Q&A with Kate - a counsellor at The Mix

Hi everyone,

Anti-bullying week is on 15th November and we'll be running a Q&A session with one of our counsellors here at The Mix.

Kate will be logging in on Monday and Wednesday to answer any questions posted. If you or someone you know is struggling with bullying, self-esteem, friendships, or anything you'd like advice on, feel free to ask any questions you might have.

When?
The Expert Q&A will take place on Monday 15 November and Wednesday 17 November.

Where?
Your questions will be answered in this thread. Feel free to post questions from today ready for Kate to answer when she logs in.

How will this work?
If you have a question for Kate, you can either write it out in this thread or use the form where you can ask your questions anonymously.

Find more posts tagged with

Bullying

Q&A

expertq&a

Comments

independent_

What should you do if your school aren’t taking action on bullying? My old school were terrible for this, you’d report bullying and nothing would be done. It happened to my sister and it happened to many of my friends.

TheMix

Thank you so much for posting your question @independent_

Kate will be logging in on Monday and Wednesday next week to answer any questions. If anyone has any questions, please do post them here or through our anonymous form here - https://forms.office.com/r/evsLvm4cpp

- Aife

Emma_

What would you suggest someone did if bullying was happening within their friendship group? Especially if the person who was being bullied didn't recognise it as bullying?

Dancer

I have been a victim of bullying at school in the past and also on social media and outside of school. This has triggered anxiety for me particularly when at school as this is where most of the bullying has happened and I end up struggling to cope. I know that my anxiety isn't just due to the bullying but I don't want to constantly be feeling like this? What can I do to try and help myself cope with the past memories and the anxiety? I'm on the waiting list to see a counsellor at my school which should hopefully help.

ellie2000

bullies r insecure, they r cowards nd they will do anything to get out of trouble ie. starting a family so they think they're unsuitable for jail, wen ur vunerable they no it and they take advantage of that weak point tht they have seen. wen u confront them, they call the police on u, they make u think tht its ur faught. the year tht u r about to tell the police, police mite get to u first for a minor thing tht someone else told u it was alright to do then u think the police, social services and every1 around u arent helping n then u start to crumble nd u get abused by ppl who r supposed to be proffessional

Laura_tigger82

Hi @Dancer and @ellie2000

Sorry to hear you both have experiences with this. I do too! It is good to hear you have both reached out for support with this. Other sources of support include Chidlline, Samaritans and the pastoral support in your educational settings. I hope you both receive the support you need. More internally, you are both always welcome to contact The Mix helpline! Stay strong both of you. Better days are coming even if you can't see it at the moment

TheMix

Thank you for your questions everyone

Here's a question from our form:

what counts as bullying?

TheMix

One more question that's come through from the form:

How to tell someone you are being bullied. what to do when you dont know how to cope with bad self esteem

Former Member

As a volunteer counsellor with The Mix, I am so pleased to be involved in the Anti-Bullying Week. With increased awareness of the effects of bullying, attention can be drawn to supporting those that need it. With increased understanding of bullying, those suffering from being bullied can begin to appreciate that it is not them that is the "problem"; the "problem" lies deep in the suffering of others. With increased discussions on bullying, we can empower all of us to believe in ourselves and stand up to situations that challenge us. Together we can support eachother to find our true inner strength.

Former Member

independent_ wrote: »

What should you do if your school aren’t taking action on bullying? My old school were terrible for this, you’d report bullying and nothing would be done. It happened to my sister and it happened to many of my friends.

Thank you, independent, for your post. Being in an unsupportive environment is demotivating and demoralising. One of the first things we are told, when confronted with bullying, is to tell someone of responsibility, someone who can make a change. If, when we do this, nothing changes, we start to lose faith in the systems that are in place to support us.

Alongside offering support for those suffering the bullying (directing them to services such as The Mix, Childline, Kidscape) it could be a case of investigating beyond the school. According to the government's website (search: bullying at school government) all state schools should have a policy in place for preventing bullying. Should it be experienced that the policy is not being implemented, you can contact the Department for Education, or Ofsted.

It may not be an easy step to take, however for schools to be effective in their role of educating members of our society, they need to be safe places for all of us.

I do hope that your sister and your friends received, or are receiving, the support that they need.

Former Member

Emma_ wrote: »

What would you suggest someone did if bullying was happening within their friendship group? Especially if the person who was being bullied didn't recognise it as bullying?

Thank you, Emma, for your post. Friendship groups can provide such incredible support and sense of belonging. However, they can provide the absolute opposite, and cause such hurt and feelings of isolation and exclusion.

Should this situation be taking place in a school setting, I wonder if maybe a teacher could be informed (anonymously) who could then offer a mini-lesson to the class discussing what a good friend is. Kidscape has a page on defining what a good friend is.

It could be that some of us have never had experience of a positive relationship, and have not developed the self-belief and respect needed for demanding a positive friendship. Through demonstrating and supporting those offering such a friendship, we can lead by example and show others how to be a good friend.

I do hope that this person learns the true value of friendship and the wonderful qualities that a good friend can bring into their life.

Former Member

Dancer wrote: »

I have been a victim of bullying at school in the past and also on social media and outside of school. This has triggered anxiety for me particularly when at school as this is where most of the bullying has happened and I end up struggling to cope. I know that my anxiety isn't just due to the bullying but I don't want to constantly be feeling like this? What can I do to try and help myself cope with the past memories and the anxiety? I'm on the waiting list to see a counsellor at my school which should hopefully help.

Thank you, Dancer, for your courageous post of your experiences of bullying. What strength you have. And what an inspiration you are to others with similar experiences. You do not need to suffer the effects of bullying alone, and this type of forum is such a way to connect with others and to gain even more strength from eachother.

Bullying can have long-lasting effects on our well-being, and it is of such importance to seek support, as you are doing with seeking counselling at school. When suffering bullying, we are likely surrounded by negativity being projected onto us, maybe there are few occasions of hearing positive words. We all need to hear positive words directed towards us, otherwise we may start to believe the negative ones. We need to stand up for ourselves and bring positivity to our core, rejecting the negativity being thrown at us. Talking to trusted others can help with this.

Anxiety can become rooted deep within us, and counselling can support with digging it up and working through the cause. In order to manage the daily impact of anxiety, I wonder if you have ever tried the visualising of a "calm place". Think of a time in your life when you felt totally calm and at peace, with no worries or anxieties. What can you see? What can you hear? What can you feel? What can you smell? What can you taste? Allow yourself to remain in this "calm place" for as long as you can, and allow this experience to visit you every day. Over time, maybe this "calm place" will take up residence deep within you, nudging your anxiety a little out of the way.

If you like this exercise, Dancer, I would love to hear your experience of it. In the meantime, keep connecting with that inner strength of yours.

Former Member

ellie2000 wrote: »

bullies r insecure, they r cowards nd they will do anything to get out of trouble ie. starting a family so they think they're unsuitable for jail, wen ur vunerable they no it and they take advantage of that weak point tht they have seen. wen u confront them, they call the police on u, they make u think tht its ur faught. the year tht u r about to tell the police, police mite get to u first for a minor thing tht someone else told u it was alright to do then u think the police, social services and every1 around u arent helping n then u start to crumble nd u get abused by ppl who r supposed to be proffessional

Thank you, ellie2000, for your post. You describe so well the manipulative nature of bullying behaviour. It can make us feel powerless and unsupported. If we also feel abandoned by the social support services, we can feel isolated, vulnerable and exposed.

In this instance, it would be important to gain individual support for your well-being. If surrounded by behaviour that feels to be destructive, seek interaction that has an aim to empower you. The Mix, Kidscape, Childline, Bullying.co.uk, can all offer support in such cases. With external support you can build up the understanding that you are not the cause for this destructive behaviour, you have many elements making up you and your identity - counselling can support you connecting with these positive and strong elements. You can define your own identity.

Former Member

"What counts as bullying?"

Bullying can take many different forms and can take place in different settings. Whether it is in school, home, clubs, work.....bullying can cause lasting effects and should be addressed as soon as possible.

Bullying is when someone is the recipient of persistent behaviour that makes them feel ridiculed and worthless. Such bullying behaviour can be verbal (teasing, name-calling), social (spreading rumours, excluding from groups), and physical (hitting, taking/breaking things). There is often an infliction of a perceived or real power difference.

It is not acceptable, and noone should be on the receiving end of bullying behaviour. We must seek help as soon as we can. Please reach out to someone; there will be someone who can help and support.

Former Member

"How to tell someone you are being bullied. What to do when you don't know how to cope with bad self esteem."

In whatever setting the bullying is taking place, the person you should tell should be someone you can trust. Together with that person you can discuss how to take steps forward to tackle the situation, to remove the bullying behaviour. It is important that together you involve someone who is in a position of influence over the setting within which the bullying behaviour is taking place (if they are not the first person you reached out to). This might be to tell a teacher, manager at work, or a family member.

Telling someone can be hard. It is an important step, and with someone else by your side, you don't feel so alone. This can give extra strength.

Self-esteem is something we all have to work on throughout our lives. Some of us have positive early life experiences and relationships which can lay a solid foundation for building up self-esteem. Some of us have not had such early life experiences and have to work hard to build up our self-esteem. Whatever our foundation, our self-esteem can get knocked or boosted throughout our lives - we have to keep a close relationship with it.

We are social beings and the vast majority of us (if not all) build up self-esteem with the support and meaningful presence of others. It is not a sign of weakness to rely on or need others. Connecting with others in a positive way can give us the strength to build up our self-esteem. Counselling can provide an opportunity for discovering our values and strengths, upon which self-esteem can be built.

TheMix

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer all of these questions @Kate_20. I'm sure your answers have helped lots of people here on our community.

We had one more question come through which I'll share below:

In my school, people call me a snitch because I told the teacher about being bullied. What do you suggest I do if there is stigma for asking for help?