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Depression
DylanJames
Posts: 35 Boards Initiate
Here I am again
Just your average 22 year old guy talking about his depression and how it sucks.
I’m from England and recently we’ve gone into lockdown, we’ve been in it for about a month almost, however I was in lockdown way before as I caught COVID so I had to isolate for 10 days before we even went into lockdown and then after my isolation period our government aka Boris announced we were to go back into lockdown which at first, to me it didn’t seem a big thing as I wasn’t too bad the very first time we went into to lockdown and I managed to keep motivated so I thought I could hack it again but I was WRONG, my mental health recently has been a state, I didn’t go to sleep last night until 1/2am, I was just lying awake thinking about what one thinks about when they’re depressed (everything negative) I’ve lost all motivation, I woke up today at 1pm and all I done was shower, I didn’t make no effort to get dressed or do my hair and all I’ve done today is lay in bed contemplating my life and the choices I’ve made. Before lockdown I was so motivated, I’d go to the gym before or after work depending on my shift, I was eating healthy and gaining weight which I was so happy about because I’m so skinny, I was all set to start my career and then BOOM lockdown hit and I feel like I’ve lost it all, I’ve lost my drive, my get up and go. I don’t know why I said “I’ve lost it all” because I never had it “all” in the first place but I managed to at least ignore the slight imperfections in my life, one of them being I have no friends, nobody to let know how my day has gone or hang out with. I’m so fixated on wanting a good friendship and I hate it because whenever I’ve tried and made friends with someone they’ve just vanished out of my life so I give up trying and now I’m 22 I don’t even know how to make friends, I don’t even know where to start or who to talk to. You know? I had a best friend for 5 years (long story short) she just decided she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore and now we don’t talk and I’ve never been so broken up apart from when I broke up with my first ever real relationship and that shit really hurt, breaking up with a “best friend” hurts just as bad. I have my boyfriend who I could talk to about all this but he’s from a completely different background and upbringing, he try’s to understand and I appreciate that but he doesn’t quite get it and so all that leaves me with is my mum and she doesn’t like to hear me talk about it, it upsets her and then we start to argue. I feel very alone and part of me feels guilty because I’ve got a boyfriend who loves me very much and I should stop being so selfish. I’m so depressed and I’m fed up of feeling like this, I’m fed up of hating myself, feeling disgusting, I feel skinny and fat at the same time.
I’m from England and recently we’ve gone into lockdown, we’ve been in it for about a month almost, however I was in lockdown way before as I caught COVID so I had to isolate for 10 days before we even went into lockdown and then after my isolation period our government aka Boris announced we were to go back into lockdown which at first, to me it didn’t seem a big thing as I wasn’t too bad the very first time we went into to lockdown and I managed to keep motivated so I thought I could hack it again but I was WRONG, my mental health recently has been a state, I didn’t go to sleep last night until 1/2am, I was just lying awake thinking about what one thinks about when they’re depressed (everything negative) I’ve lost all motivation, I woke up today at 1pm and all I done was shower, I didn’t make no effort to get dressed or do my hair and all I’ve done today is lay in bed contemplating my life and the choices I’ve made. Before lockdown I was so motivated, I’d go to the gym before or after work depending on my shift, I was eating healthy and gaining weight which I was so happy about because I’m so skinny, I was all set to start my career and then BOOM lockdown hit and I feel like I’ve lost it all, I’ve lost my drive, my get up and go. I don’t know why I said “I’ve lost it all” because I never had it “all” in the first place but I managed to at least ignore the slight imperfections in my life, one of them being I have no friends, nobody to let know how my day has gone or hang out with. I’m so fixated on wanting a good friendship and I hate it because whenever I’ve tried and made friends with someone they’ve just vanished out of my life so I give up trying and now I’m 22 I don’t even know how to make friends, I don’t even know where to start or who to talk to. You know? I had a best friend for 5 years (long story short) she just decided she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore and now we don’t talk and I’ve never been so broken up apart from when I broke up with my first ever real relationship and that shit really hurt, breaking up with a “best friend” hurts just as bad. I have my boyfriend who I could talk to about all this but he’s from a completely different background and upbringing, he try’s to understand and I appreciate that but he doesn’t quite get it and so all that leaves me with is my mum and she doesn’t like to hear me talk about it, it upsets her and then we start to argue. I feel very alone and part of me feels guilty because I’ve got a boyfriend who loves me very much and I should stop being so selfish. I’m so depressed and I’m fed up of feeling like this, I’m fed up of hating myself, feeling disgusting, I feel skinny and fat at the same time.
This has just been a huge rant and I’m sorry
1
Comments
its my birthday soon (7th Feb) I’m not even excited and to sound even more depressing I’m contemplating deleting Facebook because I know the only comments will be of family wishing me a “happy birthday” and all I’ll be doing is refreshing the page to see if anybody actually cares and I know no one will so I’d rather delete it before so I’m not as depressed in my birthday and try and enjoy it
Something that has helped me a little was creating some sort of routine, waking up at the same time walking the dog every evening and trying to go to bed at similar times. But I know it’s really hard to get into a routine when you have no motivation. Another thing that has helped me is setting a goal for myself each day, at the start it was just small things like getting out of bed, drinking enough water or just washing. Achieving these things made me feel a little better and slowly I could build up to bigger things like going for a walk.
Im really sorry to hear about what happened with your friend big hugs
At night when I’m struggling with horrible thoughts I write them all out and then I rip up the paper, I find it a good way of getting all my feelings out, then I listen to a podcast or watch a film as a good distraction.
I hope you have a good birthday, maybe deleting Facebook would be a good idea if you thinks that’s what best. Also sorry if this sounds cheesy or patronising but the number of comments we get aren’t a true reflection of how much we mean to people around us.
Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it 😇 Please don’t apologise you wasn’t rude at all! Thank you for taking a few mins out of your day to read it and respond, it’s very kind of you 🥰 You may not know what to say or find you’re very helpful but to me, reading what you wrote, it was nice to hear so thank you again ☺️
@SpaceOtter has said a lot of great things, so won't overlap what's been covered. But it's a difficult time, so be kind to yourself - it takes a lot of strength to endure what you're going through. I think a silver lining of the situation is that we get a better idea of what we appreciate and miss, and that can be a really powerful driver to achieve what we want. For example, if you want to get in better shape, there's plenty of workouts on YouTube that you can follow - with the time you have and the desire you've got to improve yourself, you can really make a difference every day and move towards your goals. Don't give up - half the battle is figuring out what you want, so you're halfway there already! Do your best to be your best each day - that way, you leave no regrets. Lockdown has taken away opportunities, but you might find that you've got new opportunities with the extra time etc, so make the most of it! It might also be a good time to find out what motivates you internally, as that'll come in super handy whether we are under restrictions or not x
Hope you have a nice birthday - it's a great time to reflect on the past year, but don't forget to treat yourself on what's a really important milestone. I know you're not keen on keeping Facebook online, but I think it'll be nice to hear from your family on the day. Perhaps commit to not checking your messages until the end of the day, or placing some kind of lock on the app - that will keep you away from checking it too much.
Keep your chin up - you're doing better than you give yourself credit for. Keep doing your best every day, and of course, reach out whenever you feel like it x
Much love
thank you for your support I really appreciate it 🥰 I would love to have a chat! It’d be nice to have someone I can talk too BUT also please do remember you can talk to me too! I’d love to listen and hear what you have to say whether it be something specific or in general I’m all ears and happy to help 😇 I have definitely taken in what you and @SpaceOtter have said, it really is a great time to reflect on life