If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
How can I get a lot of sex whilst single?
This discussion has been closed.
Essential support for under 25s
Comments
But @David I have to ask, do you follow redpill or incel creators? (e.g. WheatWaffles or Tate)
I ask because your language is straight out of their playbook - women being the 'gatekeepers of sex', '20% of men are allowed access', 'chads get all the sex'. Plus the idea that your looks are the sole factor, and treating this as a puzzle you can solve if only you find the missing piece.
There is truth in what you're saying - the dating market can be tougher on guys (particularly those of us not conventionally attractive), there are some unhelpful gender norms that can hurt men, and the chronic loneliness and lack of physical affection in some men's lives is crippling. A lot of people don't understand or take it seriously and that's a real problem. It sucks and it can feel like it defines your entire life, especially if you add other personal barriers on top of that.
But the redpill crowd isn't addressing these problems. It's a sea of grifters making money from the real pain of other men, selling them solutions that don't work, and radicalising their followers.
Two of my now best friends started going down this route, but what actually ended up helping them was meeting girls who cared about them, made them feel loved and safe, and getting therapy to understand the serious emotional needs beneath the surface. The redpill stuff will dig you deeper and deeper into an increasingly depressing and dangerous hole.
I don't know if this post is helpful or unhelpful and I don't mean to sound presumptuous (I'm also quite personally invested in this subject so sorry if I come across as opinionated!). I've just seen this with other men in my life, as well as how much their lives improved when they got out of that echo chamber and started embracing new ideas.
As others have said, this is an emotionally safe place to unpack how you feel more deeply, if you'd like to.
A gay or female version of me could obviously get as much sex they wanted to & would be approached by many would-be lovers. Wanting - but not being able to get - casual sex is almost exclusive to straight males, though I've heard of several cases of trans people & lesbians being in that situation. Being straight & male means that the burden to approach, initiate conversation, chat up, ask out, arrange, escalate, provide etc. is 100% on me. The tiny number of female approachers take their pick from the huge male crowd & of course they usually pick Chads.
I've tried many dating & hookup sites & apps. Like most guys, I got nowhere on there. The gender disparities between supply & demand mean that the top male decile get a lot of action, the second decile get some & the rest usually get none.
Those terms & statements are now commonplace & international. They're not jargon or confined to a subculture. Most pickup artists are scammers who con disadvantaged men by selling them techniques that don't work. I've not previously heard of WheatWaffles, so I can't comment on them. Andrew Tate is horribly arrogant; he views most people as worthless & to blame for all their problems. Even if he's entirely innocent of the crimes he's accused of, he's still repulsive. Bizarrely, he hates high-body count women, whilst he boast of his harem. I've watched videos by various mainstream creators. Much of what they claim is contradictory &/or clearly untrue &/or impossible. I can't believe anyone who says something like: "A year ago, I was a skinny virgin living in poverty in a shed at the end of my grandparents' back garden; now I'm a ripped Chad who lives in a mansion with three supermodels."
Most men are valued only for what they provide, not for what they are. Most of their partners only value what they give them, where they take them, how much they spend on them etc. If he stops doing those things for her, she'll quickly replace him. Most of their bosses only value their work. If his work performance reduces substantially, the boss will quickly replace him & forget him. If Gabby Petito had been Gabriel, if Nicola Bulley had been Nicholas, the media coverage of their disappearances & deaths would have been less that 1% of what it was, and would've been confined to the local news.
I need to work out how to be widely viewed as appealing as a no-strings lover rather than as a friend, provider or boyfriend.
This site gives a strong impression that it advocates for sexual freedom - including having sex whilst 100% free & single - so I expected useful advice about how to get sex on its own. Doing that should be quicker, cheaper, easier & simpler than having a relationship, as it's asking for a lot less. I expected to be made aware of effective techniques for flirting, chatting up & seducing as well as being advised how to ask for sex; how to suggest having sex.
If no-one here is willing & able to give me the info I need, could you please tell me where I can find it? I don't want to be condemned to suffering relationship misery or celibate misery as my only two choices for the rest of my life. I'm horrified that, six decades after the sexual revolution began, most of the male population are still barred from enjoying the sexual freedom that was meant to be available for everyone.
No-one here has berated you as far as I can tell, but it's hard to make suggestions to someone who comes across in an entitled and, frankly, slightly rude way. This forum isn't designed to be a chat-bot answer machine, you're talking to real people who are trying their best to be helpful. If you're finding that the answers you're getting are not what you expect, it may be you need to alter your own view of things somewhat. You may think you're being clear, but it's still quite a vague request. You want a quick and easy solution, just like when I have stomach ache, I want the pain to go away. We cannot provide quick-fixes but we can listen and be empathetic to the difficulties you have described, and you may find others here who can relate.
While not the same thing, I feel a huge sense of frustration and loneliness when I see other people in any form of close relationship, it feels as though it's something everyone else has and I don't because I'm not good enough, I have too much social anxiety, I'm too needy, I'm unlikeable etc. I think 'if only I could change xyz about myself, I'd be likeable and feel ok with other people.' But that's all my own perception, not necessarily truth. What I actually find helps me feel more connected with others is when I feel more confidence in myself, a sense of self-worth and purpose in my life. I know you're not seeking emotional connection as such, but what I'm trying to say is I can relate on some level, even if it's not the same.
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
But keep in mind that people won't tell you something if they don't think it will help. So if you come here asking for advice on what to wear or exactly what to say, you won't be given that advice if people responding to you don't think that will actually make a difference. It's not that people are refusing to give you what you want - it's that people don't think it will help.
It's also incredibly difficult to give you that advice based on forum posts. If we knew you personally I imagine it would be easier to suggest outfit changes, or even 'review' a conversation you had with a date and see where you might have been able to improve it. That kind of thing might be really helpful for you but it's not something we can provide here.
Even if someone here described their exact experience for how they got casual sex, you wouldn't be able to follow that and reach the same goal. People and situations are so different, and it's so case-by-case, that the best thing you can probably do is learn some social and interpersonal skills and apply them to the different situations you find yourself in.
I genuinely believe that you'll have more success in your casual sex quest if you try and be a little bit more emotionally engaged. That doesn't mean being in a relationship, loving the person, or even really caring that much about them. A lot of it can just be actively listening and asking them questions to make them feel seen and show an interest in who they are. I'm pretty weird and my friends are pretty weird, but we're good listeners and have some strange interests that we like to ramble about. That kind of thing goes down really well when you're trying to meet new people.
What I've just said above IS a type of flirting by the way and is an approach you could use. But it means being more emotionally and socially engaged with the other person.
If want you do just want raw pickup advice and stuff, this may not be the right crowd. Keep in mind you're talking to a community of young people - not suave womanisers.
I will apologise for assuming the redpill stuff. I was getting such a strong vibe from what you were saying but I probably shouldn't have leapt to the conclusion. I think it's a really good thing that you don't embrace those ideas and I would encourage you to lean away from your current outlook, because I think it's hampering your ability to get what you want.
I'm not saying that anyone here has berated anyone for being single or wanting to be. Millions of single people have been berated for that by friends, family, classmates, colleagues, neighbours etc.
A long comment of mine which I posted here yesterday was removed within minutes. Today it was reinstated & appears to be exactly how it was before.
I'm not saying that anyone here does know how I can gain the success I seek; I'm asking if they do. A technique that is often successfully used by others may or may not work for me.
Many popular, mainstream creators - such as Benjamin Seda & Billie Ray Brandt - claim that anyone can easily become successful like them. They don't acknowledge how privileged they are. They falsely claim that lacking height, wealth, status, charisma, good looks etc. aren't major disadvantages.
If you go round saying "I just want sex and that's it" it will put women off. You need to approach it all in a healthy way. I know you say you don't want a relationship and that's perfectly fine but maybe you should go into it as if your looking for a relationship. Get to know women and explore that part and yes it may lead to sex but you've taken the time to get to know women and built a healthy connection before getting straight into sex.
The last thing you want (correct me if im wrong) is to go jumping straight into bed with someone and for it to be unhealthy and het hurt by it. You could be having sex and look at the other person and think "oh I don't know anything about them or anything" and that could lead to awkwardness or whatever else you could feel.
I think you should weigh up the pros and cons instead of diving into something. Hope this helps and I mean everything I said in the nicest way possible.
I appreciate that you didn't intend to sound that way, thanks for explaining that. I really am trying to understand and I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. And I really get how difficult it is when your needs or preferences differ from the mainstream, and may be seen as bad by some people simply because they're different. There's nothing wrong with what you want, it's just that going about it isn't necessarily straightforward because it also involves other people and what they want, which is just as important.
One thing I thought I'd mention (as it was mentioned by someone else I was talking to earlier), is have you tried looking into joining aromantic communities (like Facebook groups maybe?) I don't know a huge amount about it, but a lot of people who use the term aromantic don't want a romantic relationship or don't find themselves romantically attracted to others, but some of them do want sexual relationships. Just thought I'd throw that out there as it hadn't occured to me before and although you may or may not want to describe yourself as aromantic, you might be more likely to meet people who want the same thing as you, and/or can relate, in those kinds of circles
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
Looks are a major part of how we're perceived & treated. They're the main reason I'm not considered to be hookup material.
How can I build a good connection without being put into the friend, provider or boyfriend zone? I'd say that sex buddies tend not to have a close emotional connection.
My personality isn't great either. I try my best, but I can't pretend I'm popular even platonically. I'm an introvert & my friendships aren't close. I'd love to be a confident extrovert - my life would be significantly better if I were - but I can't see how I can be.
I only found out about this site this month. I expected the S&R part of the forum to have many threads in which members ask how to attract, approach, chat up, seduce etc. a particular person they know, whom they're attracted to. I also expected to see many threads asking how be more appealing to attract more admirers. I'm surprised & puzzled to see how relatively few of those types of threads there are here.
Hey @David, just to jump in on this - our system has an automatic spam detector which picks up posts across the forums. The post goes into a queue for us moderators to review to check if it is indeed spam or not. Sometimes a few posts get picked up which shouldn't have. I have reinstated your post now - so please don't worry about anything in that regard. I have verified your profile now so it shouldn't happen again