a letter to my psychiatrist
BubblesGoesBoo
Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
Not sure where to post this so mods help? Also potential trigger warning.
since support chat isn't working I thought id try write a letter to my psychiatrist, but it turned more into a rant 
Was going to post it on my blog aswell but not sure as it's so open, and as it's so open I don't know if I should send it to my psychiatrist or not, opinions please?
Dear Mr (X)
After a lot of internal debate and chain smoking in the car park, I'm here. Walking into your office and I'm not sure if this is a mistake, I already feel so uneasy. Yesterday I had a list of things I wanted to tell you but now? nothing, my mind is blank, overcome by fear.
I sit down and you ask me how I am, I try my hardest to explain but it's all coming out in chunks, you think you know and understand, you don't. what I say and what I feel are two completely different things. I'm trying to explain but you only hear the parts you want to. Then you ask the most dreaded question "but you're still working?" yes. yes I am but that doesn't mean I'm not in inner turmoil, that doesn't mean because I put on a happy face at work that everything is just dandy. Yes, I work, but on my days off I spend all day in bed, unable to face the world and every single day, working or not, I ask myself the same question 'is life really worth living?' more often than not the answer is no, then I have a decision to make. Countless times I have ended up in hospital through self harm/overdoses.
You look at my notes and ask " what do you think will help?" I don't know, isn't that your job to decide? I've tried everything I can think off and I'm still stuck in this vicious cycle. I tell you I haven't eaten for a while, that I purge, I tell you how much weight I've lost in such a short amount of time, you can see it and what was your reply? "We can't help you unless your weight is critically low" What message is that meant to send? Lose more weight, starve for longer, purging isn't that big of an issue.
Falling in love is your solution. Most days I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror, how am I meant to let someone else love me when I can't love myself? How can I find a boyfriend after the trauma I've been through? you make it sound so easy but the way I see it is I'm not even worthy of love.
I tell you I want support, but you go and cut my support because even with it I'm still ending up in hospital. I have mental illnesses. You wouldn't tell someone with a physical illness that their treatment was being stopped because they ended up in hospital so why are you, a professional in mental health, telling that to me?
I tell you the voices are controlling my life and I get no peace from them, they tell me to hurt myself, demand it even and it doesn't seem to ease till I do. you tell me to challenge them. Like it's that easy. They are literally screaming at me, threatening my family and friends if I don't do something destructive, they feel so real, obviously I'm going to be scared of them. You can't understand because you've never experienced it and I'm glad, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
After 20 minutes and a quick scan of my notes you think you know all about me, but that's just the tip of the ice berg. See, I've learnt not to tell professionals about my problems, because where has that got me before? Sectioned.
I walk out of your office, smiling, get to the car park and break down. I self harm. I feel so much worse than when I went in. We got nowhere and stupidly I agree to see you again. You think everything is fine cause I smiled when I walked out, I've learnt to put on a brave face. You agreed my case is complex but you're so quick to assume that I'm alright because I can smile, If only I had learned sooner that smiling can solve everything.
[tweaked by moderator]
Comments
hope youre okay
How are you feeling today? I'm sorry to hear you were having a bad night last night, I hope you're feeling a little better today.
I agree with both Shaunie and Kathleen, you really are worth people's time. If you'd like me to restore your original post for you, that's definitely something I can help with. There's no pressure at all though, I know you mentioned you're not sure about sharing too much information. I just wanted to let you know we're all here for you anytime you want to talk about anything
about whether you should send it to your psychiatrist is up to you- and sure you will do what feels comfortable. But what ive found when writing things like this - if i sleep on it or something and then read it again later at different time - it helps me more to decide if show it to them or not.
I think it is good that you want to be honest so maybe youve realised smiling doesnt solve everything? And you want them to know- so they can help?
& your post reminds me so much of this blog on Time to Change- i read yesterday dunno if youd be intested in reading it. https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/some-people-are-high-functioning-doesnt-invalidate-their-mental-health
Yeahh I think he feels like just cause I can smile that everything is just dandy, and the fact I can make it into work most of the time which just isn't the case. Yes work is good for me and provides a good distraction, but it also drains all my energy 😔
Thanks for the link, I'll read it now, I know a lot of people struggle to find support when they're working and that's the main thing I want to change my psychiatrists mind about.
I am still getting some support, and can still phone up whenever I'm struggling 9-5.. but some of it is being cut back and I don't know how I feel about it ...
When I was reading your post I kept thinking about how strong you are to be fighting through all of this. I'm so sorry you're not being listened to or understood, I can't imagine how hard that might be for you. I'm also sorry to hear that they stopped your support after you asked for it. Are you receiving any other support at the moment?
It's really positive you've taken this step to write a letter about how you're feeling. It sounds like you've been finding it really hard to find a way to explain to them how you're really feeling and there are parts of what you're saying that they aren't listening to. You mentioned you've never written them a letter before, I really hope this helps them understand how much more support they should be giving you. How did you feel writing this out?
Keep fighting Bubbles
It did help writing it all down, I'm going to edit it a bit today and add some other points in and hopefully send it off tomorrow. It just sucks cause he can see from my notes the amount of hospital admissions I've had this past year but he just assumes I'm fine now cause I smiled and been hospital free for a month.
It can be really hard to open up about these things. From what said in your letter it sounds like it's been really hard to say what you were hoping to share with your psychiatrist. It's a really great idea to try a letter and it's great that you found it helpful to write everything out. I really hope it helps them understand how you're really feeling. How did you get on making the edits?
I was just having a read through that blog Shaunie shared on Time to Change. Did you manage to have a read of it? There were some bits in there that I thought you might really relate to. I've copied a few bits below
What it does mean is that you are trying to get on with your day, doing your best, all the while struggling to keep the impending anxiety, depression or other mental health issues hidden away.
Let us know what you think of the blog and do keep us updated with how everything goes
I hope it helps him understand, and I hope he doesn't section me haha, I done a lot of editing and added a few more point in and sent it off yesterday, so hopefully he reads it tomorrow. kinda dreading what his reply will be, I just don't know if he would listen or not.
yeahhh I read the blog and its really insightful and honest. im glad im not the only one who feels like this. just wish more people would understand that when people work/go to uni it doesn't mean everything in their life is going well. most people I know with mental health problems say that at their worst times they through themselves into uni/work and done well, just because it was a distraction from the shit in their heads, and that's how I feel.
Really well done for sending your letter off. I really hope it goes okay when he reads it. Keep us updated with how it goes
as for my eating/purging issues he's going to look into that more one the medication changes have settled, he's actually listening to me now, and giving me meds that I want to try.. this anti depressant im going on he hasn't had much experience with cause its new and expensive but a few of my friends are on it and they say it's a miracle drug for depression so really hoping it works
the self harm isn't really an issue as after my recent hospital admission the guy im seeing said he would leave me if I self harm again so haven't in just over 2 weeks now, the urges are still there but im battling through them
How have things been going since you posted this update?