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How can I get a lot of sex whilst single?
David
Posts: 92 Budding Regular
I love having sex. I also love being single. How can I combine those & frequently have no-strings sex whilst staying 100% free & single?
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There are many things I dislike about being in a relationship, but only one thing I like, which is sex. I'm glad to be free & single again, but I miss having sex. Ideally, I'd have several sex buddies, but even having one - or just occasional flings - would be a major improvement on my current, frustratingly celibate life.
Keep in mind that even a casual relationship is still a relationship, and the people you meet will want to have fun, feel connected to you, and feel wanted as a person. Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you're going into this with a much more detached attitude, which could be the issue.
With the exception of paid sex workers, the people you date (even the ones who want casual sex) will want it to be more than just a transaction.
How do those dates usually go? What do you talk about? It might help to know a little more about how the interactions between you and your dates go so we can unpack it a little.
I'd much prefer to be detached from most aspects of the lives of my future lovers, and even more importantly to not have anything to do with their families & friends. I don't want the burden of trying to prove I'm good enough for their daughter/sister/niece/friend.
I don't want it to be a transaction at all; I want it to simply be that she & I are quickly attracted to each other, so we choose to have sex together. Most dating is transactional in so much as he's paying for the costs of the date, which is him paying her for her time & attention. It's often said that the burden of paying for dates is on the person who asks for it, but in the vast majority of cases that person is male. There's no significant push by any organisation or movement for there to be gender equality in dating, so it remains expensive if you're male.
Being sex buddies isn't being in a relationship. If I played chess with someone regularly - but that's all we did - I'd not be in a relationship with my chess buddy.
I've tried various clothes, locations, activities & topics of conversation on dates. In most cases, a first date is a sexless dead end; she doesn't want sex or a second date because she's not (sufficiently) attracted to me.
I've tried double dates & group dates. The problem there is that my friends are more appealing than I am, so I'm worse in comparison. Often they get first-date sex when I'm lucky to get a one-second kiss. I don't know how to compete with lads who have more height, money, charm etc. than I do.
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
My only point there was to say that you have a connection together (even if it's oriented around casual sex) and that requires certain things - a healthy dynamic, kindness, listening, etc.
From my experience talking to female friends and family (even ones who have had casual relationships), most of them will heel turn if they think a guy is literally JUST looking at them as a vessel for sex. Everyone wants to feel engaged with and valued as a person.
I can't help but notice you're writing this off as a problem with your attractiveness when there are so many factors that make up someone's connection with you.
I'd like to challenge this - this definitely doesn't feel true to my experience, or the experiences my friends have had that we've talked about. It's quite possible that, as your connection with someone builds, they become attracted to you. Building that connection in itself may be difficult, and a lot of it can rely on having certain social skills or listening skills to bring you closer to someone.
You're right that in traditional, straight circles, there are really damaging expectations around gender roles (like men paying the bill) that are quite prevolent.
Once you get into more alternative, progressive, queer, or just 'different' social circles, people are a LOT more open to doing things differently. If those traditional gender roles are having that much of an effect, it may be the types of women you're looking for.
Out of interest, what kinds of people do you usually go for? And what do you say to the girl before you meet them? Do they know you're looking for strictly casual sex?
Women have sex whenever they want to, as often as they want to; they're the sexual gatekeepers. Men have sex when they can get it. Millions of people - the large majority of whom are male - go on dates primarily or solely to get sex. The large majority of people who love casual sex are male, so the competition is intense among hetero males for the far smaller number of female casual sex lovers. That's why the vast majority of people on hookup sites are male & never get any sex through them. The tiny number of female members of those sites pick the Chads & ignore the vast majority on looks alone.
Millions of men who'd much rather be single & enjoy a lot of casual sex are in relationships only because they got little or no sex when single. They choose to get into relationships solely as a means of getting (semi-)regular sex. They're paying a huge price for that: spending a great deal of time, money & effort as well as sacrificing their freedom, just to avoid celibacy. I've had many male acquaintances who've been in that unhappy situation.
I know that my looks are a major impediment to my sexual success while single. I have male friends, colleagues etc. who are significantly better-looking than me who often get sex on the first day they meet girls. They don't do or say anything that I don't, nor do so in better ways. They have handsome privilege.
I've tried various approaches & strategies, but never succeed in getting sex whilst single.
Take care (:
Have you considered that by solely pursuing a sex-only relationship, you might be cutting yourself off from other opportunities/possibilities? I know it's important to have some idea of what you'd like in a relationship and that there's nothing wrong with a sex-only arrangement, but you never know what may happen - you might find a woman who wants that too, only to find you actually fall in love with her. You might find it doesn't work out. You might find it goes well but that it's not quite the no-strings-attached relationship you expected. I dunno, just a thought.
(Not wanting to turn this into a debate, but may I just add that there is a lot of stigma surrounding women having casual sex (or having sex at all) so it's not quite the 'free-for-all' for women that you seem to think.)
We cannot give you a solution, we can listen and give support and advice. It's up to you what you do with that advice.
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
Sorry, I was worried the video might appear a bit rude based on your situation. I didn't mean it that way. Besides, I never said the video was gonna help with your goal, I just said it discusses a lot of the points that you made, so I thought it would be beneficial to share it here in case anyone wanted to watch it (or even you to get to see the other side of things). It is literally a video I myself watched today. Hope that's okay.
I know what I want & don't want. The difficulty I'm having is getting it. Being in relationships made me very unhappy; I much prefer being single.
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
I think,
No need to apologize! I appreciate your clarification. Sharing a video for discussion is a thoughtful gesture. Different perspectives can be enlightening. Thanks for considering everyone's feelings, and it's absolutely okay.
I love the freedom of being single & I don't ever want to go through the hell of being in a relationship again. I'd rather not even go on dates; I'd rather get straight down to sex without the cost, stress & time spent on dating. I'm certain that I want to reach the age of 100 having had loads of lovers but never having been in a relationship from now until then.
I've been very clear throughout this thread about what I want & don't want. I've answered all questions here as best I can. I'm looking for lots of sex without anything else, just like my male friends & colleagues who are taller & better-looking than me currently get.
The thing is on here we don't really know who you are or nothing so we have no relationship that's been built up over a period of time so that means its harder for us to help you.
I know nothing about the topic of sex and stuff but I hope these articles may be able to help a little or you could try calling Brook or somewhere like that.
the articles
https://lifehacker.com/how-to-start-a-casual-sex-relationship-1849350310#:~:text=“You can just say, ',that simply and directly, too.
https://kotaku.com/ask-dr-nerdlove-how-can-i-have-more-casual-hookups-1798431590
https://www.wikihow.com/Get-Into-a-Casual-Relationship
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
I used the word lover because it means people who have sex together. It includes flings, sex buddies etc. All the other terms I could think of (such as girlfriend, cohabitee, partner, other half, sweetheart, significant other, squeeze) imply or state a bigger connection. Not all lovers are in love - a person could have four current lovers & not be in love with any of them.
All of my relationships made me unhappy. I only got into them as a means of getting sex & because of pressure from people criticising me for being single & telling me that it's usual to be half of a couple. Each relationship was all of the following: boring, complicated, miserable, restrictive, expensive, stressful & time-consuming. I'm certain of what I want & don't want. Those relationships have confirmed my aims.
Of course people vary a lot in what they find attractive. I'm not expecting all, most or half of the girls I fancy to want sex with me. However, I'm understandably very disappointed that none of them do.
Most men say they've had more lovers than they've actually had. Most women say they've had fewer lovers than they've actually had. I know for certain that some of my single male friends, colleagues etc. are sexually successful because I've seen/heard them achieving some of that success. Of course they may be exaggerating, but they're clearly doing significantly better than average.
I need to find someone attractive in order to have sex with her, but I don't have a specific type. If I'd had sex with every girl I've found attractive I'd have had hundreds. I'm not being too choosy.
She wouldn't be handing me her body; she & I would be enjoying no-strings sex together, recreationally.
But, neither can we... and as they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I feel like your attitude isn't assisting you, and you're doing yourself a disservice by concluding you're not attractive enough for other people - a lot of people aren't attracted on looks alone, and will want more than just a sexual relationship. That's not to say what you want is impossible, just that it's not necessarily simple and straightforward either. There are reasons why people may not want to jump straight into a sexual relationship, other than just not being attracted to the other person. You can't control how people are attracted to you, but that doesn't mean you're not good enough, or that it's anyone else's fault. Some things just happen when they happen
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid