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Need advice re online friendships
sputnik
Posts: 82 Budding Regular
I feel like an idiot, as this is something I've always made sure to avoid, but I got so fed up with having no-one to talk to last year and I started using a penpal app which works so that it takes time for letters to get to people, not as long as a real letter would but at least several hours, depending on how far away in the world they are. I exchanged online-letters with a few people, but I've never been very good at keeping up with correspondence, and as the letters get longer I tend to procrastinate replying to them more and more.
One particular penpal who I'd exchanged letters with for a while, messaged me recently with a slightly guilt-trippy letter about how I hadn't replied to them for a few months and they were sad as I was their only penpal. They also said they would have appreciated if I had made contact with them through Skype (which was what I had suggested we use previously, when they had said we should try instant messaging, but I then lost my nerve and didn't contact them through it.) Initially I felt really annoyed as it seemed kind of entitled to expect me to keep up with their increasingly long letters, and I had explained several times already that I wasn't very good at being consistent due to mental health etc. But then I started to feel bad because I know my tendency is to resent any kind of expectation from people and to want to push them away, avoid closeness, etc etc, and that I should be more understanding, and shouldn't treat people as disposable.
I've always been super-cautious around making friends with people over the internet for obvious safety reasons (I'm already pretty cautious around people I DO know haha), but I thought that maybe it was worth messaging this person through Skype (I chose Skype as I didn't want to give them my phone number through WhatsApp or whatever) and if we didn't have much to talk about then it would just fizzle out and that would be fine. But now I'm really over-thinking and freaking out about it, having messaged with them, as I feel slightly pressured by them to voice-call which is something I am not comfortable with (and said as much), plus they want to add me on Instagram which I also do not want, as I don't know anything about them other than what we exchanged in letters like our interests, studies and hobbies etc, and I'm worried that they expect or are hinting at a romantic relationship. I don't want to talk to this person any more, it's not that they've said anything especially wrong or bad but I just feel uncomfortable and a little bit manipulated. But how on earth do I express that I don't want to converse with them any more, without being really hurtful or cold about it? I'm worried they'll ask what they've done wrong. Am I massively overreacting? Whenever I feel trapped it becomes hugely overblown in my mind and I get really scared, hence why I avoid committing to things. I feel like a complete failure at coping with the slightest of difficulties...
One particular penpal who I'd exchanged letters with for a while, messaged me recently with a slightly guilt-trippy letter about how I hadn't replied to them for a few months and they were sad as I was their only penpal. They also said they would have appreciated if I had made contact with them through Skype (which was what I had suggested we use previously, when they had said we should try instant messaging, but I then lost my nerve and didn't contact them through it.) Initially I felt really annoyed as it seemed kind of entitled to expect me to keep up with their increasingly long letters, and I had explained several times already that I wasn't very good at being consistent due to mental health etc. But then I started to feel bad because I know my tendency is to resent any kind of expectation from people and to want to push them away, avoid closeness, etc etc, and that I should be more understanding, and shouldn't treat people as disposable.
I've always been super-cautious around making friends with people over the internet for obvious safety reasons (I'm already pretty cautious around people I DO know haha), but I thought that maybe it was worth messaging this person through Skype (I chose Skype as I didn't want to give them my phone number through WhatsApp or whatever) and if we didn't have much to talk about then it would just fizzle out and that would be fine. But now I'm really over-thinking and freaking out about it, having messaged with them, as I feel slightly pressured by them to voice-call which is something I am not comfortable with (and said as much), plus they want to add me on Instagram which I also do not want, as I don't know anything about them other than what we exchanged in letters like our interests, studies and hobbies etc, and I'm worried that they expect or are hinting at a romantic relationship. I don't want to talk to this person any more, it's not that they've said anything especially wrong or bad but I just feel uncomfortable and a little bit manipulated. But how on earth do I express that I don't want to converse with them any more, without being really hurtful or cold about it? I'm worried they'll ask what they've done wrong. Am I massively overreacting? Whenever I feel trapped it becomes hugely overblown in my mind and I get really scared, hence why I avoid committing to things. I feel like a complete failure at coping with the slightest of difficulties...
I know you fought hard as hell
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
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Comments
1. Honesty and Directness
2. Set Boundaries
3. Kindness and Empathy
4. Avoid Blame
5. Offer Closure
Remember that it's okay to prioritize your own comfort and well-being. You have the right to set boundaries and make choices that align with your own feelings and preferences.
It's understandable that you would've wanted someone to talk and used a penpal app if you felt you didn't have anyone to talk to. But any kind of relationship needs to work for both people and often this means that ensuring communication is fairly balanced on both sides. I noticed that you said their messages got longer and as a result you procrastinated with replying. This is understandable, especially if you know that you already sometimes struggle to keep up with messages anyway. More so if you feel that the other person just wanted to talk about things they wanted to talk about and you felt a bit overwhelmed with their need to talk, while also possibly not being listened to yourself?
From the other person's perspective, it may be that they were worried about you or their friendship with you, if they hadn't heard from you in a few months, and perhaps that was why they wanted you to have reached out on Skype or something. (And a side note: it's completely okay to suggest Skype only to change your mind....remember, you don't know who people really are online and using instant messaging allows them easier access to contact you). It's understandable that you would feel guilty about this, but equally, it does seem unfair that they claim you are their only penpal as this puts all the pressure of talking to them on you (especially when you have already explained several times that you take a while to reply because of mental health). Perhaps when you talk to them next, you can gently encourage them to have other penpals or seek online communities so that they don't feel so anxious or lonely during the times you can't be there for them.
You're not treating people as disposable. We only have a finite amount of time in a day, so it's good to make use of that time wisely. Staying in touch with someone out of a sense of obligation doesn't do you or them any good in both the short and long term. Some people will have unreasonable expectations of you and it's okay to resent these expectations and want to spend less time with them. On the flip side, even if you tend to avoid closeness, someone who genuinely cares for you will be more understanding and will have more realistic expectations of you. You can try to be more understanding towards others, but remember that healthy relationships need understanding to go both ways.
It's good to be cautious of people you talk to online. It's also understandable that with skype, which isn't like social media, if you don't click with the other person then you can just let the messages die down. All friendships require trust and honesty, so perhaps the other person wanting to voice call may be just as wary as you about talking to someone online. Voice and video calling is more likely to confirm that you are who you say you are. But not everyone wants to voice call, so it's more than okay if you don't want to do this. Did the other person respect your decision to not voice call? You also shouldn't feel pressured to add them on instagram either. Some people don't take social media seriously and are happy to follow and add many people they've never met. But again, other people are more private. Your friend should be understanding that you don't want to add them on instagram. Just because you have agreed to be penpals, it doesn't entitle them to follow you on social media (which is often more personal). I'm also wondering why you are worried about them hinting or expecting a romantic relationship? Again, being penpals doesn't entitle them to any more than just being a penpal.
It's more than okay that you don't want to keep in touch with this person anymore. Even if they haven't said anything wrong, the fact that you feel uncomfortable, pressured and manipulated says a lot and you shouldn't have to stay in a friendship that is affecting you negatively. I wouldn't say you are over reacting. The problem with the internet is that we don't really know who we are talking to. Your friend might be someone who is genuinely lonely, likes to talk about their interests a lot, expects the other person to be equally invested and wants to talk more and be friends on social media etc. Or there could be other things going on such as them wanting a relationship or even being a scammer. It makes sense that if you feel trapped, you get scared and sometimes the anxiety gets out of hand and is bigger than the situation itself. And this makes committing to things more difficult and is something that you want to avoid. A lot of anxiety might be around the unknown and there are lots of unknowns with your internet friend.
It can help to keep in mind that you are in control here. You don't have to do anything that you are not comfortable doing. There isn't really a best way of telling them you don't want to be friends anymore. Some people prefer 'ghosting' where you just don't reply. Other people prefer being indirect and say that they just want a break or don't go online so much. Other people just prefer being honest and explaining. If you want to do this, it's up to you how much of an explanation you give. You could just say that you are feeling overwhelmed and don't feel that you are able to be the friend that they want or need and suggest they reach out to others. They might get angry or upset or ask what they've done wrong. You could tell them about how you felt guilty not responding to their long messages and pressured for a response, or you could just say that it's just a mismatch in communication or expectations- they want more communication and have different expectations than what you wanted from a penpal. There's nothing wrong with that- it just means you aren't suited to each other.
Hope this helps a bit!
Feeling a bit better about the situation (I usually feel horrendous at first and then it gradually goes down), I was really catastrophising before whereas now I feel a bit more in-control.
I guess it's partly cos I'm afraid of that happening anyway, but also just things like them saying they feel like we were 'meant to meet', that they were 'enthralled by my letters' etc, which feels a bit intense - however, as we are from different parts of the world it may just be that there's a slight language-barrier and/or cultural differences and I'm reading too much into it. Anyone showing interest in speaking with me feels both unfamiliar and threatening, even though I really want connection. I asked them why they don't have other penpals and they said they didn't have time, and that they spent hours on letters to me. It's hard not to feel a bit suffocated even though they are halfway across the globe from me and all this is only in writing.
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
That makes sense. When you are only looking for friendship, it makes sense that you would be a bit anxious about anything unexpectedly romantic happening when that wasn't what you were expecting at all. And the choices of words, such as 'meant to meet' and 'enthralled' does sound a bit intense, and I can see why you would be worried about this potentially signalling romance. Although, as you've also pointed out, it could be a language or cultural barrier (I once knew someone in America who was worried that someone from the UK was interested in them romantically because they referred to them as 'love' so I explained it was just a informal term of endearment and didn't mean anything romantic at all).
It's also understandable that, since you have been lonely and are seeking friendship and connection, equally you would feel afraid of connection. When we spend lots of time by ourselves or with others where we can't fully be ourselves, it can feel scary connecting with others on a deeper level (with someone who actually 'gets' us). Equally, this is the internet we are talking about, so it's good to have some level of guardedness about you so that you are less at risk of being taken advantage. Ideally, in any situation (not just this one) you want to try to balance your need for connection with understanding your fears, and slowly pushing past them when you feel ready, while also remaining slightly guarded. Personally, I think you are already trying to get that balance right. You know that you want connection and yet also feel slightly anxious (understandable). You also are wary of anything romantic and yet acknowledge that it could be a cultural thing. You are also thinking about the balance between your friends needs and that of your own too.
Sometimes some people 'click' really early on and can move from a superficial level of friendship to a deeper one really quickly, but it is said that for many healthy friendships, you want to take your time and build up that trust. If you want to keep this friendship going, and since you've already mentioned that you've told them you struggle to respond due to mental health, you might want to negotiate so that they can message you whenever, but you will only respond at a certain time e.g. every other week, once a month, every other month or whatever works best for you. This way, your friend gets to spend as much time as they want, writing messages and knowing when you will respond, while you get to respond on your terms so that you don't feel too suffocated. (In my mind, this is what boundaries look like...it's not about trying to change the other person's behaviour, but changing how we respond to behaviours that cause us stress).
At the same time, it is a bit of a red flag that they don't have other penpals and that they spend so much time writing messages to you. Don't they want other penpals? The internet is a big place and there are many niche areas and communities for people to join relating to their interests. It shouldn't be your responsibility to be their only penpal. It's definitely worth trying to encourage them to reach out to others, if you can.
Writing can still feel like a demand. It might not be the same as face to face contact or spending hours talking on the phone, but it's still a form of communication. And communication is two way so if someone writes long messages, it's very easy for it to start feeling like a demand because you feel like you have to respond, knowing full well you'll likely get another long message in return. It's also harder to respond if you feel the conversation is one sided, e.g. about what the other person is doing, or what's going on in their lives or their struggles and not about shared interests or something you can bond over, or even asking about your life. Even then, it can still feel a demand when you have other things going on in life or your struggles as well. This is where the other person needs to try to see things from your perspective and be a bit more understanding.
So, it's okay to put boundaries in place, if you decide you want to continue with the friendship, but it's also okay if you don't want to continue with the friendship (and more so if you have tried to put boundaries in place and feel you haven't been listened to).
Part of the problem is that I've had difficulties with friends before where I've felt suffocated and/or under pressure (largely due to my difficulty asserting boundaries and overly people-pleasing, while at the same time holding others at arm's length emotionally) when they want more frequent contact than I have the energy for. I've had friends who at times I've just longed to get away from, and simultaneously felt terrible for being so 'fickle'. Any new relationship immediately feels like a terrifyingly heavy commitment to me, despite how much I want to make friends with people.
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
I can understand...in a way, you remind me of me