I've been watching a lot of YouTube at the moment to district my brain because my brain just never switches off. I wish brains had like an off switch sometimes lol.
Aw thank you its just been like ages since I've felt this way to be fair. I just feel like I tend to be such a perfectionist and I feel the need to be always right and one step ahead of everyone else but I realised actually this might be taking a toll on me because then I feel tired and burnt out.
sending you so many hugs 🫂. im here for you always amy.
I really hear what you're saying, and it sounds like it is both frustrating and a bit frightening to think about old compulsions taking hold again. It sounds like you've been working really, really hard to resist the urge to complete that compulsion of double-checking again, though it's tiring when your brain is racing and there's no 'off-switch'. I can imagine that feeling so overwhelming at times, and particularly hard when you're not able to get true rest.
It's so positive that you've been able to speak with your parents and that they're being supportive. It's okay for your mental health journey to not be linear too, and for their to be ups and downs. That doesn't have to mean that you're necessarily going backwards, but instead, that you're riding the waves. In the past when you've noticed an urge to double-check or be extra cautious, I wonder if there's ever been anything that's helped to bring that anxiety down a little bit?
We're here for you, and you're doing so well to talk about this!