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I have been feeling down today
Creativeboy23
Posts: 328 The Mix Regular
Today, I have been feeling low.
I experienced scenarios which reflected past family issues. My mum nagged me about keeping on top of tidying my room, expecting me to live a neurotypical lifestyle when I am autistic. My brother was picking on me. These situations ended up driving me to suicide. He realised the pressure I was under when it was too late. I worry that there will be a day when I commit suicide, and no one can stop me.
I have been worrying about how I will cope when I live independently with my autism.
I have had memories of my brother and dad acting like they have my interest at heart when wanting me to share how I am feeling but judging me when I do.
I experienced scenarios which reflected past family issues. My mum nagged me about keeping on top of tidying my room, expecting me to live a neurotypical lifestyle when I am autistic. My brother was picking on me. These situations ended up driving me to suicide. He realised the pressure I was under when it was too late. I worry that there will be a day when I commit suicide, and no one can stop me.
I have been worrying about how I will cope when I live independently with my autism.
I have had memories of my brother and dad acting like they have my interest at heart when wanting me to share how I am feeling but judging me when I do.
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Comments
It sounds deeply frustrating for you, so it's no wonder you're left thinking that you'll be so overwhelmed that suicide will feel like the only option. That sounds like a very distressing thought to confront. Do you think you could explain more about worrying that a day will come when you will commit suicide?
In terms of coping independently, it's certainly a very valid concern, big changes like moving out are always scary and especially if you are used to relying upon the people around you. The important thing is that now there are a lot of options available in terms of maintaining independence whilst also being able to be supported when you need.
Some adults with autism have regular meetings with social workers for example to check in with how independent living is going, others might have carers who support them occasionally or regularly. This link explains this a bit more:
https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/adult-residential-services
(I also just wanted to link some support and resources for suicide:
Samartians (24/7) | call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | call 0800 068 41 41 | text 07786 209 697 | email pat@payrus-uk.org
Supportline (hours vary) | call 01708 765 200 ).
I can't imagine how hard this is for you, but I undersand that you are feeling massively stressed and pressured at the moment. It may feel difficult to cope with it some days. What is imporant is to remember that there are always people who will support you, care for you and be interested of your interests. It's imporant that you focus on these people and build a positive circle around you.
The thought of living independently is always scary, but don't feel afraid to ask for help that you are confortable with if you need it. It is okay to have someone check on you and care for your needs when you feel low.
Have you talked to your family about your difficulties and feelings about managing household chores? Do you think they would be able to understand your position?
I hope and care to know if today finds you any better
Hello @AislingDM.
It sure has been frustrating.
Someday, I am worried I will be unable to stop myself from ending my life, even if I talk to a helpline. I also fear that struggling to live with my autism will drive me to do it. However, that is a good point. I forgot that support will be available for me if I struggle.
Thanks for your help and the resources.
Hello @zicky_zin.
Those are good points. I will remember them. Thanks.
Yes. I spoke to my mum about it before, but I cannot remember what she said. My mum would but I am not sure about my dad because he is not understanding of my disability.
I have not been feeling good today either. My brother was talking with my mum about what girls look for in men like men needing to have value if they want the top girl. It was nothing personal, but I was upset because I could not relate to his talk. My experience of a relationship will be different due to my disability. However, it will bring a uniqueness that will be attractive to a relationship.
After, I experienced memories of situations which made me feel people negatively perceive me.
My mentor gave me an example of receiving feedback in the future and told me that I would have to just over it if I took it personally. It felt unsupportive. Then, I imagined him saying people will not always communicate things differently.
I remember when a student gave me feedback, which I took personally. I was feeling patronised when she did not consider my feelings. Then, I imagined myself saying I was a horrible, despicable person. I said I would leave when I felt my tutor was attacking me about something and when I was in a group tutorial with her. I asked her why she asked about my weekend after the feedback she gave me.
I remember a staff member telling me he was sorry if what he said was harsh when giving me feedback, which felt sarcastic.
An AI writing assistant pointed out an error when I was commenting on a social media post, and then I thought about an old mentor who told me I do not need to write ‘as a whole’.
This kind of thoughts happen frequently.
From my point of view, each person in a relationship is unique, and that is what also makes every relationship different from each other. It is normal to not relate with the views of others' and what they look for in a relationship, or the opposite gender, as this is very subjective and personal, and each person looks for completely different things, or do not look for anything at all, and instead get attracted to the feelings the other person causes to them.
When it comes to your experience with your mentor, I believe that his view may was harsh, and you have every right to have felt unsupported. My experience with people with autism has taught me that there is this unnecessary discrimination towards them, while they may sometimes communicate differently to others or may not be familiar with certain communication cues. This, however, doesn't mean that you are a horrible person, or rude. Instead, think that all people communicate differently, but some of them actually choose to use empathy to relate and understand people with autism. Some may not even know how to initiate a conversation with them, and choose to remain unaware of the fact that there is diversity in communication cues and that you might perceive things differently if others aren't cautious of their attitude!
It is also their responsibility to go this extra mile to make you feel safe and by no means you should feel that you should explain yourself for your behaviour!
I can understand that this situation is very hard for you, and we are here whenever you feel like sharing your experience, and you're more than welcome to message me too, if you need.
Do you have any way/ method that helps you to alleviate your negative, stressful emotions when you get these thoughts? Like for example journaling, music, drawing?
Hey @vicky_zin.
Welcome to the community.
Well said.
I journal all my thoughts and feelings. I will listen to music, but I do not think that always help.
Thanks for your help. I appreciate it.
Completely, your fears of being unable to stop suicidal urges make complete sense. Not only are these intense thoughts and feelings very scary and overwhelming, but worrying that you will receive incomplete support from services which are untrained in supporting people with autism also makes sense. This is why I'm extremely thankful that you post so openly here on The Mix, so we can hopefully make you feel listened to and understood
Also, I know the points about feedback and perceptions weren't directed towards me, however, I just wanted to add on that I couldn't agree more with @vicky_zin ! People can just be so unthinking when they reply to you, write messages or talk out loud. Sometimes, I wonder if everyone considers people's emotions before talking, because if they say they are, why are they making us feel so criticised and unsupported?
I reckon some people take the view that 'criticism is worth it, no matter how I express it, because it will help the person to grow'. I for one think, this is not true. Criticism can be super valuable, especially when it's constructive! Nevertheless, if someone criticises you in a cold and unsupportive way, you're hardly going to be encouraged to make changes or to hear any positivity in their voice.
This is very unfair on you, and I'm very sorry you've been left questioning yourself/your perceptions, when really it seems as though others should simply be taking your feelings into account more!
Huge hugs xxx
Hello @AislingDM.
Well said. Thanks for your help.
I have been in a persistent low mood. I have continued to feel that people develop the same judgement of my character and make me feel different. I have been affected by my dad and brother framing my sensitivity as a negative personality trait, my dad being angry with me about things, and my mentor being emotionally unsupportive etc. These situations have been causing me to imagine worst-case scenarios.
I'm sorry to hear you haven't been coping very well still...Would you believe that talking to someone about this would help you anyhow? Do you have any person you feel close opening up to?
Hello @vicky_zin.
Yes and not really. I usually open up to people on helplines and on here.
I spoke to an online mental health community about how I have been feeling, and the moderator instantly turned the conversation positive. The moderator said that it is good to think positive and then I will shine with all kindness I have. I was also told to ignore all the people, and focus purely on myself and how I can make myself happy all the time. I shared how this made me feel and I was ignored. So, I felt my feelings were dismissed and not acknowledged.
Hello @Xee.
It did suck. Thanks for your support and resource. I have checked it out. It may be useful for me.
Hello @ebyrne556.
Thanks for checking in on me.
Frustratingly, others can become impatient with sensitive people, and I think this is even more true with men sometimes, where their sensitivity is perceived as a flaw, rather than a huge benefit that would hopefully make them a more compassionate person. You are certainly a kind person, and I want you to know that it's unfair of others to make you feel inadequate or undeserving of support simply because they do not understand or see the reality of the pain you are in!
Thank you for always being here with us anyway, I am always very grateful to see your posts xxx