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pandasmiapandasmia Posts: 2 Newbie
in Introduce Yourself
Hi, I'm not sure why I've made an account I just think I need to get all this off my chest.
I live by myself and work full time in a pub and I'm starting to give up on everything. I dont see any joy in life anymore, any relationship I try starting I lose interest over the most minor things and I know I'm in the wrong because I'm far from perfect myself but I'm exhausted.
Exhausted of living just to pay bills and rent, I'm not living this life for myself anymore im existing to just pay tax and I can't carry on anymore I wish I die in my sleep Every night because I'm too afraid to end it myself and hurt the one person that would still care and it's my mum. 
I moved away about a year ago so she isn't close to me, I moved with my ex boyfriend but he never helped me with rent or bills and then I caught him cheating 4 days before my birthday and 2 days after new years I found myself all alone then and ever since then I've soldiered through hoping for better times but it's just getting worse every month I'm literally out of options I just don't want to live anymore I dont know what to do

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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Hey, welcome <3

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you're feeling horribly depressed and low :(

    There's hope and you truly will feel better. You've got so much to live for, and you can see joy in life again. I don't think you're out of options, please don't give up. Is there anything you think might help? Have you thought of seeing a doctor and getting professional help, maybe?

    You say you're living to just pay tax, that does sound really exhausting. Am I right in hearing that that means you don't feel you're existing for anything and you're just going about the daily things of life, feeling like it's just a chore? Or are you saying something different? <3

    You deserve nothing but love, not the way your ex treated you. Does it still affect you, or are you feeling okay about it?

    I'm glad you joined and are sharing this. Sending huge hugs <3
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    pandasmiapandasmia Posts: 2 Newbie
    Thank you for your kind reply,
    I'm always putting up a front at work of being happy and always smiling and after going for well over half a year now I can't get out of the cycle of just working all day then wanting to end it all after because there's no purpose in my life anymore, I'm literally just sustaining myself, I'm not even taking good care of myself either. I always wanted to be a tattoo artist but the situation I'm in its always just been a distant dream and now I'm barely managing my rent and bills and I dont have the energy in me to do anything at all.
    I've been on some dates/spoke to guys after my ex but I don't seem to end up developing any kind of feelings towards them, even if there is initial attraction it doesn't last long at all.
    Sorry for the long rant :(

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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    There's no need to be sorry for ranting, it's okay to let things out here <3 I really empathise with how you must be feeling and I can relate a lot to what you say.

    This won't last forever. It must feel hopeless and distressing to be feeling the way you are. It's really tiring to struggle so much and for so long, to put up a front, and feeling like there's no purpose in your life sounds awful. I understand feeling you're just sustaining yourself.

    Being a tattoo artist sounds awesome and I hope you'll get to achieve that one day. I have faith in you <3
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    RileyRiley Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    Hey there @pandasmia and welcome to the boards.

    First off I'd like to say it's totally understandable that you're feeling so rough at the moment, it sounds like you've had to deal with a lot that's dragged down your mood. Have you considered visiting your GP and talking about how you're feeling? There are a lot of different options they can offer you that you might find helpful. Do you have anyone in your life that you feel you can talk things through with like your mum?

    Unfortunately a lot of people at the moment feel similar to how you do, and I know a lot of people feel fed up with their jobs. Something you might consider is looking for a new hobby or skill you can try getting into in your free time. I know you said you often feel too tired after work but it's something to consider even if it's something you do from home.

    I really hope things start picking up for you soon! <3
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    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
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    Butterfly23Butterfly23 Posts: 810 Part of The Mix Family
    Welcome and I really hope that you find some support here! 💓
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    AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 1,851 Extreme Poster
    Welcome!x
    FAQ | How to report a post | How to report spam
    I'm a community moderator. I'm here to help guide discussions and make sure Community Guidelines are followed. I can't send DMs, but you can message @TheMix or email community@themix.org.uk with questions or concerns.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Hey! Welcome, im sorry i dont have many words but wanted to let you know i hear you and that sounds really painful place youre in. I hope you can find some support here <3 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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