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a letter to my psychiatrist

BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
edited March 2019 in Health & Wellbeing

Not sure where to post this so mods help? Also potential trigger warning.

since support chat isn't working I thought id try write a letter to my psychiatrist, but it turned more into a rant :lol: Was going to post it on my blog aswell but not sure as it's so open, and as it's so open I don't know if I should send it to my psychiatrist or not, opinions please?


Dear Mr (X)


After a lot of internal debate and chain smoking in the car park, I'm here. Walking into your office and I'm not sure if this is a mistake, I already feel so uneasy. Yesterday I had a list of things I wanted to tell you but now? nothing, my mind is blank, overcome by fear. 


I sit down and you ask me how I am, I try my hardest to explain but it's all coming out in chunks, you think you know and understand, you don't. what I say and what I feel are two completely different things. I'm trying to explain but you only hear the parts you want to. Then you ask the most dreaded question "but you're still working?" yes. yes I am but that doesn't mean I'm not in inner turmoil, that doesn't mean because I put on a happy face at work that everything is just dandy. Yes, I work, but on my days off I spend all day in bed, unable to face the world and every single day, working or not, I ask myself the same question 'is life really worth living?' more often than not the answer is no, then I have a decision to make. Countless times I have ended up in hospital through self harm/overdoses. 


You look at my notes and ask " what do you think will help?" I don't know, isn't that your job to decide? I've tried everything I can think off and I'm still stuck in this vicious cycle. I tell you I haven't eaten for a while, that I purge, I tell you how much weight I've lost in such a short amount of time, you can see it and what was your reply? "We can't help you unless your weight is critically low" What message is that meant to send? Lose more weight, starve for longer, purging isn't that big of an issue.


Falling in love is your solution. Most days I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror, how am I meant to let someone else love me when I can't love myself? How can I find a boyfriend after the trauma I've been through? you make it sound so easy but the way I see it is I'm not even worthy of love.


I tell you I want support, but you go and cut my support because even with it I'm still ending up in hospital. I have mental illnesses. You wouldn't tell someone with a physical illness that their treatment was being stopped because they ended up in hospital so why are you, a professional in mental health, telling that to me?


I tell you the voices are controlling my life and I get no peace from them, they tell me to hurt myself, demand it even and it doesn't seem to ease till I do. you tell me to challenge them. Like it's that easy. They are literally screaming at me, threatening my family and friends if I don't do something destructive, they feel so real, obviously I'm going to be scared of them. You can't understand because you've never experienced it and I'm glad, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.


After 20 minutes and a quick scan of my notes you think you know all about me, but that's just the tip of the ice berg. See, I've learnt not to tell professionals about my problems, because where has that got me before? Sectioned. 


I walk out of your office, smiling, get to the car park and break down. I self harm. I feel so much worse than when I went in. We got nowhere and stupidly I agree to see you again. You think everything is fine cause I smiled when I walked out, I've learnt to put on a brave face. You agreed my case is complex but you're so quick to assume that I'm alright because I can smile, If only I had learned sooner that smiling can solve everything.


[tweaked by moderator]
' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
Post edited by Aife on

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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited March 2019
    Aw just took time to reply and i was just about to send. Then realised you deleted it

    hope youre okay <3 you are worth peoples time
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    What Shaunie said. You are definitely worth people's time bud <3 Really sorry you feel otherwise :(
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    BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    Shaunie said:
    Aw just took time to reply and i was just about to send. Then realised you deleted it

    hope youre okay <3 you are worth peoples time
    Sorry just wasn't sure if I wanted that much info about me on here. I'm okay, just having a bad night  <3
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,031 Boards Guru
    Hey @BubblesGoesBoo

    How are you feeling today? I'm sorry to hear you were having a bad night last night, I hope you're feeling a little better today.

    I agree with both Shaunie and Kathleen, you really are worth people's time. If you'd like me to restore your original post for you, that's definitely something I can help with. There's no pressure at all though, I know you mentioned you're not sure about sharing too much information. I just wanted to let you know we're all here for you anytime you want to talk about anything <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    If you could that would be great, though you might get a message to delete it at some point if I change my mind again :lol:   honestly I'm feeling just the same.. just hoping chat works tonight so I can rant about it.  <3
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    If you could that would be great, though you might get a message to delete it at some point if I change my mind again :lol:   honestly I'm feeling just the same.. just hoping chat works tonight so I can rant about it.  <3
    Heyy Bubbles - im going to try my best to remember what i wrote because i think your definetly worthy of time. Hope is okay <3

    about whether you should send it to your psychiatrist is up to you- and sure you will do what feels comfortable. But what ive found when writing things like this - if i sleep on it or something and then read it again later at different time - it helps me more to decide if show it to them or not. 


    I think it is good that you want to be honest so maybe youve realised smiling doesnt solve everything? And you want them to know- so they can help?


     & your post reminds me so much of this blog on Time to Change- i read yesterday dunno if youd be intested in reading it. https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/some-people-are-high-functioning-doesnt-invalidate-their-mental-health  

    You deserve support tho,so sorry they take it away
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    Shaunie said:
    If you could that would be great, though you might get a message to delete it at some point if I change my mind again :lol:   honestly I'm feeling just the same.. just hoping chat works tonight so I can rant about it.  <3
    Heyy Bubbles - im going to try my best to remember what i wrote because i think your definetly worthy of time. Hope is okay <3

    about whether you should send it to your psychiatrist is up to you- and sure you will do what feels comfortable. But what ive found when writing things like this - if i sleep on it or something and then read it again later at different time - it helps me more to decide if show it to them or not. 


    I think it is good that you want to be honest so maybe youve realised smiling doesnt solve everything? And you want them to know- so they can help?


     & your post reminds me so much of this blog on Time to Change- i read yesterday dunno if youd be intested in reading it. https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/some-people-are-high-functioning-doesnt-invalidate-their-mental-health  

    You deserve support tho,so sorry they take it away
    Thanks, I might edit it a bit then send it in. I've never written a letter to them before so kinda nervous ..

    Yeahh I think he feels like just cause I can smile that everything is just dandy, and the fact I can make it into work most of the time which just isn't the case. Yes work is good for me and provides a good distraction, but it also drains all my energy 😔 

    Thanks for the link, I'll read it now, I know a lot of people struggle to find support when they're working and that's the main thing I want to change my psychiatrists mind about.

    I am still getting some support, and can still phone up whenever I'm struggling 9-5.. but some of it is being cut back and I don't know how I feel about it ... 
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,031 Boards Guru
    Hey @BubblesGoesBoo I just wanted to let you know I've restored your original post for you. Sorry for the delay in getting this back up. If there's anything you want to change or edit, let me know :) 

    When I was reading your post I kept thinking about how strong you are to be fighting through all of this. I'm so sorry you're not being listened to or understood, I can't imagine how hard that might be for you. I'm also sorry to hear that they stopped your support after you asked for it. Are you receiving any other support at the moment?

    It's really positive you've taken this step to write a letter about how you're feeling. It sounds like you've been finding it really hard to find a way to explain to them how you're really feeling and there are parts of what you're saying that they aren't listening to. You mentioned you've never written them a letter before, I really hope this helps them understand how much more support they should be giving you. How did you feel writing this out? 

    Keep fighting Bubbles <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    Thanks @Aife I am still getting some support, but it's mainly focused on my trauma not my overall mental health which I feel is more important just now.  
    It did help writing it all down, I'm going to edit it a bit today and add some other points in and hopefully send it off tomorrow. It just sucks cause he can see from my notes the amount of hospital admissions I've had this past year but he just assumes I'm fine now cause I smiled and been hospital free for a month. 
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2019
    It is good youre still under the service though and seeing someone. But definetly be as honest as you can so they dont discharge you or something. For me personally -( i think you have Bpd/eupd diagnose aswell)- but anyway i feel like they look at hospital admissions like you couldnt cope at that moment of time and suddenly got unstable so can function any other time. And if not been in hospital for awhile then yeah must be totally fine. That is what i have personally found since being diagnosed with bpd. Dunno if feel same way. But either way i guess its important to get across that you feel like you cant cope nearly all the time and hard to function daily- if thats how you feel and say about constant horrible thoughts Ect - they should see that more than your actions. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    @Shaunie thanks, I do try to be honest but I also have this fear of crying infront of them so that's why I think a letter would help, it's easier for me to write things down. Yeahh I feel the same with bpd, I feel like they're just setting me up to fail. Even though I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I kinda wish they could live like this for just one day, then they could see what it's really like. 
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,031 Boards Guru
    Hey @BubblesGoesBoo

    It can be really hard to open up about these things. From what said in your letter it sounds like it's been really hard to say what you were hoping to share with your psychiatrist. It's a really great idea to try a letter and it's great that you found it helpful to write everything out. I really hope it helps them understand how you're really feeling. How did you get on making the edits? 

    I was just having a read through that blog Shaunie shared on Time to Change. Did you manage to have a read of it? There were some bits in there that I thought you might really relate to. I've copied a few bits below :) 

    Having a high-functioning mental illness does not put you in a category above others dealing with mental health. It doesn’t mean you’ve got a strong grasp of your condition and understand how to manage it. It doesn’t mean your struggles are less than those who cannot function in the same way, and of course doesn’t mean yours are worse. Everyone’s issues are relative.

    What it does mean is that you are trying to get on with your day, doing your best, all the while struggling to keep the impending anxiety, depression or other mental health issues hidden away.
    Every single person on this planet is unique, and so is their experience with mental health

    Let us know what you think of the blog and do keep us updated with how everything goes <3

    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    Heey @Aife yeahh ive always found it easier to write things down and that's in my notes so I don't see why he thinks im telling him everything that's going on when I see him, he doesn't know the half of it...

    I hope it helps him understand, and I hope he doesn't section me haha, I done a lot of editing and added a few more point in and sent it off yesterday, so hopefully he reads it tomorrow. kinda dreading what his reply will be, I just don't know if he would listen or not. 

    yeahhh I read the blog and its really insightful and honest. im glad im not the only one who feels like this. just wish more people would understand that when people work/go to uni it doesn't mean everything in their life is going well. most people I know with mental health problems say that at their worst times they through themselves into uni/work and done well, just because it was a distraction from the shit in their heads, and that's how I feel.
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,031 Boards Guru
    Hey @BubblesGoesBoo

    Really well done for sending your letter off. I really hope it goes okay when he reads it. Keep us updated with how it goes <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
    forgot to update yous with everything that's gone on... he said my letter opened his eyes a bit, he didn't realise how hard it is for me... but with the frequent hospital admissions recently he's beginning to understand, (like I shouldn't have to end up in hospital to be taken seriously though) he's upped my anti psychotics and given me other anti psychotics as prn. hes (finally) changing one of my anti depressants in about 2 weeks after me saying for 3 years that I don't feel its helping. he's changed his view that finding love will help me cause ive been seeing this guy and still feel suicidal as hell. he can see im trying so he's given me my support back, but not every week (at one point I was having 5 appointments a week with different people and just repeating myself over and over again was making me shut down even more) so I have occasional appointments and phone calls and I can phone/turn up whenever to speak to someone :) which I feel is better, like im the one in control this time ..

    as for my eating/purging issues he's going to look into that more one the medication changes have settled, he's actually listening to me now, and giving me meds that I want to try.. this anti depressant im going on he hasn't had much experience with cause its new and expensive but a few of my friends are on it and they say it's a miracle drug for depression so really hoping it works :) and cause it's expensive ill feel guilty if it doesn't work...

    the self harm isn't really an issue as after my recent hospital admission the guy im seeing said he would leave me if I self harm again so haven't in just over 2 weeks now, the urges are still there but im battling through them :)
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,031 Boards Guru
    @BubblesGoesBoo I saw this a while ago and have been meaning to reply! It's so great to hear your letter opened his eyes and helped him understand how hard things are for you. Really amazing to hear you're getting a bit more support too. Well done for sending this letter Bubbles <3

    How have things been going since you posted this update? 
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    Salix_alba_2019Salix_alba_2019 Deactivated Posts: 1,646 Extreme Poster
    Sending massive hugs bubbles, we're so proud of you ❤️
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    Well done for sending it bubbles. Hope you're getting the support you deserve/need right now <3
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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