Anybody want to vent or chat about anything? (Triggering stuff edition)

DonnerKebab · June 13

River wrote: »

@DonnerKebab uts 24 degrees in my room 🫠

Painful. Have you at least got a window open or a fan or something to cool it down?

River · June 13

@DonnerKebab that was before they started shouting at me 🥲

Spam blocked on here 😂

DonnerKebab · June 13

@River that's out of order of them, to not only be shouting at you like that, but trying to make you do something that could be triggering. Bang out of order for them. For a helpline of all things, that's not only dodgy but outright dangerous for some people.

And i didn't actually know that spam filters were a thing on here. Is it like if you post enough times to quickly, it stops you from posting for a few minutes or something, cause it's never happened to me.

River · June 13

@DonnerKebab yeah 🥲 it was a strange chat with them tbh

Haha yesss if you post 2 times within 2 mins you get spam blocked

DonnerKebab · June 13

@River that sucks. Something i'll watch out for.

But yeah, by the sounds of it, helplines nowadays tend to be hit or miss. You either get somebody nice or caring, or somebody cold and triggering. It's sad.

Lottie5433 · June 13

Im lying here wide awake with thoights, i want to cry but cant.
Ive turned my location off from everyone
Im starting to dislike my group of "friends"
My head wants to explode. Thinking when is the "right time" to just stop fighting the thoughts and just let them in and take over, be in control.
Please ignore
I just needed to say something
Debating putting a socials post up and deleting all accounts I cant cope with anything tight now

River · June 13

@DonnerKebab yeah

My black dog - a lady on there screamed asking for my weight etc and called me anorexic

Kelly’s heroes - they telling me to lie to my doctor 😂

Samaritans - they telling me I have a medical condition on why I can’t eat - plus they insult me all the time when I talk about how I feel to them

Beat - went onto beat they said they aren’t a listening services…please make that make sense 🫠

Calm - they telling me can’t speak to them unless have active suicide plans

🥸 like give me a straight answer people

DonnerKebab · June 13

@Lottie5433 did you manage to see the post i put for you. I'll repost it here just in case you didn't see it.

DonnerKebab wrote: »

@Lottie5433 sorry for the late response. I understand not wanting to trigger people accidentally, but please remember that this is a place where trigger warnings are in place. You could even use the spoiler tags if you know what they are to hide it and just put a little warning on the top as to what the triggers are. And i understand being afraid of getting messaged again. You don't have to write anything you don't feel comfortable with.

And Lottie, i'm the stubborn type. I don't care if your responsible for war crimes, I ain't going anywhere. I promise that on my life. Just because others have failed you and let you down and used it against you in the past, it doesn't mean you won't be accepted and supported here friend. Nothing like that will happen by us. And i think i do get what your saying about how you wanted to give up but couldn't because of your responsibilities and needing to be the strong one. I went through that myself and it's the only thing that kept me going actually for a very long time. And i didn't want to tell anybody because i didn't want to many mental health issues on my record or to possibly be removed from my house and put into care due to my care role and living situation, so i kept zipped up mostly.

For what it's worth Lottie, i know exactly how you are feeling right now, hopeless, struggling, feeling unable to speak and being let down by so many others who you trust and should be there to help you. And as hard as it seems, it becomes somewhat manageable with time. If i had told 13 year old me when i didn't want to live but had to due to being a carer, if i had told him that he would develop coping methods over time and it became manageable and he would eventually start to feel better, he would have laughed at the idea. And honestly, there aren't any words i could have given him that would have made him believe it. But all i can say is as the 13 year old, now 23, 10 years on, mentally, i found ways to not only survive, but actually want to survive. The emotional numbness also helped me a lot to handle stuff. It wasn't even intentional, just naturally occurred after a while. I'm guessing it might be the same for you?

I wish i could offer you more advice or help some more lottie, but all i can say is i've been in similar shoes to you, and it does get better. Not overnight, but over time as hard as it is to see right now. And that this is always a place you can talk to me. If you want to know certain tactics i used or absolutely anything. I'm here.

You don't deserve to be ignored lottie, you deserve all the help and support in the world. Friends who aren't supporting you and loyal are not true friends. Turning of location and wanting to be distant and remote from everybody is normal in your circumstances, and just wanting to end social media and your social life is understandable. Being the glue holding things together and not getting basic levels of support back is brutally difficult, and you are such a warrior for holding on. Not wanting to fight off thoughts anymore and wanting to cry but being unable too. It's severe emotional numbness by the sounds of it and exhaustion from years of this all. I wish i could just give you a hug and make things better Lottie, but i can't. All i can do is to tell you that i was in a similar place, and it didn't get better overnight, but it did slowly, day by day over time. I even have therapy booked in, in a few months, as my next step. It might be worth trying to seek out therapy yourself friend. I see how much hard work your doing, again, being the glue holding things together for all this time, and i know it's been a long time by the extent of the emotional numbness, and i want you to know, i see how much your fighting on, how strong you are for doing so, and how much your struggling right now. Virtual hug coming your way whether you like it or not

DonnerKebab · June 13

@River have you had any positive experiences with any helplines by any chance?

River · June 13

@DonnerKebab yeah Samaritans once 😂

DonnerKebab · June 13

@River well, i guess that's something. Quite sad honestly that it's only one single positive helpline experience out of all of them for you.

Lottie5433 · June 13

I did see your comment @DonnerKebab I just didn't know what to say and I was at my bi's house and didnt want him to be worried or anything.

Thank you for the comment, i just dont know howmuch more I can take with it all.
I am awaiting therapy but is a 8-12 months waitlist and meant to have wellbeing calls every 6 weeks but I cant be ho est in those. I spoke to my gp today she changed my meds as I was trialling a new one ans shes in the mind that she will just keep increasejnf the dose until I basically have therapy to help the problems

But i don't deserve the help
Im a waste of space and time for these people

I think im just going to come off social media, distance myself. Then it cant hurt anyone

DonnerKebab · June 13

@Lottie5433 I don't ever want to hear you say that about yourself again Lottie. That you don't deserve the help, or that you are a waste of space and time. You are not any of these things. I can promise you that, it's not even a debate.

You are the glue that has held things together (sorry, i know i keep saying that but it's true) for others, and you should have from day one had the world of support. Even though you're going through a world of pain and hurt, you're still trying to take care of others, by not worrying them as you said. That is something only somebody with a heart of gold could do. That is something that is so so special about you lottie and don't ever forget that.

Sorry if i'm speaking out of term, but right now, you're at rock bottom. I've been there myself or at least similar, and it feels like it will never get better. Useless doctors, long waiting lists, all while struggling with battling dark thoughts. And it seems there's no light at the end of the tunnel, things have been so hard for so long, so many things have gone wrong and failed you and it just destroys your self worth. But please let me tell you, from personal experience, you are worth all the support in the world. You deserve all the help in the world. It's just that the damn system is broken and people who deserve it, have to wait for ages to get it. For me, it did slowly get a bit better. Not fully, not instantly overnight, but i got used to it, it became more tolerable, and eventually i worked on adapting. I started to see life in a different light, seeking the small moments of happiness in life as my lifeline. My point is, i think you are in a similar place to me when i hit rock bottom. And if you are, nothing i say will really make a huge impact. it wouldn't on me, but i just want to assure you, it can get better. I'm so sorry i can't make things better for you, but please know, i understand and care about you. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for, and i am so proud of you. You are a special person Lottie, never forget that. Sending another virtual hug

Sorry if this sounds like rambling at all.

Lottie5433 · June 13

Thank you @DonnerKebab you dont sound like your rambling at all.

I have to disagree though, I am all those things - just constantly being passed between people even my primary gp doesnt want to see me anymore coz im that broken.

I am at rock bottom but I hide it can't let anyone see me this way. Im jsut too broken for the system, I dont need their help just have to get on with it and let my thoughts control me they know what's best anyways.

Thanks again for your message the words brought tears rolling down my face

DonnerKebab · June 13

@Lottie5433 If i told you some of the things that have happened to me, you would assume i would be too broken also. my list of achievements include being sold by my uncle at 4, physical abuse, and being a carer at 11 onwards to name a few. No teenage years, childhood or any of it. no friends no socialising or going out. I have been failed by every single system in my life Lottie, and i have been at rock bottom before.

Please believe me when i say this, you are not too broken. The system is what is broken. People like us should have had support, help from it, but it let us down. But just because we have been failed by the system that is supposed to support us, it doesn't mean we ever deserved to be failed by the system. it just means those running it are a bunch of assholes.

GP's are overstretched, overworked, and as a result aren't caring like they used to be for a lot of people. I hate mine, i'm currently trying to get photo ID to sign up at a different one. They cost me a lot and hurt me a lot in the past. Not all primary GP's are the best anymore, and i think the majority of GP's will try and brush patients off to reduce their huge workloads in a lot of cases. In the case of my brother, i have to sort out his healthcare, and i have had some shocking experiences with his GP before. none of it means we are too broken Lottie, it just means the healthcare system is.

You are not worthless, or a waste of space. Nobody who can still manage to be as kind and caring as you are for others even under such hardship is ever worthless or a waste of space. As i say, when it's endless systemic failures for so long, with such hardship and no support, it destroys your self worth. That rock bottom, i've been there before, so i speak from experience. You are not any of those things. You are not to broken. there is no such thing. You are more special than you know, your just struggling to see it is all. Rock bottom seems like there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but i promise from experience. It can get better slowly, day by day. Not instantly, but it's just hard to see right now my friend.

You don't have to bottle it up or hide it anymore lottie. It'll hurt you in the long run and cause more pain. You do deserve help, and you shouldn't have to feel this way. And i'm sorry that they've let you down for so long, and ruined your self worth. You are amazing lottie, please don't forget that.

Again, i'm 90% certain this sounds like rambling. Sorry.

DonnerKebab · June 13

@Lottie5433 Sorry i took a while to type that

Lottie5433 · June 13

Thank you @DonnerKebab for sharing this with me. I can’t even begin to imagine the strength it’s taken for you to survive all of that and still be able to offer so much compassion and encouragement to someone else. Your words truly mean more than I can say.

You’re absolutely right — the system is broken, but so am I. It’s hard not to internalize evwrything but yeah.

I’m so sorry for everything you’ve endured. No one should ever have had to go through what you did — especially not so young. But your resilience, your empathy, and your ability to still see the light for others even in the darkness speak volumes about the person you are.

Thank you again for your kind thoughtful words. I’m sending you strength and respect — you’ve been through alot

DonnerKebab wrote: »

@Lottie5433 Sorry i took a while to type that

No worries about it. You have better things to do anyway and probably should sleep

DonnerKebab · June 13

@Lottie5433 I can't sleep till my brothers asleep. Just incase he has meltdowns, so i don't have better things to do. Besides, even if he was fine and asleep, you are 100% worth staying up to offer support too friend.

The reason i brought this stuff up Lottie is because there was no end of times I didn't think i deserved support, or help, or anything. Times i felt broken beyond repair, and that i was a lost cause, especially at rock bottom. And seeing you in the same place, thinking the same is why i told you this. Because you deserve support, care, love and kindness, even if you struggle to see it right now. You are not broken beyond repair, and there is still hope things get better. And i want to show you that I was what you could consider broken beyond repair, and whilst i'm still working on it, i'm getting better bit by bit. Not overnight, not instantly, not even rapidly, but rock bottom, no matter how hopeless, wasn't the end of the line. It did get better despite it being impossible to see. And the same can happen for you. You are struggling so much lottie, and you're still so kind to others and compassionate. It speaks volumes about you too. You are a special deserving of support. None of it is your fault, it's the broken systems fault.

Please know, you deserve so much more. How your feeling right now, your struggles and situation. You deserve happiness care support and love, not any of that suffering. And i'm here to remind you of that. You are not too broken. And as for it being hard not to internalise, well, it's impossible not to. We're only human. But that doesn't make it true. I wish i could give you a hug right now, but your gonna have to settle for a third virtual hug tonight

and all the strength and kindness i can back to you. It can get better, it's just hard to see. You are resilient and strong too, and i want you to remember that.

River · June 13

I can’t sleep

DonnerKebab · June 13

@River same. Want to talk about anything?

River · June 13

@DonnerKebab just feeling uncomfortable and agitated, are you okay?

DonnerKebab · June 13

@River Yep, surviving as usual. What's got you agitated and uncomfortable right now?

River · June 13

@DonnerKebab what’s wrong

DonnerKebab · June 13

@River nothing, just a bit of a saying i've got. Surviving day by day you know.

River · June 13

@DonnerKebab yeah I say surviving and thriving, you just don’t seem yourself friend

DonnerKebab · June 13

@River thanks, but i'm honestly okay. Thank you for asking, and thanks for calling me friend. It's the most awesome feeling being called that cause it's rare for me. 😂

River · June 13

@DonnerKebab awwww, you are my friend

DonnerKebab · June 13

@River you are an awesome friend too. Thank you.

shannon_164 · June 13

River wrote: »

@DonnerKebab yeah

My black dog - a lady on there screamed asking for my weight etc and called me anorexic

Kelly’s heroes - they telling me to lie to my doctor 😂

Samaritans - they telling me I have a medical condition on why I can’t eat - plus they insult me all the time when I talk about how I feel to them

Beat - went onto beat they said they aren’t a listening services…please make that make sense 🫠

Calm - they telling me can’t speak to them unless have active suicide plans

🥸 like give me a straight answer people

hey @River - i get what you’re saying about beat though they are an action focussed helpline as opposed to a listening service but they have online support groups too, some are specific to an eating disorder eg anorexia, but there are also support groups for eating disorders in general (you don’t require a diagnosis for either). in case it helps, i have been getting support from first steps ed - they have been absolutely amazing! i’m using their befriending service specifically, you have the option of phone or email, i picked email so a girl emails me twice a week and honestly, she has been so so supportive - you have 6 months of support from them too!

DonnerKebab · June 13

Hey, still online, if anybody wants to chat.

Anybody want to vent or chat about anything? (Triggering stuff edition)

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