Am I a bad girlfriend?

Ginge20 · August 2022

Hi,

I have recently been told that I am a bad girlfriend to my partner (not by him, by some friends) and I can't stop thinking about it. Me and my partner have been together for nearly 2 years and I can honestly say I have never been happier. We have our little spats but its nothing not normal I don't think. I have been told that I get too mardy over things and that I overreact to situations which causes them to spiral out of control. Whilst I can agree with this partly, it still hurts to know that that's how people see me. My partner recently said a similar thing and I just don't know if that is how I am with him? I feel awful about it and I just want him to be happy with me.

I have recently put on some weight and I have started to feel very self-conscious about it, its caused me to feel awful about myself and hate my body and I have even started to develop some unhealthy eating habits as well. I was SA'd when I was 16 and ever since my body and my image has mattered a lot to me, it bothers me that I now have a horrible body. Whether all this has led to a change in my behaviour towards my partner I don't know but I just want him to be happy and maybe my mardiness and irritability isn't making him happy and I am scared for what that means for our relationship.

Any advice, on my relationship or my weight, would be greatly appreciated

Thanks,

Maisy · September 2022

Hi there,

I wouldn't give too much attention to what some friends say. They may have their own motivations for saying such things and even if they had been told of a spat you and your partner had, they may only know one side of the story.

The fact that your partner has said a similar thing is a bit of a concern. Do you think you could try talking to me about what he said and ask him what he meant. It may be there were specific circumstances or maybe he finds that it's your overall mood. Then ask yourself how you have been feeling recently. Do these things match up? If they do, try not to feel bad about it (easier said than done). Your partner would probably want you to be less mardy, but it's important to listen to your feelings and not try to pretend to be less mardy either.

The problem with someone saying that you are 'too mardy' or that you 'overreact' is that it's difficult to measure emotions. We all react to things differently. What one person finds as nothing more than a minor annoyance, someone else might get really upset about. It doesn't mean that one person is wrong for the way they react. Of course, in some cases, we may realise that we have jumped to conclusions or had strong emotions to something that we later realised didn't really warrant a strong emotional responses. In those times, it can be good to look back at what happened, what we thought, felt and did, and what ended up happening and try to find ways of lessening our reactions e.g. take time to think about things first before responding or using 'watchful waiting' to see whether something gets worse or better before intervening.

It's also normal for weight to fluctuate, even if we put on more than we'd like. I also understand that having previously been SA'd then you may be more concerned with your body and image. However, putting on weight doesn't mean that your body is horrible. Since you feel more self-conscious then it may have also affected your mood. However, what matters isn't necessarily whether you are making your partner happy but how you are feeling about yourself.

If you feel that you are struggling, maybe you could let your partner know? You could say how what the friends have said and what he has said has bothered you, and that you also realise you are unhappy with yourself too. Your partner should try to be supportive and perhaps both of you could come up with ways to help you e.g. seeking counselling for body image issues, working on your emotions but also your partner and friends stop telling you that you are mardy or overreacting.

Take care

Ginge20 · September 2022

Hi @Maisy,

Thank you for your response and your lovely words, they mean a lot. I think you are right, emotions fluctuate so much, especially around stressful times. Since posting my original discussion, I have felt somewhat better. Me and my partner have actually spoken about things and we are doing much better. I understand that I did indeed overreact and I have apologised for how I have been acting lately as I now know it wasn't called for. I have been experiencing some stressful times recently due to family issues and this weight gain but he understands and supports me a lot. I plan to start a new exercise routine and eating better to try and lose a little weight and whilst I know I shouldn't feel I have to lose this weight, I know it's what I want. If I can feel better within myself, I think this will strengthen our relationship and hopefully reduce my stress and in turn strengthen our relationship.

Thank you for the advice and support

Am I a bad girlfriend?

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