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(Suicidal thoughts) love isn’t an option for me
bignosegirly0
Posts: 315 The Mix Regular
Yesterday before I went to bed, I noticed the pretty colors on the trees outside, which was enhanced and complimented by the sun as well. As I stared outside my window for a bit, watching the wind blow through the trees and wind chimes, I thought to myself, “I’m genuinely glad I’m alive”.
And now I’ve emotionally hit rock bottom again. I was giving different orders out to different customers and the last one was an ex coworker who used to pick on me a lot for being undesirable. Nothing bad happened, but I was shaking intensely, even after the conversation. It didn’t help that we were in a rush hour and as everyone kept telling me to take orders out, I told them “I’m feeling panicky” several times and no one noticed. The panicking feeling then developed into extreme lowness, as I’m reminded that no one will ever desire me because I’m unattractive, and I’m better off killing my self.
In addition, the people ignoring me made me realised that most of these people don’t care about me and probably can’t wait for me to kill myself. It got to a stage where I ended up crying. One coworker did asked me if I was alright (she is someone who I’ve previously opened up to about feeling suicidal when I was at my worse) and I explained the whole situation. She was very supportive to me.
When my other coworkers asked what was wrong since I was crying, I straight up said “I really want to kill myself” and got no response.
Now I’m at home bawling my eyes out since I can. I just can’t fucking do this anymore. I’ve got another session in two days, but I just really wanna fucking give up. Not being able to find love is fucking unbearable. I wish I didn’t fear the consequence of failing so then I could just fucking end it all already. I hate being a femcel. Just put me out my fucking misery already.
And now I’ve emotionally hit rock bottom again. I was giving different orders out to different customers and the last one was an ex coworker who used to pick on me a lot for being undesirable. Nothing bad happened, but I was shaking intensely, even after the conversation. It didn’t help that we were in a rush hour and as everyone kept telling me to take orders out, I told them “I’m feeling panicky” several times and no one noticed. The panicking feeling then developed into extreme lowness, as I’m reminded that no one will ever desire me because I’m unattractive, and I’m better off killing my self.
In addition, the people ignoring me made me realised that most of these people don’t care about me and probably can’t wait for me to kill myself. It got to a stage where I ended up crying. One coworker did asked me if I was alright (she is someone who I’ve previously opened up to about feeling suicidal when I was at my worse) and I explained the whole situation. She was very supportive to me.
When my other coworkers asked what was wrong since I was crying, I straight up said “I really want to kill myself” and got no response.
Now I’m at home bawling my eyes out since I can. I just can’t fucking do this anymore. I’ve got another session in two days, but I just really wanna fucking give up. Not being able to find love is fucking unbearable. I wish I didn’t fear the consequence of failing so then I could just fucking end it all already. I hate being a femcel. Just put me out my fucking misery already.
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Comments
Here's some services
https://www.thecalmzone.net/
https://www.samaritans.org/donate-mental-health/?campaign_name=PAID2526_A&utm_source=google&utm_medium=psearch&utm_campaign=igrg_brand_search&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=21565411426&gclid=CjwKCAjwg7PDBhBxEiwAf1CVu8nmOXrdFgcrDbCwzPD2iJppCc4iADaagtyQ2ed_68bOvubEgK_4uRoCPsEQAvD_BwE
@bignosegirly0 please reach out and make sure you're always safe , you matter ❤️. It's relieving to hear you are safe, its extremely important to realise you matter and you're worthy ❤️. I have linked some helplines in my previous reply to you here too.
Thank you for sharing that you had been experiencing thoughts of suicide. I can imagine that feeling really overwhelming and I hear just how heavy the weight of not finding love and feeling undesirable is right now. It's unbearable at times, and we're listening. You're doing so well to talk about this.
Can I ask, how have you practically been able to keep safe since Sunday? It's really positive to hear you've got that appointment coming up too - can I clarify, is that with your therapist?