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Struggling to cope with feelings and feeling stuck
Radical
Posts: 17 Settling in
Ok full disclosure I'm typing this really late and feeling tired so if anyone replies I'm sorry I probably won't look at it until the morning but I hope to get around to is ASAP 
Hello me again I guess. So yeah... this'll be a little bit of a longer post again like my last one. I'm going to essentially be continuing on from the last one so if you want the backstory if you will then you can read that one.
I'm stuck in a really bad rut right now honestly. I still really love this girl mentioned in the other post and can't stop feeling bad about how I annoyed her, it gets to the point that sometimes I just breakdown crying (I tend to do it when no ones around me since nobody asks any questions) and end up just beating myself up (emotionally not physically) for hours on end. I haven't seen her for years at this point and everyone else I've brought this up to always ends up at the same place. Friends tell me I'm being silly and need to move on, parents tell me I just need to move on and think having one conversation about it just makes my problems and feelings magically go away. And like yeah I don't disagree with them? Liking someone like this for quite literally 7 years at this point must seem so silly to everyone and maybe it is to you guys too and please believe me when I say I've tried to move on, I've tried being into other girls but all the time I end up going back to this girl. I know she has a boyfriend and is perfectly happy never seeing me again but I sincerely just want to apologize for what I did, I feel so stupid and these depressive cycles that happen nearly daily at this point are really taking their toll on me. The constant tears, going from not being hungry to wanting to devour everything in front of me, to not wanting to move at all, to right now wanting nothing more to be out of my house. Not to mention the weird sleep patterns that keep developing on account of me stressing and crying late into the night.
Anyway there's something else about this that's been bothering me about all this. We live in the same town and I've been constantly playing through scenarios of what I might say to her if I ever ran into her naturally. And let's say for purposes of this post it works out, I apologize and we start to be ok friends. I would probably ask her to hang out around town in this case, go to the gym, just go shopping and hang out. You know, simple stuff I do with other friends if I get the chance. I worry if this were the case that my feelings that I have for her that extent long past being friends would start to come through and make things awkward between us. I wouldn't be trying to start a relationship with her like that, I want to respect the fact she's found someone she's happy with but I also really want that feeling myself and I just want a good friend. In truth where I live I don't have anyone to hang around with which makes me destroying that potential relationship initially the worst feeling I've felt for a while. I have never truly told her how I feel straight up, it's always either been through someone else subverting me or I've told her through my typical garbled way of talking. If anything I'd want her to know that my feelings for her that I've tried to demonstrate over the years are genuine and wasn't just a phase I was going to. And maybe I'll never tell her properly, and ordinarily that should be ok right? But I've tried everything I can think of to try and figure out what to do next but nothing seems to work.
I care about her so much and while I would love to start a proper romantic relationship with her, I know that I can't and if I do mend this relationship one day and we become friends I don't know how I'd be able to reconcile these feelings I have with just being a good friend and worry that my attempts at being a good friend might come off as romantic and just ruin things.
I get all this last part is truly all hypothetical but this is what happens. I constantly overthink scenarios and end up collapsing under the weight of my problems. Right now I'm really not sure where I'm supposed to go in life. It feels like I haven't achieved much and I keep thinking about this girl. I don't want to be this way forever, but I fear that's the way its going to be. If I have loved her for 7 years, how can I be sure this won't happen for another 7, 10 or hell worse case my whole life.
So yeah, I'm sorry for dumping all this here and thank you for reading this far, life's been really tough for me with my feelings and unfortunately I don't exactly see a light at the end of the tunnel for my problems and I must stress that I'm trying to better myself. I've tried to talk more with others but it feels like nobody can understand how I feel properly (and wait times between mental health appointments are months apart) , I've tried getting on dates with other girls but nothing feels right and I know I don't feel anything for them, I've tried just bettering myself or rather distracting myself with stuff like the gym but it feels like I hit a dead end every time and on my worse days I'll cry on my own just wishing I would shrivel up and disappear because then I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I truly feel at a loss right now on where to go and not sure what guidance could possibly help me
Thanks from Radical.
Hello me again I guess. So yeah... this'll be a little bit of a longer post again like my last one. I'm going to essentially be continuing on from the last one so if you want the backstory if you will then you can read that one.
I'm stuck in a really bad rut right now honestly. I still really love this girl mentioned in the other post and can't stop feeling bad about how I annoyed her, it gets to the point that sometimes I just breakdown crying (I tend to do it when no ones around me since nobody asks any questions) and end up just beating myself up (emotionally not physically) for hours on end. I haven't seen her for years at this point and everyone else I've brought this up to always ends up at the same place. Friends tell me I'm being silly and need to move on, parents tell me I just need to move on and think having one conversation about it just makes my problems and feelings magically go away. And like yeah I don't disagree with them? Liking someone like this for quite literally 7 years at this point must seem so silly to everyone and maybe it is to you guys too and please believe me when I say I've tried to move on, I've tried being into other girls but all the time I end up going back to this girl. I know she has a boyfriend and is perfectly happy never seeing me again but I sincerely just want to apologize for what I did, I feel so stupid and these depressive cycles that happen nearly daily at this point are really taking their toll on me. The constant tears, going from not being hungry to wanting to devour everything in front of me, to not wanting to move at all, to right now wanting nothing more to be out of my house. Not to mention the weird sleep patterns that keep developing on account of me stressing and crying late into the night.
Anyway there's something else about this that's been bothering me about all this. We live in the same town and I've been constantly playing through scenarios of what I might say to her if I ever ran into her naturally. And let's say for purposes of this post it works out, I apologize and we start to be ok friends. I would probably ask her to hang out around town in this case, go to the gym, just go shopping and hang out. You know, simple stuff I do with other friends if I get the chance. I worry if this were the case that my feelings that I have for her that extent long past being friends would start to come through and make things awkward between us. I wouldn't be trying to start a relationship with her like that, I want to respect the fact she's found someone she's happy with but I also really want that feeling myself and I just want a good friend. In truth where I live I don't have anyone to hang around with which makes me destroying that potential relationship initially the worst feeling I've felt for a while. I have never truly told her how I feel straight up, it's always either been through someone else subverting me or I've told her through my typical garbled way of talking. If anything I'd want her to know that my feelings for her that I've tried to demonstrate over the years are genuine and wasn't just a phase I was going to. And maybe I'll never tell her properly, and ordinarily that should be ok right? But I've tried everything I can think of to try and figure out what to do next but nothing seems to work.
I care about her so much and while I would love to start a proper romantic relationship with her, I know that I can't and if I do mend this relationship one day and we become friends I don't know how I'd be able to reconcile these feelings I have with just being a good friend and worry that my attempts at being a good friend might come off as romantic and just ruin things.
I get all this last part is truly all hypothetical but this is what happens. I constantly overthink scenarios and end up collapsing under the weight of my problems. Right now I'm really not sure where I'm supposed to go in life. It feels like I haven't achieved much and I keep thinking about this girl. I don't want to be this way forever, but I fear that's the way its going to be. If I have loved her for 7 years, how can I be sure this won't happen for another 7, 10 or hell worse case my whole life.
So yeah, I'm sorry for dumping all this here and thank you for reading this far, life's been really tough for me with my feelings and unfortunately I don't exactly see a light at the end of the tunnel for my problems and I must stress that I'm trying to better myself. I've tried to talk more with others but it feels like nobody can understand how I feel properly (and wait times between mental health appointments are months apart) , I've tried getting on dates with other girls but nothing feels right and I know I don't feel anything for them, I've tried just bettering myself or rather distracting myself with stuff like the gym but it feels like I hit a dead end every time and on my worse days I'll cry on my own just wishing I would shrivel up and disappear because then I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I truly feel at a loss right now on where to go and not sure what guidance could possibly help me
Thanks from Radical.
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Comments
Your feelings are valid - even if you are not feeling how you think you should be feeling, based on what other people have said. The respect you still have and the awareness of your feelings is really important. You have mentioned, more broadly, that you are unsure of your next steps.
In an ideal world, what would you like to be happening in your life right now? It sounds like repairing the friendship with this person is really important to you but also maybe broader life things (especially life achievements). Am I hearing that right?
We can hear how dark things for you right now and, equally, how much you are really trying. What sort of mental health support are you seeking at the moment? You mention waiting lists are particularly long and we recognise this challenge but we also recognise there are other services which are here for you.
We are here with you and recognise how brave you are being in sharing this with us, even though it feels like you are stuck and do not know what guidance would help you. We can hear how you want things to be better for you and you deserve for things to feel better for you
Thanks for reaching out
So I guess, if I were living in my ideal world right now instead of constantly thinking about fixing things with this girl I like I would be asking her to hangout around the town we live in. And in the most ideal world I would want to be in some kind of relationship with her. But I know realistically that isn't possible and I wouldn't want to force a relationship even if I could wave a magic wand and make my own perfect world. I want to genuinely know how she feels about me and try my best to apologize for the stupid stuff I did. When I have been to counselling I've been told it wasn't my fault and that I didn't mean to hurt her feelings but to me it doesn't matter what I meant by messaging her but it matters how my messages were perceived, which is rather poorly. I honestly don't have many long term goals at the moment and most of my thoughts are surrounding her which isn't ideal I guess
I am actively reaching out for help from within my university and have an appointment for next week but that's taken a month to get since the last one so I suppose I'm coming here to ask for any help and advice you guys might be able to offer.
Like right now I want to at least try to fix things but I don't know how. Should I try messaging her online again first? If I run into her in town by chance should I try and talk to her in person? If it goes poorly what do I do? If it goes well how do I balance my feeling romantically that I still have for her with just being a good friend? Should I tell her I still like or rather love her if I get the chance?
As you can see already I'm overthinking a scenario that hasn't even happened and maybe never will. But as silly as it may seem I really don't think I'm going to get over this without confronting what I did to her in some form. Even if she doesn't care about it, I do and I guess I just want to know she doesn't hate me. She is genuinely the sweetest, goofiest and smartest girl I've ever known and probably will never meet someone like her again. And owning to my severe lack of friends in my day to day life, fixing my friendship with her and trying to just have a consistent friend I can talk too is really valuable to me.
I just feel so pathetic and helpless all the time and I'm not sure how to go on from here or if anyone can reasonably help me and feel like such a lost cause
If that's right, do you think there's any harm in dropping her a message to explain how you're feeling? Alternatively, have you tried journaling or drafting what you would say to her if you could?
Hope you're feeling a bit better today
Hi thanks for the kind words. I have messaged her a while ago but the message hasn't been seen so either she A ignored it or B just hasn't seen it which is probably likely so I don't really want to message her again and have a repeat of last time. I have written down numerous times what I wish I could say to her if I got the chance but as of yet it hasn't made me feel better.
Today was really rough if I'm being honest. I went to the gym earlier today and had a huge wash of panic rush over me thinking I saw her in the gym. Turns out it wasn't her but then later on in the day I was just checking out what everyone I know was doing today and I had just missed her by like half an hour. It wasn't my intention to run into her today but now I find myself beating myself up about not being able to say something to her. And now that I know she goes to the same gym as me (admittedly it's the only one in town) as much as I want to confront this I'm scared of going there again. I keep thinking how she might react to seeing me there and given our last interaction I can't imagine it being very positive which is all the more upsetting. I don't want to come off as creepy or weird for what would have been a coincidental meeting.
And when I learnt I had just missed her I've spent most of the rest of the day huddled away in my room crying not sure what to do just staring at the last message she sent me telling me we weren't friends and just beating myself up about being such an idiot. I know doing this isn't healthy of course but I just keep doing it because I know all this is my fault. I don't want to never see her again, if anything I want to see her all the time but I feel like such an idiot right now. I honestly can't find my way out of this hole and not sure anyone can really help me.
I'm also really sorry I can't seem to offer anything positive in these posts as right now everything just feels so tough and horrible. I just wish I could block is all out
It's understandable to worry about the possibility of running into her. And it's also understandable that you might feel conflicted about it having things you feel you want to say. Do you think it would help to be able to say some of the things you've written down but not been able to share? Sometimes I find even getting the words out (or written!) can help in itself, but always also feel free to share some more of your thoughts on here if you think it would help to work through them with some support.
I also wanted to say well done for being so open in your posts. It really sounds like a difficult situation and I'm sorry you had such tough day and it took such a toll yesterday. How are you feeling today?
I've been writing a few things down and talking to myself as if I'm having the conversation for real but it doesn't really help me that much. I guess, to me at least, it's not real so I don't get any satisfaction or peace of mind from doing it. I know what I'd want to say. I'd start of being saying hi and asking if they were busy and if they would like to chat. If they say yeah to hanging out I'd start by apologizing right out of the gate so that's out of the way. If they are busy I'd then at least offer an apology before they walk off and ask if we could hang out another time.
I just don't know if that's enough you know? I don't know if you or anyone else have any advice to offer in the department of making up with someone. I suppose my case might be pretty niche since I haven't been able to properly see this girl for a few years but honestly I'll take any advice you guys can give.
I've just been catching up on these posts and reading what has happened. I think its great that you feel able to share this with us and I'm sorry to hear that your family and friends aren't offering much support.
Situations like this can be pretty tough as I understand that you want to make up with her but she has set a boundary that you don't want to cross.
Were you able to include an apology in the message you sent her?
Another way you could try make amends is, if you do bump into her, maybe asking for a fresh start. Perhaps giving her a quick apology and asking to start over? This could take the pressure off of you as you can share as much about the situation surrounding messaging her as you want, and it offers her the chance to share her thoughts on the past situation and the one moving forward.
I did manage to include the apology in the message I sent her in fact the whole message was essentially that. Here's a the message below (I've removed any mention of her name for obvious reasons lol) Honestly reading it back I find myself cringing at it tbh. Feels like I come off super desperate
So yeah that's what I sent a few months ago just on a whim after feeling especially bad. I'm not surprised she hasn't seen it or anything it was quite the long shot but I suppose part of me was really hoping she'd be able to reply but I shouldn't feel entitled to a response even if she sees it.
As for what I'd say if I met her, yeah I'd probably essentially echo what I said in a message and just try to talk it out with her. I don't really know how that'll go down if it actually happens but I really hope I can at least smooth things over and be able to move on with maybe a new friendship to boot.
I'm not sure who else to talk to in order to help calm myself down. The constant crying and trying to get away from everything is taking its toll on my sleep, eating patterns and overall health (despite me near obsessively going to the gym to cope) and everyday it feels like I'm just spiraling down further and further with no hope of escape
Thanks for sharing that, it takes a lot of strength to be so open about something that you're struggling with
To me, the message doesn't sound too desperate, I think it just sounds like you care a lot about how you've made her feel, which just shows how considerate you are.
I'm so sorry to hear that this situation has been taking a toll on your health, it sounds difficult because you've got no sure way to get through to her. But it sounds like, in terms of communicating with her, you've done all that you can. Unless you bump into her in person, it's up to her to decide to read and respond to the message as you said yourself.
You've done the best that you can to smooth things over with her.
It sounds like you're being pretty hard on yourself and it's getting hard to keep up with everyday life, that's a super tough spot to be in. If one of your friends or loved ones had this happen to them, do you think they should be this hard on themselves? What advice would you give them in this situation?
Hi there @Matthew_04 and everyone else on here. Sorry I've been gone so long I've been dealing with some pretty heavy things regarding my mental health so I've been trying to take a break from the internet for a bit
To answer the questions you posed in your reply, no I probably wouldn't expect friends or loved ones I know to be this hard on themselves and if I was an outsider looking in I probably wouldn't see it as that big a deal which is why I tend to not tell people when I do have a problem.
I guess I just don't know how to make myself feel better, the constant bursting into tears when I think about it, whenever I try to do something to occupy myself all I feel is demotivated and immediately give up and cry, my sleep schedule and diet have taken a nose dive. My mental health hasn't been all that great these past weeks not matter what I try and I'm genuinely scared because I don't want to feel like this forever but at the same time I just can't seem to think of a way out.
sorry to come back and essentially dump how I'm feeling on here I just don't have a better platform to do it on
I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment, it sound sounds like you have a lot to deal with and it's really taking a toll on you. Well done for reaching out to us, that is really brave and we are here to listen
You said you feel your mental health isn't great at the moment - is this something you have thought about sharing with your GP or someone else you feel comfortable with?
Remember you are not alone in this and all of us are here to support you whenever you need
I just wanted to share a few other places where you can talk to someone for more support and guidance (if that's what you feel like you would ever want / would help you)
Also I totally hear you when you say it's easier to reach out on the boards - so do keep doing that when you need to
Thanks alot. I've started emailing with Samaritans over the past week and it has been very helpful to talk to someone who won't openly judge you for feeling the ways that you do. I love the few friends that I have but sometimes they do just brush off how I feel which is disheartening.
This is probably a little silly but I just want all my bases covered since calling and talking to someone about myself over the phone scares me a little bit
You do not deserve to be judged, especially by those who care about you and you care about. However, it can also be a lack of understanding sometimes. We can hear how disheartening this is though - is there anything which might help you to manage this? We are also here to listen to you and not to judge you
If so, Samaritans have a helpful guide on what to expect when you call which you might like to look into.
Mind have more info here on what to expect when you call their various helplines - they have helplines depending on whether you're looking for support, info, or legal advice.
Childline also have their own guide on contacting them and what to expect.
Yes it was. I'm going to try calling them today since I'm at a pretty big low point today so I'll see how that goes. I'm pretty nervous about it but hopefully I'll calm down during it and hopefully not cry too much. If I feel confident enough afterwards I might share why I'm feeling so down here but I'll see. Thank you for the links to those guides. They're very helpful:)
Yeah alot of the time I think my friends and family just don't quite understand how I feel. I never have felt they've done it on purpose or with malicious intent but I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to communicate my feelings to them. Especially my family. I've tried talking to.them, writing it down for them to read etc and it just doesn't seem to click with them I don't think. Not only that considering this is all over a messy relationship/misunderstanding with a girl from a few years ago it's also super embarrassing to bring it up to them.
I'm sorry to hear that you don't feel understand by friends or family. Sometimes loved ones can try to understand, but they might not be able to fully grasp the emotions and experiences that you're going through - still, it's positive that you tried to communicate with them. I can hear how it's difficult to talk about this with loved ones though based on the topic. I wonder if there's a friend that already knows about the girl that you could talk to? We're here to support you through this
Thanks alot @Azziman I really appreciate the support here of just having people being open and honest with me. Unfortunately though I've been consistently getting cold feet whenever I dial their number and immediately hang up and start panicking a little bit. I'm hoping to actually do it either after work today or sunday. I know it's something I wanna do.I just gotta power through the fear I have. I'll update you guys when I eventually do manage to call them.
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It's okay to still feel so for someone you loved, even years later. I think you'll find no one forgets their first love; it is indeed a very powerful experience. It must be very difficult to experience those feelings while those around you tell you to move on. Maybe a step forward could be to ask yourself, "Why am I still holding on to her?" Sometimes feelings linger because of what a person represents in our memories—the possibility of love—rather than who they are today. To lessen those hard feelings that stem from past love, I'd suggest diving into your interests, goals, and self-care to nurture your growth and happiness. Letting go is a process and not something you have to do all at once, but building up yourself and your life will make room for a new love.
Your feelings of sadness could be grief over lost love, and dating other girls hasn't replaced that love yet, but don’t lose heart. Lost love isn’t the only love you’ll have. I know it can feel like no one else could ever compare, but when you allow yourself the space to heal, it opens your heart to the possibility of love again.
One thing that might help you process these feelings is to write her a letter that you don’t send. Sometimes putting those thoughts and emotions on paper can help release them and bring some peace, even if it’s just for you.
Your story doesn’t begin and end with her. Closing the pages on one chapter will allow another one to begin. It sounds like you have a big heart, which means new love can only follow.