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Mental Reset (Positive and Negative)
mk1881
Posts: 131 The Mix Convert
Welcome back to a mk1881 chronicle. I was feeling kind of shit earlier and not really for any particular reason. It was like music sounded horrible. It was just a bunch of noise in my ears. Which if you know me at all, I love music and without I'm nothing. But I get in moods where nothing satisfies me, not even music. For example, I have control issues and my guitar (Declan) is my control factor. When everything around me feels chaotic and out of control, my guitar is one of the few consistent control factors in my life. It never changes, it's always a place I can return to. But when I get in these funks, not even my guitar is a haven.
I don't like just sitting in my mind, so I went for a walk at my favorite lake. It was pretty but didn't really make me feel anything. I also was on a time crunch and so I was stressed about getting home before dark. I made it though. When I got back, I was still stressed. While I was out, I backtracked on my addiction. I was searching for a way to get a vape again. Not super proud but ya know. I went to the gas station I used to work at and saw old friends, then took a singular hit and now the cravings are a hundred times worse. I also saw Thomas..
Background: Thomas was my guy bestfriend who I was crushing on for the longest time to no avail. Until we had sex out of the blue and I terminated our friendship shortly after for several valid reasons including, I was being used, wasn't being shown as much love or care as I was giving and ultimately the friendship became a big source of stress because he was enveloped in a dark addiction that made me fear for his life.
Seeing him (but not talking to him), felt like the biggest and most sour gut punch. Often times, I feel myself regretting leaving that friendship because in a way I take ownership and feel like I abandoned him. Even though I know that's not the case, because I was in a really unhealthy mental state and needed a breather from the toxicity and over-dependence of that relationship. I thought that I was completely over it but I still miss him in a lot of ways.
I feel a little better now because driving is also a sense of control for me. Being able to control such a big vehicle that can cause so much damage and chaos, while still being a vessel of transportation and escape through music in an enclosed space. On the drive home I saw the sunset and felt at peace for a short moment. The realization that no matter how hard it gets, the sun will still rise with or without me. It was a harrowing thought, that in a somber sense grounded me back to reality. I'm okay. I'm real. I'm breathing. I'm still here and tomorrow will still come.
Thanks for listening to my dump of words..
I don't like just sitting in my mind, so I went for a walk at my favorite lake. It was pretty but didn't really make me feel anything. I also was on a time crunch and so I was stressed about getting home before dark. I made it though. When I got back, I was still stressed. While I was out, I backtracked on my addiction. I was searching for a way to get a vape again. Not super proud but ya know. I went to the gas station I used to work at and saw old friends, then took a singular hit and now the cravings are a hundred times worse. I also saw Thomas..
Background: Thomas was my guy bestfriend who I was crushing on for the longest time to no avail. Until we had sex out of the blue and I terminated our friendship shortly after for several valid reasons including, I was being used, wasn't being shown as much love or care as I was giving and ultimately the friendship became a big source of stress because he was enveloped in a dark addiction that made me fear for his life.
Seeing him (but not talking to him), felt like the biggest and most sour gut punch. Often times, I feel myself regretting leaving that friendship because in a way I take ownership and feel like I abandoned him. Even though I know that's not the case, because I was in a really unhealthy mental state and needed a breather from the toxicity and over-dependence of that relationship. I thought that I was completely over it but I still miss him in a lot of ways.
I feel a little better now because driving is also a sense of control for me. Being able to control such a big vehicle that can cause so much damage and chaos, while still being a vessel of transportation and escape through music in an enclosed space. On the drive home I saw the sunset and felt at peace for a short moment. The realization that no matter how hard it gets, the sun will still rise with or without me. It was a harrowing thought, that in a somber sense grounded me back to reality. I'm okay. I'm real. I'm breathing. I'm still here and tomorrow will still come.
Thanks for listening to my dump of words..
"But our lives will only ever always Continue to be A balancing act That has less to do with pain And more to do with beauty." -Shane Koyczan
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Comments
I think it's totally normal to miss someone who's had a big impact on you, especially someone you cared for a lot. And it's okay if you aren't in a certain stage of letting go that you thought you were in. We can miss people or a past, without meaning that we want them back in our lives, and missing them doesn't mean that you are accepting of how they've treated you. It's not a bad feeling, if anything it just shows how much love you have to give. Sometimes we never stop missing someone, but it becomes a bittersweet feeling- knowing that your life is better and more peaceful without them, but still being grateful for the good that they brought you once upon a time.
There are days that we really struggle to get through- but you did it! I hope the following days are kinder to you
I know that it's normal I just didn't realize how much I missed him. How much he impacted my life. A lot of my life feels like a blur and I don't remember events super well but I remember the people and what they meant to me. Thank you..
How are you doing though?
That's quite powerful yes, I feel the same way about how people have impacted my life. It's also quite comforting personally, considering that we all teach each other so much and help each other grow or find happiness in different stages of life. How're you feeling recently?
Sorry to but in, just would like to say that I turn to the moon too. There are many reasons for this but it mostly boils down to what you subconsciously or consciously perceive the moon to be. The moon is a mystery entity because it is beyond our planet so you may see it as another world (which your imagination can fulfil what you imagine it to be like). Or the moon is your comfort because it is the symbol of the light in the vast darkness.
Time is very fast so of course everything will become a blur to us but what we do remember is the impact of things/people and consequences because they are linked to our strong feelings. The senses are powerful (although our brain is powerful too, compared to our senses, it does not contain any protruding feelings).