If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Sexuality, Unwanted Attention, Finding Friendships, Isolation
Mitchall
Posts: 38 Boards Initiate
Since I have been out as a transgender person throughout my whole time in experience everywhere online and in my city, no one has ever believed nor accepted me for the sexuality I am, while my previous post highlights all the barriers and deal breakers on the trait side over the impossibility I have always had with finding any friendships at all, those are not the only barriers and deal breakers that have always have and that are still preventing me from finding hope in finding friendships, my sexuality has always seemed to be the issue here too, because I am trans I have always been involved in LGBTQA+ groups both in person and online, but I have never found any of these groups supportive or inclusive they make out to be only always had the complete opposite experience instead, I have only ever took part in these groups because I am trans, but because my sexuality is Heterosexual this is the reason on why I have never been welcomed and treated fairly with equal inclusion to others in these groups, I have always happened to be the only transgender person in these groups that is Hetrosexual, but I always thought that being transgender would still give me valid access to still be involved, I always thought that these groups would be an inclusive space for me as a transgender person and always thought these groups would be a easy route for me to encounter some friendships, but because of my sexuality being outside of this umbrella it has always made these environments hostile communities for me to be involved in, because all the guys in these groups have never been interested in friendships apart from only with people of their own sexuality, but I have always been open and inclusive to having gay people as part of my friend zone, but all bisexual men and gay men I have come across have always tried to trick me into friendship so they can try and hit on me instead even though all these people know that I am hetrosexual from seeing my profiles online, but in person instead of being considerate to ask me what my sexuality is they have always assumed it instead and have tried to hit on me before giving me chance to make my sexuality clear to them, but this has never stopped these guys from trying to hit on me they have all always tried to continue to flirt regardless but they always become hostile when I tell them all to stop and that I don't appreciate it, they all turn horrible and call me a homophobe just because for being honest with them that I don't appreciate them hitting on me and flirting, this is why I have never been able to fit in LGBTQA+ communities at all regardless of being transgender because these people have always overstepped my own comfort and boundaries, refused to acknowledge the sexuality I am and always breached against it by expecting further than a friendship from me and always try to pressurise me into changing my sexuality when that's always blatantly been impossible and always will be, unfortunately when trying to make friends with guys in the LGBTQA+ community they have always expected further than friendship, this is why I have never found LGBTQA+ groups helpful with making friends at all despite being transgender, not only have all these people always refused to accept me for being hetrosexual and always got offended by me telling them to stop trying to flirt with me and them all calling me homophobic, but even most other hetrosexual guys and even most women agree with them about being homophobic but I have always been confused to how I am homophobic just because I don't appreciate any form of unplatonic attention from men, all this on top of my personal traits has also always been the reason why finding friendships has always been impossible for me, as so far everywhere I have been so far in my life I have never been believed and accepted for being hetrosexual and I have always been called and classes as homophobic by people and this issue has always been one of the issues aswell as my traits on why I have always felt odd, rejected and isolated from society as a whole and why I have always felt alone and like a alien, it's like I am not allowed to have my own sexuality it's like I'm expected to be able to change what gender I am attracted to when that's never been possible for me at all, I found out that I am only attracted to women round the same time I figured out that I'm transgender, all these people I encountered so far in my life have never accepted me for myself and have always tried to manipulate me into feeling rubbish and stupid in myself just because I refuse to change to what they expect/want out of me, I used to be under a charity called Autistic Nottingham for support, but I never was lucky enough to gain any friendships out of that due to people there finding me boring when I told them all that I am intolerant to smoking and refuse to stand near or around anyone at all when they are smoking and when I told them that I am ESA/PIP and unable to be unemployed due to mental health, they thought I was a waste and eventually when I shared all this experience I am talking about in this post with them in their Discord online social group, they all called me homophobic just for using the two words "masculine" and "feminine" about people not believing that I am not hetrosexual because they think I don't look it or have the traits and style etc such because I have a baby face apparently? so unfortunately as much as I tried to apologize to them all for them misunderstanding what I was trying to say, they all refuse to understand and became hostile to the point they wouldn't stop calling me homophobic and kept on muting me and kicking me out the group, even my own advocate was against me and refused to understand that I was not intentionally being homophobic at all if they were still convinced i let off that vibe, because they still kept refusing to understand, I had no choice but to withdraw myself from being involved in anything to do with their service anymore, so I cut myself out completely before August last year, I found another charity similar but it's a charity that supports lonely people, they gave me the exact same experience as them in regards to calling me homophobic just because I asked them if they will be able to support me if I get the same problem from any guys in their group, before this at my first appointment with them they refused to be helpful with directing me to find the building, they blamed me for being late just because It took me ages to find the building and the appointment only lasted for 15 minutes at the time then told me after the appointment that they will be in contact with me in due course when they have their social groups up and running, so I waited it out but they never even got in contact with me at all, I was following their Facebook page and they were advertising their groups being open the whole time as I was still waiting for them to get in touch, so I chased them up through Instagram where I originally contacted them when I first came across them, they were online and saw my message at the time so I went off the app to give them chance to reply, I gave them a month to give them chance to reply but they never did, so I went on their website grabbed their email address from there then I reached out to them through email, they only replied once on there, but only with hostile news telling me that they have had to block me on all the social media pages and that they will contact me about the social groups when they are ready to, even though the group's were being advertised and hosted the whole time, sorry if this rant is too long to read but I am so confused on why I have never been welcome and accepted anywhere just because I refuse put up with unplatonic attention that I get from guys and just because I refuse to change who I am for people, I just don't understand why I have never been accepted, why I have never been treated equal and appreciated as equal to everyone else, I just can't get my head around the reason.
For those of you who have read this far I am really grateful for all your devoted time, if anyone is able to offer me any advice no matter how small I would really deeply be grateful for any type of support.
Thank you 😇
For those of you who have read this far I am really grateful for all your devoted time, if anyone is able to offer me any advice no matter how small I would really deeply be grateful for any type of support.
Thank you 😇
3
Comments
Well done for reaching out for support. I always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out.
I am really sorry to hear you don't feel accepted or supported. It sounds like you have experienced some really tough times when trying to reach out for support and friendships.
I think you are doing all of the right things. You are continuing to reach out for support despite your previous difficult experiences, you are setting polite boundaries, and you are finding new groups. You should be proud of yourself, I know we are proud of you.
I always believe in being who you are. If these groups are facilitated by staff, please make sure they are aware of the unkind treatment you receive. If mean things are said on social media, please know you can report them and block them. You do not deserve to be treated unkindly.
I am so sorry to hear you have not found LGBTQA+ groups to be supportive. You are right, you have the same rights to be in LGTBQA+ groups as everyone else. If facilitated, the Equality Act (2010) should be applied and you have every right to report people if they are not complying with this. How do you feel about going to pride? You may meet more people with similar experiences at pride.
In terms of autism social groups, when I last heard from you, you were hoping to start accessing AEM. I am just wondering if you have received any updates about this yet? I think it could be a great opportunity to meet other people with autism. As I said before, there are also the National Autistic Society's social groups if this is something you would feel comfortable with and want to access. You can find more information about the National Autistic Society's social groups at https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/support-in-the-community/social-groups.
We are here for you and listening to you
From the sounds of it, it seems as though people are being extremely dismissive and horrid about your thoughts and feelings, especially in LGBT+ spaces which should be areas of inclusion and understanding, as you have said! To experience such exclusion from groups which are meant to pride themselves on empathy and openness is truly a disgrace. Especially when you are merely expressing the fact that you don't appreciate unwanted sexual advances. No one deserves to be 'hit on' or approached sexually if they don't want to be, and you do not have to apologise for not enjoying this! If a gay man felt uncomfortable about a woman hitting on him, he is more than welcome to let her know that and they should be able to move on from the experience. But the fact that men have repeatedly made you feel uncomfy and then disrespected your attempts at enforcing boundaries is simply not okay, and not at all what you deserve, I promise
It also sounds like there have been a few different groups who have marketed themselves as being inclusive, understanding and accommodating to people with MH needs and autism, yet when they actually have to make efforts to work with you, suddenly they can no longer be bothered. This simply is not okay, and the fact that you have been mistreated in this way multiple times must make you feel even more hopeless in this situation, it's no wonder you're feeling so lost and alone right now.
Despite how distressing these experiences have been, you are still here being open and vulnerable with us today and for that I am extremely grateful!! Beyond looking into other LGBT+ groups in Nottingham (which I've had a little looksie at, but don't want to post any links in case one of them is the group that was not nice at all!) I wonder about connecting via social media directly with straight trans people, it may sound so ridiculous, but sometimes I just type into the Twitter search bar random interests or things related to my identity to see if there is anyone who would be open to connecting with me
I sincerely hope that you will be able to develop friendships with people, as you sound like a truly wonderful person who does not deserve to live this life without the active support of mates! Here if you'd like to talk things out some more, and big hugs to you
Thanks for your response. It is great to hear from you again. Though, please don't worry about not responding (at least not with just a delay). I am sorry to hear you are still experiencing the same problem everywhere.
I hope things improve. For you, I think it is about spending more time in positive and supportive spaces. This may involve replacing less supportive spaces with new and supportive spaces! I just want you to know that we are here for you if you ever want to talk to us
Thanks for your response. I really appreciate that you have not felt comfortable, supported, or cared for in the spaces where you have a right to be and that must be really tough for you. I do think a key part of that is how the spaces rather than you are facilitated and moderated.
I have since discovered that The National Autistic Society has an LGBTQ+ online branch. If this is something you are interested in exploring further, you can find it at https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/branches/online?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=onlinebranches&utm_content=webpage.
I hope this helps but most importantly I want you to know that we are sorry for what you have experienced and are here for you and listening to you!
I know the idea of making friends IRL has become so impossible and particularly the idea of going to a LGBT+ group in person, but I wanted to hear some more about why making friends online has always been a 'hopeless' endeavour? I wonder if there are any ways we can try to support you through the process. Being rejected by others is simply a devastating and awful experience, especially when it has become a familiar pattern for you, and so it is beyond reasonable to feel like the prospect of making friends is not going to happen and so we don't want to push you into something that you don't feel ready for, but anything that might bring you peace from feelings of loneliness should hopefully be useful
Aisling unfortunately no LGBTQA+ place has ever been inclusive at all, making friends online has always been simply impossible because I am boring, I am intolerant to smoking, I am unvaccinated and people won't accept that I'm straight, I've never had no hope anywhere at all with finding friendship's at all, nowhere at school, nowhere at college, nowhere at any youth clubs and nowhere online, I was hoping I might find some inclusive people here who are also looking for friendships.
Thanks for your response. I am really proud of you for working out what doesn't work for you as that is one step closer to working out what does work for you.
If you were interested in joining groups for people with autism, I am just wondering if you have looked at the National Autistic Society's online groups? They have an LGBTQ+ online branch (https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/branches/online?). I believe they are free to attend!
I am so sorry to hear you haven't been accepted before or been able to make friends, that must be really tough. You deserve better and I hope you can find it!
to start with, they should start u with a low price depending if its a CIC or not. if they r acting unprofessionally u can refuse to pay. maybe social services would b the best place to start