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Rapist clearly admitted he raped me over text. Dk what to do

ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,203 The Mix Elder
edited September 2018 in Sex & Relationships
So when i scroll through instagram have mutural friends & soemtimes his face, that makes me wanna be sick, just comes up on it and eveytime it does- i just get a massive urge to tell his friends what he is really like but dont so instead got the urge to tell him how much i hate him and just vented at how angry i am. 

The last time i did this he just called me a racist and said if he made me feel like shit then i must of deserved it. Though i never said any racist comments towards him. 

This time he apolgised for how he spoke to me the last time and how he has made me feel as well as what he did. Which then made me less angry and just so confused. I felt some level of relief, closure &validation but not really at the same time.  Im not sre what sort of reply i was expecting from him but was really confused & hes  never properly/ clearly admitted it & with an apologie. I know an “im sorry” doesnt make up for the hell i am in. But he  does seem like he feels a lot of remorse & guilt, maybe to the extent to never do it again. Ive tried to report this but things happened & didnt go well and feel this is like good evidence & its from his own instagram account. 
And going to post a screenshot of what he said (mostly cause i like to feel believed) &cause i wana know what others think if i was to show this to the police. (cropped out the username at the top) This is defintly evidence of him admitting it ? & does he sound like he feels very genuiery guilty?  Are text messages valid to the police? - cause it is literally him saying it? I texted him first would that make difference? I know no one can answrr as not profesional but just seeking opinions

I just cant tell of this means he would do it again to someone else or not and feel responsible if i dont show this to the police. But im so confused. 😭And soooo stressed 😭. if someone has done somehing like this once - theyre more likely to do it again even if they feel guilty? If someome could give their opinions or advice would be much appercated. :)

[screenshot removed]
“If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
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Comments

  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,203 The Mix Elder
    edited September 2018
    Okay so i have managed to found the number for sexual violence adviser i used to see (i deleted it and found it from calls and compared it to see if i posted it on here on same date - which i did) she said i could get in contac t if have anymore questions

    and basically asked her what to do and she said she wont speak about this stuff through text and im not williing to have a phone call. So am meeting her at 4 pm today to quickly speak
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Posts: 1,336 Fanatical Poster
    Hope it goes well! so sorry to hear about all of this Shaunie!
    keep us updated. sending hugs and remember we're all here x

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "Maybe it's not my weekend,  but it's gonna be my year" ~ All Time Low

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,203 The Mix Elder
    edited September 2018
    I saw sexual violence adviser yesterday and she said she still doesnt think am stable enough to go police even if had evidence and best to just get to a stable place and see what i want. As some people feel they do not want to after they start to feel better & need to look after myself not feel responsible for his actions

    & that even tho it is clear to admitting it. He could say that someone else wrote it on his phone...... And who is going to go on soemones phone and admit that they did such a serious crime as rape. 
    A text message is him clearly saying it??? If no one else is going to say they wrote it for him then surely this is evidence??

    fucking shit. No one believes me😭😭😭😭😭

    ...with all the lack of evidence i have - so i texted him again & i said that if he feels that guilty he would go to the police & i said if not, i will. He keeps saying “you said you wouldnt.” & then i said “now im saying im not sure” And is now making out he will kil himself from what ive just said. Thought best not to keep that contact with him so will ignore now. Though if he goes & kills himself now- i would feel guilty. Eventho i hate him
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
    peachysoo
  • LabraBellLabraBell Future paramedic :)Posts: 202 The Mix convert
    @Shaunie as bad as that makes you feel, he's just given you more evidence to get him in trouble. Threatening to kill himself if you don't stop doing something is emotional manipulation/abuse, and that is NOT okay. remember what I was saying yesterday, he might be doing it all just to stop you from going to the police, because he doesn't want to go to prison, i.e. making you feel too guilty to go to the police about it.

    I'm not a professional, and please dont quote me on anything, this is just my opinion.

    But if I was there, in that exact situation, I know I'd be going straight to the police with it. Although at the same time, your adviser might be right with you not being stable enough. If you aren't on a good level of strength, and your evidence is taken and used, then you'd have to testify in court. They would be willing to put up screens or use a video chat (I've been in court before, if there's a danger to the person testifying in any way they'll do this) but it's extremely hard. 

    Let me tell you this. I was in an altercation on a bus, and when I got off I was attacked by the perpetrator. Anyone around would have seen that I was only standing up for the 50+ people on the bus who were being caused problems by him, but the crappy CCTV didn't show what it needed to.

    The guys solicitor/lawyer/whatever you want to call it, she took the evidence there, and put forwards the case that I was the one who attacked him. I had at the time of interview just been hit across the head, and although the paramedics had cleared me, I was in a state of confusion. What had happened was a blur, so some of the stuff I said was very slightly wrong. Nothing too serious, it's just that I had confused a few details. The woman took these little differences and used them to spin them into a massive long plot about how I attacked him, how I was the one who started everything. I wasn't emotionally ready to be in that court. I panicked, I started shaking and twitching and getting flustered. I was nearing a full blown panic attack by the time I was finished there, but I managed to look calm for my mom, who was in there with me and getting frustrated and upset at the woman. 

    I got a call a few days later. He'd been found not guilty.

    I'm not going to make any slights towards you, you're unbelievably strong within yourself. But being there, being treated like you're the one in the wrong... It's not for the faint of heart. Just being there is going to bring up difficult emotions, and having someone try to say that you were the one in the wrong is going to hurt you even more. I think it might be a good idea to wait, but still keep ahold of the information you have. You might find that more evidence presents itself if you wait a while, too. 

    You're like a sister to me Shaunie, I think I've said that already. I don't want to see you suffer. If you have any more struggles you can come to me any time, I mean it. I'll always try to be here for you. Even in your most panicked moments, let me be the calming voice for you. I want to see this guy put in prison just as much as you do. I believe in you to make the right decision in the end.
    Hey, hey, hey everyday when I wake,
    I'm trying to get up, they're knocking me down.
    Chewing me up, spitting me out.
    Hey, hey, hey when I need to be saved,
    You're making me strong, you're making me stand.

    -Skillet, feel invincible.
    peachysoo
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,203 The Mix Elder
    edited September 2018
    Hey

    @LabraBell thank you very muc for this!! Really insightful and helpful. <3. <3
    And can see exactly what youre saying. Cause i can relat in terms of When i get stressed and anxious- some details i get wrong and can see exactly how this would make me look like all my fault and im clearly not ready for that sort. And where they question soemthing that is completly wrong. Which can imagine must felt awful.
     and i really dont think in my mind set i could cope with that and i think thats where the ISVA was trying to get at.

    If i could i would just like to show these text messages and let them do what they want with it without saying much. Just so i dont feel left, with it, not knowing what to do witth it. But in reality i dont think thats possible and i have to also speak and be involved-  not just show it. I think. 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • LabraBellLabraBell Future paramedic :)Posts: 202 The Mix convert
    @Shaunie I understand totally. But at the end of the day it's your decision to press charges. so if you show them but tell them you want to wait until you press charges they haven't much of a choice but to go with it. There's no case if the victim doesn't cooperate anyway, so making you go to court would just be a waste of everyone's time, and they know it.
    Hey, hey, hey everyday when I wake,
    I'm trying to get up, they're knocking me down.
    Chewing me up, spitting me out.
    Hey, hey, hey when I need to be saved,
    You're making me strong, you're making me stand.

    -Skillet, feel invincible.
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,203 The Mix Elder
    edited September 2018
    Yeah thank you. i see what you mean. But ive just read a load of stuff on the internet about people actually going to prison just after sending text messages admitting to rape
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,203 The Mix Elder
    “Scientific research shows us quite clearly that jurors are simply less willing to convict young defendants of rape for fear of the consequences such a ‘rapist’ label will have on their future,” he said.
    Wilmott said his research showed jurors regularly believed defendants in this age category were guilty of rape as defined by the law, but were unwilling to convict and label a young man a rapist.

    https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/sep/23/revealed-less-than-a-third-of-young-men-prosecuted-for-are-convicted

    This was wrote like a day ago. The justice system clearly does not do enough if this is true. So not is it that the conviction rate is like 8 %. Theyre also unlikely to find a young male guilty just because he is younger. I literally feel like im surely not read this right. Surely they need to stop the younger men from doing it for the rest of their lives. The older man they convict were probably the younger ones. 



    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,203 The Mix Elder
    I also wrote this on womans aid forum but they delete the whole thing and said after careful consideration they thought it was safer for me. Kinda confused as nothing would identify me and was really vague compared to this. So why delete it. Text messages must be good evidence?? So confused.  But did more of an explaination in priavte message about why deleted it. and said  adviced that i get advice from the police or my local rape crisis. I dont think this is something i could just ring 101 about. And i did get advice from rape crisis and isva is from there i think and she adviced me to just look after myself as unstable. So why am i still even asking this. I just feel left alone with these message and not doing anything about it
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,203 The Mix Elder
    Confused. Have i read that right? And that they left young rapists go as theyre young?????? & the younger the victim the less believable ????Um rape is rape. 

    Also, in my experience, juries are more likely to make allowances for a defendant the younger he is, this idea that he may not have known what he was doing at 24, but if he was older than that he does.” um 24 is old enough to know....
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • Candlestick56Candlestick56 Posts: 90 Miniposter
    Hi @Shaunie,

    I just read your post and wanted to say that you shouldn't let what you read on the internet put you off going to the police. The main and only thing that matters is how you feel and what you want to do. It doesn't matter what anyone else advises you to do, at the end of the day this is your decision. It makes sense that your advisor has said you should wait until you feel more stable, but if you feel in your heart like you wished she'd said you should go to the police, or you're feeling like something's unresolved, then that is your gut telling you what you really want, and you shouldn't ignore it. Going to the police without enough evidence isn't a problem- they will still investigate it and offer support. Don't let the lack of evidence put you off. You should do what you feel is the right decision for you, whatever that might be. 
    Shaunie
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,203 The Mix Elder
    edited January 19
    I had a dream that I was showing these messages to the police but my phone glitches and while I was trying to find the messages I ended up clicking delete.
     Omggg that was horrible. Now I’m scared I’m going to accidently delete these messages. And feel like it was my brain telling me to go to the police before somethin gets in the way

    it is bad that ever since he admitted it over text I have thought less and less about going to the police - like. I am selfish and I only wanted him to admit it in some form and I thought going to the police would validate my feelings but felt it in the messages and I also think it is because he seems like he was actually sorry like he wouldn’t do it again. But I don’t know. He would say that to stop me? i am selfish I should go to the police 
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • SkyeIsNotTheLimitSkyeIsNotTheLimit EarthPosts: 86 Miniposter
    Hey @Shaunie, firstly I'm so sorry you went through that. I get what you mean about the dreams. I used to have dreams that when I tried telling people what he did, no one in the school would believe me. They've stopped now I've told people and they did believe me.

    You're not selfish at all. You got to do what's right for you.
    I told her once I wasn’t good at anything. She told me survival is a talent
  • MikeMike Posts: 1,713 Staff Moderator
    Shaunie said:
    it is bad that ever since he admitted it over text I have thought less and less about going to the police 

    This actually sounds like a reasonable thing, @Shaunie. Making an assumption here, but I'm guessing getting some validation of his guilt was a big reason you wanted to take it to the police?

    If so, it would make sense that you feel less inclined to go to the police now you've got the answer to that. It's SO easy to doubt yourself when it comes to an experience like this, and having someone finally confirm what's in your mind can bring a huge amount of emotional relief.

    Also, doing something to validate your feelings is totally okay. As @SkyeIsNotTheLimit said:

    You're not selfish at all. You got to do what's right for you.

    How are you feeling about the prospect of going to police about what happened at the mo?
    just because you're not doing something perfectly, doesn't mean you're not doing it
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,203 The Mix Elder
    Thank you. I really just never want to go back to the police as didnt go well last time. But that time -i didnt have much evidence than and i was more stressed / angry/ overwhelmed than i feel now. And i feel like im sitting here with evidence of someone who is a sicko and im doing nothing while he could be sexually abusing someone now. And will be my fault for not doing anything cause if surely no one can admit they was on his phone and wrote it then surely it is evidence that he sexually abused me and raped me. Though he admitted to rape and "forced sexual acts" that i "repetitdely said "no" to" i feel like that may not be specific enough.

    and it is so bad that i have thought about a way to probably get evidence that i thought about even meeting up with him and seeing if he'd rape me so i can call police straight after as would be good evidence. I know thats horrible way to think and idek how i ended up thinking like that. Or whst i think about those thoughts. Sounds sick. Obviously i wouldnt but yeah did think like that
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 6,203 The Mix Elder
    What do i do with these messages :'(
    “If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other much more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care” Marvin J. Ashton
  • ellie2000ellie2000 Posts: 392 Rampant Poster
    Texting back just lands u in bigger trouble. I recommend telling the police. Block him from every platform 
  • alice123alice123 Posts: 88 Miniposter
    Hi @Shaunie

    How are you doing? I was just wondering if you wanted to speak more about the situation currently as i'm aware that your original post was written almost a year ago now. Are you still in contact with your advisor?

    Sending hugs through this difficult situation <3
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