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I want to change my personality
PetiteQuark
Posts: 47 Boards Initiate
Im thinking of changing my personality. Like i just let people do whatever they want, like I 'let people walk over me'
I used to get bullied alot when i was younger, and it felt horrible. Im still kinda afraid of people now.
But im thinking of being more assertive and i want to stand up for myself more.
Like i think i made a post on this before, like i think one of my dads former colleagues (or boss idk, ive never seen her since i was little) basically made horrible comments towards me (specifically,
Also ive dealt with invalidation alot, and thinking about it its technically a form of control. Like people controlling the way you feel because they just want someone to have power over. But i dont want to be controlled. I dont want to be someone's 'power trip' like i want to be more assertive to prevent people from bullying me in the future and to prevent people from thinking im weak, and im not weak.
Its just im kinda disgusted at how someone who barely knew me basically pissed me off, and because of my age, decided that my experiences, my emotions my thoughts are worth nothing, not knowing that ive been told that im nothing for so so so long. Its not like im in year 6 - im in year 12 im in college. Ive been through alot, ive moved houses way too often, ive been to america for a couple of months and back to the uk, ive been told to give up, ive done a series of tiresome exams and ive had to retake one of those exams a few weeks ago, and this was all in 2 years, ive actually been through more but id rather not say. And im pretty sure other 16/17 year olds have similar experiences.
i will never tell someone younger than me that their thoughts and ambitions and everything they have is invalid whatsoever, because you may never know what they went through and emotions are relative to us.
Besides from being assertive, i also feel like i want to just be more motivated and determined. Like i am determined i dont just give up so easily but sometimes i just feel like i cant do anything anymore. Like i just want to be a more confident and assertive person in general. I also want to stop being so stressed and anxious but i don't know how to.
I used to get bullied alot when i was younger, and it felt horrible. Im still kinda afraid of people now.
But im thinking of being more assertive and i want to stand up for myself more.
Like i think i made a post on this before, like i think one of my dads former colleagues (or boss idk, ive never seen her since i was little) basically made horrible comments towards me (specifically,
she made comments towards my legs and my weight
, and invalidated me and she assumed that she knew everything about me when she clearly didnt) i realised i should never had let that happen. Like she also asked if i had a boyfriend and not to hang out with boys (seriously thats so stupid if she knew me so well, she would've known i went to an all girls school lol and that i move way too much) she just felt so controlling and these things she shouldn't say and she shouldn't have acted like that eehhhhhAlso ive dealt with invalidation alot, and thinking about it its technically a form of control. Like people controlling the way you feel because they just want someone to have power over. But i dont want to be controlled. I dont want to be someone's 'power trip' like i want to be more assertive to prevent people from bullying me in the future and to prevent people from thinking im weak, and im not weak.
Its just im kinda disgusted at how someone who barely knew me basically pissed me off, and because of my age, decided that my experiences, my emotions my thoughts are worth nothing, not knowing that ive been told that im nothing for so so so long. Its not like im in year 6 - im in year 12 im in college. Ive been through alot, ive moved houses way too often, ive been to america for a couple of months and back to the uk, ive been told to give up, ive done a series of tiresome exams and ive had to retake one of those exams a few weeks ago, and this was all in 2 years, ive actually been through more but id rather not say. And im pretty sure other 16/17 year olds have similar experiences.
i will never tell someone younger than me that their thoughts and ambitions and everything they have is invalid whatsoever, because you may never know what they went through and emotions are relative to us.
Besides from being assertive, i also feel like i want to just be more motivated and determined. Like i am determined i dont just give up so easily but sometimes i just feel like i cant do anything anymore. Like i just want to be a more confident and assertive person in general. I also want to stop being so stressed and anxious but i don't know how to.
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Comments
@PetiteQuark It's great that you're wanting to better yourself and not allow people to have all their bearings on you, and it's a really good first step to recognise when others have treated poorly and identify ways to prevent it in the future.
The one thing I would say is that you don't need to undergo a whole personality change to better yourself - you can be 2 things at the same: e.g. reserved and assertive.
Additionally unfortunately sometimes circumstances are unavoidable, where people may be insensitive and invalidate you no matter what you do. I'll use the simple example of parent's evenings at school where the extraverted students may be called 'too loud' and advised to "talk less", and the introverted/reserved student may be called 'too quiet' and advised to "talk more". In reality, there's nothing wrong with being introverted or extraverted, but the subliminal messages both individuals get can be really harmful. We need all sorts of people in society, otherwise it would be really boring!
Although it's really difficult to endure these circumstances, and at times, frustrating, it's a valuable lesson to learn from others how not to go about saying/doing something.
It sounds like you're really empathetic and acutely aware of the magnitude of these situations, and recognise this is not something you would ever wish to intentionally do to someone else, as you understand how it can affect people. It's an extremely good trait to have.
However there's some situations where sometimes you can't win, so you just have to hold your head up high and be yourself, even if others don't see the true value of it.
I agree, invalidation can definitely be a form of control others may use against other people. I just wanted to add some other possibilities people might invalidate others. Some people intentionally invalidate others, minimising their experiences to hurt them. Others invalidate people unintentionally due to being in denial or not fully taking in what you're saying. For example, this may be seen with parents that aren't comprehending the magnitude of their child's mental health issues, or may have an underlying layer of guilt, even if it wasn't preventable. Some people invalidate people unintentionally, and actually have good intentions, but just set about things the wrong way - either by saying or doing the wrong thing. For example this can be seen with toxic positivity, where an individual's experiences may be glossed over and they feel invalidated by being told to "just be positive". Others invalidate people without realising as they may be under the impression that they are just joking around, not realising they've gone too far and said something that's hurt someone.
There's lots of different reasons invalidation happens, and it's not nice either way, but it just helps to be aware of why it might happen, as some people don't even realise that they might've upset someone, even when that might be the last thing they'd want.
Also, you're definitely not weak, whether the invalidation and bullying happens or not. Sometimes we don't realise how we're going to react in certain situations until they happen there and then. Lots of people, particularly after arguments, think of things that would have been useful to say in the moment, but it only came to them once they had time to clearly reflect on the situation afterwards, once it's happened.
It's great you want to improve yourself, but make sure you don't put too much pressure on yourself! Do you know why you sometimes feel like you can't do anything anymore? It might help to identify that to help better understand yourself and how to potentially render it.
Is there anything in particular that you're stressed and anxious about, or is it just everything?
It's normal to have a small degree of stress on occasion, but if it's happening to you longer term, then that's when it might be an idea to try and look after your mental health, either through taking a break, self care strategies, or if it's really severe and impacting your day-to-day life, reaching out externally to someone, whether it be college, the GP, or third sector services such as charities for some support with how you're feeling. We're here to support you on The Mix, so don't be afraid to reach out here if and when you need to, sometimes it helps even to just talk through what's going on
I hope this helps!
Its just that im not sure exactly how to become more reserved and assertive . i want to stand up for myself more and be reserved aswell (im a bit introverted too)
I think its because of my gcse results and well, how alevel physics (students) can be like, i think thats the reason i feel upset and demotivated.
Im retaking my gcses (still on the 16-18 retake course) but ive done my maths retake in november because i paid privately, i feel a little hopeless. Im not exactly even sure if my college will allow me to do alevels if i get my results in January, i wanted to do my maths retake in November so i can get onto alevels sooner.
But i agree with you on the causes of invalidation. Besides physics i also kind of wanted to do psychology alevel alongside physics, but i was advised against it and to do physics chem and maths (my mock grades were good, not my actual gcse results however)
Unfortunately there can be a big superiority complex or a degree of elitism, particularly within those studying the natural sciences, but as difficult as it can be, I wouldn't pay much mind to it. There's lots of kinds of intelligence, it doesn't just end at academic intelligence - there's also emotional intelligence among others too.
You might be able to speak directly with your college via email or a meeting on an individual basis to see if they would allow you to do a-levels. The good thing about colleges is that they're much more flexible so would take various things into consideration, so long as you can prove that you are well suited for the course - having dedication, i.e. you're not planning on dropping out, and determination to keep persevering when things get tough.
I studied Higher Psychology (Scottish equivalent to a-levels I think), despite my school not offering the course, or even any school links to a college that did, and I found it quite straightforward. I did have the help of a tutor, but I don't see any reason why you couldn't study it. I absolutely loved the subject and really enjoyed the course, so after my college Social Science course, I'm hoping to study it at university.
Although your grades can give you an idea of where you're at in the moment, it shouldn't determine whether you should do a subject or not. I was working at a D in Nat 5 English (equivalent to GCSE) for a lot of the year and with lots of work, in my final exam I got an A, so I wouldn't let grades dishearten you
I don't mind being seen as passive aggressive actually, i mean people think im too passive and think it's ok to treat me horribly. Maybe, because im on the shorter side so they assume im weaker physically/mentally or whatever (im not) so i want to just stand up for myself more and seem a bit less 'passive?'
And yea there is a sort of superiority complex, which was actually one of the reasons i feel like reconsidering physics and well science in general, even though i had (have?) so so so much love for physics (and also that ive been told to give up)
Ironically, it was the college i applied back in november last uear but then rejected me in august due to my actual gcse results that i am thinking of applying to. I might look elsewhere aswell but idk. The college where im going to now told me to wait until September but im not sure if i would even want to wait by then because ive already done my GCSEs what am i even doing with my life just repeating something over again, thats boring.
I actually have a grade 4 in physics (triple science higher tier) right now, and a grade 3 in maths foundation (ice recently done a maths retake and i did higher maths for that, idk my results yet but theyll come out in January)
So im unsure if they'll even let me do physics if i get good maths grades + a 4 in physics. (Im not sure what my grades are in the scottish system)
It akso kind of sucks because everyone else is doing actual science, this was what i had dreamt of; actually doing science, when i was in secondary school i couldn't wait to do my alevels but there was just so much academic pressure when i was doing my gcses, academic pressure and the superiority complex were the two things that are making me reconsider doing physics and stem subjects. Im not sure why is there even a superiority complex anyways, in college im pretty sure all the students there are 16+ (idk if anyone can do alevels earlier) and i think 16 year olds should be more mature and not think they're superior just because theyre doing a 'hard' field, because all fields can be difficult not just STEM subjects. I actually found history quite difficult back in secondary school especially because i dont really like talking about wars and how unfair and horrible people can be,and because you have to memorise so many dates and places.
As for the superiority complex, chances are, you've probably just had the unfortunate experience of talking to some people who think they are better than us, just because of what they study. Hopefully, this is just a select few people though. I did a-level biology and as-level chemistry and I can't think of anyone who was in my class who thought they were better than others. Try not to let this put you off- remember, the people you spoke to won't be in the same class as you, if choose to study physics for a-level.
You are also right that many subjects can be difficult, not just the STEM subjects, so there really is no need for anyone to have a superiority complex.
You mention in your first post that you'd like to have more confidence, and feel less stressed and anxious, but you have also mentioned that the academic pressure and superiority complex of others is putting you off. It might be that when you are in a more supportive environment, your confidence will naturally develop, and you may also feel less stressed and anxious too. It's less trying to change yourself, and more trying to make changes around you to allow you develop