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Fear of growing up

honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
I know this might sound extremely irrational but is anyone else absolutely terrified and freaked out by the aging process? It's almost my birthday and it just scares me so much how we age every year and change. It gives me severe anxiety and it's obviously something that is inevitable and no one can help or change. I haven't found myself as a person yet and I am very lost. And how we can never be that age or look the same ever again as we change and it's gone forever😭 its scares me so much seeing family members aging aswel makes me very upset😭😭😭 
Butterfly23Kathleen07Jade09AifeBUSEERD98

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  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Hey honey, it sounds like this is pretty intense for you <3 it's okay to have this fear and I understand it. It's a freaky thought that time just keeps moving and things change like that. Has this been particularly playing on your mind lately? Do you want to talk any more about not having found yourself as a person yet and feeling lost?

    It's certainly upsetting to see family members age, and feeling that way sounds really hard x

    I hope you have a lovely birthday when it comes around <3
    honeyxx
  • honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
    Thank you for being so kind in response to my message. Yeah this fear has been with me for a long time tbh but has been most intense and severe in the last few months now leading up to my birthday 😢 it's very upsetting my mums hair is starting to go grey and she is aging a lot in her face and my gran is getting more and more frail and hunched over and my brother is starting to age aswel in his face its scary😭 and my niece aswel shes now 10 almost 11 she will soon be a teenager and that makes me really upset shes no longer young child and it's hard to know she never will be ever ever again 😭 it just makes me emotional and it just breaks my heart knowing they are all aging because I dont want them to get sick and eventually die and knowing it's just going to get worse for them. I dont want it to happen to me eventually either and be a completely different person permanently but it is inevitable 😭 and it's all the pressure of people saying enjoy life when your young as your only young once.. life just isn't that easy I've had a lot of friends hurt and let me down all my relationships have failed so I dont have a social life so I dont feel I'm enjoying life at the moment :( when I say that I mean I've not found a career I love or a relationship or social life :( my main passion and dream in life is to find a relationship and fall in love get married  and have a family one day and it to be forever with a genuine loving person but I cant find a genuine partner😭. I feel I need to put all my energy into a career instead and I cant find one I really like and i panic I wont find a relationship and I will run out of time and if it will ever happen is always in the back of my mind. And this aging fear takes over my life aswel and makes me deeply depressed :( xx
  • honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
    I love singing and I think my voice is good and I can sing in tune on my own but I am no where near as out of this world, amazing or phenomenal as people who are born with a beautiful talent and that crushes me as that was another dream I've had😭 i dont feel I can make any of my dreams come true so now  looking for a career is hard and I feel theres nothing else I want😭😭 I have reached out to the ambulance service, fire service, beauty spa and vet  asking if I can do work experience/voluntary work just to see if I would be interested in any of those careers but I dont think I will be happy but atleast I'm trying😢😭 and my fear is so bad with aging that I get really triggered when I'm out and about and I see middle aged and old people😢 I feel so bad as I'm sure they are genuinely lovely people with good hearts and it's not there fault at all and I would never treat them badly  but it just scares the shit out of me  how much we change and how sick and frail we eventually become 😭xx
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I love singing too - I've got a sort of similar problem in terms of feeling the dream won't come true because I've damaged my vocal cords ahah. I'm sure your voice is beautiful. Everyone's unique and I bet you'd be a really good singer <3 Have you thought of taking lessons, if that's something you haven't already done?

    All those other careers sound meaningful. It's definitely understandable that you don't feel you'll be happy. You will find something you're happy with, whether it's your dream of singing or you find something else, and you seem like a lovely person and can find a genuine partner.

    Do you think your aging fear would get better if you were settled with a career, partner, social life, and generally enjoying life? Or do you think that wouldn't change it? I also thought I'd ask if talking to one of your relatives such as your mum would help ease your fear at all?

    There's nothing to feel bad for about getting triggered by middle aged and old people <3
    honeyxx
  • honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
    Aw really, sorry to hear about your vocal cords! How did you damage them? Yeah I've thought of it but I'm finding it hard to find someone local. And I'm overthinking it. I think if I had those things I wouldnt feel so bad about it as I would be able to look back on my life knowing I was fulfilled and happy and I had a good time. No I dont want to hurt her feelings or any one elses feelings  or them to think I'm being irrational 🙈 ❤❤
  • honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
    The fear I have is really bad it's almost like full blown panic attack and I have to calm myself down and I feel really embarrassed I feel this way. Thank u for being so understanding me and allowing me to feel how I feel without judgement ❤❤
  • honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
    I've also never admitted to my family I love singing out of fear and embarrassment😔 sorry to send so much messages just need to get a lot out my system and I cant thank you enough for letting me do that without judgement. I'm also freaked out when I'm around babies and children aswel.. which makes it hard for me in my job as I work with young children and it makes it hard when I leave the house and am around people of all ages it's not just the middle aged and elderly although it's more intense with them. I have a huge irrational fear of it all 😭  just this whole being on a timeline in life with no control just freaks me out so much😭  
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Definitely don't be sorry for getting it all out of your system :3 It's good to do that.

    It does sound like the fear is really bad for you. You don't need to feel embarrassed, your feelings are reasonable and completely valid. It makes sense that you're also freaked out when around babies and children, and it must be so hard for you to be struggling because of it when you leave the house and in your job <3

    Do you think you might want to take online singing lessons? I've heard of various voice coaches who offer skye lessons, also programs you can do</code>, I just did a quick google search to give you a few examples.<br></div><div><a rel="nofollow" href="https://tutorful.co.uk/search/online-singing-tutors" title="Link: https://tutorful.co.uk/search/online-singing-tutors">https://tutorful.co.uk/search/online-singing-tutors</a> <code><code>

    honeyxx said:
    Aw really, sorry to hear about your vocal cords! How did you damage them?
    Ironically, I damaged them by trying to teach myself to sing lol.

    Sending hugs <3
    honeyxx
  • honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
    I spent the morning with my gran who is 76 and its triggered that horrendous fear all over again 😭 although my gran can be loving and sweet and caring she can also be demanding and hardwork and a bit controlling at times and she does not stop talking. Think this is just because she doesnt get much social interaction but I end up with a sore head and feeling frustrated and guilty for feeling frustrated. And she repeats the same things over and over and over again. It can be tiring and draining at times but I know she doesnt mean it. shes getting smaller and more frail with age and she looks very very old.  She has to use a stick to walk and shes hunching over with age aswel. I will maybe have a look I dont want to spend my life unhappy and sevely stressed every single minute of it thinking, worrying and stressing over and being in deep fear over something that is inevitable and happens to everyone and wont happen to me for a long time i need serious help with this as it's making me depressed. Every time I see an old person I just freak and I feel so guilty for it😭 I cant be around the elderly or middle aged in particular without feeling this way and that's a shame as they are probably good ppl😭😭 without this being triggered. Bad things keep happening to me in my life and having this massive fear aswel is not helping as its adding to my troubles😭 I just feel I'm missing out and I'm scared I will get to those ages and I will have nothing to show for it and I will have missed out.  Or someone will like me now but will not like me when I'm older😔. How can I stop this fear😭 its so bad! Xx 
    Kathleen07Jade09
  • honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
    I snapped at my mum yesterday and I feel terrible shes tried her best to support me through recent events with the gym and my old pt shes constantly been on my side trying her best to encourage me to go back as I do love and miss the gym it's the only gym I dont feel alone but the thought of seeing my old pt is making me seriously upset and in distress hes so gorgeous and was such a nice guy all my memories of us training together just come to my mind and the fact nothing will ever happen between us makes me seriously upset I have real genuine feelings for him I cant bear it😭 and although my mum isn't perfect I do appreciate her😢 I shouldn't of snapped at her she didnt deserve it😢 its having that fear underlying every day waking up every morning thinking I need to figure stuff out before and run out of time or find someone else it's to much I cant handle it that fear is the root of my problems 😭 I'm having counselling with the mix and my doctor soon and I'm so embarrassed to admit my fear as I dont want judgement and them thinking I'm vain 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 
  • honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
    And also how things are not going to be the same anymore if I go back as we wont be training together and it's now awkward as he ignored  my messages when I left I cant be fake and pretend to be fine with him when it hurt my feelings but I dont want to be immature either. We probably wont even talk now😭
  • honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
    I would love to wake up in the morning and know what it feels like to love your job and have that to look forward to. Atleast then it can take my mind off things😭
  • SkiveSkive No discipline. No morality. No respect. New ForestPosts: 15,268 Skive's The Limit
    This is my fear. And as someone with a wife, two kids and a house, I still don't feel as though I've grown up.
    Weekender Offender 
    honeyxx
  • honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
    I'm glad I'm not alone with feeling like this😔 are you able to focus on things without it taking over like this?  
  • SkiveSkive No discipline. No morality. No respect. New ForestPosts: 15,268 Skive's The Limit
    edited October 2019
    honeyxx said:
    I'm glad I'm not alone with feeling like this😔 are you able to focus on things without it taking over like this?  
    When I was younger I used to think there would be a time in the future where I would feel 'grown-up' as though I would feel and behave differently as an adult, but that time never came.

    Mentally I stiil feel quite young, Suprised sometimes that I'm responsible for a couple of kids.
    Physically though - I'm shot to pieces.
    Weekender Offender 
    honeyxx
  • ShaunieShaunie Posts: 14,399 Born on Earth, Raised by The Mix
    Heyy!

    i understand this feeling. I feel like maybe we all fear this to some degree, for different reasons, so def not alone, sounds like its taking up a lot on your mind though! So im glad youre talking about it. <3 It can be scarey how fast time goes. I think that when i feel ive missed out of my life and wasted it. I think there has to be a lot of acceptance with it. Otherwise we spend too much time thinking about it. 

    Esp around times like new year, i think we all feel a hit of overwhelming feeling like another year has gone and you feel pressure to make the most out of the next year. & reflect on changes. You said you havent found yourself and feel lost, do you feel lot of pressure? Its okay to take things at own pace <3 And indepenance scares me. And i guess could be more deeper reasons too

    And no one should judge any of your fears <3
    “ i think that deep down you still think life is worth living. It’s no where near over for you. You’re in pain. The thing you lost, Is the same thing that can stop that pain”
    honeyxx
  • honeyxxhoneyxx Posts: 65 Boards Initiate
    Thank you so much shaunie. Yeah it's very scary when u realise how much time has gone and the decisions you've made and where its lead u up to. And seeing people change physically is scary.  I feel like I've wasted time to esp on the wrong things and wrong ppl. I also feel like that at new year😭 I feel really lonely in my life right now and I have no genuine ppl in my life not even family even though I care about them a lot of the time they are not nice to me in some kind of way. my mum was sort of supporting me a little with the pt but we have now fallen out because of her bad behaviour  towards me and my mind is tricking me into believing my life will always be this way or any relationships I have may not work or last and I will be back like this or they will only be noce until they are comfortable 😢 I dont want to feel alone like this ever again if I do make new connections its horrible 😭 yeah I think we do all fear it but i think for me it's taking over ❤❤
    Shaunie
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