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Lonely
JJLemon18
Posts: 2,049 Boards Champion
I think I talked a bit about this before but I really feel the need to vent about it again. Warning: Its long... as usual.
Today I've been out the house for quite some time; I had CBT in the morning, and then had to travel to uni for a welfare meeting, to get there I had to take the bus and also have a 30 minute walk (both ways). Its not something I do often, nor something I've done for a long time now. I'm currently very much stuck at home for many reasons.
It felt very different today, I wasnt as anxious as I always was, it was generally a very positive journey. However, there was a gloomy depressing feeling that kept creeping up on me the entire time...
During the trip I felt very peaceful, content, I was looking at all the people around me minding their own business, living their own life in parallel to mine, existing together. It felt nice, and I felt part of it like I never did before. I even took off my headphones for most of the journey and tried to take everything in, which is not something I've done in a very long time! Two people even asked me for directions all of a sudden!
Almost a year ago I went to this one random society meeting (which I never went to before), and I felt so anxious and out of place, but I got to talk a little with someone who was new there and also seemed a bit lost. It was nice, but that was it, I never went again, and I didn't think too much of it since.
Today, when walking back from uni, this same guy was cycling on the other side of the road in the direction I was heading, he turned around and nodded to me with such a sincere, beaming smile you dont see often! It took me by surprise but I still smiled and nodded back. It was such a lovely, pleasant (even if small) interaction that really made my day. It felt like a scene you'd only get in movies, and so it took me a while to process it.
He remembered me, how?? It been so long and I remember being super shy and not that talkative. Yet after all this time he recognised me and then decided to gesture in such a nice and welcome way!
And what made this situation ever more poetic, is the fact this was probably one of the very last times I will ever be walking back from this university... :')
For once, I felt a little bit part of this massive world and the community I live in, it really felt nice. But also, it made me feel really depressed... like I always do after going out in public
Its like I'm being shown this community that I 'could' be part of, a world that I'm 'missing out' on... its just so sad to cope with, all I feel like doing is withdrawing into my house even more not to see any of it.
Its like the world is trying to show me, like with the guy, "Look. Nice and friendly people exist. But you missed out on all of it. And now you're coming home from uni for the final time, alone..."
In a way, my existence feels like I'm living on the moon, alone. And I will occasionally take (draining) trips to earth just to take a look at what the world looks like here, before going back and wishing my world could be like that too.
The trip today lasted 2 hours, yet to me it felt like a week!
There was so much more I wanted to talk about (including things discussed during CBT), but looking at how long this post already is, I think its best saved for later or a different post entirely.
Sorry idk how anyone might reply to this, it feels like something you'd read just to make you feel sad but it made me feel so much better getting it all out.
Seriously, thank you so much for reading
Take care
Today I've been out the house for quite some time; I had CBT in the morning, and then had to travel to uni for a welfare meeting, to get there I had to take the bus and also have a 30 minute walk (both ways). Its not something I do often, nor something I've done for a long time now. I'm currently very much stuck at home for many reasons.
It felt very different today, I wasnt as anxious as I always was, it was generally a very positive journey. However, there was a gloomy depressing feeling that kept creeping up on me the entire time...
During the trip I felt very peaceful, content, I was looking at all the people around me minding their own business, living their own life in parallel to mine, existing together. It felt nice, and I felt part of it like I never did before. I even took off my headphones for most of the journey and tried to take everything in, which is not something I've done in a very long time! Two people even asked me for directions all of a sudden!
Almost a year ago I went to this one random society meeting (which I never went to before), and I felt so anxious and out of place, but I got to talk a little with someone who was new there and also seemed a bit lost. It was nice, but that was it, I never went again, and I didn't think too much of it since.
Today, when walking back from uni, this same guy was cycling on the other side of the road in the direction I was heading, he turned around and nodded to me with such a sincere, beaming smile you dont see often! It took me by surprise but I still smiled and nodded back. It was such a lovely, pleasant (even if small) interaction that really made my day. It felt like a scene you'd only get in movies, and so it took me a while to process it.
He remembered me, how?? It been so long and I remember being super shy and not that talkative. Yet after all this time he recognised me and then decided to gesture in such a nice and welcome way!
And what made this situation ever more poetic, is the fact this was probably one of the very last times I will ever be walking back from this university... :')
For once, I felt a little bit part of this massive world and the community I live in, it really felt nice. But also, it made me feel really depressed... like I always do after going out in public
Its like I'm being shown this community that I 'could' be part of, a world that I'm 'missing out' on... its just so sad to cope with, all I feel like doing is withdrawing into my house even more not to see any of it.
Its like the world is trying to show me, like with the guy, "Look. Nice and friendly people exist. But you missed out on all of it. And now you're coming home from uni for the final time, alone..."
In a way, my existence feels like I'm living on the moon, alone. And I will occasionally take (draining) trips to earth just to take a look at what the world looks like here, before going back and wishing my world could be like that too.
The trip today lasted 2 hours, yet to me it felt like a week!
There was so much more I wanted to talk about (including things discussed during CBT), but looking at how long this post already is, I think its best saved for later or a different post entirely.
Sorry idk how anyone might reply to this, it feels like something you'd read just to make you feel sad
but it made me feel so much better getting it all out.Seriously, thank you so much for reading
Take care Believe in me - who believes in you
7
Comments
Welp. That no longer applies, I didnt even get to talking about that part...
I’m here for you 🧡
I’m glad that interaction with the guy made your day – I agree that interactions like that are rare and appear a lot in the movies. I’d be surprised if a stranger I spoke to a while ago recognised me when months have passed by. I’ve got those moments when I feel like I’m ‘gone’ or the world disappeared, so I tend to feel disconnected from the world (more often when I’m at home or if I haven’t been outside in a while). I prefer the world in my mind to the one I’m living in for various reasons, and I wish it existed in this world.
The world has nice and friendly people who you’ll always find. They’re out there and always will be so you’ll never miss out. You haven’t missed out on anything either - you’re an amazing person who makes the world a better place, and you have a special place in the world.
It's so nice to hear that you felt able to experience the peace and felt part of something. We all want to feel calmness and community, and it sounds like you were able to enjoy that for some time
I hear that you're not happy about the experiences you've missed out on in the past. You're not alone in feeling that way, quite a lot of people can relate to feeling like this in some regard. But also, the past isn't a guarantee of what will happen in the future.
Like you say, nice and friendly people exist, and there are communities out there that you can be a part of. We're not able to change the past, but perhaps we can do something to improve how things look in the future. And if there's a recognition that there are people and communities out there that you hope to be a part of, then that's a good place to start
Truth be told, the way to be a part of those communities is to go there and be present in them. Even simply being around and engaging with those there is a great way to starting feeling like you're a part of it. Communities take time to grow, and it'll take time for you to find your place within them. But in time, you will. We'll be here every step of the way to support you
@eylah hiya sorry for the late response. Thank you
@AnonymousToe Thank you. I appreciate it, I know its not easy to come up with something to say to a post like this haha.
Thing is, there are no suitable groups or clubs near me, at least I haven't found any (not that I searched too much tho). And there isn't really anyone from uni I could try to contact again, I'm pretty much fairly frequently in contact with them already, and half of them don't even feel like friends
@IsThisJustFantasy I relate to this so so much, mainly because I very rarely leave the house. You tend to forget there is a world outside that you could be taking part in...
Thank you so much. Sending big hugs
@Azziman Thank you
Again. Thank you all so much for the replies
hope your okay!