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Being assertive
Redemption
Posts: 3,518 Community Veteran
I’ve realized that I need to work on being more assertive. Lately, I’ve been driving this guy to football, even though I’m not taking part in it. He doesn’t drive, which is fine, but it’s not my responsibility. It’s costing me fuel, time, and effort, and I’m not really getting anything out of it. I enjoy driving, but it doesn’t mean I should be expected to do this for other people, especially when it’s taking away from my own time. I could be relaxing or doing things that are important to me, like support sessions that really help me feel better. It feels like I’m being asked to do this just because I have a car and I’m the only one who can drive him. The thing is, I don’t know this guy well, he’s not really a close friend, just someone I play football with.
Helping people, especially family and those who help me, is important. But it needs to be a two-way thing. If I’m being helped, I should also be there for others. I can’t just keep helping without expecting to be helped in return or at least make sure I’m not taken for granted. I need to make sure I’m not being used or that I’m not just helping because it’s expected of me. I want to help people back who help me, or maybe help others first to keep that balance. At the end of the day, I don’t want to feel like I’m being taken advantage of, and I don’t want to use anyone else for my benefit either. It’s about maintaining fairness and healthy boundaries in all relationships.
Being assertive is something I’ve needed to work on for a long time. I’ve realized I can’t keep putting myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. I’m going to start focusing on it now, and I just wanted to talk about it to get it off my chest.
Helping people, especially family and those who help me, is important. But it needs to be a two-way thing. If I’m being helped, I should also be there for others. I can’t just keep helping without expecting to be helped in return or at least make sure I’m not taken for granted. I need to make sure I’m not being used or that I’m not just helping because it’s expected of me. I want to help people back who help me, or maybe help others first to keep that balance. At the end of the day, I don’t want to feel like I’m being taken advantage of, and I don’t want to use anyone else for my benefit either. It’s about maintaining fairness and healthy boundaries in all relationships.
Being assertive is something I’ve needed to work on for a long time. I’ve realized I can’t keep putting myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. I’m going to start focusing on it now, and I just wanted to talk about it to get it off my chest.
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Comments
it sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of thinking about boundaries and fairness, and i think it’s great that you’re recognising what you need. it’s true, just because you can help doesn’t mean you have to, especially when it’s costing you time and energy that you’d rather spend on things that actually benefit you!
being assertive can be tough, especially when you’re used to putting others first, but it’s not selfish to set limits. you’re completely right that relationships should feel balanced, and it’s okay to step back from things that feel one sided. if this situation is draining you, maybe you could have a polite but firm conversation with him?
i think it’s really good that you’re working on this - you deserve to spend your time and energy in ways that feel right to you. proud of you as always!
always here for you
@shannon_164 I really appreciate that and your support never goes unnoticed. You’re right, just because I can help doesn’t mean I always should, especially when it’s draining. Setting boundaries isn’t easy but I know it’s something I need to work on and hearing this from you helps reinforce that. Having that conversation might be the best step even if it’s not the easiest. Always grateful for your support and please remember I’m always here if you need anything too, I hope you never forget that. We're both not alone ❤️.
It does sound like it is starting to feel really frustrating to be driving this guy to football, and ultimately, feeling taken advantage of. That's hard, The Nightmare, and not nice at all to have the sense that perhaps this guy might be asking you only because you have a car and can drive. There's something in there about not feeling properly valued for you, perhaps, but more for the services you offer? And that can sting. That can feel hurtful, and it feels really valid that resentment might build
I wonder, what do you imagine being assertive with this guy might look like? If you felt free to say and speak exactly what is on your mind, how do you imagine you might set a boundary with him, or to articulate what you do and do not feel comfortable doing going forwards?
I wonder too how you might like that conversation to take place ideally? E.g. in-person, via text, over the phone?
We're here for you as you continue to explore this and that theme of assertiveness elsewhere in your life too! I will share below some resources that might feel helpful for you if you're interested:
https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/relationships/how-to-set-boundaries-in-relationships-49416.html
https://www.hfehmind.org.uk/news/ways-to-build-better-boundaries/
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/blog/how-i-learnt-to-set-boundaries-with-a-friend-for-my-mental-health/
@Sian321 hey, thanks so much for your thoughtful reply and for sharing those helpful links. I really appreciate it. I'm doing okay at the moment, just taking things day by day. I definitely think you're right about how frustrating it feels to be taken advantage of, and it's something I've been reflecting on a lot. I think being assertive would get the guy to make his own way to the football or not go to it if he isn't able to get there, which would be more suitable for me, even though it’s one less player. If I were to set a boundary, I’d probably just ask him to get his own way to the place. I’d prefer to have the conversation in person, as that’s where I’d ideally want it. I feel more encouraged to try setting this boundary, but I’ll take some time to process before I do anything. I hope you're doing well too, and thank you again for your support. I'll check them links out.
Does anything usually help you to process things? For me, I think it is about knowing I can do things in my own time, at my own pace and in the way I want really helpful, as well as writing things down. However, I recognise different things work best for different people.
We are here with you if talking it through or writing it down would help to process! Have you been able to access any of these links yet? If so, I am wondering if you would like to share more with us about how you have found these links
@Laura_tigger82 Thank you so much for your kind words and support. It really helps to hear that it’s okay to take my time with this. I usually find writing things down helps me process, too. It allows me to sort through my thoughts, especially when things feel overwhelming. I haven't had a chance to check the links yet, but I will definitely take a look soon. I’ll keep you posted if I feel like sharing more. Thanks again for being here, great to see you again Laura.