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I suck at socialising
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 1,945 Extreme Poster
Today I left a society event halfway through. I can't do this, I just can't. Everything is too much. I feel like I'm starting to dissociate quite bad with how overwhelming everything feels.
I rushed out of my comfort zone, and now I'm lost. But I dont miss it, I dont want to go back to the old me. I want to leave that comfort zone behind and make a new one, one where I can feel alive, and not just like I'm barely even existing.
This event, I just couldnt connect, I did not feel like I belong at all. Everyone was just talking, having fun. It felt devastating to me, that I can't, and will probably never will fit into society and have fun with other people like that. It makes me feel like such a horrible person. Like how does other people's happiness make me sad?? I always thought I'm empathetic, this is the opposite of that... But I'm done living like this, I deserve to feel happy too!
I know what the problem is. Its my voice. I can't talk loud, no one can hear me, no one can understand me. I cant talk properly, if I even manage to talk at all.
I mentioned this to my counsellor but she acted as if I was going crazy, she said my voice sounded okay and that she has no idea what I meant... as if she couldn't see me struggle to say the most simplest words, while constantly stuttering, losing my voice etc.
Please, is there some voice therapist or someone I can go to who can teach me how to talk to other human beings??? I can't live like this, I just feel stuck. I'll be around people who I have a perfect chance to talk to but I just can't do it. I feel like theres this massive invisible wall between me and everyone else. And every time I do manage to say something, I always start wishing I didnt...
I have a bowling event tomorrow evening, the one I kept mentioning how much I wanted to go but how terrified I was about it. And now I'm so tempted not to go... I've already paid for it but I feel so discouraged that I'd happily give my place to someone else. I just know its going to be too loud for me. I know I'll have trouble talking. And I dont even like bowling that much to go there just for the bowling...
I just want a way to pause time and be able to fix myself so I dont waste any more time in this already wasted life of mine.
I feel this strong urge to just scream, but yea... -_-
I rushed out of my comfort zone, and now I'm lost. But I dont miss it, I dont want to go back to the old me. I want to leave that comfort zone behind and make a new one, one where I can feel alive, and not just like I'm barely even existing.
This event, I just couldnt connect, I did not feel like I belong at all. Everyone was just talking, having fun. It felt devastating to me, that I can't, and will probably never will fit into society and have fun with other people like that. It makes me feel like such a horrible person. Like how does other people's happiness make me sad?? I always thought I'm empathetic, this is the opposite of that... But I'm done living like this, I deserve to feel happy too!
I know what the problem is. Its my voice. I can't talk loud, no one can hear me, no one can understand me. I cant talk properly, if I even manage to talk at all.
I mentioned this to my counsellor but she acted as if I was going crazy, she said my voice sounded okay and that she has no idea what I meant... as if she couldn't see me struggle to say the most simplest words, while constantly stuttering, losing my voice etc.
Please, is there some voice therapist or someone I can go to who can teach me how to talk to other human beings??? I can't live like this, I just feel stuck. I'll be around people who I have a perfect chance to talk to but I just can't do it. I feel like theres this massive invisible wall between me and everyone else. And every time I do manage to say something, I always start wishing I didnt...
I have a bowling event tomorrow evening, the one I kept mentioning how much I wanted to go but how terrified I was about it. And now I'm so tempted not to go... I've already paid for it but I feel so discouraged that I'd happily give my place to someone else. I just know its going to be too loud for me. I know I'll have trouble talking. And I dont even like bowling that much to go there just for the bowling...
I just want a way to pause time and be able to fix myself so I dont waste any more time in this already wasted life of mine.
I feel this strong urge to just scream, but yea... -_-
Believe in me - who believes in you
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Comments
I don't really know much about how Uni societies work, but do you know if there are any societies at your university that are either centred around mental health support, and/or have more quiet, chilled-out kind of activities?
I know a lot of this is often way easier said than done, I really do understand and I'm sorry you're struggling. Believe me you're doing really well, even if it doesn't feel like it
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
Anyways.
You're probably right, but me taking things slow isn't gonna make me live any longer. Every second I miss, is a second I will never get back. Plus I'm incredibly impatient lol.
I also hate the sound of my voice, like a lot. It makes me super self-conscious. My voice is very complicated. I dont even know how to explain it. Which is probably why my counsellor was so confused when I tried explaining it to her. Maybe I'll talk about it more later.
There are loads of societies. There is an autistic society that I've been to one of their events and everyone was so lovely and understanding, like I actually felt great there. But I got home and didnt feel satisfied at all. I didnt hate the event, I just didnt enjoy it either. I dont feel like I belong anywhere I go. The event I've been to today was from a society about videogames, something I really love and am passionate about. So I was hoping I'd enjoy myself there even just a little. But no. It made me feel even worse seeing how much fun everyone else was having.
My point is, if I attend only 'chilled out' societies then I won't find them interesting. I don't want to join for the sake of joining, I can play my own videogames at home lol. I wanted to have fun with other people, someone new for once.
Sorry I'm just rambling. I should probably sleep.
Sending big hugs
Just wanted to add (cause I didn't already write enough) that if someone is shy or awkward, being around me will boost their confidence so much for sure xD
I used to (and still do at times) really feel like that, like I'd wasted my whole life already (or at least 'my youth' if that doesn't sound ridiculously dramatic
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
Also there was alcohol and they went to a pub later... which I wasn't told about at all.
I couldn't sleep today, like almost at all. Partially because my throat bloody hurts, but mostly because I just couldnt stop overthing everything that happened yesterday. It feels like it was all a dream (or more of nightmare) and I was so disconnected that I cant tell if it really happened. It all felt so foreign, so new and strange to me. I'm not used to busy parties like that. How do I enjoy them?? All I can do is just stand or sit there, and watch everyone else have fun...
I'm not sure if I'm glad I decided to go. On one hand it was an experience, I know what it looks like now, and I have (sort of) met some new people. But on the other hand I felt so out of place and miserable that I kinda wish I didn't go. I will remember this event just like I remember prom - this event that I just didn't belong at all and was so disconnected from everyone while watching them all have fun, wishing to be a part of it...
Oh and I almost forgot to mention. Everyone there was so so attractive, which didn't help with my anxiety or feeling like I didn't belong.
(Btw these are all thoughts that I still have even after processing everything through the night lol)
@sputnik no you're not posting a lot. I hate when people say that cause it makes me feel like I'm posting a lot lot lot xD
I really get that. I can't imagine having a 'crisis' like this at the age of 40 for example, I think I'd just give up at that point lol.
I do just really want to make the most of it. I will keep attending the events, but I know that all the events in the past will follow me. Like going to the next event from this society I will constantly have this day at the back of my head, as if I'm embarrassed or ashamed of something. Even though I know I've done nothing wrong, and that the way I am is not my fault (mostly). If that makes sense.
I guess I could explain it like this; forcing myself to go to events is like inflicting some (mild) trauma, which will make any future events much harder for me to manage.
Thank you so much
Do you know what it was that made you not enjoy the event? Was it the business? The unexpected plan to go to the pub? Feeling isolated? Overthinking it? The activity? Or just a mix?
It's completely fine if you don't know why, it just might help you figure out what to do in terms of going to these events.
It's great that you're going to keep trying to attend the events, but don't pressure yourself or burn yourself out, I'm sure it took a lot out of you, as you've mentioned struggling to sleep and a sore throat. I would see if you could rest a couple of days and do something you enjoy, even something small like rewarding yourself with a food you like, or watching a show, listening to music etc.
You also don't have to attend every society event that happens just for the sake of going as this might cause more dread than you would want, so go at your own pace. It's also fine if you change your mind.
If you're finding that forcing yourself too far out of your comfort zone is too distressing, then maybe take a break for a while or try to break it down into smaller steps. It's good to push yourself, but not so far that it ends up becoming more damaging. If we get highly stressed frequently, this can actually have physiological changes (often temporary, like your sore throat). This might not apply, but we have something called the vagus nerve, situated just a bit down from the neck, and this can become more sensitive during high periods of stress. There are things that can help regulate it such as vibrations which can be done through products such as humming, or there are products that have been developed which deliver these vibrations to help reduce stress. It might not be for everyone, but it's interesting to know about.
I've attached some articles explaining it a bit better than I can here:
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-does-the-vagus-nerve-do/#:~:text=Your%20vagus%20nerve%20helps%20disengage,can%20wear%20out%20your%20body.
https://verywellmind.com/how-stress-affects-the-vagus-nerve-6740155
https://forbes.com/sites/womensmedia/2021/04/15/what-the-vagus-nerve-is-and-how-to-stimulate-it-for-better-mental-health/
It's understandable that you're struggling to put this event out of your mind. When something doesn't go to plan or how we would like, it's in our nature to remember these negative aspects as opposed to positive things that have happened, so it's completely natural, although it doesn't make it any less difficult to deal with. I think it's a survival mechanism that now unfortunately often causes more harm than good. It can be useful in scenarios of immanent physical danger such as being chased by a bear for instance as remembering this event helps us remember bears are dangerous and to avoid them. In the modern world this mechanism is sometimes overused in situations where most of the time we aren't in immediate physical danger, such as social settings like presentations (sorry - strange example, but the only one I can think of right now).
I'm not sure whether any of this helps, or is useful to make sense of how you're feeling, but I hope your throat gets better and things look up for you
Honestly the pub wasn't that unexpected. The meeting was supposed to last like 3 hours but I only paid for like 1 hour of bowling, so I knew they'd want to hang out somewhere after. What got me thought was when they brought alcohol shots to the tables at the start, that was the moment it properly clicked like "oh crap... this isn't for me, I shouldn't be here". I wasn't the only one who didn't drink so again, I didn't feel as bad. (Btw I didn't join them at the pub, I left just before they entered the pub. And I don't regret this decision)
There was another society event I've been to a couple days earlier, a movie night. They said something like "you don't have to drink if you don't want to", so I assumed there would be alcohol and I was okay with it. Turns out the most alcohol they had was fizzy drinks (as in there was no alcohol lol). And since this group didn't mention a single word about it, it really was kinda unexpected.
I guess I didn't enjoy it mostly because of the loudness, and also the fact that this was something new to me so everything was unexpected. I do genuinely think if I was able to talk loudly I would have enjoyed it a lot lot more. I wouldnt feel this paralysis of not being able to talk or communicate.
And yea I'm resting. I can't be bothered doing anything this weekend since I've had such a busy week, so I'm spending all of it on the sofa. Sorry not sorry xD
I do have an event I really want to go to tomorrow so I really hope I feel better until then. I'll try my best not to overwhelm myself tho.
And I wouldnt say I find all this distressing. I honestly think it's quite fun! And definitely better than sitting at home doing nothing as usual. It just leaves me with a lot of regrets and does make me feel bad sometimes when things don't go right.
Oh this definitely does apply. My counsellor has mentioned the vagus nerve a few times but I haven't really found out much about it. So thank you for the articles! I didn't know you can regulate it through certain vibrations, that sounds fascinating.
I am aware that I'm only looking back at the negatives sometimes. When I realise this, I try to take a step back and find some positive things too. Even if there are no positives from the actual event, I tell myself that this is always a way for me to grow. In a way, the worse something goes, the more I learn from it.
That's like the best example you could give! Presentations are the worst, I've had a pretty bad anxiety attack during the last one. Even though I knew I'm perfectly safe, my body thought otherwise for some reason.
Thank you so so much, it is very helpful
Sending hugs
I feel like I've done the right thing, but now I feel so awkward. I don't know what to think about it.
When you first go to a society event, remember that others might have met each other or be more comfortable around new people, but that doesn't mean that you can't get to that point. Some people take a little longer than others to feel comfortable in that new group, and it's very likely that you weren't alone in how you felt that day. So if it takes a few visits to settle in, that's completely natural - I wouldn't judge too much just based on the first time.
Different societies have different vibes and might take a different amount of time to settle into. It sounds like you settled into the Autism society well, so it's not a case that you can't settle in anywhere - some environments are simply easier to do that in, but that doesn't mean that you're not capable of settling in, or enjoying the company of others. Trust the process - socialising takes time to get better at, and the best way to do is to keep going to social events and interacting with people. You're already doing great by even showing up, and hopefully going to the Autism society shows you that you're capable of socialising with others. You're doing your best to progress, and progress isn't always a smooth ride, but over time it's an upwards trajectory
I can understand that the alcohol may have caught you off guard. Some societies might like to have a drinks social after an event, but it really depends on the people, and often times it's not something that's planned beforehand. Well done for doing what was right for you and leaving if you weren't interested in going to the pub. And if a loud environment isn't for you, then that's okay too - you've learned that by going to the event, so you know a bit more about the kind of social environments you like. Attending social events like this can give us some helpful data points to understand ourselves in terms of what social environments, people and interests we prefer, but again, it takes time and experience to develop that knowledge.
And on the thank you message, I completely understand where you're coming from. I've done this myself a few times and thought it was odd that others don't say it, but there's no need to feel awkward about it. You were grateful, so you said thank you - that's a good thing! If others don't wish to say it, that doesn't mean that it was awkward or wrong for you to say that - if anything, I'm sure the organiser really appreciated it, and maybe would've liked more people to say it too. You did a nice thing with good intentions, that's nothing to feel awkward about
1. Breathing Exercises: Practice deep breathing exercises to help manage anxiety and potentially improve your vocal control.
2. Mindfulness and Relaxation: Techniques like mindfulness and relaxation can help you stay grounded in the moment and manage social anxiety.
3. Self-Compassion: Be kind and patient with yourself. It's okay to have struggles, and it's important to acknowledge your efforts and progress.
4. Small Steps: You don't have to make big changes all at once. Take small steps towards social interactions, and remember that it's okay to step back when needed.
5. Bowling Event: If you're feeling anxious about the event, it's okay to attend and observe. You don't have to force yourself to participate fully. Sometimes, just being present can be a step in the right direction.
There's hope for change and growth, even when it feels difficult. You don't have to go through this journey alone.