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Close friend with eating disorder

notsure5notsure5 Posts: 4 Newbie
in Health & Wellbeing
I have recently discovered that a close friend, aged 15, who lives in the United Kingdom, has an eating disorder. I have found out that she has gone through two periods of eating little to no food every day for a month or two, and although this has recently stopped, has now begun to make herself sick on a regular basis because she wants to be thinner. I have spoken to her about this several times and she admits to doing it and has opened up slightly on reasons why, however becomes defensive every time I urge her to tell a parent or go to a doctor about it. I want to encourage her to see a doctor as I am extremely worried and understand how harmful this can be to her but I don't want to be so forceful that she stops talking about it to me, as I am the only person she has told. I live in a different country so cannot do much to help in person, I am so worried about her but don't know what else I can do to help her, and I worry she might be doing serious harm to herself but she refuses to tell anyone else about it. Is there anything else I can do to help her or encourage her to seek help?

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    AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 1,851 Extreme Poster
    Honestly, you're doing as much as you can from where you are - thanks so much for supporting her! It's really her decision as to whether she gets help - you can support and suggest, but she has to be the one to go and ask for support really. You're right to be cautious about pushing her too much, so best to keep supporting her through this x
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    notsure5notsure5 Posts: 4 Newbie
    Azziman said:
    Honestly, you're doing as much as you can from where you are - thanks so much for supporting her! It's really her decision as to whether she gets help - you can support and suggest, but she has to be the one to go and ask for support really. You're right to be cautious about pushing her too much, so best to keep supporting her through this x
    Thank you for the reply.  I try my best to support her by being available whenever she wants to talk and by encouraging her.  Is there anything I can suggest she does or encourage her to do that may help? Or is it best that I just listen to how she’s feeling and not add in my own opinion?
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    JustVJustV Community Manager Posts: 5,306 Part of The Furniture
    Welcome to the community @notsure5. :3

    I agree with @Azziman. Being too forceful is a really common thing for people to do when supporting someone, so it's awesome that you're staying mindful of that. Telling a doctor or a parent is a huge step for someone to take, and it's important they do it when they're ready. Perhaps the most valuable thing here could be her trust in you and comfortability to talk about it, and it's good to protect that.

    I would say it's okay for you to share your opinion. There's a big difference between gently sharing your opinion and pushing someone down a path they're not ready to go down. If you wanted to make a suggestion or share your opinion, a good rule might be to wait until she asks what you think or to preface what you say with something like "I'm not saying you should do this if and it's okay to move at your own pace, but have you considered..." (for example).

    I'd say don't underestimate the value of listening and patience. In my experience, people tend to undervalue those things when supporting someone - they can make a bigger difference than anything else sometimes. People take steps in their recovery when they're ready, and one of the things that helps someone feel ready to take those steps is feeling loved and supported. :)

    How do you feel, notsure?

    Supporting someone is tough, especially from afar. It's important to make sure you're getting the care you need too, because you can't support someone well if you're not being supported yourself. It's clear you care a lot about your friend and it's great you reached out to us. :star: 
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
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    notsure5notsure5 Posts: 4 Newbie
    Thank you @Mike and thank you for the thorough reply it has helped a lot to hear what can be done to help support her.  I’m trying my best to support her in whatever way she wants and not be too forceful about my opinion on what she should do.  However this has been hard at times and she has mentioned that she is tired of hearing me suggest she tell someone about it.  I realise now that I have been a bit too forceful suggesting this, and I feel bad as I can imagine how hard it must be for her to do this and it can only be done when she’s ready, so I will try to give her more space in this area and be more patient.  

    It’s been almost everyday this week that she has made herself sick in the evening, and I seriously worry about her health because of this.  But at the same time, I believe that she has made a step in the right direction by also telling a friend that lives close to her about it, and I hope this can help her more.

    As for how I’m doing, it is hard seeing her go through this especially being in another country since there’s not much I can really do to help.  I do worry a lot about her and want her to be alright, I really hope that she doesn’t cause any serious harm to herself in doing this.  I’m also sometimes afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing when trying to support her, as I just want to help her and don’t want to accidentally make it worse or harder for her in any way.  However in general i’m alright and healthy.
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    notsure5notsure5 Posts: 4 Newbie
    Since the last time I posted things have been up and down, but my friend has now admitted that she needs help with this and wants to stop, however is still not ready to tell a doctor or parent.  She says she’s trying to decrease the amount that she throws up over time.  I suggested that she set goals for herself to try and meet, in the form of days without making herself sick, and slowly increase the time of these goals.  Was this a mistake? As i am afraid now she might fail to meet these goals and then feel worse about herself.  I have told her not to feel ashamed if she doesn’t meet the goals at first and in that case to just keep trying and she’ll get there in the end.  Should i of done anything different? Is there anything else i can suggest that could help her out?
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    coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 1,054 Wise Owl
    Hi @notsure5

    Thank you for the update! You sound like a very caring friend :smile:

    That's really positive that your friend has been able to admit that she needs help and would like to stop. That's such an important step to feeling better, and I'm sure your support will have really helped her to come to that headspace :heart: Talking to a doctor or parent can feel really scary, so it can take some time to feel comfortable, but I really hope she can find the courage soon :smile:

    I feel like at this stage the best thing you can do is just let her know that you are there to support her in anyway that she would like, if she would like. I would argue there are not necessarily 'wrong' or 'right' things to say so please do not stress too much. You have shown a lot of care - now try to take good care of yourself, because this is a lot to keep on your shoulders :heart:
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