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17 year old perspective
mk1881
Posts: 131 The Mix Convert
Welcome to another rambling post about my current situations. Settle in, grab a cup of tea and get ready for the angst and exaggerations, because honestly, most situations aren't as bad as we make them out to be.
I thought of writing another poem but decided not to simply because I didn't know exactly what direction I wanted to go in. I talk about Thomas alot, so I'll just give a brief statement on him this time, since he has been briefly in my life as of late. Thomas, sweet sweet Thomas.. Ah well I invited him to hang out but his girlfriend doesn't have work tomorrow so they'll be hanging out. He said he'd let me know when we could hang out but also mentioned that his girlfriend didn't want us to hang out at all. I'm kind of over the over-possessiveness of their relationship. When I was in a relationship I was never overly possessive and in fact usually encouraged my partner in any exploration they questioned. It's kind of whatever right now. I have yet another romantic pursuit, this time quite a bit more concerning.
We'll call him Xxak. He's 25, I also work with him. He loves cars and he's spent way too much money on his car which is currently in the shop because he hit a deer. He's really funny, quirky and intelligent. We've gotten together after work in his car a few times and things lead to "stuff." After a bit more thought on both of our behalfs, we decided that it's best in everyone's case if we wait till I'm 18 so that he doesn't get introuble legally. This was a difficult decision to make and I miss him and would like him to be available to me, but there are certain things we can't help (age for instance). So now I'm waiting.
As far as family, well. My parents are sweet and dear to me they just don't understand quite fully. I recently told my father about my inability to effectively fully grasp the concept of his love for me, not because of anything he's doing or isn't doing just simply because it's a foreign concept to me. Not to say that I haven't felt love or don't believe in it but that I just don't feel it. I know my parents love me but I don't always feel it. I don't know. School still sucks, royally. I'm trying to do better as the year is wrapping up though in hopes to get my car by the summer. Everything kind of feels mundane. Like that life is meant to be a cycle. That is isn't about our accomplishments because we're conditioned to marry have kids, die, then our kids to have kids and continue on in that way. But I don't just want to be a creator intended to make a product that will outlive me. I don't really know what I want to do in my life.
I wanted to be a music therapist but now I don't want to go to college and I'm not even sure I want to do anything related to music anymore. I think I want to write a book of poems and see if I can get it published. Oh also, I had the stomach flu last week and it got really bad. I threw up alot and since I already have acid reflux, my mom thinks I'm bulimic. Which is just great. I don't know.
I thought of writing another poem but decided not to simply because I didn't know exactly what direction I wanted to go in. I talk about Thomas alot, so I'll just give a brief statement on him this time, since he has been briefly in my life as of late. Thomas, sweet sweet Thomas.. Ah well I invited him to hang out but his girlfriend doesn't have work tomorrow so they'll be hanging out. He said he'd let me know when we could hang out but also mentioned that his girlfriend didn't want us to hang out at all. I'm kind of over the over-possessiveness of their relationship. When I was in a relationship I was never overly possessive and in fact usually encouraged my partner in any exploration they questioned. It's kind of whatever right now. I have yet another romantic pursuit, this time quite a bit more concerning.
We'll call him Xxak. He's 25, I also work with him. He loves cars and he's spent way too much money on his car which is currently in the shop because he hit a deer. He's really funny, quirky and intelligent. We've gotten together after work in his car a few times and things lead to "stuff." After a bit more thought on both of our behalfs, we decided that it's best in everyone's case if we wait till I'm 18 so that he doesn't get introuble legally. This was a difficult decision to make and I miss him and would like him to be available to me, but there are certain things we can't help (age for instance). So now I'm waiting.
As far as family, well. My parents are sweet and dear to me they just don't understand quite fully. I recently told my father about my inability to effectively fully grasp the concept of his love for me, not because of anything he's doing or isn't doing just simply because it's a foreign concept to me. Not to say that I haven't felt love or don't believe in it but that I just don't feel it. I know my parents love me but I don't always feel it. I don't know. School still sucks, royally. I'm trying to do better as the year is wrapping up though in hopes to get my car by the summer. Everything kind of feels mundane. Like that life is meant to be a cycle. That is isn't about our accomplishments because we're conditioned to marry have kids, die, then our kids to have kids and continue on in that way. But I don't just want to be a creator intended to make a product that will outlive me. I don't really know what I want to do in my life.
I wanted to be a music therapist but now I don't want to go to college and I'm not even sure I want to do anything related to music anymore. I think I want to write a book of poems and see if I can get it published. Oh also, I had the stomach flu last week and it got really bad. I threw up alot and since I already have acid reflux, my mom thinks I'm bulimic. Which is just great. I don't know.
"But our lives will only ever always Continue to be A balancing act That has less to do with pain And more to do with beauty." -Shane Koyczan
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Comments
Thak you for reaching out, it's great to get updates on your life and we're always here to help if you need any support. I'm sorry to hear you've had the flu in the past week and that your mother misconstrued the situation, that sounds very overwhelming.
Firstly, I'd like to commend you for being so open about your feelings, you talked quite a bit about Thomas and now Xxak with a lot of honesty and self-awareness. You've mentioned being frustrated by the over possessiveness of Thomas' relationship with his girlfriend and it's understandable that you might be annoyed by it. Not being able to see a person that is so important to you must be very difficult.
You've said you and Xxak have been waiting to engage in any sexual activity. Can I ask you if you live in the Uk? I just want to make sure you're aware that the age of consent in the UK is 16 and therefore you would be able to legally engage in sexual activity with anyone above your age if you are 17 years old, unless the adult in question is in a position of authority or someone who is supposed to be taking care of you. Does XXak fit any of these exceptions? You've also mentioned that he is your coworker. Many work environments have rules in place when it comes to relationships between people who work together, so I'm just making sure you check out if your place of work has any policy in place for cases such as these. You've mentioned finding this situation difficult, can you tell us a bit more about your feelings around your age gap and waiting?
It also seems like you have contrasting feelings when it comes to understanding your parents' love for you. It's great that you tried to communicate to your parents how you feel and how you perceive your relationship. I agree that it can be very complicated to wrap your head around the idea of 'family' and the expectations that come with it, as you mentioned having kids might not be everyone's goal and it's completely okay to find that that kind of life would not be ideal for you and does not have any appeal to you as a person. You mentioned feeling like everything is mundane and having trouble coming to terms with your parents' love towards you, would you like to elaborate a bit more about these feelings? would 'numb' be a good descriptor for how you've been feeling?
I also want to reassure you that it's okay to feel lost or confused about the future and what kind of career path you would like to purse. It is frustrating to have plans in place and to feel the need to change them because they do not fit your needs anymore. However, it's also great that you have things to look forward to, like getting your car, and maybe writing a book of poems. It's amazing of you to have such a fulfilling hobby and trying to get your poems to be published sounds like a good plan
Thank you for taking the time to respond and show genuine concern. It's highly appreciated. I am aware of the age of consent but the law still undermines it because if the situation ever got out of hand and say went to court, my parents would still be able to have ultimate say in the matter and could misconstrue what actually could've potentially happened. To avoid that, I'm just waiting till I'm 18 to keep him safe and myself safe. The age gap does suck and generally I don't advise people seeking wide age gaps such as this but I think that each relationship is different and shouldn't be defined by things we simply can't control, like race, age, gender, etc. I'm still taking the time to get to know him and who know over the course of the year that I'm waiting till I'm 18, I could lose interest. I've accepted waiting just because I recently came to the realization that I could be pursuing this relationship just because I can't have a relationship with Thomas. I don't think that this is necessarily the case because I've always been slightly interested in Xxak. But I also don't want to pursue someone out of my own hurt.
Numb would be a good descriptor. I'm not super worried about it as of this point in time. I'm trying to focus more on school and working on my book of poems. I've recently submitted some of my poetry to a publication and am waiting to hear back from them so wish me luck!! Again thank you for your response, hoping you have a great day.
I can hear how you are mainly feeling numb at the moment though. Would you like to tell us more about what feeling numb looks like for you at the moment?
We are all here for you and listening to you if you would like to share more with us. Really glad to hear you are trying to focus more on school and your book of poems.
School and your book of poems sound like really positive things for you at the moment. Wishing you the best of luck with the submission of your poetry to a publication.
Please feel free to let us know how this goes and if you would like to talk about anything further. You don't have to face this, or anything else, alone if you don't want to