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Feeling frustrated with healing
ninetales7
Posts: 8 Confirmed not a robot
For a bit of background, i've struggled with anxiety and depression since about 9 years old, i'm 22 now. I was always an anxious kid but after experiening constant bullying from the ages of 9-13 i've been left a nervous wreck. I've had general anxiety, social anxiety and mild agoraphobia. I also developed depression around this age due to the bullying, and gender dysphoria.
I was able to start recovery 2 years ago when i started transitioning and my dysphoria lifted. It was very difficult but i started talking to people again and now my social anxiety is very manageable, no complaints about that. I started rediscovering old hobbies and finding new ones, i started looking forward to things and being able to feel happiness again. However, i still stuggle with things like feeking numb, not feeling present, feeling tired and being unmotivated and feeling like things are pointless.
Anxiety has been a bit more difficult to heal from. I dont feel anxious emotionally (if that makes sense) as much anymore, but i have a lot of physical symptoms soon and my mind is contantly thinking of worries, and i feel irritable all the time. I still find it really hard to relax. Worst of all is that i find it really hard to think. Im easily confused and indecisive. When something requires a lot of thought my mind goes blank and it feels totally drained. I'm easily overstimulated, things like loud noises and crowds totally drain my energy. It makes many simple things really difficult.
I havent been to the doctor because they just make you do cbt and ive done thst before and i dont see how it will help with problems like always feeling tired or being unable to think. I did see a counselor at university but she dismissed pretty much everything i told her Ive been looking at self help instead but its so frustrating because i do everything right. I eat healthy, drink enough water, exercise and make time for thjgns i enjoy but i still feel like this. Its embarrassing to be a healthy young adult and to feel so tired all the time. Its embarrassing to not be able to think when i used to be smart and i love to learn things. I dont know what to do but im sick to death of not being able to function normally,
I was able to start recovery 2 years ago when i started transitioning and my dysphoria lifted. It was very difficult but i started talking to people again and now my social anxiety is very manageable, no complaints about that. I started rediscovering old hobbies and finding new ones, i started looking forward to things and being able to feel happiness again. However, i still stuggle with things like feeking numb, not feeling present, feeling tired and being unmotivated and feeling like things are pointless.
Anxiety has been a bit more difficult to heal from. I dont feel anxious emotionally (if that makes sense) as much anymore, but i have a lot of physical symptoms soon and my mind is contantly thinking of worries, and i feel irritable all the time. I still find it really hard to relax. Worst of all is that i find it really hard to think. Im easily confused and indecisive. When something requires a lot of thought my mind goes blank and it feels totally drained. I'm easily overstimulated, things like loud noises and crowds totally drain my energy. It makes many simple things really difficult.
I havent been to the doctor because they just make you do cbt and ive done thst before and i dont see how it will help with problems like always feeling tired or being unable to think. I did see a counselor at university but she dismissed pretty much everything i told her Ive been looking at self help instead but its so frustrating because i do everything right. I eat healthy, drink enough water, exercise and make time for thjgns i enjoy but i still feel like this. Its embarrassing to be a healthy young adult and to feel so tired all the time. Its embarrassing to not be able to think when i used to be smart and i love to learn things. I dont know what to do but im sick to death of not being able to function normally,
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Comments
First of all, I just want to thank you for laying all of your experiences out so clearly, you're clearly a very intelligent person who knows themself very well and this helps us to better-understand why this is so painful for you. I'm sure being so self-aware can be in and of itself draining, because you can think so deeply about the pain you're in and half the time you're left more confused because of this. Regardless, I really appreciate reading through how things are for you right now xx
It sounds like you have faced so much pain in this short life, not least of all the constant ongoing anxiety and bullying you suffered in childhood, but also the immense distress of gender dysphoria. I can't even begin to imagine how much anguish this has caused you, it's no wonder you were left in such a hopeless state for such a long period. Given this, it's all the more impressive that you were able to commence recovery over the past couple of years, because that's certainly never an easy task for anyone
It seems like, because the experience of your anxiety has changed a fair bit since your younger years (i.e., moving from emotional to physical symptoms) it has been really challenging and complex to understand how you're mean to cope with this and what it means for you now as an adult.
I think you make such an important point about how frustrating it is to head off to the doctor and only receive back a basic response about getting CBT, when you know you need more than that / something different to that. Plus, when you've already faced dismissive vibes from the counsellor at university, it's hardly going to endear you to reaching out for more help in that same way. This makes total sense, honestly.
Plus, you're already doing so many great things in terms of looking after your physical health and making time for joy in your personal live, so now you're left wondering what to do?
One thing I was wondering is, do you think the cause of the tiredness could be something physical? (of course I'm not trying to make assumptions here, but sometimes there are underlying health issues no matter how healthy your lifestyle is, e.g., conditions like POTS).
Aside from the tiredness, it seems that the lack of motivation is really hitting you hard, and this is definitely made all the more scary when you are such a lover of learning! Maybe a good place to start is thinking about when the numbness and lack of motivation began? (even if it's only a rough timeframe).
No pressure to answer any of these questions, of course
It sounds like you have been through a lot in life and to be honest I think it is amazing that you keep going and push through. You are so strong
Anxiety can be difficult and it seems that you have faced different challenges with this throughout your life, it sounds like you're doing the right things in terms of looking after yourself which is great, when you tried CBT did you find any coping strategies that worked? Just speaking from my own experience with CBT I found a few useful ones and I will admit they don't always work but they have been a big help with my own anxiety (no pressure to answer that question if you don't want to).
Always here to talk if you want the chat more
It's important to remember that recovery from anxiety and depression is a process that can take time and effort. It's also important to seek professional help when needed. There are many different approaches to therapy, and it may be worth exploring other options with a mental health professional. Additionally, medication may be a helpful tool for managing your symptoms. Mindfulness meditation can also be helpful for managing anxiety and improving focus. You can also consider journaling or talking to a trusted friend or family member about your feelings.
It's important to be patient with yourself and to remember that recovery is possible. Don't be too hard on yourself for struggling, and try to celebrate small victories along the way. Most importantly, remember that you're not alone, and there are people who are willing to listen to and help you.