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Been feeling very low today

Creativeboy23Creativeboy23 Posts: 330 The Mix Regular
edited November 2022 in Health & Wellbeing
Hello all.

I was thinking about how the neurotypical narrative is pushed onto me, when I have autism and how it is dismissed by my autism support team. I was doing some research for an assignment, and ended up imagining some staff that have supported me outside of education vouching for me, saying that my experience at university is not right. However, a deputy additional learning support manager was ignoring my autistic difficulties, putting me at fault. I was thinking about my mentor supporting me in a neurotypical way, not understanding that my autism makes me learn differently. I feel people want me to change the way I am. I was thinking about how my DSA support staff expect me to grasp time management quickly, like neurotypical students. I was struggling with paraphrasing some research, and ended up imagining again the deputy additional learning support manager ignoring my autistic difficulties, putting me at fault. This is because in the past she just placed a lot of emphasis on university being independent, not acknowledging that my autism affects the way I study, which has stayed with me. I was thinking about the ridiculousness of having to wait till the week after to get support with paraphrasing, delaying my studies.

I was feeling that a receptionist at my university was being abrupt, when I asked her where the sports centre was. She told me that is in the Student Union building and quickly moved on to helping another student, in a way that appeared like I asked a foolish question. So, I walked away feeling worse and like an outsider and isolated from others as I walking past them. I went down to the sport centre to find the help desk for a technical problem, and ended up seeing some girls walk up the stairs like they have just come out the changing room, with one of them covering. This made me feel I was intruding in the wrong area. I was also feeling under the spotlight for that when this girl on a table was looking at me, and for how I was feeling.

I have been feeling stuck in isolation, as I have to wait to be let in a society and for a response from a female student I met in the canteen and had a follow up conversation with at my university.

I was not supported enough with a computer issue. I explained to a library staff member that when I locked a computer, it will unlock itself but she just told me I could use 'switch user' to lock my screen, but that it is risky as someone may sign in as them, which did not solve my problem. So, I just felt she just did not want to bother helping me with the issue.

Walking from my university, I was imagining my dad criticising me for noticing me upset, and saying a horrible comment, getting on top of my feeling because he has done so before. I was saying to him that you do not have a right to say comments like that when you know that I am feeling suicidal. I was remembering when he said no will want to go with someone who is sensitive, which has stayed with me to this day, and I have been doomed to forgiving him when he has repeatedly hurt me. I was imagining him again spotting me upset and forcing me to open up to him as he has before, and I was saying to him that I do not want to share with you because you usually say hurtful comments. In the thought, he was making out that he would not shout, and genuinely wanted to help me, when that was not the case. I was saying to him it does not matter if you are angry and that that does not give you the right to say that comment.

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