(TW for graphic content) I often feel violent

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• Azziman Discussion Boards Moderator Posts: 2,458 Boards Champion

  January 4

  Hey @bignosegirly0, thank you for sharing this with us here, I can hear how it's not something you say out loud normally.
  
  From what you've said, it sounds like you've been through a lot. People have hurt you a lot, and you're still hurting. When we feel hurt and vulnerable, it's natural to become defensive to protect ourselves from further harm, though it may also mean that we approach non-threatening situations in the same way in fear of being hurt again.
  
  That feeling of hurt might then be amplified by two things you mention - a feeling of injustice that these bullies haven't had any negative repercussions for treating you this way, and hypersensitivity (both to the pain endured, but also to that feeling of injustice). Given that, it makes sense to feel that things are unfair on you. And combining all of this, it seems reasonable that this could all manifest in a lot of frustration and anger. With these experiences, I think your feelings are valid.
  
  That being said, there's a couple of things I should point out. Firstly, I don't think that this necessarily makes you a morally bad person. You recognise that there's a problem and are honest about that; you're able to recognise the emotions you're feeling; and you've sought help from a therapist before. These are all good things to do, but importantly, is also the harder path to take in working things out. Secondly, while these are extreme thoughts, they are being driven by valid and real emotions based on your experiences. That doesn't make the actual actions okay, but it's clear that you're hurting a lot and your feelings really do matter. Paying attention to them is not easy, but you've managed to do that enough to recognise them, which is a big step in the right direction. You deserve to have those feelings respected.
  
  Just as this pain was caused to you over a long time, it might take some time to work through these emotions, and having support on that journey can help - both professional (e.g. therapist) and peer (e.g. friends, family, us here!). The good news is that you're already taking some good steps on that path. If you're concerned that there's another disorder going on, it's worth going to a GP to talk about it. If there is, they can help you find out what that is; if not, then they can offer support and services on how to work through this pain you're feeling.
  
  Speaking to a therapist again might also help you to work through these emotions you're feeling, in a dedicated space where they can listen to you. And of course, feel free to lean on family, friends, and those you trust about what you're going through. We're here to listen and support you through this journey as well

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